I wake up this morning with a sense of dread coursing through my veins. Today’s the third anniversary of Brady’s death. A part of me is happy that Riley is here with me this year so I won’t be alone. The other part of me is miserable because I have to be the one to tell her how he died. I’m also afraid that once she has all the answers to her questions, she’ll run as far away from me as possible. Losing her would kill me; I would cease to exist….
If my stomach wasn’t so queasy, I would have jumped out of bed by now. Riley’s been in the kitchen cooking breakfast for about forty minutes. I hate to disappoint her, but I don’t know if I can swallow a thing. She’ll be coming to get me soon, so I need to take a quick shower and brush my teeth.
As I start to get up, she comes walking into the bedroom. “I was just coming to wake you. Breakfast is ready. ” She looks tired. Obviously she didn’t sleep well.
“You shouldn’t have gone through all that trouble. ” She looks hurt, so I quickly add, “You’re spoiling me too much. Just let me use the bathroom, and I’ll meet you in the kitchen. ” I give her a quick kiss on the head before walking out the door.
As I head towards the kitchen, I stop to scan the wall of photographs. Looking back at me is the smiling face of my baby brother, the light of my life. I never thought in a million years I could ever love someone as much as I loved him, but I do—she’s waiting for me in the kitchen. Bringing my two fingers to my lips I then reach out to touch his picture as Riley wraps her arms around me from behind. I didn’t know she was there.
Turning around I draw her close to me. She molds to my body with such precision, it’s like she was made just for me. We stand in the hallway, clinging to one another, our hearts beating as one.
“Breakfast is getting cold. ” Grabbing her around the waist I urge her forward.
Taking my phone off the charger I scroll through my messages while Riley fixes our plates. She sits down beside me as I’m reading my text messages. I can’t believe how many there are over the last three days. When I see the ones she sent me I feel guilty for what I’ve put her through; she really does love me. Now I feel like an ass because my friends were worried about me and I was too drunk to give a shit.
When I glance up I catch Riley staring at me; she hasn’t taken one bite of food either. Reaching over to grab her hand I thread her fingers through mine. “I’m sorry you went through all the trouble of making this big breakfast; neither one of us has much of an appetite.” She shakes her head, confirming what I already knew.
She takes a deep breath. “Last night when you fell asleep, I stayed awake so I could feel your heartbeat under the palm of my hand. I just needed to hear you breathe. Knowing you were safe right next to me was more important than any amount of sleep I would have had. ”
I tug on her hand gently. “Come here, baby. ” When she walks over I tuck her in my lap and hold her tightly to me. Her hands immediately tangle with my shirt and her face nuzzles my neck. She’s exactly where she needs to be right now—safe in my arms.
“Today’s going to be a difficult day for me, but when everything’s out in the open and there are no more secrets between us, it will bring us closer than ever before.” When she looks up at me I see fear in her eyes.
“You’re not the only one who has secrets. So do I. ” Her voice is just above a whisper. “I had a visitor stop by to see me last week, which was the reason for my tantrum at your apartment. ” Then she precedes to spend the next half hour telling me about my mother’s visit, and the talk she had with her dad that led her back to me.
There’s no way I can sit here without exploding. I need to go for a run before I end up punching holes in the fucking walls. I’ve never been as angry as I am right now, and my mother just lost any chance she might have had of me ever being a part of her life, ever again.
When I cup her face, her eyes open wide. She has to know how pissed I am because I can feel my body trembling with rage. “Riley, I want you to know that I’m not mad at you for what happened. Now that you explained everything to me it makes me love you more knowing you would put my needs before your own. But right now you have to understand that I need to be alone because I’m beyond livid at my mother right now.” I brush my thumb across her cheekbone before capturing her mouth with mine. This is the first taste I’ve had of her in a fucking week, and although this woman hasn’t asked anything from me since she’s gotten here, this is my way of telling her I still need and want the same things she does.
As we break apart I hear her groan. I can’t help but smile… she’s amazing. “I won’t be long, I promise. ” I kiss her on the nose before heading upstairs to change.
Unfortunately, as I run, the only thoughts I have are of my mother and how I’m going to pay her back for what she’s done. If her little scheme would have worked, Riley and I wouldn’t be together right now. What I don’t understand is why she would have lied, what could she possibly gain from this situation? I make a mental note to discuss this with Scott when we get home; he might have an answer for me.
