Baby, It's You (22 page)

He turned and put his arm around Kari, pulling her against him. He kissed her hair, then held her tightly. “You’re the only one who doesn’t ask anything of me. Whenever I’m with you, it’s because I want to be, not because I have to be. It seems as if my whole life has been
have to
. I didn’t even know what
want to
felt like until you came along.”

A wave of despair came over Kari, making her desperate to tell him how she felt about him. She loved him so much she ached with it. The words were on the tip of her tongue, fighting to get out, but she swallowed them at the last second. He loved this place. And he loved his family. But he’d never given her any indication that he loved
her
. That would lead to a relationship, which would involve the kind of responsibility he was telling her he wanted nothing to do with. Hadn’t he said it? She was his
want to
. The moment she put any restrictions on him, demanded anything from him, became one more of his
have tos
…

She’d lose him.

Later after Marc was asleep, Kari lay awake in the dark, worry eating away at her. He wanted so desperately to leave, but she had to agree with Nina. She wasn’t sure it would truly make him happy. But Kari hadn’t been lying. If Marc wanted to fly to the moon, she’d find a way to crawl into that space capsule with him.

But there was a problem with that. Maybe a big problem.

How could she cross this country on a motorcycle with Marc if she got sick every time she got on one? If it was all she could have of him, that was what she wanted. But if going with him wasn’t going to be an option, she’d have to say good-bye. And the thought of that was absolutely intolerable.

But speaking of sick…

Ever since dinner, she’d felt a little woozy. Maybe it was leftover motion sickness from the ride home. But how could that be? As the minutes passed, the feeling grew more intense until she felt as if she was going to throw up.

A shadow of a thought worked its way into her mind. It faded, then came back even stronger. She shook it away again, but finally she couldn’t ignore it. She put her hand to her stomach, and for a moment she couldn’t breathe. Was it possible…?

Oh, God.
Maybe it wasn’t the motorcycle after all.

The next afternoon, Daniel avoided Marc, walking the other way when he saw him coming, and Marc knew it was going to take every bit of self-control he had not to grab his brother by the collar and tell him what a fool he was. Marc felt as if he wasn’t in control of anything anymore. He usually loved this time of year, when the vineyard was the most beautiful. But looking at it now, all he saw was a disaster waiting to happen.

It was only two in the afternoon, but he decided he’d go inside, take a shower, and wait for Kari to get home. She was off today, but she’d been gone all morning. Where, he didn’t know, but as soon as she came back he wanted to talk to her. He felt as if his life was crashing in on him from all sides, as if his dream was slipping away, and he didn’t know what to do to make it stop. He only knew if he could talk to her, things wouldn’t seem so insurmountable.

He took a shower, which didn’t make him feel remotely better. Then he went to his bedroom and got dressed. He sat down on the bed for a moment, dropping his head to his hands with a heavy sigh. Then he heard footsteps, and Kari appeared at the door. She paused there for a moment, then came into the bedroom, tossed her purse aside, and sat down next to him on the bed.

“I’m glad you’re home,” he said.

“I had some errands,” she said quietly. “What’s wrong?”

“Daniel is still avoiding me. If this vintage is anything but total crap, it’ll be a miracle of God.”

“He won’t listen to you?”

“He never has before. Why would I think this time would be any different?”

Kari nodded solemnly. “So are you thinking about staying?”

He wasn’t sure what he heard in her voice. Disappointment? Probably. After all, he’d promised her they were leaving there. Getting on the road, just the two of them. Feeling crazy and free without a care in the world. To her, life was one big adventure, and that was what he’d promised her. Now it sounded as if he was returning to the man he used to be, the one who took life so damned seriously to the exclusion of everything else.

Then all at once, he had a moment of clarity he hadn’t anticipated. In the past several weeks, he’d learned what it felt like to color outside the lines, and it was because of Kari. She’d taught him to be spontaneous. To look forward to tomorrow and all the fun they were going to have. She’d given herself to him in ways a woman never had before, with total and complete abandon. She’d made him realize there was another side of life he’d never experienced, one he craved now with everything he had in him. Not only was it what he’d promised her, it was what he’d promised himself. Wasn’t breaking out of that mold exactly what he’d always wanted? What he deserved after being Mr. Responsibility all these years?

“No,” he said. “No matter what happens here, we’re going anyway.”

Her face fell. “Are you sure?”

