Be Here Now: A Cedar Creek Novel (15 page)

He made sense of course, but in that moment, all I could think about was the look on Jason’s face when I told him about Jesse being dead. “That doesn’t excuse what I did, Chris.”

“If you mean what you did today, you’re probably right. It doesn’t.” I flinched and felt my bottom lip start to tremble again. Chris put one hand to my cheek and wiped the tears that were again falling away with his thumb. “But it’s understandable, Lore. You’ve been in so much pain for such a long time. I’m not surprised that you lashed out to let go of some of it.”

“Chris is right, Loreley. Your reaction was harsh, but it was understandable. You couldn’t have known any of that. You acted on what you thought you knew. Yeah, it was ugly and it hurt, but nobody can blame you for lashing out at the person you thought was the cause for a big portion of the hurt you’ve been carrying for six years,” Cal stated.

“Jason is going to blame me. And he’s got every right to.”

“He’ll come around, Lore. If he is the man I know him to be, he’ll come around once you’ve talked to him, once you’ve explained everything to him. He told me last night that he hasn’t stopped loving you for all these years, so he’ll come around.” Chris assured me.

I hoped he was right. “He said that?” I asked. Chris nodded.

“And I know that you never stopped loving him either. If you had, you wouldn’t have still been so hurt and angry after all this time.” I closed my eyes and touched my forehead to his.

“I should have listened to you this morning.”

“Yeah, you should have. But I didn’t try very hard either. I didn’t want to cause you more pain. And I was scared you’d be mad at me.”

“I probably wouldn’t have believed you. I’m such a stubborn bitch.”

Chris chuckled. “You’re stubborn and you can be a bitch when provoked, but you’re not a bitch normally.”

I took a few deep breaths in an effort to calm down. “Thank you, Chris.”

“You’re welcome. Now, get your shit together. You’ve got a phone call to make.”

Grateful, I smiled at him.

Then I got my shit together so I could make a phone call.

I made that phone call and a couple more within the next few hours.

Jason never picked up.

The first two times, I left messages for him, apologizing and asking him to call me back so we could talk. He never did. I doubted he even listened to the messages.

Chris and Cal had both still been at my house during the first call. It had rung a few times before it went to voice mail. My phone number was still the same it had been six years ago, so I was pretty sure Jason knew it was me who was calling him.

My heart was beating in overtime as I listened to the phone ringing and sunk when the call went to voice mail.

Both Cal and Chris had thunderous expressions on their faces when I hung up—well, Cal’s was definitely thunderous. Chris’ was more sad than angry, but the glint in his eyes couldn’t be mistaken for anything but anger.

“Give him some time, Lore. He’ll come around,” Chris repeated his words from earlier.

The next time I called a few hours later, it didn’t ring. It went straight to voice mail.

The message was clear.

Jason didn’t want to talk to me.

I understood why, but still, I didn’t give up. I called him once more with the same result and then decided to go up to the rental and talk to him face to face.

When I drove up to Cal’s A-Frame, the Challenger was nowhere in sight. Still, I went to the front door and knocked and peeked through the windows when nobody answered. The house looked and felt empty. He wasn’t home. Determined to talk to him today, I waited on the front porch. I waited for over two hours until I gave up and decided to go to the cemetery.

I would come back and try again later.

Jason wasn’t the only person I owed an apology.

I owed my son one as well.

I had never talked to Jesse about his dad, never even so much as mentioned his name. It had been too painful to remember. And what was I supposed to tell him? That his father had abandoned us? That he didn’t want anything to do with us? That he was off enjoying his rock star career and probably didn’t even think about us? Those weren’t things a son should think about his father. So I had put it off and placated him when he asked why he didn’t have a father or where his father was or if his father would ever come to see him.

Now, I realized that that had been one of my biggest mistakes. Jesse deserved to have a father, and I had withheld that option from him even in spirit. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have lied to him, come up with a reasonable story about why his father wasn’t with us. Or even tell him the truth. Or at least the truth that was fit for a five-year-old’s ears. The truth about his parents falling in love with each other, but things not working out between us; that we both loved him very much, but that his dad lived too far away for him to visit.