My run did relieve some of my anger; unfortunately I have another hurdle to cross and this one’s more important to me than my mother ever could be. As I get closer to the cottage my only concern right now is how to tell Riley about my brother’s death; hopefully she won’t blame me like everyone else does.
While Hunter went for his run I decided to clean up the mess I made this morning. I swear I used every pot and pan I could find to cook breakfast; now it’s all packed in containers in the fridge. I had no intention of spending so much time making all that food but I had so much nervous energy that I needed to do something.
He was true to his word. He hadn’t been gone for more than an hour. Now he’s taking his sweet time in the shower, driving me even crazier with worry. I decide to go sit out on the back deck. Maybe the sound of the ocean will help me relax.
As I lean my head back against the rocking chair, I close my eyes. My thoughts become all fuzzy as I feel myself drifting off, but then I hear the squeaking of the screen door. I take a deep breath knowing it’s time for all the answers to my questions. I thought I’d be ready when the time came. I’m not.
When I open my eyes he’s leaning on the deck railing. He’s so gorgeous with the sunlight shining off his golden hair that he steals the very breath from my lungs. He shoves his hands deep inside his pockets as he turns around and catches me watching him. His eyes are hauntingly sad, making me want to take all his pain away. When I reach out to him, he shakes his head.
“You have to promise me that no matter what I tell you in the next few minutes or however long it takes, you won’t regret what we’ve had. I couldn’t live with myself if you did. ” His voice cracks.
I look directly into those blue eyes. “No matter what you tell me, I could never regret being with you, not even for a second. ”
As he looks up to the heavens, he inhales deeply. “Since the day he was born—well, almost—he had a smile on his face. He had an excitement about him that was infectious; everyone around him couldn’t help being drawn in. ” He’s smiling as he remembers. “He had such a positive outlook on everything and everyone; in his mind the glass was always half full. For example, I remember on a rare occasion when my parents were having dinner with us he asked my mother for an e-reader. He loved to bury his nose in a book. She told him he would have to do chores for a week to earn it, so he busted his butt after school to finish his chores and get his homework done. The bitch never bought it for him. You want to know what he said? “Mom’s been busy; she must have forgotten. It’s no big deal. ” I bought him his e-reader a few days later. I didn’t forget. ” He scrubs his hands over his face before crossing his arms.
“I told you we spent our summers at the cottage with our grandparents. It was his favorite time of the year; he would tell everyone it was even better than Christmas. So when I received the phone call about the accident, my whole world came crashing down. His smile suddenly became a frown. I felt helpless. ” He guzzles a bottle of water before continuing.
“So one day I suggested he and I have a bro’s night out—grab a bite to eat, then head to a movie. It was the first time I had seen him smile in days. That’s all he talked about. He wanted to go see
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
. He loved anything with wizards and shit, like
Harry
Potter
. ” Suddenly he can’t stand still; he starts pacing back and forth along the deck. “My mother didn’t allow him to eat fast food, so he insisted we go eat at McDonald’s. After leaving, we went straight to the movies so we could catch the seven o’clock show. Even after everything he had eaten he still wanted a soda and a tub of popcorn. I swear that kid had a bottomless pit. ”
Hunter hasn’t made eye contact with me once since he started talking. His constant pacing is causing butterflies in the pit of my stomach.
“All the way home he kept thanking me for such a great night, but I noticed after a few miles, he became restless. When I asked him what his problem was, he told me he needed to go to the bathroom. I purposely asked him before we left the theater if he needed to go—he told me no. At that point I got angry at him; I was supposed to meet someone as soon as we got back.” He glances up at me, his eyes are filled with agony. When I reach out to touch him, he flinches away.
“Please Riley, let me finish before I lose my nerve.” He takes a shaky breath. “I saw a small convenience store up ahead so I pulled in by the restrooms. I knew they always keep them locked, so I told him to run in and get the key while I texted someone. He jumped out of the Jeep and raced into the store and that’s when I heard a popping noise. When I looked up I saw this scrawny looking kid come flying out the door. That’s when it hit me that the sound I just heard was a gunshot. I don’t even remember getting out of the Jeep. The next thing I know I’m holding Brady in my arms—and thinking there’s so much blood—I kept telling him he’s going to be okay. I just wanted him to know I wasn’t angry at him because he kept telling me he was sorry, over and over again. That’s when he took his last breath on this earth and it was all My. Fucking. Fault!” He hits his chest to emphasize the point.
