I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy; no one deserves to suffer like this. My shrink told me that it would get easier as time went on. She’s full of shit—it doesn’t. If I could find my damn phone I would call her right now and tell her that.
Hell, if I could find my phone I would call Riley and tell her how much I love her. She’s full of shit too, for even thinking anyone could take her place.
It would be bad for her to see me like this… she wouldn’t understand. When next weekend rolls around, after I’ve sobered up I will explain everything. Tell her she’s the only one I want, the only one I will ever love.
I just have to make it through the next few days, then I’ll have three hundred sixty more days until my next breakdown. Those other five days out of the year are reserved for me, so I can punish myself for what happened.
I took a shower earlier; I couldn’t even stand the smell of me. It was a shower but I ended up sitting in the tub to wash. I felt dizzy. Then I made myself something to eat, that came back up after about fifteen minutes. Now I just want to sleep, but I don’t think I can make it upstairs, so I’ll crash on the couch.
I wish I could find my phone….
I woke up around eight this morning. Hunter isn’t home yet. So I decided I’m going to spend the day cleaning his apartment. The first thing I’m going to tackle is washing his bedding. Stripping everything off the bed I head downstairs to do the laundry. He has a stacked washer-dryer combo which is too small for his comforter.
I’m throwing all the sheets in the washer just as my dad walks in. “You don’t need to do your laundry, Rosie can take care of it. ” He takes a sip of coffee. It smells wonderful.
“This isn’t mine, I’m doing Hunter’s laundry for him. ” My cheeks blush instantly.
“Did he leave for work already?” he frowns. Busted.
I want to talk to someone so badly about what happened. “He left, I don’t know if he’s coming back. ” I whisper as my lip quivers.
The minute my dad reaches out to touch me, I lose it. He puts down his coffee cup and takes me in his arms. Suddenly I’m six years old again. Now I don’t know if I’m crying because of Hunter or because of all the memories that come flooding back to me.
“Let’s go sit down. I’ll get you a coffee so we can talk. ” He read my mind.
After I fix mine, I start from the beginning, and tell him everything. From the time Hunter’s mom showed up on his doorstep, to the night I found Emma in his apartment. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s liberating.
“You should have come to me right away; you could have saved yourself a lot of heartache. I’m his lawyer, I work for his company. There are a lot of things I can’t discuss with you, but I could have put your mind at ease. ” He lays his hand on mine.
“So what you’re telling me is there’s no reason why we can’t be together?” I want to make sure I heard him right.
“None. ” I can’t help but smile, until I think of Emma.
“He hasn’t been home since Friday… I’m afraid that he’s staying with her. ”
He smiles and shakes his head.
“That boy is too crazy about you to even look at another girl; I’m sure it was a misunderstanding. ” He takes our cups to get us more coffee.
When he sits back down he gets a faraway look in his eyes; he’s not listening to a word I say.
“Dad, is everything all right?” He’s suddenly so quiet.
“What’s today’s date?” He pulls out his phone, running his fingers through his hair.
“It’s the twenty-second. Why?” I’m wondering if he missed an important meeting.
“It will make three years tomorrow that Brady died; he usually goes off the grid for about five days. Hunter wants to be by himself. Everyone grieves in their own way. ” He pats my hand and that irritates me.
“No one should have to be alone, Dad. Maybe he’s been telling people that because he doesn’t want to ask for help. ” I get up so fast the chair scrapes the floor.
When I walk into the laundry room I see all the bedding’s already clean and folded on the table by the dryer. Rosie must have finished it for me while we were talking. I grab it as I head back into the kitchen.
My dad’s standing there waiting for me. “Riley, I didn’t want to upset you. ” I don’t let him finish.
“He will not be alone this year; I will find out where he is and I will be there for him. I want him to know that he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. He has me. ” I storm out the door.
I feel like an ass; I’m not used to drinking this hard shit and I think it’s killing me. I’ve heard of people dying from alcohol poisoning, maybe that’s what’s happening to me.
