“No Jax, you left, you made that choice. You don’t get to come back in and demand anything.”
“She is my daughter, I have a right to see her. I did not know you were here, if I had known I would have come back.”
“Don’t throw your rights at me, you gave them away when you paid us off.” I snap.
“And I made a mistake, I was damaged goods.”
“And I am sorry for that, but it’s too damn late now.”
“Jade, don’t.”
“No, you don’t. Don’t come in here expecting whatever it is your expecting. We moved on from you Jax. Get that through your thick, numb skull.”
“Bitch.” He snarls.
“Jack ass.”
“I see we have made up.” Jack mutters, appearing behind Jax.
He lets me go and I stand, swiping the sand from my body. Jax’s gaze travels slowly down, then back up my body again.
“Still looking as fuckable as you were five years ago.”
“Go to hell!” I snap.
“Enough you two, Jesus.” Jack yells.
“Thanks for the fucking phone call telling me you found her.” Jax hisses.
Jack glares at him. “Excuse me but that was not my place. It was hers. Don’t start on me Cap, or I will send you out on your ass and you will not get a damn chance to fix anything with her.”
I fold my arms across my chest and smirk at Jax. So there. He glares at me and steps forward; I step back.
“This is not over. I will find your address, and I WILL not leave. So wipe that smirk off your pretty face before I wipe it off for you.”
“Oh go and jam a big…”
“STOP!” Jack yells. “Seriously, grow up the both of you. It is not about you!”
“No it is about my daughter.”
“Our daughter.” Jax corrects.
“No Jax, she is mine, you left her.”
“Yeah and I regret that every fucking day of my life. Don’t hold it against me forever.”
“I don’t intend to, because you are leaving.”
“You would honestly do that? Keep me from her?”
I shake my head, rubbing my temples. I can’
t deal with this.
I am barely recovered from his return.
“I always said if you came back I would not keep you from her. She deserves you, even though you don’t deserve her. So no, I will not keep you from her, but right now is not the time.”
“I want to be in her life, I will find a way to be.”
“I need time Jax, so does she. You can’t waltz in here and think it is just going to be ok.”
“I want to see her.”
“If you want her Jax, we do it my way. The choice is yours, deal with it or don’t see her.”
“Fine.”
“Fine, I am going home.”
“Where do you live?”
“None of your business.” I snap.
“Jade…we have to talk.”
“No Jax, we don’t. Goodbye.”
I turn and run off before he can answer, when I look back, Jack is stopping him from running
after me
. I get home and crumble to my knees. What the hell? Why did he have to come back? Why did he have to make this so damned hard for me? I have a quick shower and try hard to pull my thoughts together. I have given up on my emotions. I don’t know how to deal with those. When I get back downstairs, my doorbell rings. I freeze. When I walk over, and open it, I see Jax.
“Jesus, anyone ever told you that you would make a good stalker?”
He grins and leans against the door frame. He looks gorgeous freshly showered and wearing blue jeans and a tight black shirt.
“A lot.”
“Why are you here?”
“I told you, we have to talk.”
“And I told you, I need time.”
“You have had five years.”
I glare at him. “How did you find my house?”
“
I threatened Jack into giving me your address
.”
I snort. “Great, nice to know.”
“Can I come in?”
“If I say no?”
He chuckles and walks right past me. God, how I have missed his arrogant attitude. He looks around the house and lets out a low whistle.
“I see the house I brought you is nice.”
I gape. “Wow, really?”
He turns. “It was a joke.”
“Well don’t joke, right now I am likely to punch you for it.”
He grins again. “Going to offer me a drink?”
“No.”
“Aw, I thought you would have missed me just a touch darlin.”
His words send shivers up my spine.
“I might have missed you once or twice whilst playing with my dildo, that was as much thought as you got.”
He laughs. “
Touché
.”
“Well, talk. I don’t have all day. I have to pick up Lilly from school in a few hours.”
He looks serious now. “Do you have a picture?”
I nod my head at the television unit in the lounge and he turns, walking over. He stops at Lilly’s most recent school photo, and I can see him visibly stiffen.
“Oh fuck.”
“She is you, through and through.”
“You think?” He says in a hoarse voice, then turns back to me. “She is beautiful.”
“I know that.”
“And she…is happy?”
“Very.”
He nods. “And you and Jack?”
“What about us?” I ask, leaning my hip against the bench.
“You two stink of sex, it is written all over you.”
I blush. “And?”
“You fucked him, didn’t you?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“I always knew you would.”
“Oh really? Did you now?” I snap.
“She doesn’t know; your little friend doesn’t know and she is dating him...” He says referring to Layla, obviously Jack told him he was dating her.
“It was once, and it will not happen again.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“No Jax I am not. I wanted to fuck him, I haven’t fucked in five years, and God Dammit I needed a man.” I say, in a sarcastic tone.
“Don’t be a smart ass.”
“Don’t ask questions that are none of your damned business!”
He smirks. “You
are as feisty as ever. Have you truly been single five years?”
“Fuck off Jax.”
“Ouch.”
I take a sip of my coffee and then swallow a deep breath of air. Be calm. Don’t show him he affects you.
“So, what about you?” I ask.
“That’s none of your business.”
