Aryn's Desire: A BOLD Security Novel (Finding Submission Book 1) (29 page)

“It’s happening?”
 

I nod.
 

“Is that a bad thing?” he asks.
 

I smile and shake my head. “No, it’s a great thing, it’s just so-”
 

“Surreal?” he finishes and I nod. “We don’t have to do anything tonight, Aryn.”
 

I shake my head. “No, I do. I need to know.”
 

He leans up on his elbows, his eyes never leave mine. “Know what?”
 

“If this is really what I want.”
 

He gives me a sad smile. “You’re unsure?”
 

I sigh. “No, I’m sure that I want this, here, tonight, but-” I hesitate and look away from him, hoping to break the trance he has me in right now but unfortunately my eyes fall to where we’re coming together, which of course only spurs my fantasy and desperation to finish what we’ve started. “I’m scared that if we do this that it will be it. That you or I will get what we want and then,” I shrug, “Nothing.”
 

“I don’t do one night stands, Aryn. I don’t sleep with someone unless I know there is a chance that it will happen again. I wouldn’t have gone to New York-”
 

I gasp. “You were there?” I breathe and he smiles with a nod. “I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t figure out why you would have a reason to be there, but, well, I guess I knew nothing about you, but regardless of that, it just didn’t make sense to me.”
 

“It’s also the reason I pulled so many strings to show up after Alyssa tonight. I needed to see you, to talk to you.”
 

“Yeah, I know, you needed to know why I ran away.”
 

“Aryn.” I look up into his eyes again. “I knew you ran away for a reason, but I couldn’t fix that reason or explain anything if you wouldn’t talk to me. It was more of an excuse to see you and if my theory was correct, I already knew why you ran and I was right. I’d deduced that you were scared more than anything.”
 

“That’s partially true,” I tell him and I slide off him, sitting next to him and he sits up. “Though part of it had to do with what I’d done with Ashley and with you. It also had to do with the fact that I had no problem taking orders from you that night. And for someone who was struggling to admit that I’m not a Dominant, it was all just too much for me to take at that time.”
 

“How do you feel about your submissive side now?”
 

I shrug. “I think I’m still trying to understand that side of me. Still trying to find it inside of me to hand over control to someone else, it’s not easy.”
 

 
“If it were easy for you, I’d be concerned. Not everyone is a natural submissive and those that are often face a time when they question their submission and you’re no different. Before you showed up at Derek’s, had you ever considered a Dom/sub relationship?” I shake my head. “I didn’t think so.”
 

“I didn’t know much about it. Sure, when I’m with a woman I like to be in control, but looking back on that now, I think that my ‘in control’ was more to control the situation. If I was in control, I could essentially get off and walk away. When I let my guard down, like that night in your private room, everything kind of fell apart for me. It’s the reason I never left my number, it’s the reason I blocked my number from you. I was in control of that situation and now-” I pause.
 

Caden looks at me with encouraging eyes. “And now?”
 

“Now, I don’t want that control anymore. I’ve realized that whatever is brewing between you and me is an inevitable truth that I can no longer deny and if I don’t do something, I might regret it for the rest of my life.”
 

Caden’s smile is warm, genuine when he brings his hand up to cup my cheek. I can’t help but lean into it. His touch obliterates any and all fear or concern I may have had about where this was going. “But, Caden?” He strokes his thumb along my cheek and my eyes meet his. “I don’t think I can be your submissive.”
 

*~* CADEN *~*
 

Looking into Aryn’s eyes tells me that he’s scared. I knew he was scared all along and the fact that we’ve made it as far as we have, completely naked, is a true test of what this means to him and maybe means to me. “I think you’re wrong about that. But that is a decision you have to make. I cannot make it for you. But I will tell you that a Dom-sub relationship is all that I’m after. I don’t do vanilla relationships.” Even as I say the words, I’m not entirely convinced of their truth. Looking into Aryn’s eyes, knowing that there is so much more under the surface, drives me to want to know more about the man who was straddling me just a few minutes ago.
 

My words settle over him and while I think that’s what he wanted to hear, he can’t hide the hint of disappointment playing with his features. “Then what are we doing here? Like this, right now?”
 

I give him a weak smile. “I needed you to know that this is what you want.”
 

“That I want to be your submissive?”
 

“No, that you’re willing to let go of your preconceived ideas about being with another man, that you’re capable of and willing to surrender your body to another man. That you’re willing to surrender it to me.”
 

“But I’m not-”
 

I place my finger over his lips, silencing him. “You were sitting, on top of me, completely naked a few minutes ago and you were enjoying the view of our cocks lying beside each other and you tell me you’re not willing to surrender? You’re more than willing to surrender your body, but that is not all that I’m interested in, Aryn. I am interested in your mind, in your willingness to hand over the control, to allow me to take care of your body and your mind.”
 

“That’s all you want from me?” There is a hint of pain forming in his voice and I realize this quite possibly means more to him than it does to me. While I was willing to let myself give into him, give into his desire for tonight, I need more from him. I need his submission. I crave it from him and I can’t begin to imagine it any other way, I’m not wired like that.
 

I nod in response to his question, unable to actually speak the response. The longer we sit here, the longer I look at him, the more I feel the need to give myself over to him in a way other than being his Master and that is unnerving to me. I’ve never felt like this before and it has me wanting to run from the room. The loss of control sends a chill down my spine.
 

I lower my hand from his cheek and the moment that contact is broken, he gets off the bed, away from me. “I think you should go,” he mumbles.
 

“That’s probably a good idea.”
 

I climb off the bed as he pulls his pajama pants on and then he goes to his suitcase and pulls out a t-shirt. I’m disappointed when his body is covered from my view. I frown and pull my pants back on. The more clothing that I pull on, the worse I feel about what I’m about to do, but I can’t let him see that. I can’t let him see that I’m growing weak for him.
 

