Aryn's Desire: A BOLD Security Novel (Finding Submission Book 1) (33 page)

“That’s pointless because I honestly don’t know. I thought I wanted Caden, but it is obvious he only wants a submissive, he doesn’t want anything more than that,” I explain.
 

 
“What is it that you want?”
 

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t know I wanted to be with anyone until I met Caden at Derek’s house. Ever since then I’ve been doing my damndest to fight that I am overly attracted to him. I want to be with him. So not only am I attempting to come to grips with the fact I want to be with a man, but I have to deal with the fact that I want to be with a man who doesn’t want me in return. To top all of that off, he doesn’t want to be with me as anything more than his submissive. Someone that he can control, someone that he can mold to his desires. And lastly, tie that to the fact that I went into this whole thing thinking I was a dominant and I’ve had it so eloquently pointed out to me that I am incapable of doing that. So rather than do that, or attempt to be a Top and fail at it, I’m just going to be me. If I can find someone that I can stand to be around longer than it takes to get off, then maybe I can find another one.”
 

“I married the first one that I could stand longer than getting off,” he tells me. He has a smile playing at his lips. “And let me tell you, I’ve never been happier than I am with her.”
 

“But you have everything you could possibly want with her. The first person I actually managed to give my real number to is another submissive at the club and she bit my head off the last time I saw her. If I’m not the dominant type, how can I give her everything she needs?”
 

“What about Caden?”
 

“What about him? He doesn’t want anything beyond a Dom/sub.”
 

“And again, we’re back at this? How do you know that’s all he wants?” he asks.
 

“Because that is what he said to me, right before he put his clothes back on and walked out of my hotel room.”
 

“You slept with him?” He can’t hide the surprise, but he’s not disappointed.
 

“No. We didn’t make it that far.” I don’t add that up until that moment, everything between us that night was perfect. It was fun, it was full of banter and complete bliss. “He coerced me into giving up my phone number, but he’s yet to use it since then.”
 

“Maybe he’s waiting for you to reach out to him,” Dex counters.
 

“Maybe, but I know what he wants and I can’t do that.”
 

“Again, how do you know if you can or can’t if you don’t try. Look, do you want to be in the lifestyle?” I nod. “Do you want to learn about the lifestyle? Understand it, learn what it means to be a Dominant, learn about what it takes to be a good Top?”

“Yes,” I say.
 

“Then what is stopping you from submitting to him? The only way you can learn, understand and have a complete wealth of knowledge in this lifestyle is to surrender yourself to someone else. Let them guide you and you may find that being on top isn’t right for you. You may find out you prefer being on the bottom and there is nothing wrong with that. Hell, even Raine thought she wanted to be a Top and I think some of her bratty tendencies come from that desire within her, but it’s also what keeps our relationship fun and it sure as shit keeps me on my toes when it comes to her. But in the midst of all that, she’s found a happiness that she can’t explain by submitting to me, by handing everything over to me. And that happiness did not come overnight. It took a long time for her to find it, but the bottom line, she was willing to try.”
 

Dex’s words hit me hard.
 

“You’re right.”

“Of course I am.”
 

“Oh shut up,” I grumble. “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

FORTY~SEVEN

”READY?” I ASK Alyssa and the security team as we approach the red carpet for our final premiere on this tour. Thank god, it’s almost over.
 

“This should be short,” Alyssa says. “We did most of the press stuff yesterday. What’s here is just going to be photographers sans reporters.”
 

I nod and Alyssa smiles at me. She’s a nice girl and I have to admit that this trip has been less torturous than I’d expected it to be. She’s young, but well rounded. Partying isn’t at the top of her list.
 

“One more,” I say to her and she nods before looking out the window.
 

“I will be so glad to get home,” she groans. “This has been torture.”
 

I smile, but not at anyone in particular. The limo moves again and Alyssa yawns.
 

All the time zone hopping is starting to take its toll on all of us, and I’m glad Alyssa doesn’t want to go out tonight. I’m not sure any of the team would be up to it either. We stop again and Casey opens her door while I slide out the other one. Troy exits the front. The crowd is pumped, but smaller than anything we’ve had so far. Sydney is a pretty small market when compared to the other places we’ve been and I’ve wondered more than a few times why we’re here. But that certainly wasn’t my call.
 

Alyssa waves, smiles, waves some more and we move onto the aisleway. My eyes don’t stop scanning our surroundings. It’s a product of who I am, how I’m built and how I’ve been trained.
 

That familiar tingle returns, raising the hairs on the back of my neck and I start to scan the carpet looking for Caden. I don’t see him but the next car arrives.
 

Because of the smaller venue, Alyssa and Travis are the only celebs here and that’s all the crowd cares about.
 

Alyssa slows her pace for Travis to catch up to her and when he does, they pose together for the paparazzi and then the fans on the other side of the line.
 

That tingling feeling hasn’t subsided but I don’t see Caden anywhere. My defenses start to rise, worried that something is going to happen and my senses sharpen.
 

Alyssa moves away from Travis and finishes up her stint in the press line and enters the fan area. The area where attendees line up for entrance into the theater is where Alyssa will meet fans, sign autographs and take a few pictures. This is where things often get hairy, but at the same time, they’re prescreened for weapons before being allowed in line so nothing too hairy.
 

Alyssa does her thing and I can’t shake the bad feeling rising in my gut. I signal Casey. He immediately turns around and scans the crowd with me, looking for anything out of place. My heart starts pounding in my chest, but before I get too worked up, Alyssa backs away from the line and heads toward the doors of the theater.
 

