Backstage Dirty (The Savage Light Rockers #1) (5 page)

“No reason to apologize
, but thank you for wanting to.” She looked at him through the veil of her lashes, but it was an innocent look, and not that he had seen countless time from women trying to sleep with him. That was why he also cared about Tanner the way he had…she was genuine.

He shoved his hands in his front pockets
, and looked down, trying to get his thoughts off of her and what he wanted to do, and to a purer intent. It wasn’t that he just wanted to fuck her, because although he did want her in a bad way, he just liked being around her. She had always had this light that surrounded her, and although it sounded kind of cheesy, it was the truth. She had the ability to make him laugh when he was angry, and to have him realize the many times he had been wrong. The thing with Tanner was he felt like this inexperienced schoolboy around her. He had always felt that way, even if he could act the opposite. Yeah, they had grown up together, but there was something different with her. There had always been something different with her, something that had drawn him. It sounded so fucking dumb when he thought about it, but it was the truth. Where he could just curl his finger and a groupie would be there with her panties around her ankles, he felt damn nervous with Tanner. If she knew all the fucking nasty sex he’d had backstage after concerts, the filthy kind that he usually felt ashamed of and in need of a shower when he finished, she would probably never let him touch her.

“So, you never told me how it was physically possible for
Five to do all those chicks.” There was an easygoing tone in her voice, curiosity even, but he knew as soon as he told her she’d realize just how different the guys were since the last time they were together.

“He had them in a damn line, was pumping three times and then moving down to the next.”

She stared at him for a moment, no expression on her face, and then finally she wrinkled her nose.

“You asked.” He grinned.

She looked away, and then looked back at him. “Yeah, you’re right. I did.” She laughed and shook her head. “That is so nasty and slutty on so many levels … and for all parties. I mean, what kind of person would willingly let a guy use her like that?”

“A girl that wants to get fucked by a rock star.”
He said it without missing a beat, and without hesitation. That was the world they lived in, as sad as that was. They stared at each other for a moment. “Tanner, if I had stayed in there and not brought you out to the patio there would have been a lot more thrust in my face than that pair of tits.”

She nodded but didn’t say anything for several seconds. When she finally did speak there was no disgust in her voice like he assumed there might be at knowing that.
“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s just … does it ever get old? Or maybe too much?” She turned and leaned her side on the banister. “I know you love the music, and it’s a part of you, but I don’t know if I could handle the drugs and random sex if the roles were reversed.”

He really didn’t need to think about her words, because he knew what she meant. This life wasn’t for everyone, and had ruined a lot of musicians. It had a way of sucking a person down, consuming them until there wasn’t anything left, and then they were nothing.
But he and Tanner were talking about him and not any of the other guys—Beats to be specific. Their rise to fame had been recorded by the news, television, and anyone willing to gossip, but when Beats had hit rock bottom no one had even known it had been that bad. His recovery hadn’t been publicized, they had made sure of that, but it had been one hard as fuck task to complete. He looked at Beats now, knew that he shouldn’t even be around this kind of shit, but ever since he got cleaned up two years ago he changed in a way that none of them could really describe. Even after Jacks and the other two guys sat down with him, asked him if he would prefer the parties to be held elsewhere, a place that wasn’t right up in his face, Beats had always said no. His reasoning was he wanted things to be the way they were, even if it was hard at times. Jacks couldn’t say he was happy at the time with that decision, and had even feared Beats would relapse, but it had been two years since their drummer had gone down that dark hole, and he had been clean ever since.

“I guess I am just kind of numb to it. At first it was great. The parties, the hot chicks throwing themselves at me and wiling to just give it up because I was in Savage Light…” When he g
lanced at her he saw she was watching him intently. “It was great, and I had this high all the time from the lifestyle.” He was going to bring up the fact he had done his fair share of drugs, had drunk enough alcohol that he could have supplied his own liquor store, and that he had slept with more women than he could even remember over the last five years. He wasn’t proud of any of that shit, especially not with Tanner right next to him, but like he said before, this lifestyle had a way of sucking a person down. They stayed quiet for several seconds, just watching the party again. A lot of shit was moving through his mind since she had brought up the lifestyle, because he couldn’t help but compare how he felt now, to what he was feeling before. He looked at Beats, saw him talking to Zoe with their faces close together, and wondered why the other guy had never seen Zoe as more than just a friend. She was gorgeous, funny, and they had been close forever. But Beats had his own demons that he had fought, and he had been clean for a longer time without relapsing, despite the shit that circulated around them constantly.

“I think it takes
a strong person to be a famous musician, or any other profession that puts you in the spotlight like this.” She turned and looked at him when he didn’t answer. “Everything okay?”

