This day last year had been a dark day to say the least.
It had been the day I lost Jesse.
For months, I had been in deep mourning. Holed up in my house after I came home one night, closed all the blinds, locked both doors, and gave myself over to a bottle of Tequila. I had wanted to be alone, not see anyone, not talk to anyone, not think about anyone, not feel anything. The bottle of Tequila had been empty before dawn, and I had passed out not long after that. I had woken up in the hospital, with my dad and Chris sitting beside my bed.
My dad had tears in his eyes that started to roll down his cheeks when he saw me open my eyes.
“Honey,” he whispered brokenly before he closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the hand that was holding mine in a tight grip. His shoulders were shaking with silent sobs.
“Daddy,” I whispered. My own tears were wetting my cheeks at seeing my big strong father in a state like this. I lifted my other hand to the top of his head, running my fingers through the hair that was just like mine. His head came up and he looked into my eyes. The devastation mingled with fear I saw in them scared the shit out of me. My dad was the strongest person I knew. And he never showed fear.
“Daddy,” I whispered again.
“My precious girl, my baby, I’m so sorry, so goddamn sorry—” he started sobbing again; big body heaving sobs. I sobbed with him.
“You could have…you almost…”
“I’m okay, dad. I’ll be all right,” I tried to soothe him through my own tears.
At my words, I felt a wave of rage come at me from the other side of the bed. I turned my head and froze. Chris was sitting in a chair, his elbows to his knees, his red and swollen eyes on me, fury in them.
“Chris—” I started, but he didn’t let me finish.
“Shut your trap, Lore. I don’t want to hear the bullshit I know will come out of it,” he said in a very low, very angry, very hurt voice. I snapped my mouth shut and stared at him. He had never talked to me like that.
“Boy—”
“No, Roy. You know as well as I do that it’s bullshit. Lore is
not
okay and she will
not
be all right. You wanna know why you’re here, Lore? You wanna know what I walked into this morning?” He asked, but didn’t let me answer. “You drank yourself unconscious! Found you passed out on the floor, thought you were dead. They had to pump your stomach, Lore, rushed you to the hospital to pump your fucking stomach! You stopped breathing in the ambulance on your way here! You almost died! Does that sound
okay
to you?”
“Chris—” I tried again. Chris jumped out of his chair, and a second later his face was in mine.
“Not one word, Lore. Not one fucking word! Did you hear me? You almost fucking died!”
“I didn’t mean to,” I breathed.
“You didn’t mean to? Well, guess what? Accidental suicide is still fucking suicide, the result of it you being DEAD! You want that? You wanna die, Lore?” Chris’ face was still only an inch from mine, his voice low his eyes wide with fury. And fear.
“No,” I whispered, but I wasn’t sure if I was lying or not. I had decided on Tequila because it gets you drunk fast, and in doing that, numbs not only your whole body, but your brain as well. But it hadn’t numbed my emotions, not one single bit. It had done the opposite, had made the sorrow and despair inside me hot like a branding iron, searing through my insides until I couldn’t breathe. In that moment, just before I passed out, I had wanted to die. And Chris could see it in my eyes.
“Jesus, Lore, you do. You want to die,” he said as his body jerked back from me as if I had slapped him, pain and hurt flashing through his eyes.
“Baby girl,” I heard my dad’s choked whisper and turned my head again to look at him. “Is that true? Did you try to kill yourself?” I shook my head, tears streaming down my face, my throat closing up.
“No…I…I didn’t…I wouldn’t…I’d never…” I stammered.
The door flew open before I could gather myself enough to give a coherent answer, and Cal stormed in. He stopped two feet into the room and glared at me.
“What the fuck, Loreley! Are you out of your ever-loving mind?” He roared at me. I flinched. He was as mad as I had ever seen him. And scared. His eyes were haunted.
“You know. You of all people know what it’s like to lose someone precious to you, to lose someone you love with all your heart. Look at your dad, look at him!” he shouted when I didn’t look at my dad.
I looked at my dad.
Hunched over, his hand still holding mine, his red-rimmed eyes were bleak with sorrow and desperation. The same eyes that have been staring back at me through my mirror for the past few months.