Once inside, the feeling intensifies but there are not very many people in here so it’s easier to scan. I recognize a few of the faces but they’re people with the studio so I don’t consider them a threat.
 

I stand back, watching the people milling about, and Travis’s entourage enters the theater. Travis approaches Alyssa and they start heading toward the interview area where they’re scheduled to be until the movie starts. Australia is doing things a little differently. They’re having a press conference rather than individual interviews.
 

“Beck,” Casey calls from behind me. “We’re heading into interviews.”
 

“You got this, right?”
 

 
“What you are you going to do?” he says into my earpiece.
 

“Check the theater, keep an eye on things out here.”
 

“Yeah? Alright, we got this.”
 

“Thanks, man.”
 

Casey proceeds to follow Troy and Alyssa into the room where Alyssa will have her final interview while they fill the theater with the fans outside. Once it’s full, she’ll enter and yada, yada, yada.
 

The hair on the back of my neck stands on end again when I sense someone approaching, but I don’t feel threatened. That’s when someone comes to stand beside me. “You do realize that stalking is a very unfavorable characteristic,” I grumble.
 

“How’d you know I was here?” he asks.
 

“The same way I always do and you have my number now, all you had to do was call, text, anything other than fly halfway across the globe.”
 

“I’m here on business,” he says as the doors close on the interview room and I turn to give Caden my attention.
 

“I hardly doubt that. There is hardly anyone here from the crew. Hell, the director isn’t even here, so tell me, Caden, why exactly are you here?”
 

I lean toward him. “You have my cell phone number now, stalking is hardly necessary.”
 

“I came for business,” he counters.
 

I roll my eyes and he scowls at me. “A phone call or even a text message would have sufficed considering I haven’t heard from you in over a week.”
 

“It took me that long to figure a few things out,” he tells me.
 

“So what, you figured you could just show up here, we’d talk and everything would go back to the way it was? I’m not wired that way.”
 

“I came here because I had business to attend to. In fact, I’ve been here for a few days already. Regardless, I’m not entirely sure I owe you an explanation.”
 

I give him a hard stare. “So why show up here?”
 

“Maybe I wanted to see you.”
 

“I fly home tomorrow, that would have been a cheaper trip.”
 

“Sure, if I knew where to find you once you got home.”
 

 
“Again with the stalker behavior and again, a phone call or a text would have sufficed. Who knows, it may have given you the information you were seeking.”
 

He snorts, “I doubt you’d give me your address.”
 

“You never know, unless you ask.”
 

“Fair enough,” he says with confidence.
 

“We leave early tomorrow morning,” I tell him.
 

“I know, so do I. Would you like to go out tonight, when you’re done here?”
 

“Caden, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. You’ve made yourself clear about what you want and when I can find it in myself to consider that offer, I will let you know what I decide. Going out just might screw with me a little more and frankly, I’m fucked up enough as it is. Now, before I lose my job, I need to get back to work.”
 

*~* CADEN *~*
 

Aryn’s words give me hope that my trip here isn’t in vain.
 

He walks away and I can’t take my eyes off of him.
 

He’s right, of course. I’ve asked him for something, asked him to be something, that I’m not even convinced he is. But he obviously has a better grasp on himself than I thought. I could have called, I could have texted, but I couldn’t, I needed to see him. I needed to know that what I’m fighting myself for is really what I want.
 

When I saw him out on the carpet, I felt a twinge of regret for telling him that all I wanted was a submissive because seeing him again eradicates all I thought I wanted. All that I thought I needed. But I don’t know how to do vanilla, I’m not capable of it, not after all this time.
 

I rub my hand over my chest as I remember Shelly. Her death led me to the lifestyle. I was looking for something fun and unattached. Something I could take care of without having the emotional attachment and until Aryn walked into Derek’s and then into that club, I’d had it. I’d had everything I wanted. Now I realize that I need more, I want more and I will stop at nothing to get what it is that I need.
 

I grab my phone and press a button. “I’m ready,” I say and hang up.
 

Looking at my phone, Aryn’s words come over me. “You could have just texted or called.”
 

I pull his number up and press the chat bubble and type out a message to him and press send before heading toward the door to leave.
 

*~* ARYN *~*
 

My phone vibrates, and thinking that it’s Casey or Troy, I reach for it as I stand guard at the front of the theater as the fans come in.
 

“Sometimes what we want was standing in front of us the whole time. Sometimes, what we need gets pushed away when it was unintentional.”
 

I dart down the hallway, through the theater doors and into the lobby. My eyes scan the room frantically looking for him and when I don’t see him, disappointment and dread wash over me. Then I look toward the glass of the side door and I see him walking toward a car that’s just pulled up.
 

My heart pounds in my chest. A decision has to be made, right here, right now. Go after him or stay here.
 

I dart toward the door as I slip into that slow motion movie mode where no matter how fast I run, it seems to take forever before I’m pushing through the door.
 

“Are you telling me you’re sorry?” I shout and he stops in his tracks.
 

After a few frantic heartbeats he turns toward me. “I’m telling you that what I want has been staring back at me and I refused to see it until now. That what I need, needs to make up his mind about what he needs and that I’m willing to wait until he does.” His lips spread into a smile and I walk toward him.
 

When I’m standing in front of him, there is only softness in his eyes, no dominance, no Master, just Caden. “I know what I want,” I breathe. “But I need some time to figure out what I need.”
 

He brings his hand up to cup my cheek and on instinct, I lean into it and he smiles again. “I have time, my sweet boy.”