Being the Bad Boy's Victim (37 page)

wickedness or evil

~ Oxford University Press, (oxforddictionaries.com)

Darkness was what I woke up to. I couldn’t see anything. I was stuck in the void. My body shook as my eyes looked around, only to be welcomed by more malevolent shadows. Panic rose from within me, and I flailed my limbs in
an
attempt to break away from whatever nightmare I was living in.

“Help!” I wailed, thrashing violently.

A flash of light appeared, and a rush of voices echoed through my head. I felt my eyes open, and was nearly blinded by the bright lights that came from above. A loud beeping noise deafened me, and I winced.

Where am I? 

My eyes shut once more, and it took me a couple of minutes before I could reopen them. When I did, they were able to adjust to the lights, and then I took in my surroundings.  

A hospital. I was in a hospital.

As if on cue, pain flooded through my body, causing me to ache and hiss in discomfort.

“Bella?” The voice was soft, almost cautious. “Bellatrix Brown?”

I cringed at the sound of my real name, but doing so only caused the throbbing pain to grow worse. I tried to respond, but all that came out was a short, scratchy noise. I swallowed slowly before I tried again, but the nurse stopped me.

“It’s alright
,
honey, I want you to just rest. I just needed to confirm your identification before I could notify your parents.” The nurse was sweet and kind, but the obvious pity in her voice made me feel sick to my stomach. She must have noticed my nauseated expression because she quickly spoke once more. “You’ve been through a lot,” she murmured, “I’ll talk to Dr. Kelleher and see if she can give you anything for the pain.”

Yes, I thought to myself, drug me up. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. My eyes trailed after her retreating figure, until she came to a standstill by the doorway.

“By the way, there are three boys in the lobby
…
claiming they’re your friends.”

My brows furrowed in confusion before I realized who they were—Connor, James, and Matt.

“One of them seems worried sick about you,” she continued. “And he keeps saying it’s his fault that
…
” she paused and looked at me. “You may be questioned about that later.”

At that, she briskly left the room, leaving me completely and utterly alone.

I leaned my head back on the bed, watching as the heart monitor moved at a steady pace. An IV protruded from my left elbow, something that made me look away immediately. I’ve always hated needles, and hospitals, for that matter. To me, hospitals smell like Purell and death. A wave of fatigue washed over me, and I found my eyelids slowly but steadily drop before they completely shut, sending me back into the darkness. But this time, it was comforting, and only sent me into a peaceful slumber.

I felt warm fingers graze
my freezing hand. It was a show of affection, one that I easily recognized to be coming from my mother. And indeed, when I opened my eyes, it was her warm brown ones that gazed back at me. The worry creases around her eyes disappeared when she saw me, but as I lay there in silence, they began to fill with tears once more.

“Mum,” I whispered. It was a statement, a plea, a cry for help, but I kept my voice devoid of emotion.

She burst into tears, collapsing into a kneeling position at the side of my bed. My dad, whose eyes were red-rimmed, lifted her up and held her. With his free hand, he grabbed my limp one and gave me a shaky smile.

“You’re a fighter, pumpkin,” he told me softly.

My heart ached in my chest, and I felt the tears build
ing
up. But I refused to let them flow.
Maybe
, I thought to myself
, maybe if I could convince them that I am strong, I would start to believe it, too.

“My baby!” my mother wailed, throwing her head back as more sobs escaped her stress-ridden body.

I wanted to tell her I was okay.

I wanted to tell her
that
everything would be okay.

I wanted her to be okay.

But I couldn’t. All I could do at that point was just stare blankly at my parents. We had gotten into a fight before this all happened. I had stormed out on them, told them I hated them, and then ended up in the hospital, with them wondering if I was still alive.

How could I have done that to them? They didn’t deserve the shit
that
I put them through. Yet, there they were, by my side, probably with no intention of letting me out of their sight. But I had to get them to leave.

I was suffocating, I needed to breathe.

“Mum?” I croaked out.

Her head turned to me as she muted her sobs.

“I
…
I need some time.”

She looked at my dad, and they both looked back at me.

“Connor’s here,” she stated. “So are Jess, James, and Matt.”

