Avoiding Commitment (54 page)

“Don’t even go there with me, Jack. You know
that’s not true. We both know what we are. We cheated on other
people, and that was what defined us. That was what defined our
connection for quite some time.”

“Then why are you freaking out?” he asked
exasperated.

“I thought that by finally being together
this would stop,” she mumbled.

“You thought we would change being the people
that we are, because we’re together now? Or not even really
together actually.”

Lexi cringed at his words. Those had been her
words. She had been just as afraid of any sort of commitment as
him. “You told Clark we were together,” she whispered.

He looked away from her. “Well, we’re not
together. We never have been. So please, Lex, stop freaking out. I
told you what happened because of what we are.”

A small part of her wished that he had lied
to her. That would have made things easier, but she knew that she
wasn’t thinking rationally. Honestly, she should have known this
was going to happen. She should have seen it a mile off that she
wasn’t anything different to him. She would never be anything
different to him. But she hadn’t seen that. She had blinded herself
to his easy charm and comforting ways. She had been suckered in and
left hanging out to dry all over again. Except this time it was
worse, because this wasn’t happening to some poor sap that happened
across his path. No. This happened to Lexi, and she knew better.
She had been there when every other girl had been defeated.

Instincts sent sparks throughout her body
pleading with her to stay away or else, but she didn’t listen. How
could she listen? This was Jack. He was all she had ever wanted. He
had always been the thing that she had wanted.

“I shouldn’t have thought you would change,”
she grumbled pushing her hair behind her ears angrily. “I should
have known you wouldn’t respect me anymore than the rest.”

“Come on, Lex. It isn’t like that. You know
you aren’t like anyone else,” he pleaded.

“What do you even mean by that? Did you think
you could just che…” she caught herself before finishing the words,
not wanting to instigate another round of we’re-not-even-together
conversation, “sleep with someone else, and I would be okay with
it? Is that how you thought I was different?”

“Well…” he ran his hands back through his
long shaggy hair, his blue eyes lighting up with the energy in the
conversation. “I didn’t know you’d freak out like this. After what
happened with us, I don’t know…” he said trailing off.

“See, I knew what we were. I knew that we had
cheated on other people with each other, but I guess I never
thought I’d be on the other end of this…this hurt. I ignorantly
thought now that we’re something, that wouldn’t come between us.
We’re meant for each other, Jack, and you just went and ugh,” she
shrieked angrier than before at his apparent ignorance of the
gravity of the situation.

“I’m sorry, Lex, but I don’t see why you’d
freak out about this after everything.”

“And there in lies the problem,” she mumbled
slumping down to the floor. “I thought you only cheated on other
people, because it was me. After all, I never cheated with anyone
else other than you. But it wasn’t me all along, was it, Jack?
There were probably others, and the connection I thought I was
feeling was all a lie.”

“What?” he asked shocked. “No, that’s not the
case at all. I didn’t lie to you.”

“So you didn’t sleep with anyone else while
you were with Danielle or Kate?” she accused.

“You mean besides Danielle and Kate?” he
asked pointedly.

Lexi choked on those words. “You slept with
Kate?”

He looked down sheepishly. “Uh…yeah. Did I
not mention that?”

Lexi shook her head trying to wrap her mind
around that. The virgin had given up her virginity to the man who
had cheated on her on numerous occasions. And for what reason? To
be left behind. Lexi couldn’t process the information. She just
couldn’t deal with it right now…not with everything else. “Yes,
besides them.”

“No, it was only you, Lex. I meant everything
I said to you. I just,” he sighed heavily, “fucked up. I fucked up,
Lex. How many times do you want me to say it?”

“How can I even believe you?” she asked, her
brown eyes were cold when they looked upon his face. She couldn’t
express emotion properly right then. All she could imagine was him
sleeping with someone else the night before. He had done it without
any emotion or any forethought for how she would react or take the
news. He had somehow in his conscious, even if he had been drunk,
thought that she would be okay with this. Their relationship, or
whatever you could call it, was completely off-base if that was
what he thought.

