Avoiding Commitment (34 page)

Lexi’s mouth dropped open. “You need some
time to think? I didn’t have any time to think when Clark
confronted me.”

“That’s not my fault! Alright!”

“I thought we were in this together,” she
said weakly. Her mind was whirling. Clark was right. It’s not like
this actually mattered to Jack. He may not have told Clark about
what had happened, but it wasn’t like he was going to leave Kate
for her either. He had set her up in his mind to be the
other
woman, and that’s where she resided. That’s where she
had always resided. She had never come first with him. Even when
his relationship was threatened, he couldn’t see past his “amazing”
girlfriend to what was really in front of him.

“This is all so sudden, and I just need time
to get things straight. I can’t rush over there right now and tell
her what happened. Even if I did that, it’s not like we could be
together. You still have to straighten things out with Clark. So
let’s put this whole conversation on the brakes. You’re already
upset. I don’t want to continue to cause you pain.”

Too late.

Lexi felt completely drained as she left
Jack’s house. Somehow she managed to get back to her apartment in
one piece. She collapsed onto the couch. Glad, at least for the
moment, that she had no more tears to shed. Her eyes were bloodshot
and puffy from crying. Her complexion had drained of color. Her
lips were only a soft pink. The messy ponytail she had forced her
hair into that morning had all but fallen out. She realized for the
first time that she didn’t even match. She wore purple sweatpants
coupled with a ratty orange t-shirt and blue zip-up hoodie. She
kicked off her red, black, and white sneakers to reveal one orange
and one neon yellow sock. She couldn’t even remember changing.

Lexi stared upwards pathetically counting the
number of dots on the ceiling. She reached a number somewhere in
the triple digits, forgot which ones she had already counted, and
then started over again. Then she started losing count of how many
times she had numbered the same area. She closed her eyes hoping to
block out the pain she was feeling. All she wanted to do was forget
that all of this had happened. Close her eyes and wake up to find
that everything was back to normal or at least skip to the part
where she felt like a human being again.

She wasn’t sure how long she had been lying
there when her phone started buzzing. She didn’t even realize she
had stuffed it into her pocket. A feeling of dread took over her
body as she stared at the screen flashing Clark’s name. Her stomach
curled in around itself wondering whether or not she should answer.
Of course, she knew she
should
answer, but she really didn’t
want to hear him say the words that she knew was coming. How could
she let this all be over?

She felt the phone buzz once more, and then
with a loud sigh answered the phone. “Clark,” she mumbled into the
phone.

“Hey, baby,” he said from the other line.
Lexi’s heart fluttered at the pet name. Well that was a good sign.
She shook her head. No, it was more likely a habit. She wasn’t sure
if she was supposed to respond to him or if he was going to do all
the talking. Her throat felt like it had a handful of cotton balls
shoved down it, and even if she had wanted to initiate
conversation, she would probably need a full glass of water before
she could even attempt to manage it.

“We need to talk.” Lexi gulped. That didn’t
sound good. How could he sound so calm after blowing up this
morning? How was he so controlled? She was all over the charts. She
had cried for hours, and then stared at the ceiling for God knows
how long. Clark sounded more like he had just taken a brisk morning
jog, gotten out of the shower, had breakfast, and was ready to
start the day.

“Alright,” she began, clearing her throat.
“Let’s talk.”

“Come meet me for coffee.”

Lexi’s head swam as a vision of Jack standing
behind a counter handing her a paper cup brimming with coffee
filled her. She snapped her eyes closed hoping to clear her head.
The last thing she needed to think about right now was Jack. “Can
I…just come over?”

“I’d rather not be at one of our houses.”

Why did she always have to associate coffee
with Jack? She just wanted to hit herself. Everything seemed to
remind her of Jack. She needed to focus on what he was going to say
to her. She needed to remain calm as he broke up with her.

“Coffee it is then,” she said weakly. “See
you soon.”

“Yeah.”

