Aryn's Desire: A BOLD Security Novel (Finding Submission Book 1) (32 page)

“Perhaps he wasn’t the only one being selfish?”
 

Her eyes widen at my pointed look in her direction. “What does that mean exactly?” Her snarky tone has returned as I expected it to, but I gave her carte blanche on this discussion so I let it slide.
 

“Why does what happens between Aryn and I matter to you anyway?”
 

“Are you serious?” she counters and I nod. “What difference does it make?” Her voice drops to a whisper, a hurt whisper.
 

“It makes all the difference in the world, pet.” I tacked on ‘pet’ so she could remember her role here before she slides too far off the submissive scale.
 

“I don’t think it’s relevant to this conversation,” she mumbles so low that I have a hard time hearing her.
 

“On the contrary, I think it does. I think that your frustration and outburst were driven by something. Something I haven’t uncovered and I’d truly like to know where it’s coming from.”
 

“I was here first,” she says with a rush.
 

“Let’s try that again, shall we, pet?”
 

She looks up at me, her expression chock-full of defiance and I’m eager to hear what is about to come out of her mouth. “I. Was. Here. First.”
 

I take a step back at her tone.
 

“I had you first, I saw him first, I-”
 

My expression stops her cold. “Actually, I met him about a week before you did, not that it’s any of your business. And as far as you being here, with me first, the ground rules were clear before we started our exchange. I promised to help further your training beyond what Teddy could do. I promised to take care of you while doing so, and I also promised no strings. All of which you agreed to. Are you taking that agreement back?”
 

“No,” she snaps.
 

“Then what is the problem?”
 

She turns red and lowers her head; embarrassment is evident as the redness spreads onto her chest. “You didn’t honestly think that after six months of playing together I wouldn’t develop feelings for you.”
 

“No, hoped was a better word for it, but you pick now to bring it up and throw it back in my face. That’s hardly fair, Ashley.”
 

“Because I knew that if I brought it up before either I’d get my heart broken when you rejected the idea or you’d stop playing with me and since you’re so hung up on Aryn, I figure that both of those things are about to come true anyway, so there is no point in denying them anymore. I am sorry that I grew feelings for you and I’m sorry that you can’t figure out what it is that you want. But I have to do what I have to do to protect myself. When I saw the sparks flying between you and Aryn, I knew where I stood and of course I started to question where I stand in your eyes. After what happened yesterday, I have that answer and it’s a painful pill to swallow.”
 

“I had no idea,” I breathe.
 

“That’s because you’re too dense. Too caught up in your self pity to see what’s happening in front of you. If you’d get your head out of your ass, you’d see what you have growing with Aryn is something that I can’t give you. That I don’t see when I look at you. Because you have that look, that deer in the headlights, head over heels look in your eyes whenever you see him and when I realized you’d rejected him for a second time, I got angry. It was easy to push that anger at Aryn because he was throwing away an amazing thing and that he too is just as stubborn as you are. Then when I saw the same thing when I got here, I just lost it. As much as the idea of you with him and not with me hurts me, the thought of the two of you not being together kills my faith in love, in finding love, and finding my one and only. Despite the feelings I have for you, Caden, I know that while we could be good together, we’re not right for each other and I’m okay with that. But I’ll be dammed if I am going to let you push Aryn away like that.” She takes a deep breath. “And I’ll be damned if you let him slip through your fingers.”
 

Her words slide over me like a dark black sludge. Once she’s silent, and the sludge feeling abates, everything becomes clear to me.
 

The robin gave me the strength I needed to attempt letting Shelly go and moving on with my life and now Ashley gives me a two by four to the head about what I’d been missing all along.
 

“Conversation is over.” My commanding voice is back. “Kneel, now,” I order and her face falls but she complies. I walk over to her and place my hand in her hair and she leans into my touch. “Thank you, pet. For your honesty, for seeing what I’ve failed to see and more importantly, for making me see what it is that I’ve been missing all along.”
 

“You’re welcome, Sir.” Her voice is a little lighter and a little less defiant. I like this side of her. She’s never been big on the brat side of things, but this is definitely something that would be fun to explore with her. “Sir?”
 

“Yes?”
 

“Am I still going to be punished?”
 

“Yes,” I tell her.
 

“Yes, Sir,” she says quietly.
 

“Stay here, I will be back.”
 

“Yes, Sir.”
 

I pull my bag off the bed and leave the room, closing the door behind me. I head toward the dungeon where I find Teddy and Will sitting on one of the couches near the entrance and I go sit next to them. “Punishment is off,” I tell Teddy who looks disappointed.
 

“Will, can you go over to the bar while I talk to Master Caden?”
 

“Yes, Daddy.”
 

Will winks at me as he passes me on his way to the bar.
 

“That’s not fair,” Teddy says.
 

“It is. I’m punishing her enough without physically doing so.”
 

“How so?”
 

“She has feelings for me. Her outburst was a direct connection to her being hurt by me, regardless of whether or not I knew her feelings. But I can’t help asking, did you know about this?”
 

“No, absolutely not. Which is entirely my fault. I should have kept better tabs on it, talked to her about it,” he says in a way that I know he’s beating himself up internally and I don’t need him to be doing that either.
 

“The point is, she was mad at me for not only hurting her, but also because she is seeing everything I’m not when it comes to Aryn and I cannot be mad at her for that. Ultimately, she understands that I don’t reciprocate her feelings and she knows where my heart has wandered off to and she respects it. Though she’ll accept it a little more once I get my head out of my ass. That’s a direct quote by the way.”
 

“I’ll kill her.”
 

