Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (25 page)

I wake the next morning to a pounding in my temples. At first I think I’m still at Nick’s because the rhythm is the same, but when I open my eyes, the blinding light from the window lets me know it’s just a headache. I gingerly roll to my side to look at the clock and see it’s 8:30. I’m glad it’s Saturday and don’t work today at the school. I do have to be at Jaxon’s at four, but that’s only for a few hours. It still gives me enough time to prepare for all the questions I’m sure will be asked.

I roll my body so my feet are planted on the floor and lift myself up. The pounding in my head gets worse, so I just sit there a minute. The memory of why I have a splitting headache comes to mind, and I wince. I’m an idiot. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to face Nick again. Good thing he doesn’t like being around me. It shouldn’t be too hard to avoid him.

After crying in front of the door for thirty minutes last night, I dragged myself up and got in the shower. Another wave of grief hit me while I was washing because I was washing his scent off my body. A scent I’ll never smell again. Once I was clean, I put on an old t-shirt and crawled into bed, where I cried more until I fell asleep. I swore to myself last night that that was it. I wasn’t crying for him anymore.

I get up, get dressed, down a Tylenol with water, do my bathroom business, and walk out to the kitchen. Caffeine is in order.

I’m pouring coffee in my mug when there’s a knock at the door. I grab a spoon and stir it quickly before heading over to answer it. I only get halfway there when the knocking turns to pounding.

“Hold your horses, geesh,” I yell.

Seeing who’s on the other side through the peephole, I roll my eyes. I do not want to deal with this right now.

“Open the fucking door, Chris,” comes Jase’s irate tone.

Knowing he won’t leave unless I let him in, I unlock and pull the door open. He shoves his way inside before I’m even finished.

“Hey, watch my damn toes!” I bark at him.

He grabs both my arms and pulls me around to face him.

“Are you okay?” My anger dissipates some with his apparent worry for me. His eyes travel all over my face, before settling on my eyes. His brows pull down into a frown and his eyes flare with ire. I’m sure I don’t look the best this morning. I avoided the mirror when getting dressed, so I don’t know what the damage is, but I’m sure I have red splotches on my face and my eyes still feel puffy. I’ve always been an ugly crier.

Before I get a chance to answer his question, he releases me and spins on his heel.

“I’m gonna fucking kill that bastard,” he growls, yanking open the door.

I reach out and grab the back of his shirt, digging my heels in to stop him. “Jase! Stop it!” I yell at his back. He twists, trying to dislodge my hands. “Goddamn it, Jase, I said stop! You’re not going to do anything to him!”

There’s no way I can let Jase get to Nick. I know he wouldn’t literally kill him, but I’m sure there would be some heated words and then a few punches thrown, from both sides. I can’t let either of the two most important men in my life get hurt on my behalf.

He turns to me so fast, yanking his shirt free, that I almost stumble. The rage glinting in his eyes would scare any other person, but this is my brother. I’ve seen it before, so I’m immune. Still doesn’t make it any less fierce and domineering though.

“I told him, Chris,” he replies, voice low but determined. “I told him if he hurt you, I was coming after him. I’ve watched him hurt you time after time. He needs to learn that it’s not okay. I can’t stand by and watch it anymore.”

I walk up to him and lay my hand on his chest, touched he wants to protect me. I love that I have my brother here and that he’s finally happy with his life, but he needs to learn he can’t protect me from everything. He almost died doing it before, and while this case isn’t near as dire, he has to know he can’t always be there. I’m a grown woman and can take care of myself. He shouldn’t throw himself in front of me every time I’m hurt.

“I love you, big brother, but you need to step back with this one. Yes, Nick hurt me, but only in my heart. You know life isn’t always easy. You can’t always be there to protect me. I have to protect myself, and I’m doing that. I’m done with Nick, okay? It’ll take some time to get over it, but he won’t hurt me anymore.”

He watches me for several seconds, gaze sliding between my eyes, like he’s looking for the truth of my words. I hold his stare so he knows I meant what I said. And as much as it hurts, I do have to let Nick go.

Abruptly, Jase pulls me into his arms, wrapping them tightly around me. I bring mine around his waist and hold on tight as well. He rests his head on top of mine and we just stand there for a couple of minutes. I soak up the warmth of Jase’s arms. I needed this. I needed to just be held by someone who cares for me.