Lexi decided that it really didn’t matter
that she was going out in public in something resembling a clown
outfit. If all she was going there for was to be broken up with,
then what did it matter? It didn’t really add to the humiliation.
She couldn’t humiliate herself any more than she already had.

*****

Her eyes traveled the familiar building, her
heart aching with memories. She entered through the side entrance
to avoid getting a glimpse of the counter area and her all too
familiar study space. She breathed in the rich aroma of freshly
brewed coffee and appreciated the dull green glow that emanated
from the lamps resting on every table. At least this light didn’t
hurt her already damaged eyes. She saw Clark nestled in an
overstuffed couch next to the fireplace with two cups sitting
before him. They both appeared to be untouched.

Their eyes met across the room. She felt
frozen in time in that second as she stared across into his hazel
orbs. Clark had always been so intuitive, so knowledgeable. Even
from her spot rooted to the floor in front of the entrance, she
could tell something had changed in him. In the short time they had
been apart, he had come to a decision. A decision that Lexi knew
would change everything.

Lexi meandered through the crowded room, and
plopped down next to Clark on the sofa. He handed her one of the
cups. “Black, like you like it,” he said taking a sip of his own
cup.

That was strange enough in itself, because
Clark didn’t drink coffee. He was one of those self-motivated
people who could survive the morning without that extra buzz. She
eyed his cup like it might explode any minute. He followed her gaze
to his cup, and revealed a half smile that quickly dissipated.
“It’s hot chocolate,” he confessed.

“Oh.”

“You’re probably wondering why I asked you
here,” he said.

Lexi didn’t really wonder. She knew why she
was here. He needed time before to think about things, and then
after thinking things through he was ready to break up with her. He
might love her, but Clark wouldn’t be second best. He wouldn’t let
this slide. However, all she said was, “I guess.”

“I just…can I ask you something?” he
questioned putting his cup back down on the table and turning to
look at her.

“You just did,” she said meekly, “but sure,
go ahead.” She wasn’t sure why he was prolonging this. It would
just be better to get this over with. Cut the strings and all
that.

He gave her another half smile before it fell
off of his face again. A curl fell into his eyes and he pushed the
hair back into place. Lexi hadn’t even realized he had let his hair
get so long. He normally cut it all off before it was long enough
for her to play with. How had she missed the fact that she was able
to run her fingers through his thick mess of curly hair? Had she
been so lost in her other world that she hadn’t really been present
in this one? Her heart contracted at the knowledge that she would
never again have the privilege of playing with his beautiful
hair.

Had Jack been right? If the roles had been
reversed, would she have given everything up? Would she have
willingly given up Clark? Her eyes followed the curly hair down to
the five o’clock shadow across his chin, up to the plump lips, and
then finally resting on his hazel eyes. Now with him right in front
of her, she couldn’t be sure.

“Do you want to be with me?” Clark asked
breaking her out of her thoughts.

“Of course I do,” she said without another
thought.

“Why…” he began taking a deep breath. “I want
to ask why you would do this to me if you claim you want to be with
me, but I know that is a useless path to take. You did it because
of Jack. I should have known all along. I should have seen the
warning signs. I
did
see the warning signs. I just didn’t
want to believe that anything had happened. I wanted us to stay
exactly where we were. We were happy, right?” he asked his eyes
pleading with her.

“Yeah. We were happy.”

“I knew from the get go what Jack meant to
you. I could see it every time his name was mentioned. I could see
it every time he was near you. I knew it every time you had to run
away from him. You did that to save us. I can see that now,” he
said. “Then, I forced ya’ll to be around each other. What did I
expect by doing that? I should have known that ya’ll wouldn’t
change. Ya’ll would only continue to harbor the same affection you
felt previously. Right?”

Lexi gulped and then nodded.

“That’s what I thought. Now, I didn’t think
ya’ll would sleep together. I thought that perhaps you would be
smart enough to realize that this would be done if that
happened.”

Lexi gulped again even harder. There. He had
said it. They would be over if that happened, and it had.