“I haven’t lied to you. For Christ’s sake, I
came to you and told you that I slept with Stella,” he
confessed.

“Stella?” she asked her eyes hardening. She
stood back up. “You didn’t tell me you fucked your roommate.”

“I…uh…are you sure?” he asked his face
shifting away from his confident air.

“No, you didn’t,” she replied biting her lip
to keep from lashing out at him with all the expletives she wanted
to send his way. After taking a deep breath she spoke again. “How
many times have you been together?”

“What? Last night was the first time.”

“Right.” It was her turn to be
disbelieving.

“What are you trying to say?” he asked
regaining his earlier composure.

“I find it hard to believe that you’ve only
slept with that girl once,” she cried. “You worked together. She
lets you move in with her. I mean, I’m not stupid. This can’t be
the first time.”

Jack walked across the room bridging the
distance between them. “I have never slept with her before,” he
said emphasizing each word perfectly. “She was a mistake. It wasn’t
supposed to happen. She just happened to be there.”

Lexi looked up into his beautiful blue eyes
unable to believe some of things that were coming out of his mouth.
Did he think that he was somehow improving his case?

Her breath hitched as he took one last step
entering her personal space. She could feel the heat radiating off
of his body. His hair fell into his eyes as he tilted his head to
look into her face. She wanted to scream, yell, and run in the
opposite direction, but her feet seemed to be shuffling the wrong
way. His hand came up and cupped her chin tilting her head further
so he could bend down and press his lips gently to hers.

Wrenching free from his touch, she stumbled
across the room. She couldn’t believe how easily he overpowered her
senses. Her heart was racing, but surprisingly not from the feel of
his lips. She had never felt such anger over a kiss from Jack. He
knew what he was doing and how she completely lacked composure
around him. Except this time Lexi wasn’t going to let him win. She
needed to talk to him and she needed answers.

“Who is going to happen to be there next
time?” she spat at him, her eyes narrowing. “Stella happened to be
there when you needed someone, but you could have easily called me
and I would have come to you. I would have been there, but you
didn’t
want
me there. You wanted to fuck something
meaningless because you are too fucking afraid to let me in.”

“Lexi,” he interjected hoping to reason with
her. He took another step forward nearly cornering her.

“Goddamnit, Jack! Don’t you take one more
step towards me,” she yelled, her arms extending to push him away
from her if necessary. “I need to have this conversation with you,
not get lost in your stupid blue eyes.”

He smirked despite her seriousness. “Stupid
blue eyes? I thought you liked them.”

Lexi glared. “Cut it out.”

“Fine. Sorry,” he mumbled.

They both stared at the floor not sure what
the next course of action should be. Lexi felt numb from everything
she had heard. Her body, which had already been aching from her
run, hurt all over. She just wanted to cry, but at the same time,
she felt as if she had no more tears left. Maybe if he had broken
up with her, she could have cried. But not over this. She just hurt
from this.

“Where do we go from here?” she asked him
afraid of the answer.

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

Lexi raised her head and stared at the man
she had loved for close to four years. Could she give up everything
over a one night stand? Was she really a hypocrite for being angry
at him for sleeping with someone else? It’s not like they had set
any boundaries, any rules. She had assumed that was a given. But
then again, she had been on the other end of this scenario with his
last two girlfriends. It only made sense for him not to know what
the rules were, especially if he still had it in his mind that they
weren’t officially together.

But that did not excuse how he was treating
her.

“I think you should leave,” she finally
said.

“I told you it was up to you whether or not
we kept this going,” he mumbled crossing the room to the
doorway.

“I didn’t say that I’d made a decision,” she
said stopping him with his hand on the knob.

He turned around and looked at her wistfully.
“You mean...”