His pain and sadness is evident in his eyes as he escorts me to the door. I stop and look at him. “I’m sorry, Aryn,” I tell him.
 

“So am I.”
 

That’s all he says and I haven’t a clue what to say to him in return so I leave the room and he closes the door. The lock engages and the security bar slides over. I fall against the door. I’ve pushed away the one thing that has seen through my façade - the one thing that has brought me happiness for the first time in a very long time. But am I capable of letting go of my past, breaking the hold on my heart? Walking away from his door gives me my answer. No, I’m not ready to let her go.
 

I step into the elevator and as the doors close, I realize I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life.

FORTY~TWO

** ARYN **
 

I SET the sixth mini bottle of whiskey down on the table, or rather I slam it down after downing it.
 

That was not how I expected this night to end.

That was not how I wanted this night to end.

He walked out.
 

He left.
 

He left because he wants nothing but my submission. A submission I’m not capable of giving him.
 

He asked me a question, about before showing up at Derek’s and whether or not I knew anything about Dom/sub relationships and I didn’t. In fact, I took my desire to be a Dom from Dex. He pointed me in that direction and he did so for the right reasons. He honestly believed, like me, that I could be and wanted to be a Dominant. Which, until now, I wanted exactly that.
 

Maybe the lifestyle isn’t for me.
 

Maybe I’m meant to be with someone who loves me for who I am and who doesn’t want to change me.
 

My thoughts drift involuntarily to Ashley. She and I click, we get along well, but I can’t give her what she needs or wants in a relationship. I can’t picture her having a vanilla relationship with someone like me while still walking into the club. I know and understand that BDSM isn’t always about the sex, but I certainly couldn’t sit at home while she goes off with some other Top, with someone like Caden.

And just like that, my thoughts circle back to him. Things were going great. No, not great, they were going amazing. I was enjoying myself, enjoying what was happening between us just to have it shattered.
 

I fall into the chair and close my eyes, but the moment I do, all I can see is Caden standing before me with a sweet smile on his lips. I sit up, grabbing the seventh bottle of whiskey and open it. Bottoms up.
 

Knock, knock, knock.

I fight to hold my eyes open.
 

Knock, knock, knock.
 

“Come on, Beck, open the door.”
 

I scrub my hands over my face. My head is pounding. My neck feels like it’s been wrenched in a vice.
 

I stand up, knocking into the table and knocking over half a dozen empty whiskey bottles and a few full ones.
 

The knocking turns to pounding. “Yeah, I’m coming,” I holler and stumble my way to the door, sliding the deadbolt and opening it.
 

“Dude, you know you’re not supposed to drink on duty, you look like shit.” Casey looks me up and down.
 

“Thanks, what’s up?”
 

“We’re taking Alyssa out. She wants to go shopping and she’s meeting a friend for lunch,” he tells me.
 

I scrub my face again. “Give me twenty.”
 

“Nah, forget it, we got this. Go take some Tylenol or something.”
 

“You sure?” I ask.
 

“Yeah, it’s just lunch.”
 

I nod. “Sorry, bro.”
 

“Don’t stress it. What happened last night?”
 

I shake my head, trying to remember what exactly happened and I can’t recall much of anything. “I drank way too much.”
 

“Obviously. We’ll call if we need anything.”
 

“I’ve got that dinner thing a little later.”
 

Casey smiles. “Don’t worry about it, we got this. Take the day, you’ve been working like a fool and Alyssa said she’s having a few friends in her suite tonight. So we’re all free.”
 

I nod. “Thanks, Case.”
 

 
“No problem.”
 

I nod my head and he walks toward the elevator. I close the door before falling against it.
 

The events of last night slowly slide into my conscious and I immediately want to grab another drink.
 

I push away from the door and go back to the table. I pull a fresh bottle from the stash and down it. A little hair of the dog.
 

Then I turn back toward the bathroom, shedding my shirt and pajamas as I go.
 

Once under the hot spray of the water and with the whiskey starting to course through my veins, I start to feel a little bit better except for the damn kink in my neck, compliments of crashing in the chair. At one point I went for the bed, but all I could see was the mess on the duvet that Caden and I had made and I fell back into the chair with another shot of whiskey and that was pretty much the last thing I remember before Casey pounded on my door.
 

“Hey,” I say to Ashley as she approaches the table. I stand up and kiss her on the cheek.
 

“You look like shit.”
 

I roll my eyes. “Nice to see you too.”
 

She smiles and shrugs as she takes her seat opposite me. “You didn’t tell him where we were meeting, did you?”
 

She snorts. “No, I didn’t. Though I wish I knew what the fuck was going on between the two of you.”
 

I shrug and take a drink of water to avoid answering her question. She reads me in a heartbeat. “So that’s how this is going to go? Listen, Aryn, whatever it is, you need to talk to someone about it.”
 

“Hardly. There’s nothing to talk about. We both want different things, so I guess we can just leave it at that.” I say it with a sharper tone than I’d intended to have, but she doesn’t call me on it.

*~* CADEN *~*
 

Ash to Caden
: I’m having dinner with him tonight.
 

That’s the text message that greeted me when I got off a conference call with a new studio that is looking to contract me for a new movie that will start filming late this year or early next year. Though I am interested in the project, the timing is awful for me.
 

I sit at my computer and pull up the program I designed a few years ago for another project I did. The program was a nice tool to have when we were scouting because of where we were looking. It was a fast, rocky area in eastern Australia. The program allowed us to pinpoint the location of anyone on our crew. This made it easier to find someone should they have problems and it proved invaluable when there was an accident and we were able to track them down within fifty yards of their location.