I laugh, “No, don’t. I gave her free reign on the conversation and once I knew the reason behind why she snapped yesterday, I put her back on her knees and told her I’d be back. When she asked if she was going to be punished, I told her she would be, so she is back there stewing on what’s going to happen.”
 

He snorts, “She was a mess before.”
 

“I’m sure it’s worse now. But at this point I’m incapable of punishing her for her honesty.”
 

He nods his understanding of what I’ve said. “I’ll leave her in there for a few more minutes, then collect her.”
 

“Good,” I say to Teddy.
 

“So, what are you going to do now?”
 

“Book a flight to Australia.”

FORTY~SIX

*~* ARYN *~*
 

I’ve managed to survive until Sydney. We’re nearly done with Alyssa’s premiere tour and all the press that accompanies it.
 

I’ve also managed to survive without Caden showing up or at the very least without getting the feeling that he’s here and I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed.
 

Ashley got punished by Caden for something that happened and she wouldn’t elaborate. I was disappointed she didn’t spill the details of why. What she did tell me was that she wasn’t exactly the model submissive and she deserved what she got. I wanted to press her for more, but when I tried, she shot me down. Why she told me in the first place is beyond me.
 

Regardless, Ashley and I haven’t talked much. Whether she’s respecting me until I return back to the States or whatever happened to us has done irreparable damage to our relationship is to be determined.
 

I’ve spent a lot of my free time with alcohol bottles in my hand. It’s been the only way once the lonely nights set in that I can keep Caden out of my mind. When I’m not drinking away the memory of him, I can’t help but think maybe he’s right. Maybe a D/s relationship with him is what I need because I cannot get him out of my mind. You would think if I truly had no desire to be with him that I would have been able to move on from it, but instead I find myself more agitated than I should be and above all, lonely.
 

Loneliness is a part of the job. It’s also a part of who I’ve always been, but for some reason it’s almost impossible to deal with it anymore.
 

I see relationships every day. I see men and women on the streets, at the premieres, and I’ve seen my fair share of two men together since going on this tour and while they’ve always been there, I’ve never paid them much attention before and now it seems like every time I turn around, another gay couple pops up in front of me. Each one twisting the ache in my chest a little more.
 

The saying goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and in this case, it seems to be the truth.
 

I look at my phone and there isn’t a text, a missed call, nothing from him and I wonder if I’ve missed my chance. Maybe his punishment of Ashley was a step in another direction for Caden. Maybe she texted me about the punishment to prove a point, to show me that Caden no longer wants me the way I thought he did.
 

Dex to Beck
: When are you coming home?
 

Beck to Dex
: We fly out in the morning. Be home around six or so. Once Alyssa is home, I’ll be headed home.
 

Dex to Beck
: We’re going to Nashville, you don’t need to go, just thought I would let you know.
 

Beck to Dex
: When?
 

Dex to Beck
: day after tomorrow.

Beck to Dex
: I have no business there.
 

Dex to Beck
: Why do you say that?
 

Beck to Dex
: Because I’m pretty sure I’m no longer welcome at The Box.
 

Dex to Beck
: Hardly. Did they revoke your membership?
 

Beck to Dex
: Nope, but I’m pretty sure that I don’t belong there.
 

Dex to Beck
: This is hardly the conversation for texting.
 

I barely finish reading the text when my Skype lights up. Thank god for hotel Wi-Fi.
 

“Yeah,” I say once his ugly-ass mug appears on my screen.
 

“What makes you think you’re not welcome at the club or that you don’t belong there?” Dex asks.
 

“It’s a long ass story.”
 

“It’s what, ten in the morning there, I’ve got time. Talk,” Dex says in a commanding tone and I scowl at the screen.
 

“I don’t take orders from you.”
 

“Who would you rather be taking orders from?”
 

“For the hundredth time, I’m not a damn sub,” I snap.
 

“Hardly.”
 

“Why the fuck does everyone keep saying that?”
 

“Because we all see what you’re so unwilling to see. Listen to me. Just because you don’t think that you are doesn’t mean that you aren’t. So what if you’re a submissive, Beck. No one is going to judge you for that. No one, especially not me or Raine, is going to think any different about you because you decide to submit to someone. It’s just a part of who you are.”
 

“So what? Just because it may be a part of who I am doesn’t mean I have to do it.”
 

He leans toward the screen, putting his chin in his hand. “No one said you had to, but how can you shoot something down when you haven’t got a clue what it means?”
 

“I can’t let go like that.”
 

“You’ve never tried,” he counters.
 

“Maybe I don’t want to,” I tell him dismissively.
 

“Maybe you don’t want to or maybe you don’t want to submit to Caden?”
 

My eyes find his on the screen. “He doesn’t want me.”
 

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
 

“Oh believe me, I have more information on that fact than you do,” I tell him.
 

“Now you’re going to have to explain yourself.”
 

 
“No.”
 

“Aryn, stop. Your defiance is getting you nowhere. How can you expect to work through all of this if you keep dismissing everything or you flat out refuse to talk to anyone about it?”
 

“There isn’t anything to talk about, Dex. He had his chance and he walked out of the room,” I tell him.
 

“Before or after you walked out on him?”
 

“How can you be so calm about this? About the fact that we are talking about me being with a man?”
 

“Because I don’t give a shit who or what you’re into. I won’t think any less of you if you’re with a man or a woman. You like who you like, love who you love. Aryn, I am not the person to judge you for that. Regardless of who it is, even if you submitted to a woman, I wouldn’t give a shit. What I think you need to worry about more, is what it is you hope to gain out of a relationship.”