Bella (31 page)

   The next morning
we made our way to our new destination. The house was beautiful and we all went
to get Christmas decorations. I was feeling a bit more positive. But I still
couldn't face food. Looking at my reflection through the mirror I could see I
had lost weight again and my face was looking gaunt.

Lizzie told me I
should see a doctor. I wasn
’
t that bothered and thought I would wait until after Christmas.

   The snow had
melted and I was really hoping for a white Christmas. We decided to throw a
dinner party; Lizzie invited a few friends she knew over and so did I.

Violet also invited
a few of her friends over that she had made when we last lived in America.

   The house phone
rang. Well I knew it wouldn
’
t be for us because we hadn
’
t long arrived. I
nearly dropped the phone.

   
“
Hello Bella.
”
I recognised the voice and dropped the phone.

  
“
Bella, Bella are you there?
”

Lizzie took the
phone from me.

    
“
Hi Simon how are you? How
’
s your mother?
”

I could hear Simon
on the other end. Lizzie kept giving me the odd glance and nodding.

     
“
I don
’
t want to talk to him.
”
I muttered.

Feeling tired I went
for a nap. I must have slept for hours as it was dark when I opened my eyes.
Lizzie had put Bella to bed.

She got us a bottle
of wine out of the fridge and we sat by the log fire.

  
“
How cosy is this!
”

We sat up for hours
talking. I was shattered when I went to bed. I fell to sleep straight away,but
was woken up by someone stroking my cheek.

When I opened my
eyes Simon was there.

   
“
What are you doing here Simon?
”
I
could hardly get my words out.

     
“
I had to see you Bella; I couldn't stay away any longer.
”
Simon laid next to me.
 
We said nothing,
we just laid there looking at each other.

    
“
I Love you Bella.
”

I dozed off again
and when I opened my eyes Simon had gone.
Where had he gone
?

I put my dressing
gown on and went to the kitchen. Lizzie was already making breakfast.

   
“
Where
’
s Simon?
”
Lizzie looked at me confused.

  
“
Simon isn't here Bella; he told me yesterday he was in LA.
”
  

   
“
No Lizzie, Simon was here, he came into my room and he stroked my
face. I remembered him telling me he loved me.
”

Now I was feeling
desperate. Lizzie came over and gave me a hug.

    
“
Simon isn't here Bella. You must have been dreaming.
”

All morning I just
sat there by the fire looking out the window hoping to see Simon. After a while
I realised I must have been dreaming.

   That evening we
all got invited to a party not far from where we were staying. There was lots
of food and drink but I still wasn't feeling hungry and not in the party mood. 
For the sake of the children I made an effort. The stress must have got the
best of me because I had to keep running to the toilet to vomit.Eventually
Lizzie came after me.

  
“
Is everything ok Bella?
’
she asked with a
worried tone in her voice.

   
“
Yes I will be fine.
”
I laughed.

   
“
I'm just sickening for something.
”
I
was beginning to wonder what was up with me and decided I must see a doctor.

Back downstairs I
tried to mingle and eat a little something.

Bella was falling
asleep so I used her as an excuse and told Lizzie we had to leave soon.

To be honest I
couldn't wait to leave. I felt terribly sick and the smell of the food was
making me feel worse. Back at the house, I settled Bella down for the night and
decided to have a long hot bubble bath. I could hear Lizzie downstairs talking
to someone. I recognised the voice.

Getting out the bath
I pulled on my robe. To my surprise  Claudio was there.

  
”
We need to talk Bella.
”
He said

   
“
Yes I agree, we do need to talk.
”

   
“
I have missed you and I am willing to give our marriage a chance to
work because I love you so very much.
”

I couldn't reply
because, I did love Claudio, but not in the way I loved Simon. I took Claudio
into the kitchen poured him a beer and made myself a hot chocolate.

  
“
Pushing the boat out are you Bella, with the hot chocolate?
”
He said jokingly.

  
“
I just don't feel like a drink, I haven
’
t
been feeling well lately.
”
I snapped. I put my hand on my forehead feeling dizzy.

  
”
I
’
m sorry Claudio. I didn't mean to snap.
”

  
“
There is just no talking to you.
”
He shouted and left.

Well that went
well
. I thought. Surprisingly I slept well that
night.

The next morning I
went to the doctors to see if they could fit me in without an appointment.
Luckily they could. I  sat there and waited for my name to be called out. My
mind wandered to Simon and wondering what he was doing

   
“
Can you go to room six please Mrs Ferrari?
”
The receptionist said.

The doctor was quite
young and he had very similar looks to Simon. He shook my hand.