He frowned. “You sound like my family. I thought you wanted to do this.”

“I do. It’s just that…well, are you sure
you
want to?”

“Yes. Of course I’m sure. As soon as harvest is over, we’re getting on my motorcycle and leaving. It’s what I’ve dreamed of all these years, and now that it’s almost here, I’m not giving it up. I know I said I’m worried about the vineyard. But Daniel already rescheduled the crew, and I couldn’t get one here any earlier if I wanted to. I can’t change it, so why fight it?”

“What about Nina and Angela?”

“They’ll have to learn to stand on their own two feet.”

“I just don’t want you to regret leaving.”

“I’m not going to regret anything.”

“Maybe you should wait,” she said. “Get through harvest this year. Let things with Angela settle down. And Nina—”

“No! It has to be now. Now or never. Nothing is going to stand in our way. Once harvest is over, we’re leaving.”

“Marc—”

“Isn’t that what you want? What we both want?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Kari? Are you backing out on me?”

“No! It’s not that. It’s—”

“Good. Because it’s going to be great. Just the two of us together on the open road. We can do whatever we want, whenever we want. Nobody needing us, nobody depending on us—”

“Marc! Will you stop talking? Please. Just
stop
!”

Her face crumpled, as if she was on the verge of crying. He looked at her with confusion. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t say it. I just—” She dropped her head to one hand.

“Kari?”

When she looked up again, tears filled her eyes. “I’m pregnant.”

T
he moment Kari spoke the words, Marc felt as if a frigid wind had swept across the room and knocked him flat on his back. He stared at Kari, unable to speak, unable to breathe, praying time would stop and he wouldn’t have to hear another word. Wishing he could go back in time five minutes—just
five minutes
—and play this all again, only this time she wouldn’t say
those words
and his life wouldn’t be crashing down on him.

“How do you know?” he finally managed to say. “If you’re just late—”

“I went to the doctor this morning.”

“Is there any chance she’s wrong?”

“No,” Kari said. “There’s no doubt.”

Oh, God. This could
not
be happening. “The baby,” he said by rote, not looking at her. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes. The doctor says everything is fine.”

“You?”

“Just a little morning sickness.”

He dropped his head to his hands. A few seconds later, he felt a surge of frustration and jerked it back up again. “How the
hell
did this happen?”

“The usual way.”

“We used protection.”

“It’s not a hundred percent.”

“It’s damned close if you use it right!”

“We did. You know we did. Sometimes things just…happen.”

“No, Kari. This doesn’t just happen. No man on
earth
has this kind of shitty luck!”

Then he thought about the condom that first time they’d been together in the cottage. Expired. Only two months, though. Two months. They were good for years.
Years.
Could that little time have possibly made a difference? In spite of his history, he hadn’t continued to worry about it because he was a logical man and it just wasn’t logical to get uptight about those kinds of odds. He didn’t think there had been an obvious problem with it, but he was so damned distracted, so caught up in having sex for the first time in forever…

So damned irresponsible.

Marc couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand that feeling of history repeating itself, that stomach-churning feeling of his life coming to a screeching halt.

“I knew you’d be upset,” Kari said carefully. “And you have a right to be.”

“Hell
yes
, I have a right to be!”

She shrank away as if he’d slapped her, but he couldn’t say anything to mitigate his words. This was it. The one thing he’d feared the most. Being tied down for the next two decades.

“I know how you feel about this, but—”

“No, Kari, you don’t. You don’t have a clue how I feel about this.”

“Yes. I do. I’ve listened to you. I’ve heard you say it over and over. I know how important it is for you to finally be able to live your own life. But if we just talk about it—”

“Not now. I can’t right now.”

“But—”

“I said I can’t talk about it.”

“You blame me for this, don’t you?”

Maybe he did. Maybe he blamed her for being a crazy woman who left her own wedding and ended up on his doorstep that rainy night. If she hadn’t done that, none of this would be happening. The irony overwhelmed him. The woman who’d made him feel free for the first time in years was the one tying him down all over again.

But she wasn’t the only one at fault. Hadn’t he known what might happen? Hadn’t he
known
? His father’s voice echoed inside his head all over again.
I counted on you to be smarter than that.

“No. I blame myself. Could I have been a bigger fool?”

He couldn’t sit there any longer. Not with Kari looking at him like that, needing him to say things he couldn’t, to tell her things were going to be all right, because right then he wasn’t sure they were.

