I decided I would indulge myself with a few more questions for my subconscious.
Why does Elliott seem here, but not?
Click. View.
Why does Elliott seem here, but not?
Because I’m real, but not really here.
My heart raced. I so desperately wanted to believe that he was real. Was this my mind trying to calm me down by giving me the answer I wanted or could I somehow be talking to him? I decided to ask one final question.
Who is this?
Click. View.
Who is this?
Elliott.
An overwhelming sensation came over me. My body became very heavy. I couldn’t hold myself up. My body fell limp on the mattress as everything went dark.
Chapter 5. Elliott
A warm, soft breeze blowing on my face woke me. There was an unfamiliar floral scent riding on the spiraling air. It took me a minute to realize that the soft place where I lay was not my bed. My hand brushed against the cool, soft, yet spiky carpet that lay beneath me. The shock of this sensation pried my eyes open.
My eyelids cracked to a dark moonless sky. The faint flickering of stars overhead surrounded by the fortress of trees was all too familiar to me. I was in my meadow.
How did I get here?
I sat up slowly, taking in my surroundings. I was lying in the cubby cove of trees that lay hidden on the eastern edge of my meadow. Yet, how did I get here? The last thing I could remember was writing (to my subconscious) in my journal, and that my subconscious was writing back.
Not a good sign.
Obviously, I shouldn’t have indulged my overactive imagination. I was just asking to faint. As I looked around, I racked my brain on a slightly more pressing question. How did I manage to make it to my meadow
while
unconscious?
Something moved in my peripheral vision to my left. I turned a second too late to see what it was. My arms folded. I rubbed my shivering skin. Again, something in the shadows moved, this time on my right. I bit my lip.
The silence of the night was screaming.
Normally the owls hooted and the crickets chirped, singing a soft lullaby to those who would listen. I personally loved that lullaby. Tonight, there wasn’t a sound. Even the swirl of the wind around me was quiet.
I desperately wanted to run home. But something was lurking in the night. I was certain it would see me if I ran. Maybe if I held still I would blend into the darkness, hidden in shadow. A voice in the back of my mind, however, told me that whatever was out there could see me regardless. That perhaps,
it
had brought me here in the first place.
I started to shiver uncontrollably. I couldn’t help myself. The scariest part was knowing, not that I was alone, but that I wasn’t.
A twig snapped in the dark recesses of the trees behind me. I stood up and peered into the leaves. I squinted to try and see something within the black branches. I struggled as I tried to decipher the shape of whatever was lurking out of my sight. Suddenly, I spotted a recognizable shape, two familiar green eyes were looking at me from within the leafy shadows.
I was so startled I fell back. I scrambled, trying to put as much distance between myself and those eyes as possible. They were getting closer. From out of what felt like nowhere, the eyes came out of the shadows and there before me stood Elliott.
I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless.
My latest assessment of Elliott was that he must be a figment of my imagination. However, I couldn’t get over how real he seemed when I was near him, and here he was now.
My heart raced. My mind couldn’t decide whether fear or desire was the appropriate emotion.
Before my very eyes stood Elliott. A tall, well built piece of dreamy man meat that once told me I was beautiful. On the other hand, all signs were pointing to the most likely scenario that I had imagined it all. I might even be imagining him and his dark chocolate hair now.
Elliott was quiet, a patient understanding in his eyes. He just stood there and smiled as I looked up at him from my current position - sprawled on the ground.
Was it wrong that I liked him so much?
Who was I kidding. It was beyond wrong if he was indeed a figment of my imagination. I was taking narcissism to new heights. I didn’t know what to do. I faintly smiled back.
Elliott reached out his hand in a gesture to help me up. I looked at it, deciding what would be the best thing to do. Take it and keep encouraging my all too vivid imagination, or refuse it and try to wake up. I wasn’t kidding anyone, let alone myself. I wanted to take his hand. I wanted to be with him, no matter where that may be. I was happy with him.