I looked down at the tiled floor, the pounding pain inside my head causing my eyes to shut.

“Could you talk to the doctor?” My voice was small, barely audible. “It hurts.”

She nodded quickly, and grabbed my dad’s hand. Right before they exited the room, I found the strength to speak again.

“I love you, Mummy. I love you, Daddy.”

Pathetic, right? But it was the only way I could express my feelings towards them.
Their
eyes filled with tears again, but this time they were of happiness.

“We love you, too.” My dad’s rough voice was brimming with compassion and affection.

My eyes closed as the door shut quietly, and I focused on trying to ignore the pain, which didn’t work all too well.

Several hours later

I heard whispers outside my room. I prayed that they were from my parents with the doctor. The pain was beginning to get a bit overwhelming.

The door creaked as it slowly opened, and I raised my eyes to the doorway.

“Mum?
”
I choked on my own voice as my eyes locked
with
the intruder’s dark, red-rimmed ones.

A moment of silence passed between us as we stared
at
each other, taking in our tired, broken expressions.

After a couple of seconds, I managed to build up the courage to speak. “Connor…” I croaked out, not even forming a complete sentence. My chapped lips trembled and I shook.

He stared at me, his eyes looking over my frail form. My heart jolted as his lips parted and he drew in a small breath.

“Bells.”

I could have spent the rest of my life lying there, staring at Connor. He looked weary and upset. Realizing he was staring at my face, I became self-conscious, and
I
tried to cover the hideous bruises and soon-to-be scars
that
spread across my exposed skin. 

I directed my eyes downward as he approached me, gasping slightly in surprise as he lightly tugged my hands away from my face.

“Your mum told me that you might push me away. The doctor said that it
’
s a common reaction for someone who has gone through what you have,” he said, watching for my reaction.

I just stared back at him, waiting for him to continue.

“Bella, you’re so much stronger than you think,” he whispered to me. “Everything
’
s gonna be alright. You will be alright. I
’
ll be here for you. I
’
m not leaving.”

I remained silent.

“Liam’s dead,” he stated, his eyes glazing over with a look that could only be described as anger.

“I know.” My voice surprised us both.

“Anna’s going to be okay, but she’s going to need a lot of surgeries.”

My chest tightened as I thought of her. Anna was nearly killed because of me.

“Bella, I saw you earlier.” He was watching me again, waiting for a reaction.

I looked away, my hands still captured within his.

“Have I lost you? It
’
s alright to grieve, Bella. But you need to take down these walls. And you should know, none of it was your fault,” he pleaded, his eyes full of emotion.

“Why?” I choked out, pulling my hands from his grasp. “Why should I allow myself to feel this pain?”

“A person is dead. A friend was near death. And you, Bells, I almost lost you,” he whispered.

It was like a train had hit me.

Liam was killed because he tried to kill me. I touched my neck lightly and winced.

Reality hits hard. And when it does, you better have someone there for you, who will put your pieces back together and mend your shattered being.

“Connor…” I whimpered, tears filling my eyes. “Connor, it hurts.”

He climbed
o
nto the bed, cradling my bruised and broken body into his strong arms, rocking me back and forth.

“Let it all go,” he whispered. “I’ll be here for you.”

And just like that, I truly let myself go.

Why? Why take a risk like that?

Because I knew that he would be there for me.

I knew.

A freezing wind drifted around me, chilling me to the bone. I stared at the girl in front of me. Her hair was a dirty blonde. And her dark brown eyes bore into mine. Her lips were shaped into a sneer, and her stance was intimidating.

The girl was me.

“Pathetic,” she spat out, looking me over as I helplessly cringed away from her. “You’re disgusting!”

I refused to show the pain I felt, so I held in the tears and whimpers, and continued to stare at her.

“What? You’re not even going to try to defend yourself?” she hissed and advanced towards me. “Just like how you didn’t defend yourself from Liam.”

She struck a nerve with that one, and she knew it. A small, malicious grin appeared on her face as she watched the tears pool in my eyes, a few actually escaping.

“Shut up,” I whispered weakly.

“Awww, did I hurt baby Bella’s feelings?” she mocked, her eyes glinting with excitement.

