After I finished dressing, I grabbed an extra pair of gym shorts to cover up any marks and stuffed them into my bag. Typically, I didn’t wear shorts unless it was that time of the month for me, though many gymnasts opted to.
I checked the clock and realized I was running behind. Coach was going to kill me. I grabbed a granola bar, approved by my lovely mother of course, and my schoolbooks before dashing out of my condo. It was Monday, which meant I had tutoring, lunch, and then more training later. Plus, therapy on my calf.
Luckily, World Cup was only about ten minutes away. I walked into the gym at five thirty, and all three coaches were already yelling.
It was going to be a long day.
Nearly four hours later, and practice hadn’t been easy. Straight up—my vagina hurt. Any kind of split jump on the beam felt like I was ripping in two, and it wasn’t like I could choose not to do them, I had to. Not to mention, I was mentally and physically exhausted—it was all the effort I could muster to keep my eyes open, let alone also have to do my routines.
Today, I realized just how many skills I had with my legs spread wide open.
Then came the Tsavdaridou, a round-off back handspring with a full twist to swing down. Those hadn’t been pleasant either. As a matter of fact, nothing had been pleasant this morning. The skills terrified me today, and they never had before, but knowing I was going to come down with my legs opened and land with the beam braced between them, I hated it.
For once in my life, I wanted to perfect my turns so I wouldn’t aggravate my Achilles.
I’d been extra careful to make sure I didn’t straddle the beam as much as I could. I fell a few times, but I was able to catch myself. Dear God, I don’t know if I could’ve handled that splitting pain too. Luckily, beam had passed quickly and now I was on vault.
The urge to pee hit like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t gone since this morning because of the stinging pain and feared it would happen again, but now I couldn’t hold it any longer. I had to go. If I did one more turn on vault, I was going to burst. And peeing on the vault was not a good look.
I wondered if I could slap some Vaseline on the tears. I figured it would help with peeing and my jumps, but then I also wondered what if I got Vaseline inside. I shuddered at the thought. Never mind. I couldn’t take the chance. I’d just have to deal.
To top off my lovely morning, Kova hadn’t looked my way once. Madeline had worked with me the entire time and it seemed like no matter where I was in the gym, he was on the opposite side of me. Almost as if he was intentionally keeping us as far apart as possible. Maybe he’d gone through and implemented Madeline as my coach now and not him. I prayed he didn’t.
I knew I needed to stay focused on my training, but I couldn’t help wonder what he was thinking about, if he was thinking about the night before at all. It was almost as if I wasn’t even there. I hated the feeling, like I was invisible and I didn’t matter.
I sighed inwardly.
Stepping into the bathroom, I locked the door and stripped out of my leo. This was the one part of gymnastics I detested—being sweaty and having to remove the one piece. It was like peeling off soaking wet, skinny jeans.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and prayed I could pee without it hurting. I bared down, tightened my insides and only let a trickle out…and paused. Releasing an audible sigh, I let go again only to feel the burning sensation come back full force. My hand slammed against the wall and I leaned against it for support. But I didn’t let it all out. It just wasn’t achievable. The urine burned the shit out of me!
That was it, all I could manage. I carefully wiped, pulled up my leo and washed my hands. I had one more hour until I broke for lunch and tutoring, then it was back to training for four more hours. After therapy when I got home, I’d soak in the bath.
I had this. I just needed to give myself a pep talk first.
Walking back into the gym, I immediately scanned for Kova. It was more out of habit and addiction than a conscious thought. I craved his glaring eyes and fierce words. They drove me to be better, stronger. To prove myself.
When we finally locked eyes, he didn’t break my gaze. His posture was strict, his arms firmly crossed against his taut chest. I walked blindly, unable to focus on my surroundings. He tried to tell me something with his eyes, but I wasn’t sure what. All I knew was he was staring like he couldn’t stand the sight of me and it hurt.
“Watch out!”
