Authors: Jessica Mastorakos
Chapter
Fourteen
Spencer
“Hey,” Mills
nodded at me as I came through the door to our shared room. It was Friday, and
we had just finished a long week of classes. The rooms actually looked a lot
like dorm rooms, from what I’d seen while hooking up with college girls,
anyway. I was exhausted from the long day, but since my days were all long now
it didn’t really matter. I flung my bag onto the twin bed on the left side of
the room and plopped down after it.
“You feel like
going out tonight?” I asked him, unlacing my boots. When Mills didn’t answer
right away, I looked up at him expectantly. “What?”
“Why do you want
to go out?” He cocked his head.
“It’s Friday.”
“Is everything
okay with Ellie?”
My fists clenched
without me even realizing I was angry. I relaxed them and swallowed back a
sarcastic remark. “Why do you ask?”
Mills sat opposite
me on his bed and rested his elbows on his knees. I could tell he wanted to say
something, but he was hesitating for some reason. After a few more breaths he
met my gaze. “Because we’ve been here for three weeks and haven’t gone out
once. I figured that since you were with Ellie now, you weren’t going out
because you didn’t need to go get chicks. Now, all of the sudden, you want to
go out. So, I’m just asking if everything is okay with Ellie.”
I stood abruptly,
making Mills lean back with a start. “Man, mind your own fucking business. I
was just in the mood to party. You don’t want to? Fine. I’m sure the other guys
are going out.”
Before Mills could
reply, I grabbed some jeans and a nice shirt out of my closet and went to the
bathroom to take a shower. I sent out a text to a few of my buddies asking if
they knew of anything going on and slammed my phone down on the counter. With
no one to face but my own reflection in the mirror, I hung my head. The only
reason I lashed out at Mills was because he was right. But just because he was
right, didn’t mean that I needed him trying to get inside my head like a damn
shrink. It was none of his business. Or was it? I shook my head in frustration
and got in the shower. Hopefully there would be a text with party plans waiting
for me when I got out.
The hot water did
nothing for clarity like I had hoped it would. I stood there, letting it fall
over me, wishing I knew what the hell I was thinking. The past few weeks had
been just as good as they had been conflicting. Ellie and I were texting and
talking all the time, but none of it felt real. It was as if I was just waiting
for it all to come crashing down. Actually being able to hold her and kiss her
that weekend in California had been just enough to show me how much I loved
her. In showing me that, I also realized how bad it was going to suck to lose
her. It wasn’t a matter of
if
I would
lose her. It was a matter of
when.
There
were so many things that could just naturally go wrong with military
relationships – or any relationship for that matter. But how long should
I keep her from being with her ‘white-picket-fence-guy?’ The thought of her
being with anyone else made me cringe, but what else was I supposed to do?
I couldn’t let
this thing with her go on for years. She would waste valuable time waiting for
me while I was in training, and then when I got stationed in some foreign
country was she supposed to just drop everything and come with me? That would
mean that we’d have to be married. The other option was for her to put her life
on hold to wait for me. There were too many questions that I didn’t like the
answer to. Not to mention the thought of eventually having to tell her that I
couldn’t have kids with her. Not that I couldn’t, but that I
wouldn’t.
There was no way that I was
going to have kids and then leave them all the time like my dad did to me,
forcing Ellie to be a single mom whenever I was gone. It just wasn’t right. And
I felt like the biggest asshole in the world for even letting it get this far.
My phone,
signaling that I had a text, brought me back. I hurried up with the rest of my
shower and vowed to put it out of my head for just one night. In fact, maybe it
would be best if I just did what I was so good at and turned everything off for
the night like I used to. Maybe it would be better if I were true to who I
really was, so Ellie could find a guy that deserved her. I sure as hell didn’t.
***
The alarm blaring
next to my face sent me shooting up straight, panicking. What time was it? Was
I late for class? I frantically grabbed at my phone to silence the incessant
beeping, my head pounding. When my world stopped spinning, I dared a look
around the sunlit room. Mills was sneering at me from his bed. He slammed the
lid down on his laptop and set it aside. With a disgusted shake of his head, he
stood and stalked toward the door.
“Wait,” I called
after him, wincing at the sound of my own voice.
He spun on his
heel to face me, but didn’t say a word.
“I’m sorry for
what I said before I went out last night, man. I guess I just needed to blow
off some steam.” I struggled to regulate the volume of my voice, my head
pounding with each word.
He chuckled, but
there was no humor in the sound. “And how about everything else?”
I frowned.
What the hell was he talking about?
I
wracked my brain for clues, trying to remember if I even spoke to Mills again
after I left with the other guys. He seemed to know when I came up blank
because he was chuckling again after a few minutes. The sound was really
starting to get on my nerves. Instead of lashing out, I became suspicious.