   
“
Take a seat Mrs Ferrari and tell me what the problem is?
”
I sat and explained everything to a complete stranger. He looked at
me and put the pen in his mouth.

  
“
Have your periods been regular Mrs Ferrari?
”

  
“
Come to think of it I was due for my period last week but with all
the stress I completely forgot.
”
The doctor did a pregnancy test. It was positive, I was pregnant
again.

  
“
Should I congratulate you Mrs Ferrari?
”
The doctor looked at me with a half-smile. I thanked him without giving him an
answer and left.
What the hell am I going to do now?

I couldn't go
straight back to the house so I decided to go for a walk.

   Racking my brains
I knew the baby couldn't be Claudio
’
s. Simon was the
father of another baby he didn
’
t know about. Then I remembered. Claudio and I had made love the
night before we came to America.

I decided to keep
the pregnancy to myself for a while, as the news wasn't the greatest.

   Back at the house
I tried to keep myself busy with Christmas only a week away and our birthdays.
Claudio came to visit. I really tried to make an effort with him and he tried
hard to. It couldn
’
t have been easy for him knowing his wife was in love with another
man.

   The day before
Christmas, Lizzie phoned Simon to see if he was coming over. She knew I wasn
’
t at all pleased, but luckily he decided to spend Christmas with his
mother in England.

   Christmas Eve was
a wonderful day, we all went and did the last bit of shopping and Christmas in
Long Island was amazing. The shoppers were all running around worried in case
they had forgotten something. After we got back our feet were killing us with
all the walking we did.

   I got the
Christmas tree out of the box and we decorated it. Once the tree was up we all
sang Christmas carols followed by a birthday meal. Bella was tired so I put her
to bed. Robert and Violet listened to some music and played monopoly.

I ran myself a hot
bubble bath and dozed off. I woke up and the water was freezing.
How long
was I in here for
? I thought.I looked at my hands; they were all wrinkled
like an old ladies.
 
I quickly jumped out of the bath and put on my old tattered
bathrobe. It felt warm and soft against my skin. I hadn
’
t
drunk my wine so I poured it back into the bottle.

I laid down on the
bed and  as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell asleep.

   The next morning
I stepped out of bed and ran down stairs. Something was strange, Robert was
usually up before anyone else.He was always very excited on Christmas Day,
especially as it was his birthday too. I went upstairs to wake him up.  I
opened his door, his room was in darkness.

   
“
Robert.
”
I said softly, not wanting to scare him.
That`s strange.
I
thought.

   
“
Robert.
”
My voice was much louder this time. There was still no movement and
actually no sound.

   
“
Come on birthday boy, wake up.
”
I
want to the window and drew back the curtains. Then I walked over to Robert`s
bed. Even with the light pouring into the room, there was still no sign of him
waking up.

I was worried, he
looked so still, my heart was thumping so loud in my chest I could actually
hear it. I pulled back the covers and had a sick feeling. I pushed Robert`s
hair off his face; his skin was as cold as ice. I heard a loud scream, and the
next few hours were a complete blur.

   After a
postmortem, the doctor explained that it wasn
’
t
my fault and nothing could have prevented it.

I cried as I had
never cried before.

How much bad luck
is this family going to have?
 I could not eat or
sleep. I do not remember much about the next few days.

   Simon came to see
me, as soon as he got the news, but not even he could take away my pain. The
doctors had to sedate me. I didn
’
t even care. Lizzie
stayed with me all the time.

We flew back to
England along with Roberts
’
s body.

His funeral was a
blur and I never thought I would be burying any of my children before myself.
At this moment in time I hated life and most of all I hated myself.

I pushed everyone
away and most of all Simon. He reminded me too much of Robert and I couldn
’
t even look at him. No one understood me, but why should they, no
one knew that Robert was Simon
’
s son.

   Over the next few
months I lost a lot of  weight and the doctor told me I had to  try and eat for
the sake of my unborn baby.

Claudio eventually
left me because I pushed him away.

July arrived and my baby
was due at anytime.

I didn
’
t even know what I was having .I should have been excited but how
could I be.
This baby will never take Roberts place.
I thought
.

I was in my room
when my contractions started. I had managed to keep my pregnancy a secret with
baggy jumpers and loose trousers. Lizzie knocked at my door.

   
“
I have made you something to eat Bella please try and eat
”

I opened my door and
dropped the bomb.

  
“
Lizzie, I
’
m pregnant and the baby is on it
’
s
way now! Please don
’
t judge me for not telling you. I didn
’
t
want to tell anybody. I
’
m really sorry but I need you to take me to the hospital.
”
Lizzie was silent. She put the tray down, grabbed a few things to
put in a baby bag and said.