Betrayed (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 2) (27 page)

Sam gently rubs my back, and I squeeze Zeb’s hand tight again.

‘Maybe this is my punishment,’ I whisper as I stroke Zeb’s face. ‘Maybe this is God’s way of telling me all those bad things I did, all that fucked-up shit…’

‘Punishment?’

‘For all the pain I’ve caused. For all the crap and the killings; for sleeping with Mack…’

‘Don’t do that, Izzi. Don’t.’

‘I can’t say goodbye, Sam. I can’t.’

‘You have to. Honey, you have to do that.’

‘I can’t,’ I whisper, and I’m holding Zeb’s hand so tight now, because I know Sam’s right. I can put up every fight there is, but he’s right. I can’t stay here forever. I have to let him go. I have to say goodbye. ‘I can’t…’ I close my eyes and kiss Zeb’s mouth one more time, my lips lingering against his because I need to remember what he feels like. I need that. And I squeeze his hand for the final time, and I feel my heart shatter, feel it explode into a million tiny pieces inside my chest, and that pain and grief rips through me again, filling every nerve-ending, every cell, every inch of me is consumed by a feeling of – nothing. That numbness is slowly creeping back, and I want that. I want to feel that emptiness, it’s my defense mechanism. It’s going to be my way of coping. So I’m welcoming the numbness; embracing it. ‘Goodbye, baby.’ My fingers slowly slip from his and I step back, and it takes every ounce of strength I have left not to run to him and hold him and refuse to leave this room because once I step outside, he really will be gone. I won’t see him again, won’t hear his laugh, see his smile; feel his body inside mine. He really will be gone.

‘Come on, sweetheart.’

Sam’s voice is quiet and calm, and he takes my hand and I lean back against him and I take one last look at Zeb.

‘We’ll get through this, Izzi.’

I just nod, but I’m not sure I believe him. I don’t know if I
can
get through this. I don’t know if I want to. I just know that I have to…

Chapter Twenty-Three

Izzi

‘They’re bringing him to the clubhouse, this morning. We’ll all leave for the funeral from there.’

I look at Cora and I nod. I seem to have been doing that a lot these past few days, just listening to people talk and nodding. I don’t even know what they’re saying half the time, it’s just white noise, I’m not really taking anything in.

‘Izzi?’

I blink a few times and I look at her again. ‘I’m sorry, I was just… I don’t know. I was just thinking.’

She comes over to me and she sits down beside me, but I look away again. Everyone’s being so kind, even though I’ve fought their company, asked them to leave me alone, and they’ve all ignored me. And maybe that was for the best because for the couple of days after Zeb’s death I was so close to joining him. I had the pills in my hand and the vodka by my side but Sam found me, and he stayed with me and he refused to leave my side until he was sure I wouldn’t try that again. He made me realize it was time to stop being selfish, to think about my baby – mine and Zeb’s baby. He made me realize that what I was doing could harm our child and the shock of that; that realization was the only thing that brought me back from the brink. This baby is all I have left of Zeb now. They’re a part of him. They’re the only thing showing me a way out of this darkness that surrounds me.

Sam’s still made sure I’m never alone, though. I guess he still doesn’t fully believe I’m over the need to be with Zeb, but I am. I’ve accepted he’s gone, but even if I hadn’t, I’m never alone long enough to try anything stupid. Sam says I’m stronger than that, but for a while I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure I could be. Zeb made me strong, he created that bitch, that cold, hard woman. But he also caused her demise. Because he loved me. And I didn’t really see that, didn’t really feel it until it was too late.

‘You need to get ready, Izzi. We’ll be leaving soon.’

I turn my head and look out of the window, and I see the space where Zeb’s bike used to be and my heart breaks all over again. I’m not sure there’s much else there left to shatter. ‘I know.’

She reaches for my hand and I let her take it. Sometimes I do actually need the comfort they’re sent here to give me. Sometimes I get tired of being stubborn and cold. And numb. I’m still numb, because I’m fighting it, I like the feeling. It’s like a protective barrier, so I’m reluctant to let it go.

‘All his brothers, Izzi, they’re gonna give him one hell of a send off.’