Mills was normally so genuine and kind. For him to be this bitter, I must have
really fucked up.
“You don’t
remember anything?” Mills asked, lifting a brow.
I shook my head in
response, clutching my temple in pain from the movement. “The last time I
remember talking to you was before I left.”
“And you don’t
remember anything that happened while you were gone?”
I looked up at
him. What the hell could have happened that would have Mills’ panties in a
twist? I closed my eyes and tried to retrace my steps. Finding that everything
was a blur, I shrugged. “I don’t know, man. Why don’t you just tell me?”
Mills chuckled in
that cruel way again and walked over to the desk chair. He pulled it out and
sat on it backwards, facing me. “I’ve got time. Why don’t you start telling me
from the beginning? I’ll try to fill you in as you go.”
I glanced over at
the nightstand and saw a water bottle that I had left there the day before and
grabbed for it like a lifeline. After draining it all in a few gulps, I closed
my eyes again. “Okay, I left here to meet up with Jones and Keller. They were
going to a house party that the girl at Subway told them about. We got there;
they had beer in the coolers and told us to help ourselves. There were a lot of
sailors there.”
“Well, we are at a
Navy base,” Mills sneered.
I bristled at his
tone. “Yeah. I know. Anyway, it was chill.”
“Go on.”
Something jogged
my memory when I pictured the beer. That wasn’t the only kind of alcohol they
were passing out. “Oh, we did shots. Oh, shit. We did Jaeger Bombs.”
Something clicked
for Mills because he nodded his head in understanding. “Everything fuzzy after
that?”
I nodded back at
him. “Yeah.”
“Okay, fine. Allow
me to educate you. That was the point that you got black out drunk and hooked
up with a random girl in her car outside.”
I flinched.
“That’s not all.
When you were done with her, you apparently asked if she had any friends. Then
you took her and the friend upstairs.”
It just kept
getting worse. I picked my phone up from the bed next to me and checked to see
if I’d missed any calls from Ellie while I’d been passed out.
“Don’t bother
looking to see if she called you, bro. You took care of Ellie already.”
My eyes flew up to
meet his. “I did
what
?”
“Ellie happened to
call while you were with the girls.” Mills showed a small amount of pity for
the first time. “You proceeded to tell her
in
detail
what you’d been up to, and told her that what had happened between
the two of you meant just as little as what was happening with those girls
right then.”
Without thinking,
I threw the phone against the wall over Mills’ bed. If what he was saying was
true, I had not only hurt her by cheating on her, but I also rubbed her face in
it. How could I do that? How could I do that and not even remember it? If she
didn’t hate me now, she’d be an idiot. And my Ellie was no idiot. Not that
she’d be
my
Ellie ever again.
Mills could
apparently tell how fucked up I was over this because his features softened
completely now. “Dude, what the hell were you thinking?”
I shook my head at
him, unable, or unwilling, to answer. Before I’d gone out, I remember thinking
that ending things with Ellie would be best in the long run. I remember
acknowledging that my true nature – a player – was better for my
lifestyle. But never, in all of that, did I make a conscious decision to hurt
my best friend. A real man wouldn’t blame the alcohol, however, so I guess I’m
as big of a scumbag as I thought I was.
A thought occurred
to me. “How did you find out about all of this? Did I tell you when I got back?
How did I get back, anyway?”
“Ellie called
Olivia, freaking out. Then, Olivia called me, freaking out. She thought I was
with you and completely chewed me out like I had something to do with it.”
“Sorry,” I said,
not meeting his eyes.
“It’s fine. I
called Jones after I talked to Olivia and he gave me the address of the party.
I took a cab there to bring you back. You owe me fifty bucks, by the way.”
I nodded, still
looking down. “Thanks.”
“While I think
what you did is fucking slimy, you’re like a brother to me.”
His words,
probably meant to bring some comfort, only brought another stab to my gut.
Mills was like a brother to me, too. I hated the way he was looking at me like
I had let him down. I hated it as much as I hated myself for doing what I did.
As much as I didn’t want to think about the consequences of my actions, one
thing was exceptionally clear. Ellie was free to live her life without me now.
I just wish I hadn’t hurt her to make it happen.
“So, what are you
going to do to fix it? Because I
gotta
tell you, Spence, it’s
gonna
take something big. Like
a miracle.”
“I’m not going to
fix it, Mills. Ellie has always deserved better.”