I couldn’t turn back time but I could sure as hell try and make up for it now.

So kneeling in front of his grave, I told my son about his father.

“The first time we met I didn’t really want to talk to your father, but he was resilient and sat down next to me and started talking until I couldn’t help but listen. He made me laugh. He had so many crazy stories to tell and was such a good storyteller. That’s something the two of you had in common: make me laugh even when I don’t feel like it, because your stories are so crazy and over the top that I can’t help but laugh. You would have loved him. And he would have loved you. No doubt about it.”

I swallowed as tears stung my eyes and my throat closed up.

“I owe you an apology, Jesse. An apology for keeping your father from you. I am so sorry,” I choked as the enormity of what I had done overwhelmed me. Tears streamed down my face yet again as I sobbed at my son’s grave for the first time in months. “There is no excuse for keeping him from you. I should have told you about him, should have told you how much in love we were when we made you. I am so sorry.” I cried some more.

“He never knew about me?” I turned around and saw Jason standing behind me. His face was set in an angry mask that did nothing to hide the pain and anguish in his eyes.

I wiped the tears away, but it was no use. Seeing him like that and knowing I was responsible for it, broke my heart yet again.

“I’m sorry, Jason. I’m so sorry,” I whispered brokenly through my tears.

“You being sorry is not gonna turn back time, is it? It’s not gonna let me meet and get to know my son, is it?”

I shook my head. “No, it isn’t. And I take full responsibility for that. You’re right. I should have tried harder, I should have done anything in my power to talk to you. This is all my fault.” I looked up at Jason’s face. I was literally on my knees in front of him, apologizing, begging him to forgive me. His face softened a fraction but not enough to chase away the anger. He moved his eyes from mine and gazed at his son’s headstone.

He stared at his son’s name and date of birth and death for long minutes:

Jesse Cooper

* January 15, 2007

† June 22, 2012

Your beautiful spirit will forever

leave a smile in our hearts.

His angry mask dropped and was replaced with an expression so tortured it would have brought me to my knees if I hadn’t already been kneeling. I sobbed again when I saw tears pooling in his eyes. I got up and slowly moved towards him until I stood beside him. I reached out a hand and touched his. He let this happen for a few short moments, and I was immensely relieved, until he took a step away from me and my touch.

“I can’t do this, yet, Loreley. I’m still too mad at you. Too hurt. I can’t understand how you could ever think so little of me. I don’t have it in me to forgive you right now, maybe with time, but not now.”

“Okay,” I said brokenly. I nodded as I wiped away a new set of tears. Jason watched me do this and his face softened another fraction.

“I’ll want to know about him, see pictures of him.” His voice sounded sad and heartbroken.

I nodded again, a little more enthusiastically, and repeated, “Okay.”

“Okay,” he whispered back. Then he swallowed and said, “I’m not ready, yet, but I’ll call you.”

Another whispered, “Okay” from me before he gazed at the grave one more time and turned around to walk away.

I stayed at the cemetery for a long time after that, talking to Jesse and my mother, telling them both about Jason, begging their forgiveness again and again. I cried until there were no more tears left in me. When I could finally make myself leave, I got up and softly touched Jesse’s headstone as I whispered one of his favourite “I love you so much”-phrases. “I love you so much I want to eat all the chocolate cake in the world until I’m as round as the Willy Wonka Blueberry Girl and you’ll chase me when I roll down the hill and roll and roll until I can’t roll any more, that’s how much I love you.” I kissed my fingers and pressed those fingers against the hard and cold stone. Then I went home.

When I pulled into the driveway, Chris was waiting for me at the front door.

“You okay?” He was worried about me. His eyes roamed over my face and grew even more worried when he saw my puffy-and-red-from-crying-for-hours eyes.

I shook my head and gave him a small smile that I knew didn’t reach my eyes. “Not really.”

He closed his arms around me and hugged me tightly. “You talk to Jason?”

I rested my cheek on his chest and closed my eyes. “I did,” I said softly, my voice filled with sadness.

