Before Time (The Time Trilogy Book 1) (11 page)

ME:
Oh! I’m sorry!

Impassioned:
No sweetheart, it’s not your fault.

ME:
I really am sorry.

Impassioned:
In order to keep ourselves in darkness, we sometimes turn all the lights off to block all the memories and realities from reaching us. But sometimes, these memories just slip in.

ME:
Yeah, I agree. Sometimes I just want to cry, but have to keep a brave face. Sometimes I just wonder why I am not like other girls.

Impassioned:
I found you very much like other girls, if this is what you are like, honestly.

ME:
I am what I am, and I am not any different in real life.

Impassioned:
Then you are fine. In fact, not many girls would’ve pulled through what you have.

ME:
People who come in contact with me call me psycho.

Impassioned:
What credibility does that someone hold? Is he a certified psychiatrist?

ME:
No!

Impassioned:
Do you love that someone?

ME:
No, I don’t, but I really think I am psycho.

He just smiled.

ME:
Really!

Impassioned:
Like how?

ME:
I get depressed and sad without any reason. I start crying that I’m not pretty.

Impassioned:
Well, there must be some valid reason that you think like that. If you don’t mind, can I see you?

ME:
Don’t! Don’t! Don’t! Your opinion about me will change.

Impassioned:
My opinion is not a political statement and I’m not judging you by physical aspects. It will NEVER change, but at least stop degrading yourself like that.

ME:
Why not? I’ve been rejected numerous times.

Impassioned:
Do you mean proposals, etc?

ME:
Not proposals, but by people. Let’s consider my college mates for example; they always used to make fun of me. It hurt me so much.

Impassioned:
These are only hormonal changes that cause mood swings in you.

ME:
No! I don’t think so.

Impassioned:
Did you ever take contraceptive pills?

ME: Never!

Impassioned:
Always safe sex?

ME:
Yes!

Impassioned:
Do you take sleeping pills?

ME:
I took them when I was sixteen.

Impassioned:
Mood elevators?

ME:
No mood elevators.

Impassioned:
Remember that sexual activity before marriage creates hormonal changes in a girl. Your mood swings might be an effect of that. I heard that from a doctor.

ME:
How come?

Impassioned:
Well, as I heard and read, when a girl has had orgasms during sex or perhaps several orgasms, then it starts a hormonal cycle in a girl. It’s like a machine that turns on, and then the girl needs continuous sex to balance that cycle.

ME:
Hmmm!

Impassioned:
I’m not a doctor, but that sounds pretty understandable.

ME:
Of course it does.

Impassioned:
It’s not possible that even once in your sexual activity you never had an orgasm, so the cycle must be misbalanced now that you are inactive.

ME:
I don’t know, maybe!

Impassioned:
My friend, trust me when I say that you are a normal girl and there is no problem with you. The only problem you have is in your mind.

ME:
Mind?

Impassioned:
Maybe some sort of hormonal imbalance and change of perception.

ME:
Then why do people make fun of me?

Impassioned:
Like what do they say?

ME:
Gorilla! Elephant! How ugly I am! How fat I am!

Impassioned:
How much do you weigh?

ME:
90 kg.

Impassioned:
Your height?

ME:
5 feet, 11 inches.

Impassioned:
That’s almost a man’s height.

ME:
I know! I’m so tall.

Impassioned:
That weight and height balance out.

ME:
They don’t!

Impassioned:
Listen, I really didn’t want to do it, but now I’ll request you to show me your worst picture, if you can.

ME:
My worst picture? There are so many of them.

Impassioned:
Yes, the worst picture that you have, in which I can see you from head to toe.

ME:
OK!

Impassioned:
Promise me that you will send me the worst one.

ME:
Of course! I will show you the one I’m scared of showing anyone.

Impassioned:
Go and find it.

ME:
I’ve got it.

I chose a picture which was only a month old, right before my sister’s wedding. This picture was taken by my sister during another wedding, and I was wearing a sea-green frock with silver heels. I still remember the tantrum I’d thrown when I saw the picture because I looked so broad and ugly. My sister was of the opinion that I looked cute. Anyways, that was the only full-length picture I had, and a gross one at that.

Impassioned:
If you have that much trust in me, then I will consider it Allah’s mercy, as I do not deserve anything
.

Once again, I pasted a link to my picture to him.

ME:
When you have seen it, tell me, I’ll delete it.

Impassioned:
Delete it.

ME:
Done.

Impassioned:
Today, 1oth of December 2010, I broke all of my rules on mIRC.

ME:
You have?

Impassioned:
You are the first girl, I swear, the first one! OK, now listen to me.

ME:
Yes, I’m listening.

Impassioned:
No! You are not a gorilla, of course not an elephant. Yes, a little bit expanded from the thigh, but so are all girls, but you are absolutely nothing like people say. Do you show your irritation when they say all this?

ME:
Yes! All of the Lums channel made fun of me and asked me how much I eat.

Impassioned:
Lums :)

ME:
Yes!

Impassioned:
Have cyber-sex with some of the guys and agree to meet them in real life. Do you think that they will make fun of you?

ME:
Nope, they won’t, and I won’t lower or degrade myself to their status. Never, ever!

Impassioned: I wasn’t asking you to! You are simply hard-to-get; that’s why they are using it as your weakness.

ME:
Why should I be an easy conquest?

Impassioned:
And you are taking it seriously, I can’t believe it. You should never be an easy conquest.

ME:
It is for real.

Impassioned:
Trust me, I’m feeling so sorry that a girl of your caliber let people have sex with you so easily. You deserve more effort than that.

ME:
People say I’m of low caliber.

Impassioned:
That is the thing: we trust the judgment of other people, we believe them and never question them, and therefore, we trust people who hardly know us.

ME:
I guess those are our instincts.

Impassioned:
No, this is the assumption. Your instinct should teach you to resist. One more thing; the world goes after the hard-to-get things.

ME:
Really?

Impassioned:
They use several tactics to bring those hard-to-get people to knees. They do whatever it takes, and they can go to any level to achieve that.

ME:
So I’ve heard.

Impassioned:
With real life people, we can accept that, but people of Lums? What the fuck is Lums? Do you believe such losers?

ME:
Hmmm…not really.

Impassioned:
Please, I expect more than that from you. Listen, why did you trust me?

ME:
I really don’t know. I just felt that you understand me.

Impassioned:
Didn’t your instinct tell you anything here?

ME:
It did.

Impassioned:
I understand you maybe more than you understand yourself at this very moment.

ME:
How?

Impassioned:
You trusted me only because you have a sense of inner truth that allows you to understand my words—I’m not being a smart alec or superior. Most people would think that was the case.

ME:
Like some people here on mIRC
.

Impassioned:
Absolutely.

ME:
I knew it.

Impassioned:
I have to tell you something. It’s been YEARS since I had a private chat with anyone, since I opened my heart to anyone on mIRC or real life. I have absolutely have no aims with you. I have no reasons to cheer you up; you are a perfect stranger to me; I haven’t even asked your name and I never will. I’m saying what I’m feeling at this moment. I feel every heartbeat of yours, sitting millions of miles away.