“Shut up,” I managed to say it louder than last time and began to take courage from that. “I couldn’t fight him off! I tried! B-
b
ut I wasn’t
…”

“Strong enough?” she asked, finishing my sentence. “Of course you weren’t.” She looked me over with distaste. “You’re weak.”

A broken cry escaped my lips and I felt tears beg
a
n to trickle from my eyes.

“Shut up.” It seemed like that was all I could say back to her.

“Make me,” she challenged, taking another step towards me. “You wanted Liam to fuck you. You wanted to play the victim. You liked
…”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I screamed, covering my ears as tears flooded down my face.

A taunting laugh came from her, and she looked back at me, straightening her posture. The worst was just about to come.

“What about Connor?” she asked. “Does he know that Liam succeeded?”

I hesitated. Did Connor know? I didn’t tell him. And I know my parents wouldn’t.

“Ohhh!” she exclaimed and then laughed. “This is great! Connor doesn’t know that his little girlfriend is a slut!”

“I… he…” I couldn’t find the right words to form a sentence.

“What? You think he’ll love you enough to stay with you even after knowing that?” she snapped, her eyes glowing.

I paused, thinking over her questions.

“What will Connor say when he finds out
that
his precious Bella is no longer a virgin?” she asked, smiling wickedly. “I can tell you what he will do. He is going to leave you faster than you can say
,
‘
Please, don’t go!’ Why? Because he only wanted one thing from you. And now, it’s gone.”

She tilted her head back, cackling.

“And soon, Connor will be gone, too!”

A cold sweat ran down my spine as I breathed heavily. My body was hunched over the sink and my knuckles were white as I gripped the edge tightly.

“No…No, no, no…” I chanted, sinking to the floor.

That nightmare was sickening and utterly horrifying
.

T
he worst part?

It was most likely true. Connor wasn’t going to stay with me now. Once he finds out what actually happened to me, it will be all over. He will leave me and move on, and never look back.

“Bella? Bella are you okay?”

The nurse’s worried voice broke me away from my reverie. I lifted my head up, my tired eyes meeting her alert ones.

“I… I…” I breathed, looking around frantically.

Her eyes widened, and she rushed to my side and grasped my arm. She pulled m
e
away from the sink and led me to the bed.

“It’s okay
,
Bella. You were just having a bad dream,” she murmured as she draped the blankets over my shaking body. “Get some rest, honey. You get to leave in the morning,” she said the last part with a smile, as if she was hoping to ignite some happiness within me. Her smile faltered when my response was nothing more than a blank stare. Sighing, she made her way to the door, pausing and looking back at me as she spoke once more.

“It was just a bad dream
,
Bella
.
”
H
er eyes shined with confidence. “None of it was real.”

When the door closed behind her, I let out a small whimper.

It wasn’t just a bad dream. It was my future.

Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days, and days became weeks.

Jess sat on the edge of my bed, laughing at something James probably texted her. Yeah, they were dating now.

I tried to focus on painting my pinky nail as she continued to laugh and shake the bed.

“Bella, you
…”
Jess paused, noticing my focused and annoyed expression. She frowned and scooted closer to me, crossing her legs and leaning her head on her hands.

“You okay?”

It’s been three weeks since the accident. Two weeks since I’ve seen Connor, and about a week since Anna was released from the hospital.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I murmured, furrowing my eyebrows as I finished my pinky, eyeing its perfection with pride.

“You know, Connor’s coming back soon!” she pointed out, sporting a small, hopeful smile.

“Jess, he hates me,” I said firmly, twisting the cap of the nail polish. “I pushed him away and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

She groaned and fell backwards onto the bed, causing me to drop the bottle, which thankfully, was sealed shut. I rolled my eyes at her and leaned against my headboard, observing my nails.

“So let me get this straight. He comforts you at the hospital, and then because of your insanely fucked-up meds, you blow up on him?” she asks.

“No, it wasn’t the meds. It was me and my idiotic behavior.”

“Well, that’s not what Connor thinks,” Jess huffed out, staring at the ceiling.

My eyes widened and I stared at her, amazed. “You… What? How…?” I was rendered speechless.

