Bad For Me (16 page)

“I don't know. I don't even know how to find her.”

“But you want to?”

“Yes.”

“You said her mother had been an alcoholic.”

“Yes. That's why I hadn't told her about my... ”

“Did she find out? Is that why she left?”

“No, it wasn't that.”

“I don't know if she'll come back JJ, but if she does, how will you feel if she finds you drunk?”

I shook my head.

“You have to focus all of your energy on finding her. Don't give yourself time to think about anything else. And, if you feel yourself slipping, give me a call—any time—night or day.”

“I will. Thanks.”

It had taken months to find Megan, and even then it had been pure luck that we did. Once she'd come back home, I'd been determined not to blow it again. I'd eased off, and taken things really slowly. I hadn't wanted to run the risk of pushing her away again.

After my car accident, Megan had said she had feelings for me. It had been like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one. Then, just when it seemed that we might get together, she found out about my past—about the drinking.

Chapter 27

  My phone rang.

“Julie? Hold on. Slow down. I know. I'm sorry. No, that's not a good idea. Julie?”

My shit day was just about to get even worse. Julie was on her way over to my apartment.

“How could you not tell me?” Julie screamed, as soon as she walked through the door.

I'd never seen her so angry.

“I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you.”

“I'm not a kid, JJ. Did Janet know?”

“She was the one who made me go to the clinic.”

“Great! So everyone knew apart from stupid Julie.”

“I was wrong. We were wrong. We should have told you.”

“Yes you should've.”

“Can you forgive your big brother?”

I saw the faintest of smiles creep across her face.

“Of course I can. I can't stay angry with you.”

“Hug?”

She fell into my arms, and I hugged her tight.

“I think I've screwed things up between me and Megan,” I said.

“Big time. She was in a right state when I left.”

“Angry?”

“Sad, angry—I couldn't tell.”

“You should have stayed with her.”

“It wouldn't have done any good. After I'd managed to drag the truth out of her, she shut herself away in her bedroom, and wouldn't come out.”

“Do you think she'll talk to me if I go over?”

“You're the last person she wants to see. What did you expect after what happened with her mother and now with Billy? It might not have been so bad if you'd told her yourself instead of letting her find out.”

The doorbell rang.

“Are you okay, JJ?” Janet said.

As soon as I saw the expression on Janet's face, I knew.

“You told Megan didn't you?” I said.

“I had to.”

“Why?” Julie chimed in. “Why would you do that?”

“Someone has to look out for you, JJ. You obviously aren't capable of doing it yourself. Why would you even think about hooking up with someone like that?”

“Someone like that?” Julie snapped. “What's wrong with Megan?”

“It's her family. Have you both forgotten that her mother died from drink? And her brother... ”

“They aren't Megan,” I said.

“They have the same genes. You can't be around her, JJ. She's bad for you.”

I couldn't help myself. I began to laugh—louder and louder until I had tears in my eyes.

“What the hell is so funny?” Janet didn't try to conceal her anger.

“That's brilliant.” I tried to gather myself. “You don't want me to be with Megan because she's bad for me. Megan doesn't want me to be with her because I'm bad for her.”

“It's for the best,” Janet said.

“No it's not. This isn't for the best—this is shit. Meeting Megan was the best thing to happen to me in years—probably ever. She isn't bad for me—she's good for me. I don't think about drinking when I'm with her.”

“You should let her go,” Janet said.

“Never. I'm not giving up on us without a fight.”

Part 3 - Megan

Chapter 28

I was in my bedroom. Julie hadn't said where she was going, but I had a pretty good idea. Maybe I should turn to drink. Why not? Everyone else in my life had. Maybe if I was drunk, I would forget how shit my life was. It had seemed to work for Mum. I couldn't stay at DraxSoft—not after I'd finished with JJ. What was I going to do for money? I'd given up my job at the coffee shop when I'd joined DraxSoft. I was well and truly fucked.

I heard the outer door—probably Julie. I'd been horrible to her earlier. She'd said she didn't know anything about JJ's drinking. From the look on her face, I'm sure she'd been telling the truth. That hadn't stopped me laying into her for no particular reason. I made my way out of the bedroom with the intention of apologising, but it wasn't Julie I'd heard.

“Why are you here?”

“We have to talk,” JJ said.

“No, we don't. There's nothing more to say. How did you get in?”

“Julie gave me her keys.”

“You might be able to sweet-talk your sister, but it isn't going to work with me.”

Won't you at least let me try to explain?”

“There's nothing to explain. You're a drunk. I don't need any more drunks in my life.”

I had to force myself to ignore the hurt in his eyes. I had to get him out of the flat.

“Don't I get a second chance?”

“To do what? Lie to me again? Let me down? Leave me?”

“I would never let you down.”

“You already have.”

“What about Billy?”

“What's he got to do with anything?”

“You're prepared to give him a second chance.”

“Billy is my brother. He's family. You are... ”

I hesitated.

“What?” What am I?”

“You are nothing to me. Nothing at all.”

He lowered his gaze. He was staring at the floor. For the longest moment, he didn't speak. When he finally looked up again, I could see the hurt etched in his face.

“What about Billy's treatment?” he said.

“What about it?”

“Can you afford to pay for it?”

“You know I can't.”

“I'll continue to pay for it on two conditions”

“I don't want anything from you.”

“What about Billy? What do you think will happen to him if they discharge him now?”

“I don't know.”

“He'll be drunk within a week, and probably dead within a year. Do you want that on your conscience?”

“That isn't fair.”

“Life's not fair, Megan. I'm offering you a chance to save your brother.”

“What are the conditions?”

“I accompany you every time you go to Mossbry.”

“I don't want to be around you.”

“How else are you going to get there?”

“I'll take a bus.”

“There are no buses which would get you there.”

“Taxi.”

“If you don't allow me to take you—Billy won't be at Mossbry.”

“So you're blackmailing me?”

“If that's what you want to call it.”

“What's the second condition?”

“You continue to work at DraxSoft.”

“How can I?”

“Why can't you? There's still a job for you to do. You're a good worker.”

I wanted to tell him where he could stick his two conditions, but I'd already let Billy down once when I ran away. I owed it to him to make sure he received the treatment he needed. As soon as Billy was discharged, I could leave DraxSoft.

“Okay. But I have a condition too.”

“Shoot.”

“I don't want to see you for one moment longer than I absolutely have to. No coming around to the flat.”

“What about Julie?”

“She will have to go to your place or you can come around when I'm not in.”

“Okay. I'll pick you up later then.”

“Right.”

I watched JJ leave.

********************

“Are you okay?” Julie asked.

“I guess so.” I wasn't.

“Don't be too hard on JJ.”

“Don't try to defend him, Julie. I don't want to fall out with you, but I will if you try to justify what he did.”

“He really does love you.”

“How can he? It doesn't matter anyway—I can't be around him.”

“What did he say when he came around?”

“He is blackmailing me into staying at DraxSoft.”

“Blackmailing?”

“He said he'd continue to pay for Billy's treatment if I carry on working there, and allow him to take me to the clinic. He's picking me up later.”

“I can't believe JJ would do that just out of spite. He isn't that vindictive. Maybe he's hoping you might get back together.”

“He's out of luck then. It's never going to happen.”

“What about when Billy comes out of treatment? You won't run away again will you?”

I shrugged. I desperately wanted to get away, but I didn't want to desert Billy again. I was trapped.