Jacks ran a hand over his jaw, felt the stubble
that was starting to come in, and breathed out. He didn’t think he could ignore all the thoughts in his head, or the questions that refused to stay buried. Now was just as good a time as any to bring this shit up he supposed. “Why did you haul ass out of town after we slept together?”

****

The music, the drugs and booze, all of it was thrust in his face like an evil temptation that wouldn’t let up its sadistic hold. If Beats was smart he would have turned away from all of this, hidden in a room until the devil and his toys were no longer in his face. He tipped back his beer, the only thing he allowed himself to drink that was alcohol related after all the shit he had willingly put himself through. He looked at Zoe, with her softness surrounding her, and the scent of something sweet filling his nose and drowning out all of the waste that filled the room. He shouldn’t be staring at her so blatantly, and if he was a better man he would have taken her away from the drugs, the tits and pussy that were on full display right in front of them, and told her all the things he should have said. But Beats had never told anyone how he felt for her, never wanted to risk breaking up the tightly knit bond they all had. There was a part of him that said acting platonic with Zoe, almost to the point that he could disregard the way she looked at him, talked to him, and clearly cared for him, was a totally fucked up thing to do. And then there was another part that said why should he hide the way he felt because he was afraid to rock the boat? But it wasn’t just about them all being best friends, but also that he was just as close to her older brother Lane as he was with Matty, Jacks, and Five.

He curled his free hand into a fist, and brought his beer up to his mouth wi
th his other one and finished off the beer. He would have set it on the table, but the pink haired chick was still getting coke snorted off of her pussy, and was getting her tits felt up by two different guys. He looked at Zoe again, saw how big her eyes were, and felt like the biggest fucking prick in the world.

“Come on.” He grabbed her hand and stood, pulling her up in the process, too.

“Where are we going?” Her long blonde hair was in a low, loose ponytail, and a few strands fell from the confines of the elastic holding it together.

Shit, he wanted to touch her hair, brush it away from her face and see if it was as soft as it looked. He should have won a fucking Academy Award for his acting skills in playing it off like she was one of the guys. He had never even told his band
-mates, and they knew every disgusting detail of his life and downfall. How would Zoe see him if she knew at one point in his life, not long ago in fact, he had been the slave to the chemical kind of comfort? He shook his head and gritted his teeth, but he didn’t stop moving through the crowd and right out of the room. He wanted to be alone with her, just to talk and catch up. This life was great, but he wanted to go back in time to a place where he wasn’t snorting coke, popping pills, and passing out on the bathroom floor of too many hotel bathrooms to count.

Chapter Four

Tanner’s heart was beating fast and hard, and she rolled what Jacks had just said in her head over and over again.
She had thought about the way she had left Brookstone not long after they had slept together, and how up until she had left she had kept her distance. There was no denying it was a shitty thing to do, but at the time it had felt like the right thing to do. Of course she had ben young and stupid, and even though five years wasn’t really a long time in the grand scheme of things, Tanner had grown and matured a lot. That night had been the most wonderful experience she had ever had, but once the euphoria had settled and reality crashed back into her, she had realized that what she had done was probably the biggest mistake of her life. A lot of fears had slammed into her, ones of a ruined friendship, the awkwardness and confrontation, and then the silence. They were all things that petrified her. She didn’t just love Jacks as a friend. She had been
in
love with him—still was, too.

She exhaled, knowing that this would eventually come up, but not thinking it would have been on the same night they reunited. “Leaving, at that time at least, just seemed like the right thing to do.”
They were quiet for several seconds, and she was actually afraid to look at him to see his expression.

“The right thing to do?” The way Jacks spoke was almost deadpan, like he
didn’t have any emotion left inside of him.

“Yeah.
” She licked her lips and glanced down at her feet. “I was a scared eighteen year old girl that had just let one of her best friends take her virginity. I worried about losing everything we had. Running might seem like the stupidest thing I have ever done when I think about it now, but, Jacks, in my mind at the time it seemed like the only thing that was smart.” She looked at him then.

He didn’t look upset, and in fact didn’t look like anything. He was just stoic, and she hated that most of all.

“You know, I loved you back then, Tanner.”

“I know, Jacks. I loved you, too. You were one of my best friends.”

He was shaking his head before she even finished.

“No, I loved you in the not best friend kind of way.” He held her gaze with his own for several long seconds. “I was so fucking in love with you
, and when we had sex it wasn’t because we had been drinking, or that it just was something to pass the time. I was not fucking you, but making love to you.”