Good, I deserve it.
Still can’t find my phone; I’m sure it’s dead. It hasn’t been charged in, how many days? Hell if I can remember.
What day is it? I have a calendar on my phone… where’s my phone?
I’m so hot, I should take a shower. Hell, I’m going for a swim.
Jack and I are going outside; we’ve been friends for a few days now. Jack Daniels, I crack up laughing—he’s the only friend I need right now.
I stumble a little as my feet hit the sand. I’m ok. Putting Jack down, he’s not going for a swim.
Stripping off all my clothes, I stagger into the ocean, letting it swallow me whole.
I’ve scrubbed, cleaned, vacuumed, and polished his apartment until it shines. I did all his laundry and re-made his bed, and now I’m thumbing through a magazine. It's after nine and he hasn't come home yet. I'm so worried!
I’ve texted him, called him and I get a recording that tells me he’s not available.
WHAT THE FUCK!
I’m ready to jump out of my skin, when I hear a knock at the door. Suddenly, I get a feeling of déjà vu. It better not be that bitch.
When I fling the door open I’m surprised to see Connor standing there; he looks nervous.
“Hey, I stopped downstairs first—your dad told me you were up here. Do you have any idea where Hunter is? He knows the rules, I let him go get drunk for a few days, but he has to keep in touch. He hasn’t answered any of my calls. It’s freaking me out. ” He rakes his hands through his hair; does every guy do that when their upset?
“We didn’t part on the best terms. He never told me he was leaving. ” I feel helpless.
“It’s all good, Riley. You’ve never been around to see him like this so you have no fucking clue what he puts himself through. ” He storms out the door.
Whoa, then it hits me, I yell out the door. “The cottage! He’s at the cottage. ” I race down the stairs.
“What are you talking about? What cottage?” He sounds angry.
“I’ll explain everything, just drive!” God please let me remember how to get there. I should have known that’s where he’d be. “When his grandparents died they left him their house; it’s a cottage on the beach about an hour down the coast. ” My hands are shaking so badly.
“So that’s where he hides every year. ” He pulls onto the highway.
I spend the next twenty minutes filling him in about the last few days and about what my dad just told me this morning.
“Hunter told me you were so pissed that day you saw Emma at his apartment that you broke it off. I don’t usually stick my nose in other people’s business, but he was devastated when he told me about it. He’s crazy about you Riley; I’ve never seen him like this with anyone before. What you saw when you walked in was Hunter checking her face. Drew hit her. ” He brushes his hair out of his eyes as he glances over at me.
“I can’t tell you how bad I feel; I said some awful things to Emma. I’m going to have to apologize next time I see her. ”
I gaze out my window before asking, “Why does he go into hiding? How did Brady die?” I look over at Connor. He looks uncomfortable right now.
“It’s not easy for him to talk about… he blames himself. It only happened ten days after his grandparents died, so he lost everyone in such a short time. He just shuts down. ” He combs his hand through his hair; I can see he doesn’t want to talk about it, so we spend the rest of the drive in silence.
I see the exit coming up. “Take that exit; it’s a mile down the road on the left. ” I feel like I’m going to be sick, I’m so afraid of what we’ll find when we get there.
We see Hunter’s Jeep as we head down the driveway; the gravel crunching under the tires is the only sound we hear as he parks the car. When I open the door he reaches over and grabs my arm. “Let me go first so I can check things out; I’ll come get you when I know everything’s okay. ” He hears me whimper as he glances over at me.
I nod my head as I close the door. Taking a deep breath he heads out to find Hunter.
I have no idea where I’m going, but I didn’t want Riley to come with me. I’m afraid of what I might find. When he left on Friday he promised me he would keep in touch. He only called late Friday night and that’s the last I heard from him.
Thanks to the full moon, I don’t trip over my own feet as I make my way to the deck. Something catches my eye out on the beach—clothes, shoes, and no Hunter. I take off running so fast I nearly face plant in the sand. I scan the water but its pitch black. Where is he? If he went swimming when he was drunk he could have lost consciousness and drowned. I’m ready to scream his name, when….