He rose from the bed, grabbed a bag from his closet, and tossed it on the bed.

“What are you doing?” Kari asked.

He threw a change of clothes in it.

“Marc?”

“I have to get out of here.”

“Get out of here?”

“Ride.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Just for a while.” He went into the bathroom and grabbed a few items.

“What about the vineyard?” Kari said when he came back in the room.

He dumped the toiletries into his bag. “Daniel is here.”

That was all he could say. He couldn’t think any more about that, because his mind was filled to bursting with visions of a future he never thought he’d have. He needed to clear his head. Make sense of this. Approach it logically. He needed to
think
, damn it, and get a plan. Only idiots faced challenges without a plan.

But he had no plan this time. None at all. But all he could think about was getting on his motorcycle and putting as much distance between himself and this disaster as he possibly could.

He zipped his bag, knowing he was being a bastard for acting this way. But he couldn’t even look at Kari. He couldn’t face what was going on. He just needed some time. With his life falling apart all around him, his plans destroyed, didn’t he at least deserve that?

He brushed past her and headed for the bedroom door.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“When will you be back?”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“Marc—”

He wheeled back around. “Don’t ask me when I’m going to be
back
!”

He squeezed his eyes closed, gritting his teeth. He didn’t want to be this way. He didn’t. But wasn’t this how it always was? Answering to everyone? Being pulled ten different directions? Everybody
wanting
something from him?

“I went through hell back then,” he said, his voice low and intense. “Nicole leaving. My parents dying. Raising two teenagers and a baby when I was just a teenager myself. Working in the vineyard until I was ready to drop. I managed only one way. By seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t see that light anymore.”

“No,” Kari said, shaking her head. “Don’t you see? It’s not going to be like that this time. This is my baby, too. I wouldn’t even think about walking away. Do you understand that? I’m going to take care of him. Be a mother in every way there is.”

“Yeah? How do you expect to do that?”

“What do you mean?”

“A few weeks ago, you couldn’t even put food in your own mouth.”

She swallowed hard. “I’ve come a long way since then.”

“And you have a long way to go.”

“I know. And I know it’s going to be hard, but—”

“Hard? You’re a waitress in a small-town café. You make next to nothing. You work odd hours, and you’re exhausted at the end of every shift. Until you’ve tried to take care of a baby in addition to all that, you don’t have a clue what hard is. I’m sorry, Kari. But that’s the truth.”

“I won’t be his only parent.”

“But I can’t be sure that I won’t.”

“Yes, you can! Didn’t I just tell you—”

“Don’t you think Nicole told me the same thing?” Marc said hotly, his voice escalating. “When she told me she was pregnant, she couldn’t stop crying. I told her everything was going to be okay. She said she believed me, that she could do it as long as I was with her. But she left anyway. I woke up one morning, and she was gone. She got her freedom. I stayed and took responsibility, because I was raised to believe that no man was a man unless he did. But now
this
? When in the name of God is it going to be
my
turn?”

“I would never leave you,” she said.

“Sorry, but you don’t have a great track record where not leaving is concerned. Christ, Kari. You walked away from your own wedding!”

She recoiled as if he’d struck her. “Should I have stayed and married him?”

“Hell no! But you didn’t exactly face the problem head-on, did you?”

Tears filled her eyes. “I mean it, Marc. I would
never
leave you.”

He knew she meant that right now. But let her deal with one sleepless night after another with a screaming baby, and just how long would she last? How long would it be before he woke up one morning to find himself alone all over again?

Looking at her now, he tried to see the woman who’d brought him so much pleasure for the past several weeks, but wasn’t that what had caused this problem in the first place? If only he’d held the hard line he’d laid down for himself and kept his hands off her, he wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

“You don’t have to worry,” he said. “I’ll be back. And I’ll stay, because I don’t have any other choice. And twenty years from now, you can bet your last dollar I’ll still be here. Is that what you want to hear?”

She looked at him with a forlorn expression, her eyes glistening with tears. “I just want you to be happy.”

Happy? What chance did he have of that now? “I have to go.”

With that, he threw his bag over his shoulder and walked out the door.

Kari was still in Marc’s bedroom when she heard the sound of his motorcycle coming up the drive, passing by the house, and then heading for the front gate. She listened, tears bubbling up inside her, until the sound disappeared in the distance and there was nothing but silence.

