Before Time (The Time Trilogy Book 1) (22 page)

Impassioned:
The one who doesn’t respect himself doesn’t deserve respect from others; learn to respect yourself first.

ME:
I don’t want to respect myself. I know I’m not good enough. I have tried to understand the reason for your behavior, but it has eluded me. I just want to know the exact reason.

Impassioned:
You want me to argue and fight like a child? I won’t do it, because I’m different. I don’t say all this just to impress you, I say it because I’m different at heart, mind and soul. After all your experiences, if you don’t know your mistakes, there is no reason to talk about them.

ME:
I don’t want to argue or fight, but I’m sure that there’s been a misunderstanding.

Impassioned:
Argue/fight is the same thing.

ME:
You should clear it up.

Impassioned:
Alright, you want to talk?

ME:
Yes, I want to know what’s wrong.

Impassioned:
So, do you think that you are twenty years old but you are mature because of your experiences?

ME:
First, we will clear the previous misunderstandings, and then we will come to this topic.

Impassioned:
Do you think I’m an idiot who would leave the current topic and start another one? So, do you think that you are twenty years old, but you are mature because of your experiences?

ME:
NO! You are not an idiot, and yes, to your second question.

Impassioned:
Correct. I believed the same thing UNTIL the moment I realized another thing.

ME:
What was that?

Impassioned:
I realized that there is a six-year difference between you and me. These six years come with a price; you haven’t paid it. It doesn’t matter that how many experiences of life you’ve had, you’re just a twenty-year-old girl who might have had some bad experiences, but the biggest experience that you should’ve had, you did not. That experience is “TIME”. No matter what life circumstances one might face, if that person won’t be old enough to understand what actually happened, then there is no maturity, no extraordinariness.

ME:
Listen to me now!

Impassioned:
NO, I WON’T!

ME:
YOU HAVE TO!

Impassioned:
It’s not about the songs. Listen to me first.

ME:
Okay.

Impassioned:
Therefore, first stop believing that you are some sort of “experienced girl” who understands everything. You are just a teenager who crossed one more year and turned twenty; that’s it. All the time, you kept saying “songs, songs, songs” and you didn’t even realize your own mistake.

ME:
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HURT YOU! DIDN’T I ASK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN?

Impassioned:
Don’t shout, please.

ME:
Okay.

Impassioned:
Focus on the broader view of this conversation. Please.

ME:
Sure! Please go on.

Impassioned:
When a teacher, trainer or a doctor focuses on a student, athlete or patient, what he wants to see is improvement in the other person, right?

ME:
Yes.

Impassioned:
I invested all my energies, my focus and time into you to make you realize a few things; that you have self-respect, you are not less than others in any way, and it’s Allah who has to decide our fate and punish us for what we have done. NOT the people on mIRC, at college, or anywhere in the world. Did you start respecting yourself? Or even try?

ME:
I tried to see myself differently.

Impassioned:
Maybe. Moving on…

ME:
Yes.

Impassioned:
I tried to make you realize that the people who show affection in meaningless words are worse than a stranger trying to show fake love, did you recognize such people? Or even try?

ME:
Yes, I tried.

Impassioned:
Maybe. Moving on…

ME:
You know how I treat people here.

Impassioned:
*Ignores what you just said and reminds again to “concentrate on a BROADER PERSPECTIVE”*

Impassioned:
okay! Moving on…

ME:
Okay.

Impassioned:
I tried to make you realize that telling your deepest and darkest secrets to others doesn’t actually make you closer to them, or make them feel you trust them. Most of them will think you are an idiot. Did you realize that? Or even try?

ME:
Yes, I realized that.

Impassioned:
These are all the things I tried to make you realize. Then I observed you for changes, but I found NONE OF THEM. You are still the same.

I didn’t know what to say to this. Until today, I didn’t know that he wanted me to change.

Impassioned:
Now, moving on to what happened that day.

ME:
Yes.

Impassioned:
It was just a small joke. I don’t even remember what I wrote, but you got angry. I told you not to act like a child, but you didn’t listen. I decided to stay quiet for a while and use it as an opportunity to see whether whatever energy I was wasting on you is paying off or not. Do you want to know what I saw?

ME:
Yes, tell me.

Impassioned:
You acted worse than a thirteen-year-old girl, and that made the matter worse.

ME:
I don’t take what I say on the main stream seriously.

Impassioned:
BUT I DO.

ME:
You shouldn’t.

Impassioned:
It shows your mentality.

ME:
My mentality is how I talk to you here, not on a channel main.

Impassioned:
Seventy-five percent of the time you spend on mIRC, and you’re telling me that you don’t take this place seriously?

ME:
IRC IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. This was the first thing I learned when I joined mIRC. I don’t take things seriously, but what I talk to you about, I do.

Impassioned:
Well, whoever taught you wasted his time, LIKE I DID, because you never listened.

ME:
Well, I DID! I ignored what he taught me and talked to you.

Impassioned:
What image do you want to create in front of people? That I used you like filth and then threw you down the crapper, OR that you are addicted, weak, and willing to be used like this?

ME:
I don’t give a damn what others think.

Impassioned:
You don’t? That is why you think you are degraded when people mock you? Don’t say what you don’t mean OR don’t do.

ME:
We built up an understanding here, in the private stream, not in front of the people. I don’t believe you should worry about what people on the channel think.

Impassioned:
Fine. Since you are not going to believe me now, because you have blocked your mind to accept every reality, I’ll move on.

ME:
I haven’t blocked my mind, and it is still open for your opinions.

Impassioned:
I’m talking about your general behavior. I don’t know you from real life. I know you from here, and we all know each other from the words we type.

ME:
Yes, I agree.

Impassioned:
When did I see your picture first? Right after the first chat or second chat, I’m not sure.

ME:
Second chat.

Impassioned:
Did I ask you to show me?

ME:
Nope.

Impassioned:
If your picture was what mattered to me, then shouldn’t I have left you then and there, and decided that you’re not worthy of my friendship?

ME:
Yes, but this kind of thing always stays at the back of one’s mind, even though they don’t speak it aloud.

Impassioned:
Who the hell am I to decide who’s worthy of my friendship based on their features or on their real life actions? I don’t consider myself worthy of being friends with anyone. This is not your face; it’s your mind that makes you weak and vulnerable.

ME:
You’re way better than me, and I must be other things, but I’m not weak.

Impassioned:
And how in the hell are you sure that I am better? Maybe I’m a complete fake. The story I told you might be just a mind game, pictures, and words. Everything could be fake, and based on that fakeness, you are negating your own genuine behavior.

ME:
I don’t think that you will ever go so far to deceive me.

Impassioned:
People will and can go EVEN FURTHER THAN THAT.

ME:
Hmm…but you won’t.

Impassioned:
They will do anything to win a girl’s trust. The world’s greatest warrior once said, “I don’t fear people who are physically better than me, I fear people who have control over my mind.” People will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to earn pity, because the strongest of the people can be deceived once they start having pity on you.

ME:
I don’t allow people to come closer to me. And I don’t need anyone’s pity. It irritates me when someone comes and talks to me like that.

Impassioned:
I believe GENUINE people are those who are exactly like they are in real life and here on mIRC.

ME:
I a.m. NOT GENUINE.

Impassioned:
I give up.

ME:
You are right, as always.

Impassioned:
I’m making the worst mistake of my life, trying to make you like I am, while I know you are no one to me and I am no one to you.

ME:
You think this is a mistake?

Impassioned:
Yes it is, because you are lacking six years…six years of life, which are very essential. You can’t make a car run on 200 km/h when the top speed of that car is only 120 km/h.