Authors: Lea J.
Ryder
What just happened?
Completely shocked, I stand in the doorway as Aaliyah storms out of the front door. Paris licks her lips and sits on my bed. How could my surprise for Aaliyah turn into such a nightmare? I decided to surprise her tonight, so I sprinkled rose petals on the floor, bed and other furniture and brought some candles from the attic to light before she arrives. She had no idea I was planning a surprise for her, when I prepared everything. I meant to call her and ask her to stop by. I would wait for her on the bed, a bouquet of roses in my hands, and hug her tightly. I finally wanted to tell her that I am in love with her, that I love her with all my heart, and later also show her. But now it all fell to pieces. Paris stopped by just as I was about to hit the shower. She came to ask me to
lend
her some textbook, because she forgot hers in school, and she had to write a paper, and needed that textbook. I showed her where she could find it, and told her I was going to take a shower. When I returned to the room, she was still there, sitting on my bed.
“
Do you need anything else?” I asked in surprise, while searching for a clean shirt in the drawer. She quietly approached me and pushed me gently on the bed so I sat down. “What is happening? What are you doing?” I asked right before she sat in my lap and started kissing me. Just as I was about to push her away and ask her what is wrong with her, because she knows I am in a relationship, the door opened and Aaliyah was just standing there, completely crushed, her face ashen pale. I looked at Paris and me, and then it dawned on me how it must all look to Aaliyah. Like we were about to have sex. Disgusted, I pushed Paris away and ran to Aaliyah to try to explain, but she wouldn’t listen to me. My heart was breaking as she was standing by the door, teary-eyed and disappointed.
“What is wrong with you?” I angrily stalk toward Paris and raise my voice. “Why did you do that? You know I love Aaliyah!” I see disgust on her face when she hears Aaliyah’s name. She moves closer and puts her hands on my chest. I shove them away and take a few steps back. Turning around, I angrily run my fingers through my hair. “Speak!” I demand. She jumps and takes a couple of steps forward.
“
I’m sorry,” she says and looks to the floor, “I still love you, and I wanted to convince you you’re still in love with me, too. Just a few kisses and you would realize Aaliyah was a mistake.” I clench my fists and turn away from her. I need to take some deep breaths to calm myself, so I don’t hit her—I don’t hit women.
“
I can’t believe it. It’s like I don’t know you at all. We both agreed it’s best if we break up because there was no spark in our relationship anymore. And Aaliyah was never a mistake. She is the best thing that
ever
happened to me, and it’s your fault I don’t even know if she will still want to be with me.”
“
Ry, honey…” she approaches and wants to put her hand on my cheek.
“
Stay away from me, don’t come closer,” I grab her hand to prevent her from touching me.
“
Ry, honey,” she repeats, “I love you, I just wanted to be with you. I thought if I got rid of Aaliyah, you’d be mine again.” My eyes widen incredulously and I look at her.
“
What do you mean, get rid of her? What did you do?” She drops her head and doesn’t respond. “Tell me!” I demand. She is startled by my harsh voice and she gives me a look, full of tears.
“
I’m sorry, I just wanted to prove to you that you still have feelings for me.”
“
What…did…you…do?” I
stress each word sharply and come really close to her. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. “TELL ME!” I yell and she jumps.
“
I sent her a message from your phone that you were waiting for her with a surprise.” I clap a hand to my head and shake it. That is why Aaliyah was early. I sit down, put my head between my knees and just sit there. “Ryder?” Paris moves closer. I’ve never been so angry in my life.
“
Get the fuck out of here, I never want to see you again!” Rage is boiling inside me and it
won’t
let go.
“
Ry, please…” Paris says desperately.
“
Out! I don’t want to see your face again. You ruined my life.” I push her out the door and slam it shut. I slam my fist into the wall so hard, blood starts running down my knuckles. Anger is replaced by pain,
not the pain in my hand, but the one in my heart. I lost Aaliyah, probably for good.
Aaliyah
I am walking in heavy rain, numb. I was so shocked I couldn’t call a cab, so I decided to walk home. I don’t even feel the rain falling down on me, all I feel is unbearable pain in my heart. I don’t know if it will ever let go. How could he do this to me? I thought we had something special. I can’t believe I opened my heart to him, but he just took it and crushed it. And he had to do it with Paris.
After a good hour of walking in the rain I finally get to my room, soaked to my bones. No, I didn’t go straight home, I had to get away from everybody and be alone for some time. I am shaking from the cold and the wet clothes, but I am still numb with the pain he inflicted on me. I enter the room, put down
my
purse and sit down. Addison is by my side in a second, surprised to see me home already, and soaked.
“
What happened to you? You look terrible.” I am silently sitting on the bed, staring blankly ahead, not bothering to respond. “Are you okay?” She kneels by my side and looks me in the eyes, but my gaze is still blank and I’m looking past her into unknown. “What is wrong?” I don’t answer, so she breaks the silence. “Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.” She helps me change
,
and I’m still silent. I pull a long shirt over my head, climb into the bed, turn to the wall and cover myself up. Addison brings me tea, but I
don't touch i
t. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I close my eyes and I soon fall asleep from exhaustion.
“Ow, my head is going to explode,” I say as I wake up and sit up in bed.
“
Morning,” Addison says carefully. Memories of yesterday hit me with full force and I feel sick to my stomach again. I look at Addison, and I feel sorry for ignoring her yesterday.
“
Hey,” I give her a bitter smile.