She loved him. God, she loved him so much. She’d almost blurted it out. She’d almost told him she loved him, that she’d loved him almost from the beginning, that there was no other man on this earth she could imagine loving more.

But he didn’t love her.

That thought made her even sicker to her stomach than she already felt. If he loved her, he would have swept her into his arms and told her that nothing mattered but the life they’d created and the two of them being together. Instead, he’d done just the opposite.

He’d run.

She’d had a fantasy all the way home from the doctor that she’d tell him the news and he’d take her in his arms and tell her he loved her and he wanted to raise their baby together. How stupid could she possibly have been? That had been a silly delusion that only a fool would have. And he was right. As long as she was a waitress at Rosie’s, she’d have a hell of a time raising a baby without a tremendous amount of help, and he was going to be the one providing that help. Because of that, he would resent her for the rest of their lives.

She thought about the ultrasound photo she’d held in her hand as she came into his bedroom to tell him the news. When she saw the look on his face, she was too scared to give it to him, so when he grabbed some things from the bathroom, she’d slipped it inside his bag. Now she was regretting that. Would it make things worse than they already were?

In the end, he’d be back. And she knew he’d stay in Rainbow Valley. Be a father to their baby. Even though he was angry right now, she knew he’d love their child with everything he had in him. But what would she be to him?

Nothing but the mother of his child. The woman who’d been fun for a while, then tied him down in exactly the way he feared the most.

Feeling miserable, she got dressed to go to work, so preoccupied she barely realized she was doing it. When she went to the kitchen to grab her purse and keys, Daniel was coming through the back door.

“Where did Marc go? I saw him leave on his motorcycle earlier.”

She gave him a smile that she hoped looked genuine. “He decided to take it for another spin. He might be gone overnight. Wish I could have gone with him, but I have to work.”

“Getting a head start on that new lifestyle, huh?” Daniel said as he grabbed a beer from the fridge.

“Yeah. I guess so.” She headed for the back door. “Gotta get to work.”

“Kari?”

She turned back. “Yeah?”

“Marc. Just how pissed is he?”

Daniel didn’t look at her as he said it, and suddenly Kari knew that for all his bravado, he hated the fact that they weren’t getting along.

“You guys are just having a difference of opinion,” she said.

“He thinks there’s only one way.
His
way. I have a new method of aging the wine that’ll pay off big time for this vineyard, and he won’t even consider it. He refuses to listen to anyone else. And not just about the vineyard. I want to pay Angela’s tuition just to make things easier for him, but he refuses to let me do it even when I’ll never miss the money. How stupid is that?”

“Does that really surprise you?”

“No. I just wish he’d
listen
to me once in a while.” He popped the cap on the beer and tossed it into the trash. “I postponed our harvest crew until next week. I think it was the right decision. But if it’s not, I’m never going to hear the end of it from Marc.”

She wished she could tell Daniel that in the end, he wasn’t going to have to worry about making the right decisions at the vineyard. That he was going to get a reprieve. That Marc would be staying and running the place because he had a baby now and hitting the road on his motorcycle wasn’t going to be an option after all. But until she worked this out with Marc, until they came to some kind of understanding that didn’t involve him looking at her as if his life had just fallen apart, she couldn’t say a word to anyone.

The drone of the engine did nothing to drown out Marc’s thoughts as he headed down the highway. Where he was going, he didn’t know. But as the hours passed, the open road he’d dreamed of all these years seemed bleak and empty, and the longer he rode, the more unsettled he felt. He shouldn’t have left. He knew that. Not with Kari looking at him like that, needing him to reassure her. But how the hell could he do that when he couldn’t even reassure himself? He knew now there was no end to it. His life was never going to be his own.

Never.

For hours, Marc drove blindly down Highway 28, and as the afternoon became evening, he wasn’t even completely sure where he was. Soon he came to a more populated area, where hundreds of acres of farmland became smaller acreages dotted with houses. The speed limit dropped to thirty-five, evidence that a town was up ahead. He rounded a bend and came upon a small cinder block motel with a diner attached. A weathered sign out front said, “Sunnyside Inn.”

He slowed his motorcycle and pulled into the parking lot, but it wasn’t until he brought it to a halt and stepped off of it that he realized how tired he was. Glancing at his watch, he was surprised to see he’d been driving for almost six hours.