Before Time (The Time Trilogy Book 1) (27 page)

Impassioned:
This question is a conversation killer, Onaiza, take care.

ME:
Don’t leave just yet, I don’t want you to go. If you really have feelings for me, you won’t go.

Impassioned:
Never ever challenge a dead-hearted guy. Even if I have feelings for you, I will leave, because when she left forever, I didn’t want her to go as well.

So, it was all about her. I understood his attachment to her, but then, he was running after something that wasn’t real at all. I was trying my best for him to see reality, but he didn’t want to see. He always tried to prove me wrong; I didn’t understand why. What if life was different for both of us? What if we met somewhere else, not here on mIRC, but in real life? If she was alive and with him, would he even give me a second glance? I knew the answer. No. He wouldn’t, because his world revolved around her and only her. Was such a love possible at all? It was right in front of me, but I still wondered if it was possible or not.

I thought of her. She would also belong to him, and my mind conjured a picture that I didn’t want to see. I saw him happy and laughing with her, and my heart burst. I hid my face under the pillow and cried my heart out. He would never be mine; I knew that now.

My mood had changed drastically over the last few days. I always stayed inside my room and rarely talked to anyone. Sarah was out of city for her treatment, and I had nobody else to talk to. I just went upstairs to have dinner or lunch, whichever time it was, because I had lost track of my meals as well. Life seemed bleak, and I didn’t know what to do. Whatever I tried, he just wouldn’t listen. He was rude to me, and that made my heart break.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone else, even my sisters. Aliza asked what the problem was, but I couldn’t tell her. How could I explain my problem to someone when I didn’t understand my problem myself? The next day, as soon as I woke up, I logged in to mIRC and searched the channel list like I used to. It had become a norm to check whether he was online or not.

He was there.

Impassioned:
How is your hand now?

ME:
It’s alright now. Thanks for asking.

Impassioned:
Why do you say that every day? Do you expect me to say that its my job to ask you? How can it be my job?

ME:
How would I know? You should ask yourself or perhaps, you should stop caring.

Impassioned:
Doesn’t your wounds fill up rather too quickly?

ME:
Maybe I don’t tell people what I’m suffering through.

Impassioned:
You are a wise head on young shoulders.

ME:
Thank you.

Impassioned:
Did you start walking?

ME:
Yeah!

Impassioned:
Ok.

ME:
Anything else?

Impassioned:
Don’t push me away, I’m leaving in a bit.

ME:
I’m not pushing you away. I’m only doing what you want me to do.

Impassioned:
If I myself don’t know what I’m doing, then how do you know what I want?

ME:
I know very well. You’re decisionally challenged, which means that you’re hanging in between.

Impassioned:
Between life and death?

ME:
Yes! Life is me and death is her.

Impassioned:
Everyone is, and you are too. I’m very scared of you.

ME:
Why?

Impassioned:
Leave it. Okay, I’m out.

ME:
No! Tell me why.

Impassioned:
When I joined that channel, I never knew who you were. When I used to see your nick, the first few days, it gave me chills down my spine. I never even knew who you were, never saw you chatting, but still I had this weird feeling while watching your nick. I wasn’t even sure whether you are a guy or a gal, but I had a feeling that this will come to this point, and it has. I’m also afraid of myself because there is something that I haven’t shared with you.

ME:
and what is that something?

Impassioned:
Some people love to live with pain. Their situation, life, and time makes them this way. They become like this, even if they don’t want to. I don’t need psychological help to make me realize this, but I’m one of those people who love to live in pain, and this is a psychological disorder. Do you know who is affected the most with this psychological disorder?

ME:
Who?

Impassioned:
Unfortunately, those people associated with such a person in real life, regardless of their relationship with him, are affected the most. I can’t stay away from you, but I like to give myself this pain of being close to you, yet far away, while you are suffering here. Nobody would tell this about himself but I’m telling you.

ME:
Do you really think that? That I’m suffering?

Impassioned:
I’m sure that you are. I’m getting what I want, the lust of pain instead of pleasure, but what about you?

ME:
I want you to have another chance at life, and I know I can make you see life through my eyes.

Impassioned:
And don’t forget that you’ve gone through the same situation in your life, which you regret.