The last thing I remember is shoving my hand over my mouth to stifle the keening that’s rising in my throat, then everything goes black.
Once my eyes flutter open, I see the concern on Hunter’s face. He’s holding a cool towel against my forehead. That’s when I realize I fainted. I circle my arms around his neck as he lifts me up and sets me on his lap, cradling me in his arms. The only sound in the stillness of the room is the beating of our hearts and our accelerated breathing. For whatever reason I can’t seem to get close enough to him. It’s like I want to crawl inside of him. The impact of what he just told me is too much for me to accept. I can’t help the tears that spill down my cheeks.
“Shh; don’t cry, baby. ” He’s rubbing his hands up and down my back trying to comfort me. I should be consoling him.
Then it hits me, now I know why he hates it when I tell him I’m sorry. Those were the last words his brother spoke to him. Oh my God…. . oh my God…. .
I pull away so I can look at him; he’s not crying but his eyes tell me everything. I cup his face in my hands. “Hunter, you are not to blame for Brady’s death. ”
In a quiet voice he says. “Yes, I am. I was more concerned about my hookup for that night than I was about taking care of him…”
I don’t even give him a chance to finish. “Listen to me. The boy who pulled the trigger is the one responsible for his death, not you. ”
His eyes lock on mine. “You weren’t there when my parents came to the hospital. Instead of consoling me after what I just witnessed, my mother
slapped me.
They both blame me to this day for the death of their youngest son—it was my responsibility to keep him safe. ”
“Do you think if you had gone inside that store to get the key things would have happened differently? Is that why you’ve blamed yourself all these years? You wish he had killed you instead of Brady?” I see the answer in his eyes.
I don’t give him a chance to speak. “So if Brady had lived and you were the one who was killed, what kind of life do you think he would have had? His grandparents are dead, his big brother is dead, and so that leaves his parents. We all know how loving they are, right? Do you think he would have been happy, when everyone that he loved was gone?” My heart’s breaking for him right now but I need him to understand. I straddle him so I can wrap my arms around him. I can feel his tears as they trickle down my neck. Now I’m going to comfort him like I should have done from the start.
“Hunter, sometimes things happen for a reason that we can’t explain. Some would say that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I say sometimes bad things happen to good people. The one thing that you were responsible for was giving him the happiest ten years of his short life… he was always smiling
because of you
. ” He takes a shuddering breath as he looks up at me.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this woman who’s looking at me with such love and compassion in her eyes. She has no clue that what she just told me is what I’ve been longing to hear since the day he died. It amazes me how she knows the right thing to say just at the right moment, which makes me love her even more.
What surprises me is how she gets me; it’s almost like she knows me better than I know myself. Riley can take one look at me and know what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. It’s a bit unnerving. But it’s one of the reasons I’ve fallen crazy in love with her; we’re good together and I don’t want to be with anyone else but her, ever.
I feel horrible that she passed out. Luckily I was able to reach her in time before she slid to the floor. I’m sure it had something to do with her not eating all day as well as the horror of what I told her. Actually I gave her a lighter version of what happened; I didn’t want to give her a play by play description of what I had to witness.
“Thank you for not giving up on me, for believing that I’m worth fighting for. ” I trace the outline of her face with my fingertips. “You’re so beautiful, inside and out. ” Lifting her chin up with my index finger I press a tender kiss to her moist lips. When I feel her body swaying against mine I pull back so I can observe her; she looks like she’s ready to pass out again.
Picking her up I lay her gently on the couch, raising up her head with a few pillows before getting her a glass of water. “Riley, you need to drink some water and have something to eat. ”
“I’m fine, I just got a little dizzy there for a minute.” She takes a few sips.
“You already fainted once today; I’m not going to let it happen again. You stay put while I warm up some food for the both of us. ” Glancing back at her I make sure she hasn’t budged before heading into the kitchen.