Chapter
Fifteen
Ellie
The last thing I wanted
to do was the leave the warmth of my bed to go answer the door, but I knew
Olivia would just keep bugging me until I let her in. I padded down the hall,
tightening my pink, terrycloth robe as I went. I passed the mirror in the
hallway and caught sight of my reflection. Wincing, I paused to re-do my
much-too-messy bun and gently patted the bags under my eyes. There was no
denying that I’d spent most of the night crying.
I took a deep
breath and continued to the door. I opened it slowly, stifling the urge to hiss
at the bright sunlight like a vampire. Olivia’s encouraging smile was almost
equally blinding, but I let her in. She walked straight into the kitchen and
deposited the bagels and coffee that she’d brought over. If she had asked me
first, I’d have told her not to bother. But now, I followed the delicious aroma
wafting like a yellow brick road to the kitchen.
“How did you
sleep?” She asked sweetly, handing me a cup of the caffeinated lifeline.
I just glared at
her as if to say,
how do you think I slept?
“Right. I figured.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I talked to Matt this morning.”
I froze, the
coffee cup halfway to my lips, waiting for her to continue.
“I guess Hawk was
in bad shape this morning. Matt laid into him really hard.”
“That doesn’t make
me feel better, Olivia.”
She shrugged. “It
made me feel better. Matt said that Hawk was so hung over he could barely talk
at a normal volume without being in physical pain.”
“I guess he
deserves that,” I conceded. “But what do you mean about Matt laying into him?
What did he say?”
Olivia took her
coffee around the edge of the counter and sat at one of the barstools. “I guess
he pretty much told him what had happened and made him feel guilty about it.”
I narrowed my
eyes. “He didn’t remember?”
“I guess Jaeger
Bombs were involved.”
“Oh, shit. Spencer
really doesn’t mix well with
Jaegermeister
. Bad
things tend to happen.”
Olivia reached
across the counter and put her hand over mine. “Ellie, that doesn’t excuse how
he acted. He can’t just blame the Jaeger. What he did was messed up on so many
levels. It would be bad enough if he had just cheated on you, but the way he
told you about it like that? It’s just cruel and unusual, if you ask me.”
“I know, but
honestly, he’s just not used to dealing with the girlfriend thing.” I held up a
hand before she could interrupt me. “I’m not excusing it, I’m just trying to
find a reason for it. It’s hard to call it cheating when we never actually
defined our relationship. I would like to think it was unspoken, but maybe
not.”
Olivia shrugged
again. “Ellie, maybe there’s a reason why you never tried to get with Spencer
in all the years you’ve known him. Maybe deep down you knew that he wasn’t the
kind of guy that does well with a steady girlfriend. But you need to stop defending
him either way. You’re like one of those girls in fiction that we’re supposed
to look up to but are actually just spineless. Don’t be that girl.”
She may have a
point, but for some sad reason I had thought that I would be the exception to
his ways. I guessed that was the excuse that all of those stereotypical girls
used. “I just need to hear from him what happened and how he feels about it
all.”
“I don’t think
that’s a good idea, sweetie. He was pretty clear about what
happened,
drunk or not. Do you really
want to hear all of that again?” Olivia was giving me a look of such sympathy
that I almost wanted to cry again.
“No, I guess I
don’t.”
“Maybe you should
just wait. If there’s any hope of you guys working this out, maybe you should
give him some space until you’re face-to-face at Christmas.”
She was probably
right. Spencer wasn’t much for words. He had a hard enough time communicating
his deepest feelings in person, let alone on the phone. Christmas wasn’t too
far away, so it wouldn’t kill me to wait to get my closure until then. The only
thing I knew for sure was that the romantic part of our relationship was done.
Spencer had made that exceptionally clear on the phone the night before. If I
was being honest, that was for the best. The short time that we were a couple
only showed me how amazing it could be. I realized after that awful phone call
just how close I had been to falling for him. If it had gone any further, I
would have gotten my heart broken. Who knows, maybe I already had.
***
The rest of the
weekend went by in a blur of Sex and City re-runs and salty tears. I wasn’t
sure if I was mourning the loss of my boyfriend or my best friend. Really, it
was both. Spencer was usually the first person I would go to if I was hurting,
not the person who hurt me. It felt weird to have Olivia checking up on me all
weekend to make sure I was okay. I appreciated the thought, but it just felt
wrong not to have my Spencer there when I needed him. He wasn’t
my
Spencer anymore, though.
Now, sitting at my
desk and staring at the same paragraph for the last twenty minutes, I made the
decision to suck it up and move on. So, it didn’t work out with the sluttiest
guy I know. That shouldn’t be a surprise to me. Olivia was totally right. There
was a reason we had never attempted to be together before. He just wasn’t that
into me. I’d spent enough time that weekend with my face covered in tears.
Enough was enough. If Tim, or any other guy, had treated me badly, I had
stopped it and moved on. This wasn’t any different. Ready, set, on to the next.
