Before Time (The Time Trilogy Book 1) (26 page)

Impassioned:
I didn’t mean that I can’t even talk to any woman in my life. With you, it’s becoming different, which is not right.

ME:
Different? I don’t understand.

What was he really trying to say? What was so different about us talking? Well, I agreed we were close, but that doesn’t mean that there was love between us.

Impassioned:
You do.

ME:
If you don’t want to talk to me, tell me so, because I will leave.

Impassioned:
There is no use discussing the same thing all over again. I respect you more than you respect yourself. I don’t want you to leave or anything; I just can’t forget my promise.

ME:
It’s alright with me.

Impassioned:
If you understand my pain, then you will understand my commitment as well. Just try to be normal and forget that I even existed. Enjoy your life, but don’t become like me; I’m a dead person.

ME:
Okay! I won’t. You won’t hear from me, but before I leave, I wanted to tell you that I missed you. Take care. Adieus!

Impassioned:
*kisses in the middle of your forehead with extreme pain…my heart…take care*

ME:
Take care.

I didn’t message him again. It was over. According to him, his heart was beating for me and he didn’t want it to. He had made a promise that he didn’t want to break; his promise to a dead person meant more to him than his feelings for a living one. I understood him, but it felt like something was cutting my heart into thousand pieces.

I stayed online but was quiet. He was there too, and whenever I saw his nick in the channel list, electricity seemed to pass through me. I didn’t want to talk to him; I would keep my distance from him. I couldn’t take the suspense anymore. Two hours later:

ME:
Goodnight.

Impassioned:
Restless night to you too.

I shut down my laptop and placed it on the other side of my bed. I wouldn’t think about him. I chanted that in my head over and over again as I plugged my headphones in my ears and played some music. I wanted to stop thinking about him; I meant nothing to him. I was starting to understand, but I wanted the comfort and peace I felt after talking to him. I wanted him to be with me, but that wasn’t possible. With these thoughts in my mind, my eyelids and drooped and I slept.

I don’t remember much about the next three days; only that they were bleak, just like my mood. I went about my daily routine of doing nothing, sleeping most of the time, because I didn’t want to remember the words that echoed loudly in my mind whenever I was awake.

The third day, after I woke up from another nap, I gulped down the cereal my mom had placed on the table for me. I didn’t even care what I was eating anymore.
Today, I will go online,
I decided, because if I didn’t, I knew I would lose my mind. I was warming milk on the stove and burnt my hand. I quickly applied some bandages and cool toothpaste to the burn. After carefully eating my breakfast, I went searching for my laptop.

My eyes scanned through the list of users in the channel and then saw the nick which I was looking for, sitting far down rather than in the operators list.

ME:
Where is your operatorship?

Impassioned:
Operator or no operator, it doesn’t really matter after eleven years on mIRC.

ME:
But you ain’t sitting with me today.

Impassioned:
Sitting next to each other in the nick list doesn’t mean we are sitting together, sweetie.

ME:
for me, it does. By the way, I hope you’re doing great.

Impassioned:
Maybe! What about you? How’s your hand?

I was telling someone about my burnt hand on the main. He must have read about it there.

ME:
It’s alright. I used some bandages and toothpaste. It will get better in a bit. Aren’t you observant? You read everything.

Impassioned:
I have eyes. “Time” is the healer of every wound.

ME:
Of course, I hope it heals you as well.

Impassioned:
This world is based upon hope.

ME:
Of course. If you miss me, you can always buzz me.

Impassioned:
I’m an old man. I don’t understand what “buzz me” means.

ME:
Message me?

Impassioned:
As you say.

ME:
You don’t miss me?

Impassioned:
You want to know something? Your current life pattern allows you to be online all day long. Most of the people enjoy your company because you have time, but time is something that never remains the same. Your interest and life pattern WILL change, and then many people won’t find you here, and they will miss you. Even I will, but I won’t buzz you. How do I know all this? Because I was once like you.

ME:
You won’t. I mean, I know that you don’t want me.

Impassioned:
*sighs*

Impassioned:
I got to go.

ME:
Where?

Impassioned:
Off mIRC.

ME:
Why? You don’t come here anymore; are you avoiding me?

Impassioned:
I’m a tired old man. What do you expect from me? I don’t have the strength, forget it. See ya.

ME:
Then why do you do something that you can’t do?

Impassioned:
Remember, always respect yourself.

ME:
I do.

Impassioned:
Can I kiss you on your forehead before leaving?

ME:
Why? Just tell me something, when will you stop hiding from yourself?

Impassioned:
Can I kiss you on your forehead before leaving?

ME:
when will you stop hiding from yourself?

Impassioned:
Can I kiss you on your forehead before leaving?

ME:
I want to know when?

Impassioned:
I’m sorry, I forgot I can’t stay close to you. Take care.

ME:
I want to know when?

And without answering me, he quit. What a coward he was. He couldn’t reply because he had no answer.

Chapter 17

Impassioned:
How is your hand now?

ME:
Yes, it’s alright. Thanks a lot for asking. Can you do me a favor?

Impassioned:
Depends on what you’re asking.

ME:
Will you listen to this link? I want to dedicate a song to you.

Impassioned:
I’m not into this radio craze at all.

ME:
Okay.

Impassioned:
But I will do it for you.

ME:
NO! Leave it. There’s no need for such a favor.

Impassioned:
Okay, give me the link.

ME:
No! I just wanted you to listen to a song, but there’s no need now. I have a heart too, and you have no right to trample over it again and again. I understand now that I was wrong from the start.

The message tone on my cell phone filled the air, and I picked up my cell phone to read the text. It was from my carrier service provider.

Impassioned:
Was your phone ringing?

ME:
Yes.

Impassioned:
Just dedicate the next song to me.

That conceited, overbearing man! Did he have to order me around for a song as well? My temper rose, and I clenched my teeth to prevent myself from reprimanding him. I was playing the radio, and he had heard me there. I wanted to tell him what I thought of his behavior, but I wouldn’t embarrass him in front of everyone like that.

ME:
What’s the link that you’re listening to?

He provided me with the radio link, which was correct.

Impassioned:
Don’t ask, just play.

ME:
I dedicate the best songs to you.

I played Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” for him that day.

ME:
Despite what you think about me, I do respect myself.

Impassioned:
Everyone should.

ME:
I know the reason why you left. I have also realized that you would never change.

Impassioned:
A bit late, but finally.

ME:
AND nobody can change you until you want to change yourself. A mentally upset person can’t get well until he really wants to get better. Same as the case with you.

Impassioned:
I’m very happy you understood that.

ME:
Until you have the will to live, you will never be happy.

Impassioned:
I don’t want to.

ME:
Yes! You don’t want to. If you liked me, maybe you would’ve wanted to live for me.

Impassioned:
I left England, I left Pakistan, I left my family, and I left everything. I’m here because I don’t want to be with anyone anymore.

ME:
Then, why did you talk to me? You should’ve stayed like that, the way you were.

Impassioned:
I never tried, it just happened. I did nothing special; I just tried to make you realize what you are.

ME:
Did the thought ever cross your mind that it happened because it was supposed to happen? That there must be some reason behind this. Asher, when are you going to stop running from yourself?