“I hate that you’re going through this,” he murmurs. “You
shouldn’t
be going through this. You deserve to be happy, Chris.”

“I do, and one day I will be.”

“I know you will. And the guy you find will be one lucky bastard.”

I really love my big brother.

I give him one more squeeze before I pull back, blinking back the tears trying to find their way to the surface. I don’t want Jase to see them. It’ll only bring back the anger.

He kisses my forehead and releases me. It’s not until then I see him clutching my purse. He shoves it forward, saying, “You left this at Jaxon’s. Don’t do that shit anymore. I didn’t like not having a way of contacting you. And I had no way of knowing if you were okay.”

I grab my purse and nod. I can understand his worry. I’m sure it didn’t look good last night with Nick pulling me from the bar, but I know Andrew assured him Nick wouldn’t harm me.

“You want coffee?” I ask over my shoulder as I walk to the kitchen.

“Sure,” he replies and follows me.

I grab my cup, down a couple mouthfuls, and grab a clean one for Jase. I hand him his, along with the sugar and creamer. While he dumps in spoonfuls of sugar, I ask him where Andrew is.

“At home, still in bed. He worked the late shift. I snuck out because I knew he would have tried to stop me from coming over.” His eyes twinkle when he lifts them to me.

I laugh, a vision of Jase sneaking out of his and Andrew’s house playing in my mind.

“You two are nuts. A grown man sneaking out of his own house. You know that’s ridiculous, right?”

He shrugs, and takes a swallow of his coffee. “Had to make sure my baby sister was okay. I don’t know why he thinks you being with Nick is such a good idea. If he had a sister and saw him treating her like that, I bet he wouldn’t think it was a great idea then.”

“That’s because he knows what you see of Nick isn’t the real Nick. He watched the love of his life die in his arms, Jase. It’s bound to fuck with anyone’s head.”

“Still doesn’t give him the right to hurt my sister,” he mutters against the rim of his cup.

I decide to change the subject before he gets pissed again. Although the subject I’m about to bring up won’t be much better, I still need to know.

“Have you talked to Mom?” I hedge carefully, leaning against the counter and holding my warm cup between my cold hands. I don’t want him to think anything is up if he hasn’t. We don’t talk much about our family, but I do bring them up now and then.

It takes him a minute to answer and when he does, the look in his eyes isn’t good.

“She called the day before yesterday. She was beside herself apologizing for being a shitty mom. Doesn’t matter. Shit’s already done.”

My heart hurts with his words. For years he’s felt like he wasn’t good enough. I don’t know if things will change between my mom and him, but I hope for his sake, they will. And I hope he gives her the chance for that change.

“You should give her a chance, Jase. I know it was hard on you growing up. And yes, she was a crappy mom, but the last time I talked to her she seemed really upset. Maybe she’s realizing her mistake and wants to change.”

“You know better than that. Dad won’t let her change.”

He’s probably right. I think most of the time Mom only acted the way she did because she followed my dad’s lead. Which doesn’t look good for her. She should have loved her kids just as much as she loves her husband. But still, if there’s some chance things can be patched up between Jase and our mom, I think he should take it. It would be worth it in the end.

“Maybe Dad will change too,” I tell him quietly.

He laughs humorlessly and sets his cup on the counter with a bang. “Now I know you’re joking. This is the same man that kicked me out of the house for four days when I was sixteen because I got a small star tattoo on my chest. I had to sleep in the damn shed, Chris. In the winter time. I know you remember that. The only reason he let me back in was because he was worried someone from the church would find out.”

I do remember. There was a huge blowup between Jase and our dad. He literally threw him out of the house, locked the door, and told me and my mom to not let him back in. It was in the thirties at night. I brought him blankets and food and stayed with him as long as I could. Eventually, he made me go back in the house each evening. I cried and begged him to let me stay, but he wouldn’t. I hated knowing he was out there all alone. I threatened to go to some friends’ parents to tell them what was going on, but he made me promise not to. Said he was fine and he didn’t want anyone knowing.

“I remember,” I reply softly.

“And anyway, it doesn’t matter if he changes. The man’s done too much shit. Shit that can’t be undone and I’ll never forgive him for. As for Mom, we’ll see.”