With a plate in each hand I walk into the living room; she’s sitting up when I get there.
I hand her a plate before asking, “How are you feeling?” I sit down next to her.
“I’m fine… stop worrying about me. ” She smiles up at me as we begin to eat our first meal of the day. I must admit I was hungrier than I thought; Riley even finished everything on her plate too.
I want to move on from all this depressing talk, but I know by the way she keeps looking at me that she still has questions. “What are you thinking, baby?” No time like the present.
She shrugs her shoulders. “I guess I want to know if they caught the boy who killed Brady?”
“The store owner who called 911 gave the dispatch a description of the kid; they found him two blocks away. ” When I grab our plates to bring them into the kitchen she stops me. Damn it.
“Hunter, is he in jail?” Her fingers dig into my arm.
“No he’s not in jail, he’s dead. Two kids died that night because of fifty-three dollars and a fucking carton of cigarettes. ” I storm out of the room because suddenly I need air…
I walk out onto the deck and sit in my grandfather’s chair. Leaning my head back against the solid wood, listening to the waves crashing against the shore. This time when I close my eyes I see Brady body boarding with a huge smile on his face. Those are the memories I want to treasure for the rest of my life.
I wake up to a gentle nudging. “Hunter, please come to bed. ”
When I open my eyes I see Riley holding out her hand to me. I didn’t realize I was so exhausted. Taking her small hand in mine I let her lead me upstairs to my bedroom.
Once we slide under the covers she snuggles up to me so I can fold her in my arms. Her back’s against my chest and I feel every curve of her body as I glide my hand gently up and down her silky skin.
Is it wrong for me to want her so badly? Is it wrong to want to replace the bad memories that are burned into my retina with new ones of Riley? To be able to look in her eyes as I make love to her, to feel her shatter beneath me? Suddenly, I can feel my heart pounding in my ears, my pulse racing. I’m consumed with a need unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I need Riley now.
“Hunter, what’s wrong?” She turns to face me as she places her hand over my heart.
“Baby, I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but I need you like an addict needs a fix right now. ” I lean my head against hers. When her hand slides down my stomach into my shorts and wraps around me, I can’t breathe.
Cupping her face with my hands I crush my mouth to hers, parting her lips with my tongue. Every stroke of my tongue matches the stroke of her hand inside my boxers and it’s driving me into a frenzy. When she runs her thumb over the tip I’m ready to explode. Fuck.
I quickly pull away as she looks at me with half-hooded eyes. I straddle her as I tug on her shirt so I can lift it over her head. Her arms come up so I can slide it off; my hands immediately take the shirt’s place and I hear a moan escape her. Her nipples harden under my touch which sends a shiver through her body. Her hands glide up my arms and tangle in my hair. She pulls me down, nipping my bottom lip before sucking it into her mouth.
She whimpers, “Hunter, I need you inside me. ”
Slipping my fingers inside the waistband of her panties I slide them down her perfect legs. Pulling mine off I throw them on the floor next to hers.
Leaning my weight on my elbows I position myself between her thighs, her wet heat pressing against me. Her eyes connect with mine. “Riley, I’m going to make love to you, nice and slow. I want to watch you and feel you as you come apart beneath me. I want to remember this moment forever. ” I see a tear slip down her cheek, so I catch it with my lips, as I slide inside her.
I cup her face with my hands so I can watch her as I glide in and out of her. Her legs are wrapped around my hips, her hands gripping my arms. Her eyes are closed when I capture her mouth with mine. I part her lips with my tongue so I can explore every inch of her. She slides her hands up my arms and tangles them in my hair, tugging me down closer to her. When I hear her moan I pull out of her almost completely. Her eyes open as she stares at me.
“Tell me what you want, baby?” I ask her as my own need wants to take over.
“I want you Hunter; only you. ” She arches her hips.
“You have me, forever. ” When her eyes lock on mine, I thrust inside her.
Our bodies are slick with sweat as the desire to go slow is forgotten; now it’s hard and fast as her body rocks against mine. I can feel her start to tremble underneath me, so I lean my head against hers. With our eyes still connected, she says, “I love you so much baby; come with me. ”
As our eyes close and I crush my mouth to hers we shatter into a million pieces, both of us with each other’s names on our whispering lips.