I flinched and put my hands up, ducking.
“Jesus, Big Red. We all know Coach Kova is hot, but pay attention. Don’t make it so obvious you’re gawking at him. God…”
I closed my eyes and counted to five. Reagan and her stupid redhead comments. I would’ve corrected her, but I wasn’t in the mood. I nearly walked into her dismount, which could’ve seriously hurt both of us. But she was right, I needed to pay attention.
I didn’t apologize, I just ignored her and headed back to vault while she continued on beam.
“You okay?” Hayden asked, concerned. His observant eyes made me edgy.
Or maybe I was just being paranoid.
Nodding, I smiled sweetly and put on a happy face. “Yeah, I’m just exhausted.”
Grabbing some chalk for the vault, I rubbed some on my feet, adding a little to my thighs when Hayden walked away. I clapped my hands to remove the excess powder and could taste it in my mouth.
I moved to stand behind the white line and took a deep breath when Kova turned to look at me. He nodded his head, gesturing for me to go. Madeline clapped her hands and yelled, “Get moving, Adrianna. I don’t have all day!”
Rising up on my tiptoes, I leaned forward and took off running. I pumped my legs as fast as I could and only focused on the vault. My calf hurt just a bit, but I blocked it out. Everything else faded away and I forgot all the issues in my life as I zoomed in on the apparatus and felt the adrenaline hit me hard.
God, I loved this feeling. My racing heart, burning muscles. The anticipation.
Zoning in on only the springboard, I did a round-off onto it and arched into a back handspring. I popped my shoulders off the vault into a two and a half twist to complete an Amanar. I took a few steps back on my landing and fell.
Fuck my life.
Adding the half twist created a blind landing, so there was no spotting the floor. I had to wish on a prayer I would land it correctly. I could practice it a million and one times, land it at every practice, but it only took a split second where I didn’t crank high enough, or my legs were bent, my chest was too low, anything to not land it at competition.
In gymnastics, anything was possible. And considering I was working on the hardest vault for women, that should say something.
Standing up, I heard Madeline sigh loudly. “I’m trying, I really am,” I broke in before she could say anything.
She looked at me with pity. “I know you are. Let’s do it again.”
“Adrianna. Keep your legs straight in the flight, chest up,” Kova chimed in, looking at me intently.
“He’s right,” Madeline acknowledged. “Your legs are sloppy and bent. I noticed your feet were crossed too, which is a big no, Adrianna. Try and set your twist just a tad higher. You need something that will give you points and move you up in the standings, not set you back.”
I nodded.
“Is your calf bothering you?” she asked with concern.
“No.” I could’ve lied and said yes, which would be the reason for my shitty landing, but I didn’t.
Nothing was worse than being told you couldn’t do something after trying so hard to achieve it. Swallowing back my frustration, I stared at the vault and pictured my landing perfectly. I could do this, I told myself. I’d done it before, I just needed to visualize it and be confident in my abilities.
“You got this, Aid,” Hayden whispered, tightening his wrist brace with a nod. I smiled at him, my face softening.
Another deep breath, and I took off. Round-off, back handspring onto the vault, popped off and I reached to twist. I mentally noted my legs and straightened them, but it was too late at that point. I opened my arms to balance my landing, but I already knew I was leaning too far back and my hips were too low. It was a feeling inside that was unexplainable, but I knew my body and knew I wasn’t going to stick it.
Trying to save it was pointless. I was literally in a seated position and hit the floor just like that, stumbling backwards and falling on the blue mat. Tears welled in my eyes as pain suddenly throbbed viciously through my back. Massaging my side, I felt like crying from being so frustrated and not hitting my marks. Self-doubt was beating me up today and I began to wonder if I was pushing too far.
Madeline sighed. “Go to tutoring and I’ll see you later.”
“Can I try one more time?”
Madeline nodded, then grabbed a mat to stand on. It was the shape of a box and high, leveled with the vault so she could spot me.
