Bella (32 page)

  
“
Let
’
s go! Just one thing. Next time it would probably save you a lot of
stress if you tell me things straight away. I don
’
t
bite! You must know that buy now.
”

I didn
’
t respond. I just looked at her with no expression on my face and
lead the way to the car.

   There I was in
the hospital and gave birth to my son Liam.

Shortly after I was
transferred here to this
psychiatric hospital for not
bonding with my baby and having a nervous breakdown. I wasn
’
t able to take anymore pain.

I had decided to
write my story and that is what I did.

Please don't judge
me.

Chapter seventeen

A
t the moment I get through each day as they
come and the doctor has told me I can leave soon. I miss Robert so much and
words cannot describe the pain of losing your child. Lizzie and Claudio have
been looking after Liam for me until I can go home. To be honest I don't know
if I
’
ll ever be ready to look after another child.

It has been nearly a
year since Roberts
’
s death and I only just feel ready to leave hospital.

   Violet is nearly
seventeen and Bella has turned into a right little madam. Violet has told me
she wants to go searching for her father Marco, but I just hope she changes her
mind.

   Since the death
of Robert, she has become very distant and hardly talks to me anymore. The bond
we both had seems to have gone, but I hope that it will come back very soon.

   Halloween has arrived and Bella wants me to take her
trick or treating. It
’
s the first time I
have wanted to do something again in a long time. Lizzie took her to get a
costume and she
’
ll be dressing up as
a witch. Bella is really excited and can
’
t wait for it to be dark. I have made some
bobbing apples and bought lots of sweets for the kids that will come knocking
on the door later this evening. I was in the kitchen getting everything ready
when Claudio came in and sat at the kitchen table. I could tell he wanted to
tell me something by the look on his face.

  
“
Please tell me what
’
s wrong Claudio?
”

  
“
Sit down Bella.
”
His voice was very serious.

  
“
You know I love you.
I will always love you because you gave birth to my children. As much as I hate
to admit it, I don
’
t think we can have a
real future together. I feel I need to find myself again. I
’
m as devastated about Robert, as much as you
are. We all are, but we can
’
t bring him back.
”
He inhaled.
”
I want a divorce Bella.
”

I didn
’
t know whether I was happy or sad but I cried.

   
“
Claudio I understand how you are feeling and I don
’
t blame you and I agree we should get a divorce.
”
I said. What else could I say.

He sat back in the
chair and folded his arms.

The following
morning Claudio packed his belongings ready to leave. We knew we had to tell
Violet and Bella before he left.

  
“
Darlings. We want you to know that Claudio and I are getting a
divorce. We won
’
t be living together anymore. He
’
ll
go to live at another house. Bella Daddy will always love you and will only be
a phone call away from you.
”
I explained.

   
“
I'm sick of this. There's always so much drama in this family! This
house is full of fights and it isn't normal!
”
Violet screamed.

   I never realised until this day how
everything has affected my daughter, she is old enough to understand everything
and there
’
s no fooling her
anymore.

She stormed out the
house slamming the door behind her. Claudio didn
’
t
say a word he just looked at me and left.

   This whole
situation made me realise how hard everything was on the children. This wasn
’
t good for them, I knew I had to pull myself together and stop being
an emotional wreck. I couldn
’
t keep pushing everyone away, all because of the insane love I have
for one man. I've been so selfish! 

   I think a holiday
is the best thing for us. In fact I'm going to go out and book one now! First
of all I need to call Lizzie and ask her if she
’
s
seen Violet. Maybe she can persuade her to calm down.

  
“
Hello Lizzie.
”

  
“
Hey Bella. How are you feeling? I
’
ve
got one unhappy teenager sitting upstairs. What happened?
”
 

  
“
To cut a long story short, Claudio and I are getting a divorce.
Violet didn
’
t take it very well and I think she
’
s
fed up with everything that
’
s happened lately. I
’
ve decided to book a holiday somewhere for us. Maybe it will do us
some good. Try and talk to her for me, will you?
”

  
“
Alright! I will try my best, but you know how stubborn she is. At
the moment she won
’
t even talk to me. Sorry to say this, but I doubt she
’
s going to want to go anywhere with you at the moment.
”

  
“
I hope she will, but I guess I
’
m
just going to have to accept the fact that she needs time to deal with what
’
s happened.
”

  
“
Things will get better in time Bella. I
’
ll
let her stay here until she decides otherwise. Is that ok with you?
”

 
“
I guess so. Thanks for everything Lizzie! I don
’
t know what I
’
d do without you.
”

  
When I arrived at our destination it was quite late so I put the
kids to bed and had a nice soak in the bath with a glass of wine. I decided to
give Lizzie a call to find out how Violet was doing. To my surprise Simon
answered the phone and told me Lizzie was out bowling with Violet.
He seemed rather distant on the phone with me and I felt really
lost. I didn
’
t know what to say to him.