“Good morning,
Elizabeth.”
I jumped, startled
by the smooth voice coming from above my desk. I flushed when I saw Eric
casually posed with his arms crossed on my ledge, like he’d been there a while.
“How long have you been standing there?”
He tilted his head
with a crooked smile. “Long enough to see you brooding into that deposition
that you’re supposed to be reading.”
“I was
distracted.”
“I have that
effect.”
I looked back up
at him just in time to see him wink, causing me to flush a deeper shade of red.
“So, what were you
thinking about that had you all distracted?” His words were flirtatious, but I
could tell that he genuinely cared about my answer. It made me brave. This was
the type of guy that would be courteous and kind. I needed some of that in my
life.
“Remember when you
asked me out?”
He slowly
straightened from his relaxed posture against my desk, lifting his chin. “Ah,
yes. The heartbreak I suffered at your refusal has barely given me peace.”
I rolled my eyes,
flattered. “Does the offer still stand?”
“I’ll pick you up
at 8 o’clock on Friday.” He tapped a hand once on the ledge and then turned to
walk away.
“Wait, you’re
going to pick me up?”
He turned,
confused. “Why wouldn’t I pick you up? I do have a car, you know.”
I laughed. “I
figured.”
He cocked an
eyebrow at me in question, so I lowered my voice and looked around to make sure
none of the other lawyers were around. “What about my dad?”
He smiled a quick,
easy smile. “What
about
your dad?”
This time, it was
my turn to look confused.
“Elizabeth, are
you a grown up?”
I nodded.
“So am I.”
***
Friday night at
dinner, I marveled at the ease in which Eric kept the conversation flowing.
There was never a dull moment. He had so many stories and interesting opinions.
What was even more impressive was that he actually listened to my stories as if
they were just as interesting. Fascinating, even. He sure knew how to make a
girl feel wanted. Over dessert, I was starting to have fragmented
everything-happens-for-a-reason thoughts.
When he had picked
me up from my house, I was shocked to find that he had already talked to my dad
about it ahead of time. Or, at least I figured that he must have, judging by
the lack of surprise on my father’s face when he saw Eric. They shook hands in greeting
and he waved politely at my mom, saying that it was nice to see her again. Apparently
they’d met when she’d visited the office. With that, we were told to have a
good time and left. It was spookily casual.
“So, are you going
to tell me what happened?” He suddenly asked, taking a bite of the pizza-cookie
we were sharing.
“What do you
mean?”
“What happened
with the other guy? The one you were dating.”
He looked so
genuinely interested in my answer that I couldn’t be anything other than
honest. I would be vague, but honest, nonetheless. “We were best friends for
years. Last month we attempted to make it more than that. It didn’t work.”
He nodded as if
he’d been there. For all I knew, maybe he had been there. I waited to see if he
would ask for more details, but he seemed to be waiting for me to elaborate.
Finally, I cracked. “See, he doesn’t really do the whole ‘relationship’ thing.
I guess I just thought I would be an exception.”
He nodded again.
Sitting here with Eric made me think that I might not have been that close to
falling in love with Spencer, after all. If I had, would it really be this easy
to go on a date with another guy and have such an amazing time? Maybe Eric was
the kind of guy I should be focusing on. He seemed like he had all of the qualities
I was looking for, and his complete and total sincerity when talking about what
happened with Spencer was really… touching. Besides, my dad obviously approved.
“Ellie?” He was
smiling, but the corners of his mouth didn’t quite turn up the way they had
before.
“Yes?”
“I think you might
need some closure with your friend before we see each other again.”
The rejection in
his words hit me like a slap. When it sunk in, it hurt worse that he was
actually being just as kind and perceptive as he always was. I knew I wanted
closure, but he was picking that information right out of my head as if he knew
me inside and out. This guy really was something.
“Before you
misunderstand, let me tell you where I’m coming from with this.” He reached
across the table and took my hand, his thumb brushing lightly over the back of
it. “My ex had an unresolved thing with her last boyfriend. She never got her
closure, and it wasn’t until I was completely in love with her that she left me
to work things out with him. I’m just trying not to have that happen again.
Fool me once, and all that.”
I couldn’t help
but smile broadly at him. “I understand.”
“I want to make
sure that you know how I feel about you, though. I spend a large part of my day
at the office trying to come up with reasons to come see you at the front desk.
You’re the only thing that makes me look forward to Mondays.”
“My dad would
probably love to hear what he pays you for.”
He shook his head
with a laugh. “I doubt that very much.”
“So, after I get
my closure?”
He brought my hand
to his lips in an old-fashioned gesture. “I’ll be waiting.”