I sighed again. “I ran into Jason this morning and we had words.”
“Did he corner you again?” Chris was instantly alert and looked like he was ready to hunt Jason down.
God, I loved him.
Chris was one of the few people who had seen me at my worst, who had done whatever it took to help me out of that deep dark hole that had swallowed me up last year. We had been best friends since college, had even dated for a short time when we first met until we realized we were better as friends. We were tight. He had quit his job and moved to Cedar Creek for me, to help me get back on my feet and never left.
Without him, I didn’t know where I’d be today.
I owed him my life. Literally.
“No, he didn’t. It was outside the grocery store on the sidewalk so he didn’t have much of a chance.” Chris relaxed slightly when I told him what had happened and what Jason had said.
“You’re joking. He wants you back?”
“Apparently.”
“I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense.”
“No, it doesn’t.” Chris said nothing. His face was contemplative. And worried.
“I’m fine, Chris. You’ll see, he’ll leave soon enough and everything will get back to normal. Let’s stop talking about him. This day is hard enough as it is without me having to worry about what he’s up to.”
Chris’ eyes grew tender and sad. He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. “Of course, Lore. I’ll drop it.” He held me for a few moments in silence before he said, “I can stay over for longer than just tonight if you need me to.”
I lifted my head from his chest and looked up at him. “I appreciate the offer and I’m very grateful that you’re staying with me tonight. But I’ll be okay. You need to stop babying me.”
“What if the reason for me wanting to stay with you is purely selfish?”
I wouldn’t believe it for a second. “What do you mean?”
“I mean staying with you for a few nights would prevent me from sticking my dick in any pussy offering. Might do me some good.”
I laughed silently. “Trouble in bachelor paradise?”
Chris’ return grin died. “Not really. Sometimes I just get tired of it, you know?”
“Tired of being one of the hottest guys in town and having your pick of the litter?” I asked him incredulously.
“Yeah,” he answered to my astonishment. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just want more than the emptiness of a casual fuck. You know the last time I’ve been on an actual date?”
I thought about it for a second. Then I thought about it some more. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember Chris ever taking a girl out on more than one date. Not since he had come to Cedar Creek last year. And not at college. He saw a lot of action, always had, but they were all one-night stands with barflies who didn’t mean anything to him. Easy girls. Always pretty, not always nice, but always pretty and easy. Maybe too easy.
“Yeah. That’s right. Neither do I, it’s been so long,” he said when I didn’t speak.
“I thought that’s how you wanted it. I don’t remember you ever taking anyone out on more than once. Well, other than me, that is,” I said, frowning.
He smiled at me.
“Yeah, other than you I haven’t been dating. Actually,
since
you I haven’t been dating.”
Uh oh. I didn’t like the sound of that. He wasn’t… No. That was impossible. I would know if he had feelings other than best friend love for me. We were too close and spent too much time together for him to be able to hide anything like that.
I was still standing in the loose hold of his arms, so I felt it when Chris’ body shook with silent laughter.
“Lore, babe, you should see your face.”
“What?”
“You’re panicking. Don’t worry. I’m not holding a torch for you,” he answered my unasked question, proving that he could read my exact thoughts on my face. “We are great as friends. The best. We didn’t work as a couple. Doesn’t mean that I don’t miss being part of a couple.”
“Where is this coming from? Have you met someone and she isn’t falling for your charms?”
He shook his head. “No, haven’t met anyone. And I won’t if I keep chasing tail the way I’ve been doing. At least not the kind I want. I want something real, something good. I won’t find that if all I do is hook up with convenient pussy.”
“So what you’re saying is you want to use me and sleep in my bed so you won’t end up in anyone else’s.”
“Kinda,” he said on a smirk. I shook my head and smiled at him.
“You know you can’t bullshit me, Chris.”
He gave me a final squeeze before he let me go. “But I can try. Go to Lola’s and get us some coffee and muffins. I’m starving,” he said as he headed back towards the bar. “Then you can help me restock before we go for lunch and head to Boulder.”
“You’re coming to Boulder with me?”