I’ll give him that. If he ever only has a relationship with our mom, I’ll be happy. At least it’s something.

“Now, come give your big brother a hug so he can sneak back in before Andrew wakes up and has a fit.”

I laugh and walk to him. He snags me around my waist and pulls me forward. I squeeze him tight before pulling back and looking up at him.

“Love you, Jase. I’m glad you found your happy.”

He smiles a sad smile. “Me too. You’ll get yours.”

I lean up on my toes and kiss his cheek. After walking him to the door and saying good-bye, I close the door and release a tired breath. The headache I had earlier is almost gone, but I feel it lingering in the background.

I go about the rest of my day doing some cleaning, catching up on a few odds and ends for work, reading for a bit, and putting a pork loin in the crock pot to simmer. Before I know it, it’s time for me to get ready for work. I’ve managed to keep Nick off my mind for most of the day, but when I get in the shower the memory of him taking me comes to mind.

I push the thoughts away, not willing to let it take me under again. I’ve hurt too much because of him. I refuse to allow it to hurt me anymore.

I get dressed, check the crock pot, grab my purse, and head down to the bar. Sundays are normally slow and this one proves no different. Mia is behind the bar, with only a couple people sitting on stools and a couple playing pool. She looks my way when I lift the partition to go behind the bar with her. I ignore her questioning look and stash my purse beside hers in a cubby hole.

I smile and greet her and she does the same. I get straight to my normal duties. When I was hired I was originally supposed to be just a bartender, but I’ve since moved to working the floor as well. Mia and I make idle chitchat, and although she doesn’t bring up the subject of Nick, I know it’s on her mind. She keeps sending me concerned looks, but she doesn’t say anything. That’s one thing I like about Mia. She can be persistent and demanding when she feels strongly about something, but she knows when to keep quiet. She’s giving me that now, and I’m grateful. However, I know it won’t last long, especially if she suspects bad shit went down. I try my best to keep a jovial attitude. The less she sees my pain, the longer a reprieve I’ll have from her. Obviously I do a crappy job because she only lasts for a few hours.

I find things to do until the Sunday rush, which really isn’t a rush because Sunday is the last day before the work week begins and people need that day to recuperate from the weekend, comes trickling in. Right on time after five, a small group of people walk through the door.

Between keeping myself busy and the evening crowd filtering in, I’ve managed to keep Nick off my mind. It’s getting harder and harder though and the ache in my chest intensifies. It seems like all I do lately is think about that man and hurt over him.

“Are you okay?” Mia says, sidling up beside me.

I wipe the frown from my face I didn’t realize I had and drop my hands that are drying a beer mug to the counter. I turn give her a small smile.

Shrugging, I reply quietly, “Yeah.”

“Want to talk about it?” she asks. I look over and see she’s picked up her own rag and is drying a glass. She’s not making a big deal out of the elephant in the room, but she’s letting me know she’s there. That’s what I need right now. Knowing I have people if I need them, but not have them push me.

“Not really,” I say as nicely as I can. I’m not ready to talk about it. Putting it out there for Jase this morning was enough; even if I didn’t really give him the story, he knows the outcome.

She drops the rag and glass on the counter and faces me.

“I learned not too long ago that sometimes it helps to talk about things. It’s hard at first, but once you do, you feel better.”

I take her words to heart. I know she’s right, but I’m just not there yet. It only happened yesterday, and I’m still coming to grips with what Nick did and how it made me feel. How having him inside me made me feel. Up to the point of him asking me that question and then him calling out Anna’s name, feeling him inside me, over me, surrounding me, was one of the best things in the world. How could something that felt so right, so perfect, end so badly?

I clutch the rag in my hand until my knuckles hurt.

“Thank you, Mia. I’m sure one day I can talk about it, but I can’t yet. It’s over between me and Nick.” I laugh at that. “Actually, it never really started, but whatever, it’s done.”

She listens, but I see the wheels turning in her head. It looks like she’s going to say something, and I brace for it. Mia can be tenacious, so I worry she’s going to continue with trying to get me to talk. She must see something in my eyes that tells her it’ll be a wasted effort because she stops herself. Instead, she puts an arm around my waist and gives me a squeeze before pulling back.