His face is straight, but his eyes are twinkling with humor.
“Touché.” I say unable to hide my smile.
“There we go a smile. It’s all I wanted to see.”
“That girl…is that your girlfriend?”
“Kind of.”
“Kind of?” I ask, wide
eyed
. I am trying to ignore the sting of jealousy in the pit of my stomach.
He walks closer and stands beside me. He smells sensational.
“I have been with her a few years. It is…a long story.”
“Well, I am glad you are happy.”
He stares at me for a long while then smiles. “Yeah, it’s all good.”
“How long are you staying?”
“Sammy is sick of the island at the moment, so I am thinking a while. Might buy a joint to come back and forward.”
I nod. “Ok.”
“You have grown up kid, real gorgeous.”
“Um, thanks.”
He smiles at me, and I look away, my heart is pounding. Change the subject.
“Jax…how…I mean….how are you?”
His eyes meet mine, and he smiles a little weaker this time. “I am better mate.”
“I am glad.”
“I am real sorry mate, about leaving you the way I did. I never meant to hurt you and I will make it up to you now, and to Lilly.”
“I survived Jax, I made it through.”
“Yeah, you did. Alone.”
I shrug. “Life is rough, that is just how it is.”
“And you are ok with that?” He whispers.
“Fine.”
“I know you hate me Jade, for what I did.”
I sigh and run my fingers through my damp hair.
“I don’t hate you Jax. Your mind was in a bad place. I don’t think anything you said or did in that time meant to come across how it should have. I know you love Lilly…you gave us a beautiful home, and I am grateful for that.”
“I do Jade, I love that kid so much. I didn’t know her, but I thought of her every day, regretting leaving her.”
“You have now with her, you can’t change the past, but you can change how your future with her is.”
“I might be able to save what I have with her….but what I had with you is gone. I fucked that up. It would have been good you know; you, me and her.”
“It’s ok,” I say quietly. “It’s…you are happy now Jax.”
He looks at me. “I will never forgive myself Jade, for leaving you the way I did.”
I swallow; God Dammit do not cry.
“You have to, so we can get past it and be loving parents to Lilly. We don’t have to be together Jax, just friends.”
He strokes my cheek. “I…should have been able to give you more than that.”
“Are you happy Jax?”
He nods. “Sammy…is good for me. I had to change; I knew I couldn’t be a monster anymore. I needed to learn to love and not push. When I met her, it took years, but I learnt to care for her, and I let myself. I didn’t tell her to run.”
I can’t help the jealousy and anger that flares in me. She managed to get that from him, but I couldn’t. I knew my next words were irrational, but I am so hurt.
“So she was good enough to change you, but I wasn’t?”
He winces. “God no, I loved you…god I fucking loved you so bad. I just, couldn’t get past my past I guess. I didn’t think I was good enough, then I realized, only I can make myself good enough. It was too late then; I had let you go. I couldn’t come back and try to fix that.”
I nods, tears slide down my cheeks. “You broke my heart, I never got over it Jax. Five years I was alone, five long years I could not move on. I got over it yes, but I never moved on. Then Jack came back; he was the first.”
“I…” He stops, unable to come up with something that will help.
“It’s ok, I got strong Jax. I got strong, and I made something of myself. I will fall in love again; I know that I will and it will be wonderful, with someone who wants to give their life for me.”
“I wanted to give my life for you.” He says, in a light, strangled voice.
I shake my head. “No.”
He grasps my chin, turning my face to his.
I try hard to look away.
“Yes, I did. You saved me; you think Sammy did it, but you did. I told you back then, and I am saying it once more; I would have killed myself if it wasn’t for you.”
“And now…” I croak.
“I won’t hurt you again. I won’t let myself.”
“I understand.”
“Do you still love me Jade?”
I swipe at my tears . “Don’t ask irrelevant questions Jax, their answers will not change anything.”
He nods. “Jack is having a barbeque tonight, bring Lilly. Please?”
I sigh. “Ok Jax, because I am not going to keep her away from you. She thinks you have wanted to see her for years.”
“What does she know of me?”
“I tried the best I could Jax, each Friday I wrote her a letter from you. She thinks you are out at sea on a very special mission. She writes to you each week. I reply for you. She thinks it is you. It was the best I could do. She didn’t deserve to feel unloved. She has made you so many fathers day presents, all of which she thinks you have.”
His knuckles are white as he grips the bench.
“Thank you.” He croaks.
“It was the best I had Jax.”
“I appreciate it. I should go. Come around tonight, please?”
“I will.”
He stares at me for a long moment, then leans down and presses his lips to my head. My tears flow again. I have missed him so.
“For what it’s worth, my life has never been the same since you.”
Then he is gone.
CHAPTER 3
I tell Lilly about Jax when she gets home from school, and she is thrilled. She thinks she knows him; she thinks she has written to him every week for as long as she can remember. She beams and bounces up and down. I try exceptionally hard to hide any emotion from her. Layla agrees to come over with us and so we dress and get ready, preparing some salads and drinks. We decided we will have a few drinks and stay, so I pack Lilly’s things.
“Mummy, will daddy be excited to see me?”
“Oh honey, I think he will.”
“I am going to take him the drawing I made the other week, can I?”