Becca (14 page)

I hurried up the stairs, hoping to make it to our room before I lost it and began to sob again. I flopped onto the bed and buried my face in the pillow and let out a scream. It was just a minute later the bed moved under Tasha’s weight. She ran her hand down my back.

“It’s okay, honey.” she said.

“I killed him.”

“Who?”

I sobbed and told her what happened. She reassured me, much like Dad did. It wasn’t working. And I know she’s pretty upset, too. I can hear her sniffling. I haven’t looked up to see if she’s crying, but she had to be.

“Becca, it’s like a cop, okay? Someone bails out of a vehicle after a high speed chase and waves their hand at the cop and the cop shoots him. He has to. And sometimes it’s not a gun the guy was waving, sometimes it’s a cell phone. Does that mean the cop shouldn’t shoot?”

“It’s not the same.”

“It’s exactly the same, honey.”

Maybe she’s right. At least I know she doesn’t blame me or think I’m a murderer. I turned onto my back and I could see that she was crying too. I thought so.

“I’m okay, Tasha.”

“I know you are. Everything is fine, Becca.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“But I’m in love with you. You aren’t in love with me.”

“I might be.” she said, smiling. “I’m trying.”

“You shouldn’t have to try, Tasha. Either you love me or you don’t.”

“No,” She leaned forward and kissed me. “I’m trying to get out of my own way, because I
think
I really am in love with you.”
 

Seriously? She thinks she could be in love with me. Yes! Well if one thing could cheer me up, that’s it. I love her so much.

“Tasha, do you want to have kids some day?”

“Well we haven’t gotten past second base yet, you’re a little early.” she said, giggling.

“Second base? Wait, what is that, anyway?”

“I always thought second base was like getting each other off.” she said. “Ya know, manually. Whatever.”

“What I’m trying to say is that I love you. But Dad made a point earlier. What if you want a kid?”

“Do you?”

“Honestly, with everything going on, I have no idea. I mean I like kids, but it’s crazy right now. Plus I'm only seventeen, so...”

“What is this about?” she asked, laughing. “Getting kind of serious, aren’t you, hon?”

“I am serious, Tasha. But this was Dad’s idea.”

“He wants us to have a kid?”

“No. He asked me what if you and I didn’t work out because you wanted a kid.”

“Oh.” She hugged me. “I’m not there yet, Rebecca.” she said. “I’m getting there. And if I have a kid some day, I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to raise it with.”

“Thank you.”

“But Becca, I said I wanted time to make sure this is what I want.”

“I know. Trust me, no pressure.”

She laid next to me and snuggled up against me. She does love me. She thinks she may be
in love
with me. If this is because of all the stress of what we’re going through, if this is because all the available guys are dead, it’s all worth it. Okay, that’s not true. But that doesn’t mean I can’t find one bright light in all this dreariness.
 

“What would our kid be like?” she asked.

“Huh? I don’t know.”

“We’d have to teach her all the girly stuff. It’s not like she’ll be able to read magazines or watch television to see any of that.”

“We could still get magazines.”

“But she’d have to learn how to be tough and take charge, like you.”

“And how to comfort others like you do.”

“You’re Mom is a really good cook, so maybe she’d teach her granddaughter some of that?”

“I think she’d freak out if she had a granddaughter at this point.”

“What if we had a boy? We both suck at sports.”

“Dad could help there, maybe.” If he isn’t too angry about having a grandson from his lesbian daughter’s girlfriend.

Tuesday, May 10
^th
 

I stayed up all night. I wanted to make sure Bridget was asleep before I snuck down here.

Today is her fourteenth birthday. A special day for her. I’m not letting this messed up situation ruin it for her.

It was still dark outside when I finished frosting the cake. Tasha was with me by then. She had slept a few hours, but then come down looking for me about four A.M.

“I like the decorations.” she said.

“Oh, thanks.” I hung little streamers around the room.

“You’re working so hard for this.” She said. She came over and leaned her chin on my shoulder from behind. “This is really sweet.”

“I just want Bridget to have a good birthday.”

“What did you get her?” she asked. She nodded at the pile of presents on the table.

“I got her this really cute dress, and a gold necklace and earring set.”

“You’ve put so much thought into this. I hope your mom is up to coming out for it.”

“Me too.”