“What are you doing here fucktard?” When I hear his voice I don’t know if I want to punch him in the face or kiss him.
Turning around I see him leaning over the deck, breathing a sigh of relief for a split second before I become furious. “Why the fuck didn’t you call me, asshole?”
I’m on the deck before he has a chance for a snappy comeback. Lunging for him I grab him by the shirt. When he looks at me, all my anger fades. His eyes are lifeless. I give him more than a one-arm bro hug; yeah I pull him in for a bear hug.
“I lost my phone. ” he whispers as he pats my back.
“Well that would explain why you haven’t called. ” Pulling back I look at him again; death warmed over is the only thought that pops to mind.
“How the hell did you find me here?” He can’t be that drunk if he remembers I’m not supposed to know about this place.
“Yeah, good question. There’s someone waiting in the car who’s really worried about you. Well, actually we all are. ” I back away a bit in case he decides to take a swing at me.
“I don’t want to see anyone right now; in fact, you’re not supposed to be here either. ” He opens the screen door and wobbles into what I presume is the kitchen.
“How long has it been since you’ve eaten something?” Sounds crazy but it looks like he’s lost weight.
“Every time I eat, I puke. ” He sits at the kitchen table, grabbing his bottle of Jack.
Snatching the bottle away from him I quickly pour it down the sink. He’s at my side in a heartbeat.
“What the fuck, that’s all I have left!” He shoves me with his open palms.
“I’m going to make you a little hair of the dog. If you drink that you won’t have any more hangover and you can make nice with who’s in my car. ” He frowns at me like he doesn’t know who I’m talking about. I grab the tomato juice out of the fridge and a bottle of vodka I had hidden in my shirt pocket. Luckily it’s not broken.
“Who’s in your car, Connor?” Well it’s nice to know he’s sobering up real fast.
“Riley was the one who told me where you were; she’s the one who brought me here. ” I wink at him. Yeah, he’s not happy right now.
“I. DON’T. WANT. TO. SEE. HER. ” He slams his fist on the table.
Our heads both turn towards the screen door as we hear it slam shut. This is so not good.
He finishes his Bloody Mary in three gulps, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. He storms outside towards the beach. Fuck.
I walk slowly to the car; Riley’s all hunched over in the front seat, rocking herself. Her arms are wrapped around her legs… she’s sobbing. Opening the car door I crouch down next to her and rub her back. I don’t know why, I just do.
“He doesn’t want you to see him like this; he’s hurting. One thing I’ve learned in the last few years is you can’t save someone. They have to want to save themselves. I think he’ll be fine if we leave. He’ll be home in a couple of days. ” When I go to stand up she reaches for my hand.
“Don’t you get it? All his life everyone he loves leaves him, and I’m not leaving. Just give me a minute to compose myself, then I’m going to tell him how much I love him, and that I’m staying so he never has to be alone again,” she says as she wipes her face with her shirt.
Wow, that’s some heavy shit.
She takes a couple of deep breaths before climbing out of the car and heading for the beach. I don’t want to intrude, so I head back inside the house, hoping to God she can prove me wrong.
My whole body’s shaking as I head down to the beach. It’s not because I’m cold. I’m afraid he doesn’t want me anymore, that he can’t forgive me for the things I’ve said.
He’s standing by the edge of the water with his hands thrust in his pockets causing his jeans to ride low on his hips. His long-sleeve shirt’s unbuttoned, fluttering in the cool ocean breeze. With the full moon reflecting off the water that’s lapping at his feet, he looks heavenly.
I’m about ten feet away when he glances up at me. I struggle to breathe. The anguish surrounding his blue eyes makes my chest ache. He holds up his hand to stop me from coming any closer.
“I don’t want you to see me like this. Go home with Connor. ” He looks back out to the stormy sea.