“Yeah. Mark is coming to hold down the fort until tonight.”
“All right. You want the usual?” I asked.
“Yeah. Make it a large. And a lemon poppy seed muffin.” His head was already disappearing into one of the large beer coolers behind the bar to check what needed to be restocked.
“Okay. Be back! Me paying for breakfast means lunch is on you. I want a milkshake from Tom’s with whatever is on special today!” I called across the expanse of the room as I walked towards the front door to get us both breakfast from the only coffee shop in town, which was just down the street from Cooper’s and was owned and run by the town sage Betty, who was also Cal’s mother, which in turn made her my surrogate mom.
“Right,” I heard him shout back and I smiled to myself.
When I walked into Lola’s, Betty’s eyes zeroed in on me like a hawk’s. She was reading my mood, worried about me. I had expected it. Betty loved me like her own daughter and I loved her like a mother, but I didn’t want her to worry.
I gave her a reassuring smile as I approached the counter. Her eyes stayed locked on mine, reading me, looking into my soul it felt like. She could do that, look into your soul. And she would tell you what she found there. No matter if you wanted to hear it or not.
Before she could open her mouth and do exactly that, I cut to the chase. “I know you’re worried about me and I love it that you are because it says something beautiful, but I also hate it that you think you have to worry, because it says that I gave you reason to do so. I made a promise and I’m going to keep it. I’m much stronger than I was a year ago, Betty. And Chris is staying with me for a few days so I am not alone. I know I’m not alone and never was. I’ve got all of you, an amazing family who loves me, and I won’t disappoint you again.”
Betty leaned over the counter and put her hand to my cheek while still looking deep into my eyes. “My beautiful girl. Yes, you are much stronger than you were a year ago. Doesn’t mean I’m not still going to worry about you. I’ll always worry about you. It’s what a mother does. You’re my blood or not, you’re like a daughter to me, and parents never like to see their children suffer.”
Like always, Betty’s words were beautiful and felt great.
She kept talking. “I’m glad Chris is staying with you to hold you up and keep you strong. It’s no shame needing and accepting the help of people you love and who love you, sweetheart. It’s the opposite. It’s what family and friends are for. We stick together, we lean on each other, we help each other be strong. Now, know this: you need me or Pete or Cal or Ivey in any way, you call. No matter what time of day or night, you feel like you can’t deal, you call.”
God, she was killing me.
Tears stung my eyes and I had to swallow them down before I could say anything. I nodded.
“I will, Betty. I promise.”
“Good, sweetheart. That’s what I want to hear,” she said with love and pride and compassion in her voice.
“Now, what can I get you?” She asked as her hand left my cheek, she leaned back to standing straight again and walked towards her fancy Italian commercial coffee machine, her pride and joy. She should be proud. It made the best coffee in town.
“I need two large lattes and two lemon poppy seed muffins.”
“All right, dear. Coming right up.”
Pete came out from the back carrying a big tray of baked goodies. You wouldn’t think it by looking at him, but Pete was the one who did all the baking for the coffee shop. And all of it was freaking amazing. I was a chocolate kind of gal, not much into cakes and cookies and pastries and stuff, but even I would kill for one of Pete’s baked anything, they were that good.
“Hey, there, sweetheart. How you doin’?” He asked when he saw me.
I gave him a smile and said, “I’m doing okay, Pete, thanks.”
“Hear you’re joinin’ us for dinner at Cal and Ivey’s tonight.”
“Yeah, Cal wanted to butter me up with the lure of Ivey’s chocolate dessert. I got mad at him because he played me this morning. Told me he needed to talk to me about the new stage he’s building for me, made me haul my behind out of the shower for nothing.”
Pete gave me a look then he said in a low voice full of meaning, “That’s not why he asked you to come for dinner, sweetheart. And he didn’t play you.”
I frowned in confusion.
Then it came to me. I was such an idiot. Cal made me come into the bar this morning not because he was upset I had stood him up and wanted payback, but because he wanted to check on me, make sure I was okay. And inviting me over for dinner tonight was more of the same: surrounding me with family and love on the day that he knew would be hard for me. They were probably all in on it.