I’ve no doubt they will. And it’ll be everything Zeb would’ve wanted, if he’d been able to plan his own wake. I know that. People liked him, they respected him. There’ll be so many people there this afternoon, I know that too. And that gives me some kind of comfort, but it hasn’t been all that long since I went through this with Aiden and my dad; since I buried them and this whole, messed-up journey began. And now I’m burying another man, someone else I loved. And I lost him, too.
 

‘I don’t know if I can do this without him.’ I look at Cora, and she squeezes my hand and I try to smile, but it isn’t something I really feel like doing yet. Smiling. ‘I don’t know if I’m going to be enough, for this baby…’ I drop my gaze and swallow hard and she squeezes my hand again.

‘Listen to me, Izzi. This afternoon is gonna be hard, OK? It’s gonna be rough, honey, and you are gonna feel like your whole world is just falling down around you, it’s gonna be that brutal. But everyone there, they are gonna get you through this, y’hear? Everyone. And that includes me, I ain’t gonna let you go through this alone. And I know that, sometimes, you just want to lock yourself away in here, wearing Zeb’s clothes and sleeping in sheets that ain’t been washed ‘cause he was in that bed only a few nights ago, I know you want that. But it ain’t gonna happen, ‘cause that ain’t good for you, darlin’. And nobody’s saying you need to forget him or stop loving him or not talk about him, you can do all those things, but you also need to start living again. You listening to me, Izzi? You need to do that for that little one growing inside you, darlin’. They’re gonna need their momma to be that strong woman their daddy made her.’

‘I miss him so much, Cora. And it hurts, so bad, because he won’t be here…’ I throw back
 
my head and take a deep breath, and I’m trying not to cry again because I’ve done so much of that. Too much.

‘That baby is gonna have one hell of a family, Izzi, believe me. You won’t be on your own, because we’ll all be here for you, honey. The club, Sam, me… we’ll all be here. And that baby will be loved and looked after but you are gonna have to be strong, darlin’. For
their
sake.’

‘What if I don’t feel ready? To be strong?’

‘You ain’t been outta this house since you got home from hospital. Today’s the first time you’ve been outside in days, and that’s gonna be the first step, OK? ‘Cause if we let you, you’ll keep on telling us you’re not ready, and you’ll eventually start believing that – if we let you. So today, this is gonna be the first step.’

I raise my gaze and my eyes meet hers. ‘I wish I’d loved him more.’

She reaches out and gently pushes the hair from my eyes. ‘Oh, baby, you couldn’t have loved him more. And he knows that. He knows it.’

‘He didn’t even get to know that our baby was OK, Cora. He didn’t even get to know that…’ I feel tears start to fall down my cheeks and I quickly wipe them away. I really do need to stop crying now, Cora’s right. I don’t feel ready, and I don’t want to leave this house, don’t want to take off Zeb’s T-shirt or wash the sheets, I don’t want to do any of that. But I know I have to.

‘It’s gonna hurt, Izzi. All of it, that pain ain’t gonna go just yet. But it
will
ease. In time.’

I try to smile again, and this time I manage it, although I suspect it was a pretty weak one. ‘Yeah. Maybe it will.’

‘Come on.’ She pulls me up and keeps hold of my hand as she leads me out of the living room. ‘We need to get ready.’

‘Cora.’

She stops and turns around. ‘Yeah?’

‘Thank you. All of you. I know I’ve been a real pain in the arse at times, but… thank you.’

Because they saved me. And I know that, one day, I’m going to be grateful they did that.

Mack

It was the first time I’d seen Izzi since it all happened. The first time I truly saw how broken she was. And it killed me, man, it fucking finished me. She didn’t look like the same girl she was just a few days ago, she looked different; younger, more vulnerable. She looked tired, almost catatonic at times as brother after brother got up to say something about Zeb. And she didn’t cry, she just sat there holding onto Sam’s hand, and I don’t even know if she was listening to everything that was being said, she seemed so detached. Like she was deliberately backing off from what was going on. Maybe she didn’t want it to be real, I don’t know. I just know that it wasn’t ‘til we put Zeb’s coffin in the ground that she showed any real emotion. She didn’t break down; from what Sam tells me she’s already been down that route. But the pain in her eyes was almost blinding as she clung onto Cora and watched her husband be lowered down into that deep, dark hole. And she stayed there, after everyone else had walked away, she stayed there, on her own, for a good few minutes and I’d watched from a distance as she’d knelt down and cried, letting that last bit of grief out in a private moment. And I’d never seen anything more heartbreaking.