I just know now that
I have to deal with the fact that I have made a huge mess of things and pushed
people away. Their reaction is rather normal.

I couldn
’
t sleep the whole night. I feel so tired today. I have to ask Lizzie
what
’
s wrong with Simon.

  
“
Hello Bella
”

  
“
Hey sis. Listen I spoke to Simon last night and he seemed really
distant with me. That
’
s not like him at all! Do you know what the matter is with him?
”

  
“
You had better ask him that question, because I think you both have
a lot to talk about.
”

  
“
OK, I will. I
’
m going to call him straight away. Speak to you later.
”
.

  
What am I
going to say to him? Does he already know about the children? God Bella just
pick up the damn phone and call him already
!

  
“
Hello.
”

  
“
Hello Simon it
’
s me. I need to talk to you! I don
’
t
want to do it over the phone though, so I was wondering if you could find the
time to come up to Yorkshire and meet me?

  
“
I can
’
t at the moment Bella. I
’
m too busy. I do have
a life of my own you know! I
‘
ll let you know when I
’
m free again.
”
Then the line went dead. He wasn
’
t
there anymore.

I just don
’
t know what the matter with him is. He
’
s
never spoken to me like that before and it
’
s
the first time he
’
s hung up on me. I already have a daughter that won
’
t talk to me and now Simon too.

   I have been in
Wales for a few months now and a lot has happened. Violet still isn
’
t talking to me and Lizzie said I should give her a bit more time,
which is why I have decided to stay here a while longer.

I
’
ve rented a little bungalow in a small seaside town in Pembrokeshire
Wales. I thought it would be the best way to get my head together. The local
people here are very friendly and we soon settled in.

   It took Violet
until Christmas to come around. She has asked Lizzie if she can come up to see
me. I felt so relieved and couldn
’
t wait to see her. I
’
ve missed her so much.

I decided to bake
Violet
’
s favourite cake as peace sake. Then I went out and got a real
Christmas tree, tinsel and fairy lights to decorate the cottage and give the
kids a special Christmas. Bella and Liam found it very amusing watching me
decorate the place alone. They did put in a helping hand though when it came to
decorating the tree. Bella helped hang things up and Liam helped clean the baubles
with his mouth.

   I realised that
this Christmas wouldn
’
t be the same without Robert and Claudio, but I knew I had to try
and pull myself together, put on a happy face and think about the future I have
with my family.

   As Lizzie
’
s car pulled up in the driveway, I ran outside as fast as I
could and greeted them.

  
“
Violet! I
’
m so sorry! I love you so much.
”
I cried hugging her tightly.

  
“
Bella! Bella! You can
let her go now. I
’
m surprised the poor
girl can breathe. We are staying over Christmas, so you
’
ll have pleny of time with her.
”
She laughed.

I can
’
t even begin to
explain how happy I felt at that moment.

   The day before Christmas Eve I was very busy doing the
last bits of shopping. The weather was freezing and the forecast said we would
have snow for Christmas. Once we had finished, we went home and I made us all a
mug of hot chocolate with cinnamon sprinklings. The phone rang and I thought it
might be Roy. He told me he would be arriving later today. It made me feel at
ease that most of the family were making an effort to come and see me and help
celebrate Christmas like we
’
d always done.
Shortly after Roy had called the phone rang again and I was shocked to hear
Simon on the other end.

  
“
I
’
m coming up to see you Bella. We need to talk.
”

That was all he said.
He must be coming with Roy.
I
thought.

I put my thoughts about Simon aside and decided to take
Violet out. She deserved a bit of my personal attention for once. Lizzie
offered to babysit the other two.

We went to the cinema and then on to eat pizza.
Now is
the time to talk to her. Maybe we can salvage our relationship.
I hoped.

We were having a lot of fun and luckily when I started to
explain certain things she listened.