Casting to a handstand, I did a series of handstands to warm up and then began adding in connections. I had no pain in my calf yet, though everything I was doing was very light. My body flew seamlessly through the air from one bar to the other. I loved bars. I loved the feeling of shutting out the world and letting go, only relying on myself to catch the bar. It was an adrenaline rush, one I chased often with this sport. When I felt my arms and shoulders tightening, I slowed down to rest on the high bar by angling my hips against it and leaning forward. Up next were pirouettes and a light dismount, where I would start all over and do it again until I felt ready to move on from there.
After I tightened the Velcro on my wrists, I exhaled when my hands gripped the bar and visualized my next move. Awareness kicked through me. My back prickled with heat and I knew without a shadow of a doubt who was glaring at me from behind.
I looked over my shoulders.
Kova
.
He was staring at me furiously, like he wanted to strangle me. The blood drained from my face, my weight slowly descending further on to the bar as trepidation flooded my veins. Kova glared from the sideline, his impenetrable gaze knocking the air from lungs. He’d heard everything, the entire conversation with Reagan.
I was cold to the bone. Numb.
“Sarah and Holly were there when you said you were a virgin, so they’re my witnesses.” I cringed at her words. “I’ll get down to it.” Then she chalked up, lost in her thoughts again as she mounted the set of uneven bars to the left, clearly unaware of Kova standing on the other side of me.
I didn’t process what Reagan said. I couldn’t. All I could focus on were the veins in Kova’s forearms and the tick working in his jaw. His nose flared and I was sure I’d see smoke coming from his ears any minute.
I felt sick.
Nauseous.
He now knew I had been a virgin.
My heart raced so fast from his seething glare, it drummed in my ears. He heard everything.
Everything.
And he was pissed. I can’t imagine how I didn’t see him standing there.
No, he was fucking fuming and looking at me with repulsion, and I detested it. His hands were fisted tightly at his sides, knowing he couldn’t comment. So he just stood there, scowling, slicing me open with his loathing glare. The disgust on his face made my stomach churn. After everything we shared between us, the conversations and intimacy, I didn’t want him to look that way toward me.
I needed to break the eye contact, so I fell forward and hung on the bar, pretending to fix my grips like they needed to be tighter. I clapped my hands to dust some of the chalk off. Anything I could think of to avoid seeing him when I looked up. My heart was racing so fast it hurt. I needed to get off this apparatus immediately. I needed to get out of here. I had too much on my mind to focus on what he heard, and how I was going to fix this.
No, I needed to tune out bitchy Reagan and pissy Kova and focus on gymnastics. That’s what I needed to do.
Shit. Now my legs were quivering. Trying to ignore everything that just ruined my life in a matter of two minutes, I pulled up and continued with my warm up. I finished with a simple back tuck dismount. My mind was all over the place, my stomach was nauseous and I felt sick to the core. I quickly chalked up and tried to get back up on bars. Just before doing a kip, I paused with my hands wrapped around the bar. I couldn’t do it. My gut told me not to take the risk. My hands trembled, my heart in my throat. I was off balance. Being around, and training with Kova, was fucking with my head.
Stepping back, my arms dropped lifelessly to my sides. I looked up and spotted Kova across the gym working with a gymnast on the floor. But he was still fiercely staring me down. His incredible eyes saying everything I needed to know.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What the fuck did I do?
“Reagan, leave her alone.”
My head snapped at the sound of Hayden’s voice. Jesus. I wish he’d been here a few minutes earlier. The inquisitive look in his eyes said he knew there was more to the story than just Reagan being an asshole like she normally was, but luckily he brushed it off. I didn’t know when he got here or how much he heard.
Reagan jutted her hip out. “Why? Are you two a thing? Because you know that’s not allowed.”
“I’m well aware of the rules, Rea. So is Aid. I’m asking you to back down and retract your claws. We’re friends—nothing more.”
“Aid?”