And now we’re back at the clubhouse, and the kinda wake any true biker would be proud of is underway and she’s here, playing the late President’s old lady to the end but I can see she’s still hurting so bad. And Sam, he still wants me to keep my distance. I just ain’t sure I can do that no more. I mean, I ain’t gonna go over there and go all Mack Slayer on her, Jesus, give me some credit here. I just want her to know I care, is all. I fucking care.

‘Maybe now ain’t the best time, Mack.’

I turn to see Cora standing there. ‘You know what she’s thinking now, do you?’

‘I’ve been with her for the best part of a week, Mack. I’ve been there, trying to get her to eat, to talk, to sleep. I was there just minutes after she tried to take her own life because the pain of missing Zeb, it was too much. I was there. You weren’t…’

‘Because no fucker would let me near her!’

‘She’s too fragile.’

‘What the fuck d’you think I’m gonna do?’

‘I think she just needs more time.’

I drag a hand through my hair and look back over at Izzi, who’s being shadowed constantly by Sam, even though I’m not sure she realizes that just yet. He ain’t left her side all evening, and I was right, when I said he was being a better father to her than he was ever gonna be to me. Probably ‘cause I ain’t ever gonna let him get that close, whereas I think Izzi welcomes that closeness. I think she needs it, now more than ever.

‘I care about her, Cora. So fucking much.’

‘I know, Mack. I know you do. I just think it might – I dunno. It might confuse things.’

‘And maybe y’all just need to back off and let her deal with this in her own way. You ever thought of that?’

‘She was this close to fucking suicide, Mack, so no. No, we ain’t gonna back off, not yet. Not until we’re sure she’s OK.’

‘And I ain’t being dictated to by no-one no more. I’ve kept my distance outta respect for her, for Izzi. I kept my distance…’

‘Mack, please…’

‘I get that you’re only doing what you think is best for her, but I… Jesus, I need to make sure she’s OK, I need to see that for myself, all right?’

She holds up her hands, and I nod my thanks. And I look over at Izzi again and this time her eyes meet mine, but, man, there ain’t nothing there. But she’s coming over to me, I don’t have to make that move, she’s making it for me, and I throw Cora a look that tells her to back off, and she moves away. Not far enough in my opinion, but I ain’t gonna argue now.

‘Sam said you were back, for the funeral.’

‘To be fair, darlin’, I hadn’t actually gotten that far away.’

She folds her arms across herself, and her eyes are still on mine.

‘Izzi, darlin’, I’m so sorry…’

‘It’s not
your
fault he’s dead.’ She smiles slightly but it don’t go nowhere near those eyes. They’re still cold. ‘He didn’t even die being a hero, or fighting, or doing whatever it is you men do. It was an accident. That’s all it was. An accident…’ She drops her gaze and digs her hands into her pockets. ‘He was upset and angry and…’ She looks back up at me. ‘When are you leaving?’

‘I don’t know if I…’ I suddenly stop, ‘cause I ain’t sure what I should be telling her, what I should be saying here. ‘I don’t know. Soon. Maybe.’

She says nothing for a beat or two, and her gaze shifts and she starts to scan the room, her eyes darting this way and that and I ain’t sure she wants to be here no more. I think she’s probably had enough now. I know
I
have, and I didn’t love the guy, I could barely tolerate him. But he’s family, whether I liked that idea or not, and I’m paying my respects like any good cousin would do.

‘You should stay.’

I frown slightly, and she looks back at me.

‘For a little while longer, I mean. It’s been a crazy few days, and I think we all need some time to get our heads together.’

I feel a small stab of disappointment, she don’t want me to stay for good. But what was I expecting here? Her husband’s been dead less than a week, what’s she gonna do? Suddenly realize she wants me? That she can have me now? And I don’t know what to say her, I’ve just gone blank. What the hell
can
I say to her? This is one fucked-up situation and I wish I could change it, I really do. I wish I could do that, and see her smile again. But it ain’t my place to do that now.