“
Want to talk?” Addison asks me hesitantly. I shake my head. “What happened?” Huh, so much for not wanting to talk. I close my eyes and look away. “Ryder called and asked me if you arrived home safely. What happened? His voice was desperate and it sounded like he was crying. He never cries. Did you guys have a fight?” I snort and let out a sarcastic laugh.
“
A fight, yeah right, that’s not the right word. We broke up.” She covers her mouth with her hands and gives me a sad look.
“
How? Why? I mean, I’m a little confused—you looked so happy together, and now you are broken up. What happened?” A tear rolls down my cheek.
“
Ask Ryder or Paris, I’m sure they could explain,” I say harshly. I immediately regret using that tone, but the pain is still fresh and I’m not in the mood to talk. “Look, I’m sorry, I don`t want to be rude, but I really don’t want to talk right now. I just want to go back to sleep.”
“
I don’t like seeing you like this, please, you can trust me.” I take a deep breath, and because it is so hard to have all the anger and pain bottled up inside me, I indulge her and tell her everything that happened.
“
What a bitch!” she exclaims when I finish. “I can’t believe she did this.” She’s waving her arms in the air, completely shocked.
“It’s not just her fault. Ryder had his hands on her and she was kissing him
. If he didn’t want that, he would have pushed her away and told her off.” She is still shaking her head.
“
I can’t believe Ryder would do something like that. He is not like that. What did he say when you caught them?” I sigh, closing my eyes.
“
Nothing. I didn’t let him speak, I just stormed out. I couldn’t look them in the eye, I was so disgusted. God, I feel so…so… I don’t know. You know how it’s like when you’re in love. I finally tore down the walls around me I spent so many years putting up and opened my heart to love, and in the end I was humiliated. Why does love make you so vulnerable? I gave him my heart, and he stepped on it and crushed it into a million pieces. I put up the walls as an impenetrable shield so nothing would hurt me and then I met him. He came into my life so unexpectedly and helped me make sense of my chaotic life. I gave him a part of me – heck, I gave him the whole me.” I’m crying, my head in my hands, and Addison is quietly stroking my back. She knows I cannot be consoled. How did this happen to me? I didn’t ask for it, but his smile and our first kiss seduced me so much I wasn’t myself. Love took me hostage and now it hurts. It hurts so much and it’s a horrible feeling. “Ugh, I hate love.”
Chapter 18
Aaliyah
It’s been a week since I caught Ryder and Paris together. The pain in my chest is still unbearable, but I’m trying to live with it. The first few days, I didn’t even leave the room, because I was afraid to run into him. To pass the time, I studied, I only went to class when I had to take an exam, and I told Patrick I was sick. I don’t know if I’ll be ever able to get rid of the pain that overwhelms me, but I’ll try each day to make it a little better. Everybody already knows Ryder and I broke up, and the feeling of being watched on the street, people whispering ‘that’s her’, is horrible. Noah called me this morning and offered to pick me up because we are working together tonight. I happily accepted. Any company is great, just so I don’t think about
him
. My relationship with Noah is slowly returning to normal. I still sometimes catch him watching me dreamily, but he knows we can’t be anything more than friends. Ryder’s calls won’t stop. He sent me a billion message
s, but I instantly deleted them
. It hurts too much to read what he wrote. I don’t answer his calls, because I’m afraid if I heard his velvety voice I would break down in a second. I miss him, I admit, he has become an important part of my life, but I can’t forgive him for cheating on me.
“
Hey, how are you?” Noah gives me a sympathetic look as I sit in the car and put on the seatbelt. I smile bitterly.
“
Okay, not that I have any other choice.” We drive to Mirage in silence and head toward the back part of the club to get ready, both deep in thought. Today is Saturday and it’s karaoke night. There are a lot of people coming again and this is great, because I’ll be able to forget about
him
for a few hours. I can’t even pronounce his name anymore, that’s how much he hurt me.
“
Hi, Aaliyah,” I raise my gaze, Addison’s voice surprising me.
“
Oh, hey, what are you doing here? Didn’t you say you wouldn’t be coming tonight?” She shrugs.
“
The guys thought it would be nice to relax, since we’re all exhausted from studying, so here we are.” I look to the table Addison just pointed to and
he
is also there, sitting and watching
what I’m doing. I quickly avert my gaze and turn back to Addison.
“
Why is
he
here? I don’t want to be near him.” She puts her hand on mine and gives me a compassionate look.
“
I’m sorry, but he heard you’ll be working today and he insisted on coming with us.”
“
Okay,” I say angrily, “but make sure he stays away from me.” Noah walks past me, sees Addison and says hi.
“
Oh, you’re all here,” he says to her. “What are you drinking? I’ll take the order from you guys.” I let out a sigh of relief
as he says that,
and I give him a grateful smile. He nods and brings them the drinks Addison ordered.
I feel his eyes on me the whole time, but I ignore him and never look in their direction. I am in the middle of putting the dirty glasses in the dishwasher and wiping the ones I just washed.
“Aaliyah,” I hear Ryder’s desperate voice from behind me. My knees start shaking when he says my name. Closing my eyes, I walk away. He follows me, so I turn around and stop.
“
Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you.”
“
Please, just listen to me.” I shake my head and go to
a
table of twelve. When I return behind the
counter,
he is back at his table. Karaoke is in full swing. I heard many famous songs being performed, and Addison is on the stage right now, singing
The Time of My Life
from the movie
Dirty Dancing
with Jackson. I watch them dreamily, love shines in their eyes, they are deeply in love and would never hurt each other.
“
Ugh,” escapes my mouth as I think about Ryder again. I hope Patrick doesn’t fire me for what I am about to do, but I feel deep inside that I have to do it.