I started sobbing again, which made the tears in my dad’s eyes spill over.
“Yeah, Loreley, take a good look.
You
did that to him. You want him to feel like that? You want him to lose you?”
“I…” was all I could get out. No, I didn’t want my dad to feel like he did now. I didn’t want him to look like he had lost all that was precious to him. He had already lost my mom, the love of his life. I didn’t want him to go through losing his only child.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, “I’m so sorry, daddy.” My dad grabbed me behind the neck and pulled me into his chest where he held me while I wept. This lasted a long time. When my sobs quieted, my dad pulled me out of his chest and locked his eyes with mine. His were still haunted, but now they were also serious. Determined.
I braced.
Then he laid it out for me.
“When your mother died, I thought my whole world had died with her. I know what it feels like to not be able to breathe because the pain and loss are consuming everything you are. But you know what, honey? My world didn’t die. I still had you, my precious baby girl. You to take care of; you to love; you to cherish. You’ve lost one of the most precious things a person can lose and my heart breaks for you, honey. If I could take away the pain, take the burden from you, I would, darling. You are the most important person in my life, and watching you endure that kind of pain breaks my heart for you every single day. But you are not alone. Your world did not die with Jesse. You’ve got me, you’ve got Betty and Pete, you’ve got Cal and Tommy, and you’ve got Chris. We all love you and we all need you. And we’re all here for you, honey. Please, promise me, let us help you get through this. Please, baby,” my father begged.
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against his.
“I promise, daddy,” I whispered. His hand at my neck gave me a squeeze.
“Good,” he whispered back, then kissed my forehead as he gave my neck one more squeeze and sat back in his chair, keeping my hand in his. I looked back to Chris and Cal who were both standing in the middle of the room, watching us.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“You gonna let us help?” Chris asked. I nodded. “Good,” he said, “that means we’re gonna find someone for you to talk to and you’re gonna go and do it. No arguing. You need professional help, we’ll find a professional to help you. You’re also on suicide watch from now on. That means I’m moving in and staying as long as it takes for you to get back on your feet. You won’t be alone again until you’re healthy and solid.”
I nodded again. “Okay.”
Chris exhaled in relief and returned my nod. “Okay.”
I looked to Cal. He hadn’t said anything since he had barged into the room and reamed me out. His eyes were locked on me. They were still furious.
“Cal?” I called.
“I’m still fucking mad at you, Loreley. You’re like a sister to me, have been for over twenty years, which means I’m your big brother and it’s my job to protect you. I couldn’t protect you from the pain you had to endure these past few months, but I sure as hell can protect you from yourself and I’m gonna do that. And you’re gonna let me. No matter what it takes, you’ll get your shit together. I swear to God, Loreley, I don’t care if I have to spank your ass until it’s raw.”
“Okay,” I replied instantly.
He was right. They all were. I had fucked up. Fucked up huge and scared the hell out of all of them and myself in the process. Made them go through something that nobody should have to go through: coming close to losing someone they love.
I watched as Cal took a deep breath through his nose and then kept watching as his body slowly relaxed.
“Everyone is out in the waiting room. My mom is crying and mad as hell at you, dad is broken-hearted, and Tommy is freaked. In a minute, they’re gonna come in here to see you and you’re gonna do your damndest to make amends for putting them through that. I mean it, Loreley, you’re getting your shit together and won’t scare us like that ever again.”
“I promise, Cal,” I whispered. I felt ashamed. Everyone was even more worried about me now than they already had been. My dad; Betty and Pete, who were like parents to me; Cal, my surrogate big brother; Chris, my best friend, who had done everything he could to get me through all of this; and Tommy, my sweet Tommy, Cal’s son, which made him my bona fide nephew; he was only ten years old but he had an old soul and was an Alpha male in training, which meant he had been even more protective of me since Jesse died, just like his dad had been.
“Good,” he replied, then came close and just like my dad had, he hooked me at the back of my neck and pulled me up while he leaned in to kiss my forehead before he turned on his heel and left the room without saying another word.
That had been the lowest point of my life.