Her lips parted slightly and a faint blush tinted her cheeks. “Uh
…
I...Well, ImighthaveheardConnorsaythattoJamesandMattwhenIwasthere
.
”

I stared at her blankly, not processing anything she just said. “Do you want to repeat that? Or are you just going to let me sit here and attempt to decipher it?”

Her blush deepened and she bit her lip nervously.

“I was with James at Connor’s house. And, well, Connor said that he thinks it was the medication and the stress that made you say all of those things to him and push him away.” After she finished, she looked at me expectantly.

“But it wasn’t
.”

“Bella, shut up,” Jess snapped at me, a playful frown covering her face. “Despite what you think, you’re actually a good person. You aren’t the kind of person that would just ice out someone you care about.”

“But what I said to him!” I snapped. “I can’t believe I said those things to him.” My horrified expression must have given away the disgust I felt towards myself.

“Sure, what you said was out of line. But you’d be surprised how well Connor reacted to it.”

I stiffened at her words. “Oh, so you’re telling me that he was okay that Liam did that to me? That he doesn’t even care? That it was just no big deal?” Something was rising within me, an emotion that was building up the more I thought about Connor’s reaction.

“No! Bella!” Jess said quickly, standing up in panic.

I ignored her and found the anger inside me quickly taking over.

“How dare he? So it’s true
,
then, he never actually liked me. He only wanted my body, my virginity,” I spat out the last word, my body trembling.

“Calm down. Please, just calm down. You don’t under——
”

“Yeah, I don’t understand. I d-don’t understand h-h-how this has all h-happened to me. I-I just don’t g-get it.” At this point, I was sobbing loudly. “W-Why is my l-life like t-th-this?” I choked out, falling to the floor. My body curled up into a small ball, my body rocking back and forth as I sobbed shamelessly.

A pair of soothing arms wrapped around me, and I heard Jess try to comfort me. But nothing was working. My sobs grew louder and louder, and I began sniffling. A headache was coming on, too. And I knew all too well what it meant—I was crying myself sick.

It used to happen a lot when I was younger. I would get upset over something so measly and unimportant. Then I would cry until my body ached and it was too painful for me to move.

“It’s okay, let it all out,” Jess whispered quietly, letting me lean my head on her shoulder. “Come on, let’s get you on the bed.”

It took all of my energy to lift my body and move towards the bed, which I collapsed on to, continuing to sob as I did so.

“You didn’t deserve what happened to you. Hell, no one does. But you’re so much stronger than you know. You’re going to make it through this. And you have me!” She laughed a little at the end, and I joined in, surprising her.

“There’s that laugh and smile I know and love!” she exclaimed, holding me closer.

“Connor hates me,” I whispered quietly.

She frowned and stared ahead. “He went on a rampage when he got home. He claims that Liam is lucky he is dead, because if he got the chance to get a hold of him…” Her eyes darted to mine and continued, “He does care about you, and he was quite understandably very upset.”

“T-then why did he j-j-just leave me?” I asked, hiccupping.

“Bella, he had to visit his grandmother. She’s very sick.”

My breath got caught in my throat as I looked over her sorrowful expression.

“I-Is she g——
”
I attempted to ask.

Jess cut me off. “Yes, she will be okay. Actually, Connor called yesterday to tell the boys that he would be home soon.” That small smile reappeared on her face, and I eyed her suspiciously.

“Why do you keep saying that? Do you expect us to just hold hands and skip through a field of daisies when he gets back?” I asked, frustrated.

Jess laughed loudly, kicking her feet for effect. “But that would be nice, huh?” she declared.

I nodded in agreement, my eyelids drooping shut.

“Alright
,
Bella, I’m going to let you get some rest. I think I’m going to call Anna. See how she’s holding up.” Jess stood up and gently lay my blanket over my body.

“Do you think she’ll ever come back?” I asked quietly, my eyes still shut. I heard Jess shuffle around before speaking again.

“She’s going to finish the rest of the year through homeschooling. And as far as I know, she might just go off to college after that.”

“Like an escape,” I mumbled, sleep taking over me. “She’s escaping. That must be nice.”

I don’t know if Jess ever responded, because I fell into a deep slumber right after those words fell out of my mouth.

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