“And?” Chris prompted when I didn’t say any more.

“He says he needs time, says that he can’t forgive me right now, that he’s still too mad and hurt.” Chris arms tightened around me as he spoke into my hair. “He’ll come around.” I nodded into his chest but wasn’t at all convinced that Chris was right. “He’ll come around, you’ll see,” Chris repeated as if knowing my gloomy thoughts. We stood like that for long moments, him holding me and rocking me and softly stroking my back, me leaning into him, cheek to his chest, eyes closed.

“I have to go check on the bar. I know you’re off tonight but I want you to come with me.”

“I’ll be okay, Chris. Don’t worry.”

“As if that could ever happen.” He leaned back so he could look at my face. I did the same. “I’ll always worry about you, Lore. You’re my best friend, my family. I hate seeing you this sad.” I knew that. It was the same way I felt about him.

“Look at me, Chris. There’s no way I can go into town the way I look. I’ll scare off the customers,” I half-heartedly tried to lighten the mood, but Chris wasn’t fooled.

“You’ve got two options: you can either come with me and hide in the office and do some paperwork, or I can drop you off at Cal and Ivey’s and you can stay there until I’m done. I’m not leaving you here alone in this state.”

I sighed in defeat. I knew I didn’t have a prayer winning this fight. “Fine. I’ll come to the bar. Just let me go wash my face.” I left Chris’ embrace and headed to the bathroom.

By the time I fell into bed that night, I was so exhausted that I could hardly keep my eyes open as I waited for Chris to be done in the bathroom. Losing the fight, I closed my eyes and thought about Jesse and Jason like I had most of the day, thought about the smile they shared, their laugh, their beautiful eyes.

And then I saw him.

Jesse.

For the first time in a year, I saw my son as if he were lying beside me in bed. He was watching me with proud but sad eyes. He looked older now, as if wherever he was, he was growing and maturing as if he was still alive. He would be six years old now.

I felt his hand as he put it against my cheek like he had done so many times. I felt it as if it was real, as if Jesse was really here with me. I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled as I held his hand against my cheek with mine, then turned my head and kissed his palm.

“It’ll be okay, mom. You’ll be okay,” I heard Jesse whisper.

Tears stung my eyes at hearing my son’s beautiful voice for the first time in a year. I had missed it so much.

“Don’t cry, mom. It’ll all be okay. I promise,” he whispered again.

The tears were running down my cheeks silently. “I miss you so much.”

He smiled a sad smile. “I know. I miss you, too. But I’m always right here with you.”

Yes, he was. He was always with me. I carried him with me wherever I went. “I know, baby. I know. It’s just so hard.”

He didn’t say anything, just smiled his sad smile at me as he cupped my cheek in his small hand.

“I visited you today.”

“I know.”

“Did you hear me when I told you about your dad?”

“I know all about my dad. I’ve been watching him just as I’ve been watching you.” My eyes grew big.

“You have?”

Jesse nodded. “Of course.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“It’s okay, mom, I understand. And so will dad.” I sighed as relief washed through me. I stared at him for countless moments, drinking him in. Then I kissed his nose, his cheek, his forehead. I kissed him all over until he giggled and pushed me away playfully. I didn’t care if this was real or if I was dreaming. I would enjoy this moment for as long as it lasted.

Then he looked at me and whispered, “I love you so much I’m gonna let you eat all the chocolate cake in the world until you are as round as the Willy Wonka Blueberry Girl and I’ll chase you when you roll down the hill and roll and roll until you can’t roll any more, that’s how much I love you.”

I thought I didn’t have any tears left in me, but they started running freely and steadily again. He had heard me today at the cemetery. He had been there and he had heard me.

“I’ll always hear you, mom. I’ll always be there.” He said as if he had listened to my thoughts.

Then, looking into my son’s warm eyes, I drifted off and fell into a peaceful sleep, a sleep so peaceful I didn’t wake up once, not even when Chris came to bed and pulled me into his body, not when he kissed the top of my head and murmured, “I’m so sorry this is causing you more pain.”