Her heart started pounding fast and hard at his words.
She remembered the sex, the hard and rough thrusting, but also the soft kisses, the way he had stroked her lips with his tongue, and then licked every part of her body like he was trying to memorize her. He had been rough and brutal, consuming and intoxicating, but for Jacks and the guy he was, it had been perfect and right. She rubbed her eyes, wishing that this conversation hadn’t taken place at this wild ass party. As it was she could hear girls squealing, and when she looked up she could see that some guys were sucking and biting at the women’s nipples.

“I have wanted to have this conversation for a while,
Jacks. I just wish it wasn’t where some chick was getting coke sucked off of her crotch.” Before she knew what was happening he had her hand in his, was leading them back to the party, and right out the front doors. “Jacks, what are you doing?” She had managed to wave and shrug to Zoe, who was still sitting right beside Beats, but it had been fast and in passing.

“I want to have this conversation right now, and you want privacy…” He didn’t finish that sentence, but she knew what he was doing now.

Jacks led them down the ornate and rustic hallway to the last door at the other end of the building. Once the door to the room was opened he led her inside. The room was much smaller than the suite they had just left, but it still had that wild, all natural pine setting going on.

“I didn’t mean we had to haul ass out of there to talk.” And she hadn’t, and hoped it hadn’t come out that way. “That just wasn’t the setting I envisioned having this conversation at.”

He nodded, but looked tense. He walked over to the bar in the corner and poured himself a drink. “You want something?”

She shook her head.
She was already still feeling buzzed from the shots she’d had at Rosco’s and the beer she had all but guzzled down less than half an hour ago. There was no sense in beating around the bush, so she just started right in on the conversation they had started out on the balcony. “I should have called, should have reached out. But, Jacks, you were a freaking rock star pretty much right after we graduated. You got signed, moved out of Brookstone, and started touring and making records.”

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and kept his back toward her as he tipped back his glass and finished off his drink.

Finally, after what seemed like ages of silence, he said, “I should have called, too, Tanner.” He turned around and leaned against the bar. “I guess after my confusion and hurt had passed I grew really pissed at the fact you could just walk away from our friendship like that.” He shrugged, and looked at the ground. “I was really fucking hurt, Tanner. Did you really not know that I was totally in love with you?”

The emotion she felt inside of her at hearing him say that tugged at her heart.
He might have used past tense, but he had still said he had loved her. Their lives were so different now. She was living at home jobless, and he was this rocker touring the world. “I didn’t know, Jacks, because if I would have known how you felt for me I would have told you I felt the same way.” She felt like crying for all the shit that had happened, all the time that now separated them, and all the wasted moments they could have shared. “I guess we both screwed up in that regard.” Maybe she had been blind, or so wrapped up in her own feelings that she hadn’t noticed what had been right in front of her? It was easy to blame it on so many factors, especially when she was standing before him now. “I’m sorry, Jackson.” It had been ages since she had uttered his full name, but she’d be lying if she didn’t admit it felt really good. “If I could go back in time and change it all, not leave like I did, and just tell you that I was in love with you, too, Jacks, I would, in a heartbeat.”

He stared at her for a second,
but the uncomfortableness was still so strong. He pushed away from the bar and took a few steps toward her. “You left the way you did because you were too scared things would be different, and stayed away because of my success.” He didn’t phrase it like a question, and it was almost like he was saying those words to himself. In so many condensed words, yes, that was exactly right, and it seemed so frivolous now. “At first I didn’t reach out after it was all said and done because I was hurt and pissed, and thought immersing myself in this new life and my music would help me forget about you.” He took another step toward her, but shook his head, only a foot away from her now. “But then as time went on I realized that you don’t have a mean bone in your body, and that you were also probably scared. I mean we were best friends, Tanner, had known each other our whole lives. Regret and fear played hand-in-hand.” He smiled, hoping she understood what he was saying. “So much damn time passed, and so many missed opportunities over a few hours of stolen passion, Tanner.”

She nodded, not able to form words for how thick her tongue was, or for how tightly her throat was closing.
She could tell where things were going, could sense that the sexual chemistry they had was climbing higher and higher, and that soon she wouldn’t be able to control it. Doing anything sexual with Jacks after so much time had passed between them, and the fact that they had just reunited less than a couple of hours ago wasn’t the route she should be taking. But if she were being honest it was like no time had passed at all between them, and that what she felt for Jacks had never been buried. They stared at each other for several seconds, the heat and arousal bouncing between them, and intensifying until she was suffocating from it.

“Come here, Tanner.” His voice was low, hoarse, and there was a touch of dominance in
it. There had always been a part of Jacks that commanded people without having to do much more than give them a look. But right now all that she could focus on was the way his mouth moved as he said those three words.