Mom is
still
sick. She’s gotten just a little better. Not a lot. I’m so worried about her, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve gotten books and tried to find information, but her symptoms point toward pneumonia. We’ve done everything we can for that. There are things she needs done that we can’t really do, but we even brought an oxygen mask and tanks for her. Maybe she just needs more time.
 

“This is it.” Tasha said to me. She kissed my cheek.

“Careful, I don’t want to mess up her name.”

“Sorry.”

“This is what?”

“This is when I knew for sure.”  

“What are you talking about?”

“That I’m completely in love with you, Rebecca Lang. No doubts now.”

I stopped and turned toward her. She’s got tears in her eyes. I started crying. I’ve wanted this so badly. And now she’s saying it. She’s sure now. No going back. No worries that she’ll change her mind. One thing she promised me weeks ago is that she wouldn’t ever tell me she was sure until she absolutely was.

“I love you so much, Tasha.”

“I love you too, angel.” She hugged me and kissed me. “But you better finish your cake. And try not to get tears on it.”

When everyone was awake we hurried Bridget in and sang happy birthday. She cried. It was so cool that it meant that much to her. We even got Mom out to eat some cake. And Bridget loved all her gifts. It was great.

In the afternoon Dad took Bridget out and showed her how to drive. She’s too young, really, but I doubt she’s going to get pulled over and asked for her license. Besides, she was really enjoying it. It was something she always wanted, and he wanted her to be happy on her birthday. We couldn’t take her to Disney World, we couldn’t go to the mall, so he did this for her.

“I know Mom would have wanted to spend some time with you today, make it special.” I told Bridget. I actually went into her room and tucked her in. “She’s going to get better soon, Bridget.”

“I don’t know if she is. Do you really think so, Becca?”

“Yes, definitely.” I bent down and kissed her forehead. “Ya know, you’re growing up so fast.”

“Oh please.”

“Before long you’ll be grown up, married, moving away.” I said, laughing.

“Not likely. I don’t think I’m ever going to find a guy now.”

“David’s available. Hey Amber, your brother and my sister, what do you think?”

“He’s not the only one available in our family.” was Amber’s reply.

“Eww.” Bridget said, laughing. “Not happening. No offense.”
 

“What is it with you Lang women? What, I’m not good enough for any of you?”

“No.” Bridget told her.

“Goodnight. I love you, Bridget.”

I think she may have actually hurt Amber’s feelings the way she said that. That poor girl has no prospects at all. Not even a bratty little boy that may change as he gets older. At least Bridget may one day grow to like David. Amber doesn’t have that.

“Hey,” I stopped in front of Amber’s bed and knelt down. “You’re a sweet girl, Amber. Some day someone is going to be lucky to be with you.”

“Just not you.” she mumbled.

“I’m in love with someone else.”

“If you weren’t, would I even have a chance?”

“Um,” Would she have a chance? I don’t know her well enough to say yes, but I don’t know enough to say no, either. “Maybe when you were older.”  

“Good. So I’ll just wait.”

“Don’t hold your breath, Amber.”

“Hey,” She reached out and grabbed my hand as I was standing up. “I’m glad you’re happy, Becca. Even if I can’t be.”

“Goodnight.”

I went into our room and undressed. I’m sleeping naked. That’s all there is to it. I’m a little nervous about that, but I want to be naked with my girlfriend. Maybe she’ll get naked, too. I can dream.

“I feel bad for Amber.” I said. Probably not the best way to get Tasha in the mood for anything. “I know how much it sucks to want to be with someone you can’t be with.”

“But you
are
with me.” she said. Her hand moved over and rested on my stomach. “You were talking about me, right?”

“I love you, Tasha.” I started crying hard. “It was so hard before you, but now I don’t think I could live without you. Please don’t leave me.”

“I won’t.”

“I can’t do this without you.”

“Becca,”

“I feel like I’m barely holding on anyway.”

“I’m right here.”

“I thought it would be so much better when Dad got here. I thought he’d take over and... and... but he’s just...”

“Too worried about your mom.”

“No, he’s just... he’s not tough enough for this, Tasha. I can’t believe it, but he’s not. He can’t make hard decisions.”

“He’s going through a hard time right now.”

“We all are. I just want him to be my Dad. Instead he’s just this guy that wanders around and doesn’t know what to do.”

“He loves you guys.”

“I know. I love him, you know this isn’t about that. He just... I just wish he’d take charge.”

Thursday, May 12
^th
 

“Hey Dad, Tasha and I are going on a supply run.”