Hayden uncapped his water bottle and sipped it, never breaking eye contact with her. Replacing the cap, he said, “Yeah—Aid, just like when I call you Rea. It’s a nickname, that’s what friends do.”
Hayden walked away, and I walked in the opposite direction. I couldn’t breathe. I needed air. I needed
something.
I was starting to panic and I didn’t know how to calm down because I had no one I could talk to. My nerves were lighting up and shaking me to the core. I began ripping my grips off as I exited to the lobby, the whole time I could feel my coach’s eyes burning a hole into the side of my face. I didn’t look though, because I already knew what they’d say.
Deceit.
Lies.
Trickery.
Loathing.
God, but it was so good. Amazing. And even though I omitted that fact, I still wanted him to want me. I still wanted him to desire me. I’d do it all over again if given the chance. Just thinking about it had my body warming and my heart pounding for all the right reasons. I may have been a virgin, but I knew no one would ever compare to him or the way his body felt against mine, or the pleasure he brought me. There was more to us than just sex and gymnastics, and we both were aware of it.
Shaking it off, I stepped into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I couldn’t go home, so I’d just have to act like nothing was wrong, and talk to Kova after practice when everyone left and we were alone.
Two hours later, I was fucking up my routine left and right. I may have appeared to have nothing on my mind and only having a bad workout, but that was because I was taught to. However, if anyone climbed inside my head, they’d see what a hot jumbled mess I was. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t swing neatly. My legs kept coming apart. I stumbled, my feet scraping the ground, and I couldn’t land a clean dismount. I was all over the place. It was horrible. People had to see how terribly I was performing. I’m sure Reagan took note.
I wasn’t even doing my release moves in fear of messing up and not catching the bar. Or worse, freaking out in mid-air and land on the bar with my hip. I stuck to basic bars and did easy skills, a few simple releases. Truthfully, I had no choice if I wanted to preserve what little sanity I had left.
Reagan and her friends whispered under their breath the whole time. I brushed it off, not caring what they thought. I already had an injury, I didn’t need to add to it, so I played it safe for the day. And it didn’t help that any time I glanced over my shoulder, I saw Kova looking at me. Not only was I performing like shit, he was watching me with his beautiful arms tightly crossed in front of his chest, critiquing my every move. He stared so keenly I decided to make an effort to avoid looking in his direction.
Only one more release before I did a copout dismount and would rotate to my last event for the day. I needed to be done with bars, done with practice so I could talk to Kova.
One Giant into a blind change, another Giant to gain momentum, I took a deep breath and released the bar to move into a Jaeger.
Only to fucking miss it.
I panicked, my heart sunk in mid-air, slamming to the ground before I did. A move so simple I’d been doing for years, and because my mind was in a million different places, I messed up royally. I either tapped too early or released too early…or I ducked my head…or I wasn’t fully extended. It could be a number of things, and I had no idea which since my mind and body were not in sync with each other.
Falling face down on my stomach, I kept my arms out and in front of me so I wouldn’t break any bones on the way down. The dumbest thing a gymnast can do is try to break their fall.
Hello broken bones and goodbye gymnastics career!
At least I had a little common sense left.
A gush of air burst from my lungs as I flopped to the thickly padded blue mat and bounced, chalk flying up around my face. My chest rose and fell heavily as I kissed the mat. My mind ran a million miles a minute trying to figure out how the hell I messed up so badly. While it was a common fall in practice, I was both embarrassed and shocked, and I didn’t want to face all the gawking stares I knew I was getting.
Taking a deep breath, I exhaled and opened my eyes only to see Kova hovering above me. He reached down with an opened palm to help me and I grabbed it, not thinking twice.
“Girls,” he said, looking directly at me, “rotate to the next event. I will be there in a bit.”
A low snicker came from Reagan as she walked past us. I was seriously beginning to fucking hate the air she breathed.
“Get back up on the bar now.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My heart raced, fear exploding through my veins over falling again. To fall so badly and then to get back up and do it again wasn’t easy. Fear was suffocating me.