My face got soft with that realization and I had to swallow my tears for the third time this morning.
“That’s right, darlin’,” Pete whispered when he saw that I understood.
I swallowed again before I said quietly, “I love you all.”
“And we love you right back.”
I smiled a shaky smile at him and he returned it with a bright one of his own.
“Here you go, Lola Girl. Two lattes and two lemon poppy seed muffins.” I heard Betty say and turned back to facing her. I loved it when she called me Lola Girl. The only other person in my life who had ever done that was my mom.
Betty and my mom had been best friends since Kindergarten. Both their families were Cedar Creek natives, going back a few generations. They had been closer than sisters, always together, always looking out for each other. It just so happened that they ended up dating and falling in love with two best friends, which made the four of them like family. Betty and my mom opened
Lola’s
after college. And yes, it’s named after me. My mother had been pregnant with me when they first opened the coffee shop and they decided to make me the namesake. Technically, half of
Lola’s
was mine. My mother had left it to me when she died. Betty and Pete have been running it ever since. It was theirs, at least in my head. I knew they deposited half of the monthly profits into an account that had my name on it, but I have never touched it. Never even considered it. Not even when money was tight right after college.
Betty calling me Lola Girl always reminded me of my mother.
And I loved that.
“Lore,” I heard my name called from across the table. I had been sipping my chocolate cherry milkshake, lost in thoughts, my mind filled with Jesse and, to my chagrin, Jason. Chris and I were at Tom’s eating lunch. I looked up and saw Chris’s concerned eyes on me.
“You haven’t heard a single word I’ve said, have you?” I shook my head slowly.
“I just miss him, Chris. I miss him so bad.” My voice was filled with sadness. I felt Chris’ hand take mine and opened my eyes.
“Of course you do, babe. There’s a lot to miss,” he said on a squeeze of my hand. He leaned his upper body across the table without taking his eyes from mine, holding my hand tightly in his.
“You loved him with all that is you. You still do and you always will. Jesse was a part of you and when he died, that part was ripped out of you and left a hole that nobody else can ever fill. It’s his and you won’t ever get it back. It burns, it hurts, and it always will to some degree. It will get better over time, but it will never go away completely, Lore.”
I nodded. We had talked about this often over the past year. Chris knew what he was talking about. He understood. He knew what it felt like to lose someone who is a part of you. Our sophomore year in college, shortly after we broke up, he lost his younger brother to leukemia. They had all known that it was coming, but that didn’t make it any easier or any less painful. He’d been devastated, had felt powerless because he couldn’t protect his little brother, couldn’t save him.
It wasn’t the same, but still, he knew the meaning of survivor’s guilt.
He also knew that even after therapy, I was still blaming myself for Jesse’s death to some degree. The accident hadn’t been my fault, but it was still me who had been driving the car when we got hit and went off the road. Whereas I had walked away with only a few scratches and bruises, Jesse had been declared dead on scene.
“Lore,” Chris again took me out of my thoughts. “Blaming yourself is not gonna bring him back. All it does is make you miserable. It leads nowhere. Jesse wouldn’t want that for you. He loved you and would want you to be happy. Hold on to the good things. All the fun you guys had. What a great person he was. He wouldn’t want you sad.”
I nodded. “You’re right. He wouldn’t want that. He always tried to make me laugh. And he did more often than not with all his antics. I smiled again thinking about that.
Chris smiled back at me.
Our food arrived.
“We taking your car to go to Boulder, or mine?”
“Let’s take mine. I’ll let you drive.”
That earned me a grin. “Of course you will.”
I grinned back at him.
Half an hour later we were leaving the diner. Boulder was an hour away and my appointment was in an hour and a half. We were walking down the sidewalk heading towards my place to get my car. Chris had thrown his arm over my shoulder, pulling me in close. My arm was wrapped around his waist and my head was resting on his shoulder so we were walking holding each other.
My head shot up from his shoulder and I whipped it around when I heard the loud angry growl of an engine from across the street.