“I guess I didn’t expect it to continue. I
tried to turn a blind eye. I tried to be with my girlfriend, but
you weren’t the same girlfriend. I guess you haven’t been for a
long time,” he said, his eyes momentarily darkening. “That’s when I
couldn’t deal with it any longer. I couldn’t be with a shadow of
the woman I love. And that’s what you’ve become.” He reached out
and took her hand. She was so shocked by his grasp that she nearly
dropped her drink. “So please, Lexi, baby, my dear, my sweet, my
love, answer me honestly. Do you want to be with me?”

Her heart fluttered at his words. After
everything they had been through and all the good times they had
shared, did she really want to give that up? Jack didn’t want her.
She had to know that by now. He wanted Kate. He had all but come
right out and said that earlier today. They couldn’t be together. A
part of her felt like she was dying with that thought. Jack had
been such a large part of her heart for so long, she wasn’t sure if
she would ever be the same person without him. As cheesy as it
sounded, she felt complete with him. A completeness she had never
felt with anyone else, not even Clark. Yet, Jack didn’t want her
and she needed to move on from that.

“I do want to be with you,” she answered.

He searched her face for a lie or some sign
of falsehood, but couldn’t locate any. Lexi was a terrible liar,
and he could almost always pick out when she wasn’t being honest
with him. But as he stared into her big chocolate eyes, he realized
she was telling the truth.

“I want to be with you too,” he said pulling
her into a hug.

Lexi couldn’t stop the tears from streaming
down her face again. How had this happened? How had she come out of
this scenario unscathed? Well, almost unscathed. After all, she had
lost Jack. She pushed that thought away. No need to think about
him. He was gone.

Clark still wanted them to be a couple. She
was having a difficult time processing that information. For the
third time today, everything had turned out completely opposite of
what she had been expecting. She had been mentally preparing
herself for a break up, and he hadn’t wanted a break up at all.

When he pulled away from her, there was
something different in his eyes that she didn’t recognize. “I just
need one thing from you, if we’re going to stay together.”

She should have expected this. No way was he
going to let her walk away so easy. “What is it?” she asked
warily.

“Lexi, you really want to be with me, right?”
She nodded, the anticipation rising. “Alright, if you really do
want to be with me, then you have to tell Kate.”

Lexi’s mouth popped open. “What?” she
squealed.

He wanted her to tell Kate what they had
done. God, what a terrible thing for him to ask her to do. She
couldn’t imagine what Jack would think of her if she did tell Kate.
No, actually, she did know what he would think of her. He would
never speak with her again. He would never want to see her again.
He had flat out told her that he didn’t want Kate to know. He
didn’t think Clark would tell her, and he wanted to get on with his
perfect, amazing life with his perfect, amazing girlfriend.

“If you want to be with me, then it won’t
matter that you tell her,” he stated simply.

She couldn’t close her mouth. She was in such
a state of shock. She had never realized how vindictive Clark could
be. He was asking her to ruin another person’s relationship,
another person’s life like she had been so easy to do to her
own.

So, it came down to whether or not she was
willing to give up Jack. Because after this, there was no turning
back. Jack would never forgive her for this. Earlier he had seemed
slightly unsure, but she knew what that meant. He had already made
his choice in Kate, and now she was going to go and ruin that for
him. No, he wouldn’t forgive her, because Kate would surely leave
him. Lexi knew the news would crush Kate. Jack had been right in
that at least.

“But, Clark…it would…it would, I don’t know,”
she mumbled incoherently.

“She has a right to know the truth about
him,” he said darkly.

“Of course. Of course she does,” Lexi said
nodding. “But to have me tell her.”

“I don’t see a problem with it.”

“It would be the ultimate insult.”

Clark smiled the first true smile since she
had arrived. “Not to her.”

Lexi bit down on her lip…hard. Of course
Clark would want to get back at Jack, and having her tell Kate
would do just that. “Clark, I…I don’t know about this.”