ME:
If you only give us a chance.

Impassioned:
There is no “US”. It’s only “YOU” and “ME”; everyone for himself. One is born alone and dies alone; the rest are all temporary relationships.

ME:
You have to change that.

Impassioned:
I don’t opt for drugs, sex or addictions to give myself pain; I prefer mental pain. At least in order to give myself pain, I won’t regret anything later on, because I accept the reality that I don’t have the courage to die. I have to live and die when my time comes.

ME:
This is not why you’re alive. Why don’t you understand that you’re alive because of a reason, that you have to live your life, however broken you are? You need to live.

Impassioned:
You want me to make you my (girlfriend) (wife) (friend)? Do you actually realize that you are worth more than these specific words and I respect you a lot?

ME:
I don’t want you to make me anything. I just want you to live and experience life.

Impassioned:
And anyways, why would you want “US” to have a chance? As far as I see, there are so many people who would love to be associated with you in many ways. Just because you shared a few dark secrets with me, and I didn’t react like usual idiots, you think I’m a refined person? Maybe I’m worse than the others. People give you time, they talk to you; I always leave you whenever you want me to be with you. I’m an old man, why me, Onaiza?

ME:
Okay, fine, Asher. It’s your life and your own choices. I don’t care about people, especially those who run after me, because it’s not me they are interested in. You also know what they want.

Impassioned:
How do you know that I don’t want the same thing?

ME:
I just know that you don’t.

Impassioned:
I don’t mean to offend or degrade you, but how can I? While I always want you to keep your dignity, it’s just that I don’t want you to get hurt each and every day. That is the only reason. Otherwise, I don’t like convincing you and myself, denying it every day. Therefore, I decided to stay away, and I’m going to make it permanent in a few days.

ME:
You make it permanent, you’ll hurt me more. Keep that in your mind, that you will hurt me more.

Impassioned:
NEVER EVER DEPEND… NEVER, EVER THINK you need anyone. The moment that you will think that, someone will stab you in the heart. You don’t need anyone, REPEAT IT IN YOUR HEART…you’re a special girl. And you can survive.

ME:
I’m not depending on you, I really am not, but you are going to hurt me if you make it permanent. I come here just for you; otherwise, I would’ve run away a long time ago.

Impassioned:
As I said, “time” is the healer of every wound. The wound on your hand healed up real nice; the same is the case with people. First, you will cry, then you will get tired, then you will sleep, and finally, you will forget. Nothing is permanent.

ME:
You’re a fool, Asher. Now, that’s all I’m going to listen from you. Go away. Now, whether I live or I die, it’s none of your concern.

Impassioned:
Not even that we’re violating the basic rules of mIRC, but we’re also feeling something that we shouldn’t feel towards total strangers.

ME:
Right. Anything else, Asher?

Impassioned:
Of course, that’s none of my concern. If you have a clean chit to heaven, please die now, this WORLD isn’t worth living in. But remember, there is a dark grave waiting and we are not prepared for it. Leaving your parents, your siblings, who have a right on you are in NO WAY less than a stranger you met on a chatting software and exchanged a few thoughts.

ME:
I got it now. I already kept my distance from you; I will keep more.

Impassioned:
1: respect yourself 2: you are special 3: DO NOT TRUST ANYONE 4: always keep in your heart that someone's dead heart beats for you 5: start walking 6: a secret remains a secret until it’s shared.

Impassioned:
*kisses in the middle of your head*

Allah Hafiz

ME:
A dead heart can’t beat, so never say that again. And your secrets are safe with me, don’t worry.

But as was his usual habit, he had already left. This time when he left, he took my heart and soul with him too. I felt like a rag doll. I sat there, staring at the screen as I realized that he had left me forever. Was this the happy ending I was expecting? Was he the something wonderful I wanted so badly?

Epilogue

Almost a week had passed since I talked to Asher. He didn’t log in again. I sat there waiting for him every day. I pretended, tried to delude myself into believing that he cared enough for me that he would come back to me once his temper cooled down, but he didn’t. He wasn’t on Skype, either. Apart from that, I had no means of communicating with him. I never asked him from his email, as the thought never crossed my mind that I would need it at all. The number I had for him
was a dummy number which he never used.