“I know everyone you ever loved has left you. I’m not leaving you. Hunter, you never have to be alone again because I’m here with you now. I love you so much. ” The moon reflects his tears when his eyes connect with mine.
“You can’t promise me forever, Riley. ” As soon as the words roll off his lips, he drops to his knees, the pain too much for him to endure.
When I rush over to him he struggles to push me away, adrenaline pumps through me as I grab his arms and wrap them around my waist. He clings to me like he’ll never let me go again, his face pressed against my chest. I hold him tightly to me, while stroking his neck and back to soothe him. His body starts shaking uncontrollably; I want so badly to comfort him but I don’t know how.
When I feel his body shifting against mine, I look down into those heartbreakingly blue eyes. Taking his face in my hands I stroke my thumbs across his tear stained cheeks. His eyes slowly close, stealing the air from my lungs. I feel like my heart will explode inside my chest; I never knew that I could love someone so much that it would hurt.
When his eyes finally open, he suddenly stands up. He cups my face in his hands as he strokes his thumbs across my cheeks. I hadn’t realized that I was crying as well. I don’t close my eyes because I want to memorize every detail of his beautiful face in case he can’t forgive me.
“I don’t want you to see me like this; let me get cleaned up. ” He kisses me on the forehead as he threads his fingers through mine.
As we head up to the house, Connor opens the kitchen door. He takes one look at our connecting hands and breaks out in a grin.
“I found your phone douchebag; it was stuck in the cushions of the couch. It’s on the charger on the kitchen counter. No need to thank me. ” He winks at me as he walks out the door. “I bet it lights up like a Christmas tree once it’s charged. ”
Hunter looks uncomfortable as he stands there, his hands shoved back in his pockets. “Hey, thanks—you know—for everything. ” He holds out his hand to Connor, who pulls him in for a quick hug, slapping each other on the back.
“No worries, I’ll let everyone know you’re okay. ” He beeps the horn as he backs out of the driveway, causing my stomach to do flip-flops.
“I’ll be back in a bit. ” Hunter brushes his thumb across my lips which causes my knees to tremble.
When he saunters back into the living room wearing a pair of sweats and nothing else, I feel every part of my body come alive.
I wait for him to start the conversation. When he doesn’t I decide to. “I’m sorry for what happened at your apartment the other day. ” His head snaps up so fast, his eyes glaring.
“Why do you do that, Riley? You always apologize when nothing’s your fault. It’s mine, all mine. ” He rakes his fingers through his hair as he looks up. Our eyes lock. “I should have told you everything a month ago, but I’m too exhausted to do this right now. ”
He walks over, reaching out for my hand. When I place mine in his he pulls me up against him. He whispers in my ear, “Come to bed with me, Riley. I just want to spend tonight holding you. I missed you so much, baby. ”
He just forgave me for all the hateful things I’ve done by telling me he missed me.
I told him I’d meet him upstairs after a quick shower. He gave me a pair of his old pajama bottoms and a t-shirt to sleep in. I don’t know why I suddenly feel so nervous, but I do.
He looks like he’s sleeping as I crawl into bed; I don’t want to wake him. So, very quietly, I slide over until my chest’s pressed against his back, one arm tucked under my pillow, the other wrapped around him. I hear him suck in a breath as my hand brushes over his stomach, before covering his heart with my hand. He places his hand over mine, linking our fingers together.
He takes a deep breath, “I wanted to come here with you this weekend, so we could celebrate his life. When things didn’t work out the way I planned, I did what I always do—I self-destruct. Believe me when I tell you that I wanted you here; I just didn’t want you to see me like that. ” He draws in a breath and then continues. “You have no idea what it means to me to know that you still love me. I love you so much and I promise when tomorrow comes all your questions will be answered. ”
Not long after, his breathing slows, letting me know he’s sound asleep. Tomorrow, after all the waiting and wondering I’m finally going to have all of him. So why does that make me feel uneasy? I spend the night lulled by the steady pulsing of his heart, knowing he’s safe. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.