Unfortunately for me, I waited too long. I went to take his hand but it had already been moved to his side. I didn’t even have a chance to feel hurt at missing my opportunity to touch him. To my surprise, he folded his body down and sat next to me in the grass. I sat up looking at him. I was scared and happy, and both emotions came from him being close to me.
“
Buona sera Lilly.” His honey voice purred in my ears.
I couldn’t help but realize that this was too good to be true. My smile turned to a frown. I could, but shouldn’t, continue on encouraging these hallucinations. He saw the change in my face.
“
What’s wrong?”
What was I supposed to say? As far as I could tell, either way I was talking to myself.
Eh?
I had to do something to put these hallucinations to an end. No matter how fabulous they were. I didn’t want to end up committed.
“
Elliott,” I whispered as his green eyes penetrated my being in a way that made me feel like an open book, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
His face fell. I hurt him. “Why not?”
My eyes looked at the ground. I didn’t want to, but I made myself say it. “You’re not real.”
Elliott was quiet. I looked up to see what he was doing. He continued to sit on the grass but he looked shocked. “What do you mean by that?” I noticed a cautious tone in his voice.
I dove into my brain trying to find the right words to use when breaking up with yourself. I came up empty handed. The fact that I desperately wanted to stay and live in my fantasy land didn’t make it any easier. My torrent stream of emotions was giving me away. I bit my lip, trying to keep my face from exposing all of my secrets. Strangely, he did the same.
“
What do you mean, I’m not real?” Elliott asked again. He gently placed his hand on mine. The usual sensation of electricity flowing through him to me, pricked my mind and made me doubt my hallucination theory. He wasn’t helping me.
It was probably a combination of my emotions keeping me an inch from tears and his penetrating eyes bearing down on my soul, but I had overflowed. I couldn’t stop the words from pouring out.
“
YOU ARE NOT REAL!” I yelled, more at myself than at Elliott.
I stood up. His mouth gapped open at me as I paced the cove and continued.
“
You are too perfect. And good looking. And sweet...”
He looked as though he was going to argue, but I went on.
“
No one has seen you but me.”
He whispered something to himself and shook his head.
“
You appear and disappear out of nowhere.”
I turned again at the edge of the cove, racking my brain for more proof of my theory. When I resumed my pacing, he spoke.
“
I know,” he said in a soft, apologetic purr and looked straight at me.
Elliott caught me off guard. I hadn’t expected my hallucination to agree with me. “What do you mean
you know?
And what about this ring?!” I was at my wits end. I was crying now. I was ashamed of having worked myself into tears. I turned my face away from him trying to hide the water running down my cheeks.
“
Please sit down Miele,” he said patting the grass beside him, “and I promise to explain.”
I slowly folded myself onto the grass at his side, continuing to look away. “That’s the second time you called me that.
Miele
.” The word sounded foreign on my tongue. “What does it mean?” I said as I looked at him, curious yet cautious at the same time.
He was moving abnormally slow. Perhaps in an effort to calm me down. Elliott gently took my left hand in his and stroked my middle finger as he looked at the ring.
“
Where should I begin...?” He said to himself as he let his gaze get lost in the ocean of color.
I followed his eyes to the stone on my hand and temporarily lost myself in its brilliance. As the colors absorbed my thoughts, a strange realization came to me. I never did try and get the ring off with soap and water that day with Charlotte. I had completely forgotten to even try. It had been such an urgent need at the time, but somehow in the wake of everything, it had become a part of me. As though it was always mine. His voice pulled me back to the meadow and the moonless night.
“
You and I met in 1719 in Napoli. Naples.” His eyes looked worried at how I would take in his story. I must have looked too calm and collected because he stopped and said, “Why are you taking this so well? You freaked out on me a second ago for saying good evening.”
“
Elliott. You’re not real. You are just my imagination running wild. All signs point to the fact that I must be dreaming.”
A fabulous dream.
“Charlotte’s with me on this. I don’t like it, but I have to face the fact that you are a wonderful hallucination.”
Elliott looked quite amused at my conclusion.
How was he taking this so well?
I was certain my mind would fight me on this.