“I mean you should get the fuck out, because
I don’t want to see you for the next month or so, I’m so angry at
you.” He hung his head. “But I doubt I’d ever make it a month after
what we’ve been through.” His blue eyes looked up at her, hope
apparent throughout the irises. “But I can’t look at you right now.
I feel sick to my stomach at the sight of you. You don’t care about
me, Jack. Or at least not enough to ignore a girl when she spreads
her legs for you. I don’t know if that is enough for me. Don’t come
back until you have something better to tell me.”

When Jack left her dorm, Lexi felt as if all
the air had been sucked out of the room. She collapsed back against
the couch and stared at the door he exited until her eyes stung
from not blinking enough. What had she done? What had he made her
do? How could he force her hand in such a way? So many questions
ran through her mind. She didn’t know which to focus on first.

What she did know was that he had hurt
her...he had hurt her worse than ever before.

And she had meant what she said. She couldn’t
look at him right now without hurting. She felt betrayed because of
him sleeping with Stella, but she was just as angry with herself.
When he had given her a chance for them to be together, she had
been scared and thought it would be safer to try it out without an
official title. Look how
that
had back fired in her
face.

She had made up her mind a long time ago that
Jack was the only man for her. If they had gotten through this far,
then they could make it through anything. But he had been with
Stella, when he had
known
he could have her. What kind of
guy does that?

She shook her head. She had been in that
exact position on a number of occasions with Clark. She knew how
easy it could be to escape with Jack when she couldn’t be around
Clark. As wrong as she knew it was, she hadn’t been able to stop
herself. She had always thought that desperation came from wanting
Jack. Perhaps he had always done it because he enjoyed the cloak
and dagger effect of hiding and running away from his life with
her.

Was that all she had been for all those
years?

She couldn’t be sure.

Lexi wasn’t sure how many hours had passed as
she sat rooted to her place on the sofa. Claire and Elizabeth
moseyed in at some point chatting about how amazingly wild Chyna’s
party had been. They attempted to coax a response out of her, but
she sat like a statue as they carried on about their night.
Rachelle eventually resurfaced and, after seeing the blank look on
Lexi’s face, ushered the others out of the living room. Lexi didn’t
even have a smile for her, though she did appreciate the gesture.
She did not, however, appreciate Rachelle’s own efforts to find out
what had happened between her and Jack. Lexi just glared at her as
she rattled off outrageous scenarios.

“Get the fuck out of here, Ray,” she growled
speaking for the first time.

“This isn’t healthy. I wasn’t sure if you
even could speak. If you won’t speak to me, I’m calling Chyna and
getting her over here. Maybe she can talk some sense into you,” she
grumbled stomping into Lexi’s room.

Lexi didn’t even have the energy to stop her.
What did it matter if Chyna came over? That wasn’t bringing Jack
back to her and if it did, it wasn’t going to take back what had
happened last night. She continued staring forward at the TV which,
at some point, had been switched on to a terrible Soap Opera. She
didn’t recognize what was going on and after a couple minutes all
the colors began to blur together. She knew her roommates were
talking about her in the other room, but she couldn’t concentrate
enough to make out what they were saying. It didn’t matter
anyway.

“Oh, honey,” Chyna cried as soon as she burst
through the door. She rushed across the room and sat on the couch
next to Lexi. “What happened to you?” Lexi felt her wrap her arms
around her and squeeze. She let her, but it still didn’t matter.
“How long has she been like this?” Chyna anxiously questioned
glancing over the couch at her worried roommates.

Claire shrugged and glanced towards Rachelle
who answered, “I’m not sure. Jack left around eleven. I heard the
door slam. I guess since then.”

“Eleven in the morning?” she screeched. “And
you’re just calling me now? Why it’s nearly six o’clock.”

That surprised Lexi. She hadn’t realized she
had been here that long...an hour at the most. Where had the time
gone? Had Jack called? She didn’t ask any of these questions, just
remained seated staring blankly ahead.

“Sorry,” Rachelle mumbled. The other two
girls didn’t even respond, just huddled behind their friend. “I
didn’t know what was going on with her.”