Bad For Me (14 page)

Chapter 24

The Mossbry Clinic was an impressive building, which was almost impossible to see from the main road. Located behind a high wall, the grounds of the clinic were beautifully maintained. The driveway was narrow—only wide enough for a single vehicle. The journey over had been made in almost silence. I'd wanted to ask JJ what he'd been doing in town, but I didn't know how to raise the subject.

“Are you okay?” he asked as we pulled into the clinic's car park.

“Yeah. Just a little nervous.”

“Come on. It will be okay.”

He took my hand, and led me to the main entrance. I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't this. Inside, it was more like the reception of a five star hotel than a clinic.  We weren't allowed to see Billy straight away. First, we had to meet with Dr Westgrove, a middle-aged man with a slight limp.

“The good news is that your brother has indicated he wishes to pursue a course of treatment.”

“Great.” I hadn't been sure Billy would play ball. I'd half expected him to bail on the first day.

“So far, so good. He has a long road in front of him. We have to hope he can see it through.”

“How long will it take?”

“It's impossible to say. Everyone is different. Usually between one and three months.”

“Three months?”

“Sometimes longer.”

“If he sticks it out—will he be cured?”

“There is no cure for alcoholism. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Our job is to help Billy to choose not to drink.”

“What percentage of people, who complete the treatment, stay off drink?”

“Of those we treat, approximately forty-five per cent.”

“Less than half?”

“That's right. It doesn't sound good, but our numbers are far better than the industry average.”

“Is there anything I can do to make sure Billy is one of the forty five per cent?”

“You can support and encourage, but ultimately it's up to your brother.”

Billy was in a beautifully furnished private room. His face lit up when he saw me. The sense of relief was overwhelming—I hadn't been sure what kind of reception I'd get.

“Look at this place, Megs. It's like a five star hotel.”

After our meeting with Dr Westgrove, I'd asked JJ to wait for me in reception. I wanted to see Billy alone.

“Are you okay?” I said.

“I'd kill for a drink.”

My heart sank.

“I'm only kidding.”

“You have to see this through, Billy. It's your only chance.”

“I know.”

“You have to promise me. I couldn't bear to lose you too.”

“I promise. I'll give it my best shot. Anyway, who's paying for all of this?”

“The NHS.”

“Bollocks. The NHS doesn't pay for this type of treatment.”

“Don't you worry about that. Just make sure you see it through.”

“You aren't selling your body are you, Megan?”

JJ jumped out of his seat as soon as I walked back into reception.

“How is he?”

“Better than I expected. He seems determined to see it through. Thanks for doing this for him.”

“It's nothing. Come on, let's get back.”

JJ asked me to go back to his place, but I made some excuse about being mentally exhausted after seeing Billy. I felt bad about lying, but I had to find out what was going on. Why was it that everyone who knew about me and JJ seemed to be so down on the idea? First Janet and then Caroline. Julie was the only person who had seemed genuinely happy for us. I had to speak to Janet again, but she wasn't taking my calls. There was only one thing left for me to do.

Chapter 25

I'd told Julie that I had to go back to work for a couple of hours, but I'd warned her not to tell JJ if he phoned. I'd said I didn't want JJ to worry I was overdoing things at DraxSoft. It was all bullshit of course, but luckily for me, Julie was incredibly trusting.

I rang the doorbell. I could see a light on inside, but I couldn't hear anyone. After a few moments, I saw a shape through the frosted glass panel at the side of the door. I was nervous as hell; I hadn't worked out what I was going to say.

“Megan? How did you know where I lived?” Janet asked.

“I found your address in Julie's address book. Can I come in?”

“I was just about to go out.”

She was clearly lying. She was dressed in her slobs, and hadn't done her makeup. I knew enough about Janet to know she wasn't the kind of person to let the world see her looking like that.

“This will only take a few minutes.”

She stepped aside and ushered me through to the living room. It wasn't what I'd expected. I assumed Janet—the solicitor—would have the perfect apartment: spotless with everything in its place. It turned out that untidiness ran in the family. Her living room looked like a war zone.

“Sorry about the mess.”

“It's okay. I'm used to it.”

“What do you want?”

“I think you already know.”