She licked her lips and moved that last bit of space it took to almost have their chests brushing
together. It would have been easy enough for him to move toward her, but she knew this wasn’t about who could surrender the most, but how much they wanted each other. He reached out and cupped her waist with one hand, and covered one side of her face with the other. She felt the calluses from his many years of guitar playing on his fingers. He held her cheek in a tight, almost painful grip. It was like he was afraid she would turn and leave once again. She wasn’t, not in this lifetime. He brushed the pad of his thumb along her cheek. Back and forth, back and forth. All Jacks did was stare into her eyes. God, his eyes were so blue, so clear. Tanner felt herself leaning forward, felt his warm and sweet alcohol smelling breath brush along her lips.

But he didn’t kiss her, and instead moved the hand that held her face to the back of her head. He tunneled his fingers into her hair, tightened his hold on the strands until the pain mixed with her already climbing and repressed pleasure, and then broke free into this explosive tingling sensation along her entire body.

“You have no idea how much I have wanted you, how much I want you now.” His lips were so close to hers that if he just leaned forward that last couple of inches that separated them he’d kiss her. It had been too long, and she was so desperate for him. The music was so loud, and although she couldn’t hear the lyrics she felt the bass come through the many layers of the walls. It was the same fast and hard beat as her heart.

“No one ever compared to you
, Tanner.”

She closed her eyes and breathed out this stuttering gust of air. God, she had only been this wet one other time, and that was when she had given her virginity to Jacks in a drunken night filled with more than one orgasm. Her heart was thundering
, and she swore her wetness was soaking clean through her panties. He was so much bigger than her five-foot-three, nearly a whole foot taller, and his muscles were also so pronounced. She wanted to run her hands over the tattoos that covered his flesh, new ones that he had added to his body as memories of the life he had led.

“You’ve been working out.” She had no idea why she said that, but she supposed feeling his hardness pressed against her softness had the words just spilling out. She also felt something else very hard between them and pressing right into her belly. She remembered all too well how it felt to have that long, thick length inside of her.

“God, Tanner, I want you so bad.” His voice was so harsh.

She wanted to tell him that she wanted him, too, and that she just wanted to pretend that the years hadn’t passed by, but the words lodged in her throat.

“I need you, Tanner.
Christ
.” And then he had his mouth on hers and his tongue speared between her lips. She wasn’t kissing a rock star, or one of the most wanted men in the world. No, she was kissing Jacks, the boy she had always been in love with. He slid his hands down her shoulders, over her arms, and gripped her waist tightly. And then he was walking them backward until she felt the cold, hard wall greet her back. He hadn’t broken the kiss, and the deep rumbles that left him had her inner muscles clenching almost painfully. He opened his mouth wider and deepened the kiss, and then moved his hands to the edge of her shirt and started to slowly lift it up.

“Please, Tanner.
Please
tell me you want this, too.” He sounded pained as he murmured against her mouth, but also frantic with his need. He was grinding his erection into her belly, and a gasp left her as she let her head fall back against the wall.

Tanner didn’t answer, just placed her hands on his pecs and gently pushed him away. He took a stumbled step back, his head downcast and his eyes trained right on her. He was breathing so hard, like he had just
run a marathon. They weren’t teenagers anymore, and this wasn’t a drunken night for her to lose her virginity. She loved him, had always loved him, but having sex with him again after reuniting surely wasn’t the smartest move. How could she compete with what he had experienced in life? Jacks was this megastar, had had countless women—starlets, movie stars, and supermodels under him, screaming out his name as he fucked them, and having perfect bodies. She was chubby, and not in the good way. It was easy to say that didn’t matter to him, but how could she not think this stuff when it was right in front of her? Aside from the physical part they hadn’t really talked, and jumping into sex seemed like glossing things over. God, why was she worrying this stuff when Jacks Lorde was right in front of her, clearly wanting her and what they had shared years ago?

For several seconds they stood there, just staring at each other. He looked the same, yet he didn’t. Tanner licked her lips and knew she didn’t want to postpone this,
but at the same time she wanted to go slow. But even though she knew this might be another bad idea, it was something she wasn’t going to stop, no couldn’t, not when she couldn’t breathe and her body felt like it was on fire.

“I want you, Tanner
,” he gritted out. “I want this.”

They stood there several more seconds, neither speaking, but the sexual chemistry and electricity bounced between them.
“I want you, too,” she breathed out almost so softly she wasn’t even sure he had heard her. In one fluid motion she pulled her shirt up and over her head. Jacks moved his gaze up and down her body, but she didn’t feel embarrassed that she was bigger than she had been five years before. Yes, she was curvier, but she wasn’t a child anymore. She knew she was thicker, but she told herself this was a woman’s body—her body—and she needed to embrace everything that Jacks was offering to give her. Who knew if this opportunity to be with him again would ever happen after this night?