Dear God, please let me land this.
Swallowing, I began running, my feet pounded into the ground. I moved into the entry, and then sprang off the vault. Madeline’s hands helped pop the back of my shoulders, lifting me higher in the air to help me set my element. I started rotating, cranking the twist as hard as I could muster to land properly. And by some miracle, I landed—only for another shot of pain to soar through my back, but I sucked it up. Albeit I landed sloppy, my feet hit the floor, not my butt, and that was all that mattered right now. A loud sigh burst from my lips and I closed my eyes in satisfaction, hiding my back pain.
“Again,” Madeline said.
I did it again with her help and landed. Yes! Land was a word I used lightly, but the fact that I was standing upright was what motivated me and gave me that little push to keep going.
After three more tries, she pulled the mat away for me to do it on my own. Nerves wracked me hard and I was suddenly worried I wouldn’t hit it again. It was an irrational fear that coursed through me, I knew it, but it came with the territory. My heart split between being in my throat and stomach. All eyes were on me. Fear and nerves were part of a gymnast’s genetic makeup.
But so was winning.
I had this…I got this…visualize…
Adrenaline pumped through my veins fast as I ran toward the leather apparatus, but apprehension and nerves dominated when I hit the spring board. Fire shot through my back and I panicked in the middle of my rotation and only pulled a full. It was a clean landing, but Madeline glared at me.
Shit.
“You,” she said between clenched teeth, and pointed at me, “get your butt back over there and do the Amanar. Now.”
My stomach dropped. All I could do was nod and start walking. I didn’t have much of a choice.
The urge to pee never really went away, and a wave of pain hit my screaming bladder. It was only ten in the morning, yet this day was going to shit fast. Very little sleep, a burning vagina, and now a raging coach.
And I only had myself to blame.
I did the vault once more and added the stupid twist, but without her push, I barely landed on the tips of my toes. My stomach clenched tight and I gave up and jumped to the side, my calf burning slightly.
Before I could speak, Madeline pointed toward the exit and said, “Go. Come back after tutoring. Maybe you’ll be better after you’ve had a break.”
“Can I try it once more?”
“No,” she heaved a sigh. “Come back later and we’ll work on it again.”
My shoulders dropped in defeat. Turning around, I stared at the ground to avoid the gawking stares while I made my way to the locker room. I was beyond embarrassed with my workout and didn’t want to see the judgmental look in my peers’ eyes.
“Hey Aid,” Hayden called out across the gym. I slowly raised my eyes, afraid to be greeted with a look of pity. Surprisingly, I saw encouragement in his eyes as he jogged over to me.
“Give me twenty and I’ll be done. We’ll ride to tutoring together.”
I smiled kindly. After the shit storm morning I had, Hayden’s bulldoze through life mentality was exactly what I needed.
Opening my locker, I pulled out my duffle bag and dropped it to the floor, shuffling around for my clothes. I was so upset with myself and wanted to cry. I was better than this, and I let things get in the way of training. I needed to be stronger and overcome my fears, but it was easier said than done. I was training in a sport that could literally paralyze me in one split second by not getting enough air in rotation or landing wrong. And I wasn’t at one hundred percent because of my leg. My landings were shit today. If my timing wasn’t absolutely perfect, the repercussions could be devastating. There was a reason gymnastics was considered one of the most dangerous sports. It was a risk to take, but my heart was all in. Even with days when I was at my worst, I would never give up.
Changing out of my leotard, I noticed little droplets of blood. Shit. It was a good thing I carried extra leos with me. I dressed quickly then shoved my bag back into the locker and slammed it shut as hard as I could muster. I should’ve done some stretching to cool my muscles, but I didn’t even care to.
Walking into one of the physical therapy rooms, I laid on the blue, plastic table and waited for Hayden. I looked forward to hanging out with him. Throwing an arm over my face, I closed my eyes, thinking about my vault.