She shook her head.

“Come on Janet. Why did you say I would be bad for JJ?”

“Didn't you go to the cafe?”

“Yes. I saw him kiss a woman, but they were obviously no more than friends.”

“Did you see where he'd been?”

“In a church hall. So what?”

“He'd been at his AA meeting.”

I felt sick and light-headed. I sat on the sofa—if I hadn't, I would have collapsed. I could see Janet's lips moving, but I didn't hear what she was saying. My body had closed down. My hands were clenched together—shaking.

“Megan? Are you all right?”

“Yes.” I wasn't.

“Did you hear what I said?”

I nodded.

“I'm sorry, but you had to know.”

“AA?”

“JJ went through a bad time a while back. His business was in serious trouble. He managed to keep it afloat, but it put a tremendous strain on him. He started to drink—heavily. It was really bad—I thought I was going to lose him a couple of times.”

“Julie never said... ”

“Julie doesn't know. We both thought it was better that she didn't. JJ didn't see her for ages. I told her he was too busy with the business. He went to a clinic... ”

“Mossbry.”

“That's right. He came through it, and has got his life back together. He goes to regular AA meetings to make sure he doesn't slide.”

“That's why you said I'd be bad for him?”

Janet nodded.

“I'm sorry, Megan. Julie told me about your mother and brother. I couldn't risk it.”

“I don't drink!”

“It’s in your genes.”

I had no idea how to respond to that. Was it possible that she was right? I'd never wanted to drink—I’d seen what it had done to Mum.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to worry,” I said.

“What are you going to do?”

“End it. You’re right. We can’t be together.”

There was no more to say, so I left. Janet was right—I couldn’t be with JJ, but not for the reason she'd suggested. I wasn’t bad for JJ. He was bad for me. I'd seen my mother kill herself with drink. I'd seen Billy do almost the same thing. The last thing I needed was another alcoholic in my life.

“Are you okay, Megan? You look like shit.” Julie was doing her nails when I arrived back at the flat.

“I'm just tired. Did JJ phone?”

“No. Are you planning on moving in with him? I just wondered if I should be looking for a new flatmate.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I'm fine. I’m off to bed—I’m beat.”

********************

I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. It felt as though I was cursed. Wasn't it enough that my family had been destroyed by drink? JJ was the only man I'd truly cared for—the only man I'd come to trust. I'd been ready to give myself to him completely; I almost had. Now, it had all been destroyed. JJ was an alcoholic. Even worse, he'd hidden it from me. I could never trust him again. I could never be with an alcoholic.

I'm not sure when, but eventually I drifted off to sleep. The next morning I still felt exhausted. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to face anyone. I wanted to run away, but I'd done that once, and it hadn't achieved anything. This time, I would stay. I knew what I had to do.

“Morning, Megan,” Caroline said. “I thought you would've got a lift in with JJ this morning.”

“I took the bus.”

“About what I said yesterday... ”

“Sorry, Caroline. I have to see JJ.”

I daren't linger. I'd worked myself up to this, and knew that if I didn't do it right away, I might lose the courage.

“Hi!” JJ smiled.

This wasn't going to be easy.

“Why didn't you tell me about AA?”

His smile disappeared.

“I... ”

“How could you not tell me, JJ? You knew about my mum.”

“Sit down, Megan.”

“I'm not staying.”

“Please sit down.”

“Well?”

“I didn't want to lose you.”

“So you lied?”

His eyes were downcast—staring at the desk. “I thought if I told you before you got to know me that you wouldn't give me a chance.”

“Before you got me into bed you mean.”

“It was never about that.” He was angry now. “You know it was never about that. I knew about your mum and Billy. I knew the last thing you wanted in your life was more drink problems.”

“But that's exactly what you have JJ. A drink problem.”

“Not now. That's over... ”

“It's never over. My mum thought it was over—thought that she’d beaten it—a hundred times. You can't beat it.”

“I can! I have!”

“I can't take that risk.” I stood up.

“Wait. We have to talk about this.”

“I'm sorry, JJ. There's nothing to talk about. It's over.”

“Megan? Megan, are you okay?” I heard Caroline shout after me. She must have seen the tears in my eyes as I rushed through the office.