Since then, I have been seeing a therapist, at first three times a week, then twice a week, now I was down to once a month. Talking about my feelings with an uninvolved stranger had helped immensely. I could just let fly and talk about whatever I was feeling without needing to have a mind to the person listening, or thinking I felt sorry for myself. During the first few months of sessions, there was a lot of crying, which turned into a lot of anger, which slowly turned into settling into who I was now. I had learned to deal and focus on the good, remember all the beautiful and fun moments while accepting that there would always be pain connected to those memories, but not letting them swallow me up. Now, a year after I lost Jesse, I was much better. It was still hard and sometimes thinking about him hurt more than others, but I was dealing and I was living my life and moving forward.
I made it to the other side of town and ended my run at the town’s grocery store to get a bottle of water. I hated running with having to hold one, so I always stopped at the store after my run and drank the water as I walked through town back to my house.
I did the same today.
When I came out of the store, turning on the sidewalk, my head bent back, taking big gulps of water, I stopped to admire the black Challenger parked at the curb. Challengers were sweet. Not as sweet as my 1965 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500, but still, they were nothing to sneeze at. They were pretty unusual in Cedar Creek. Especially at this time of year. It was early summer and camping season was starting, so the town was usually filled with big SUVs that could pull trailers, not sexy sports cars. The driver’s door opened and my heart stopped for a second before it restarted and beat in overtime as I saw the person emerging.
It was Jason.
He threw the door shut and leaned against the side of the car, his arms crossed on his chest and his sunglass-covered eyes fixed on me as if he expected me to come to him.
Great.
Jason was not someone I wanted to deal with this morning or today or ever.
I looked away from him and drank some more water as I started walking past him, initiating my strategy to ignore he existed like I had told Chris and Rick last night I would.
But Jason didn’t let me.
He walked towards me and started right where he had left off last night: lying to me.
“Where did you get the idea I cheated on you?”
I kept walking without answering him. I wouldn’t let him rile me up again.
“Where, Loreley?”
I took another drink of water and carried on towards my house when just like last night, a hand on my arm stopped me.
“Don’t touch me, Jason. Go away. I don’t want to talk to you.” I snapped.
He let me go immediately. What he didn’t do was leave. Instead, he moved closer, and I had to force myself not to take a step back.
“Fine. I won’t touch you, but you gotta talk to me. I swear to God I never cheated on you. If someone told you I did, they were lying—” His boldness of approaching me and confronting me as if he had a right to infuriated me. Chris had been right. Jason wouldn’t let me ignore him. So I broke my promise and got riled up.
“Tell me, Jason.” I interrupted him, “What is it you are trying to accomplish here? Why are you here in my town, tracking me down, following me, lying to me? What is it you want from me?”
“I told you last night. I wanted to apologize. I was a dick and an asshole and lost you because of it. I’ve regretted saying those words to you every single day, Loreley, I’ve missed you every single day.”
“That’s it? That’s what you came here to do? Apologize and tell me you missed me? All right. Consider your mission accomplished. You can leave now.” I started to turn away from him again, but he stepped around me and blocked my way.
“That’s not all I wanted to say.”
“Then what is it? Spit it out so we can get this charade over with and I can forget about you again and get back to living my life!”
Jason ground his teeth and clenched his fists. Then he moved in even closer and said through his clenched teeth, “I love you and I want you back. I have wanted you back since the moment you walked away from me six years ago. I get now why you didn’t answer any of my calls that day if you thought I fucked someone else. But I swear, Loreley, I never did. I never cheated on you. I loved you too much to hurt you like that. I still do. I want you back.”
I couldn’t believe his audacity. This time, it was me who was moving closer towards him until our noses almost touched. “Tell me, how is it, living in La-La-Land? Is it as nice and wondrous as you hoped it would be?” I asked in a cold voice.
Jason glared at me. “Don’t be a sarcastic bitch. I’m being serious.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “There you go again, calling me a bitch. Guess your apologies aren’t worth shit. And you’re not being serious; you’re delusional. I have long since moved on from you.” At my words, Jason ground his teeth so hard I saw the muscle in his cheek jump.