“I…I think I need a break,” I stammered.
Coach ignored me as he dragged over a tall, solid mat for him to stand on. A spotting block. He dropped it near the metal post and climbed up, looking at me expectantly and waiting.
“Did I give you a choice? You just screwed up on a simple release move. In fact, I have been watching you screw up all afternoon, Adrianna. You are a sloppy mess and it is embarrassing. I guess we are going to have to take it back to basics since you cannot hit simple skills a twelve year old can master. So get up there now and do it again.”
Shaking my head subtly, I slapped some chalk on to my grips and stood in front of the bars. Doing a kip to mount the low bar, I let go and jumped to the high bar.
“Cast to a handstand. Blind change. Jaeger.”
I nodded, rotating my hands so they were considered backwards and my knuckles were against my thighs, a half pirouette. Blindly falling forward was not something I was in the mood to perform after the day I’ve been having, but I took a deep breath and prayed to God I would be able to pull off a Jaeger. Bouncing off the bar with my hips, I cast to a handstand. Coach positioned his hands on my stomach and back, holding me in place, leaving a touch of heat in each fingertip.
“Breathe,” he whispered only for my ears. “Calm down, and focus. You got this.” I nodded, then I was blindly falling forward into another handstand where he gripped me in the same place again. His hold was firm, secure, and overall, confident. It gave me a sense of comfort knowing he’d catch me if I fell.
“Tighten up.” He slapped the back of my thigh lightly. “Squeeze your butt, straighten your legs.”
I squeezed every muscle I could in my body and fell back again to hit another handstand.
“Better. Do it again.”
I did it again.
“Tap harder,” he demanded. “I believe your tap was not hard enough and the reason for your fall.”
“Kova,” I whispered once I was in a handstand. Coming down, I rested my hips on the bar with my arms locked straight. I turned to look at him.
“Do not,” he mumbled.
“We need to talk.”
“Adrianna, if you say another word to me, I will put your body through so much conditioning you will not be able to walk tomorrow.”
My lips parted and his eyes traveled down to them. The five o’clock shadow paired with his emerald eyes was scorching, and when he looked at me with commanding authority, my body blazed. The bite in his tone was a clear warning to stop, so I listened. I didn’t want to push him. It was obvious he wasn’t playing around, clearly past the point of pissed off.
“Now is not the time or place to talk about anything. Be smart, Adrianna. Until then, you will land this skill until it is solid and then you are going home. I do not need you breaking bones on me.”
I nodded. He was right.
“Now let us go. Do the Jaeger. I will spot you.”
Before casting to another damn handstand, I looked at him and whispered, “I’m scared.”
His eyes filled with empathy. “Fear is not a bad thing. It is what keeps you alive and trying. Visualize it and then go for it. Be confident. Push for it. I am right here spotting you, I will not let anything happen. I promise.”
I believed him. I nodded frantically, picturing the skill in my head. Once in a handstand, I looked for his hands to spot me and when it came time to release again, I arched my back and tapped my feet hard. I released the bar and flipped forward into a pike position. Spotting the bar, I reached for it as if I was about to fall a hundred feet to the ground and gripped it tight. Coach kept his word and heavily spotted by flattening his hand right under my chest and on my back.
He had me.
I followed through with an easy kip and rested on the bar. My heart was racing, adrenaline pouring through my veins as I caught my breath. I looked at him and smiled brightly.
“Again.” He tapped the back of my thigh.
He didn’t even give me thirty seconds before I was back up. My nerves were shot and only by some miracle did I catch the bar thereafter. I lost count of the number of times I practiced the Jaeger after the initial one. Even with my grips, my palms were on fire, but I blocked out the agonizing pain. My shoulders felt like Jell-O. With each release, the fear dissolved a little more. But it never disappeared. Kova was right about fear, it kept me alive and motivated. Otherwise, I’d lose the thrill of the sport to keep going. He gave me self-belief with his firm touch, the courage to keep going. It was a coach wanting to see his athlete succeed and nothing more.