Betrayed (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 2) (29 page)

Izzi

The smell of the burger fills my nostrils and I suddenly realize how hungry I actually am. My appetite seems to have come back with a vengeance and I sit down on the low wall outside the workshop and bite into my cheeseburger, watching Jet and Hal as they lift a little girl and a little boy onto one of the Harleys, and I smile as they tie tiny bandanas round their heads and the kids laugh as the little boy leans forward and tries to grab the handlebars. And my head’s filled with the image of my own little boy – because I’m having a boy, Zeb’s getting a son – as a grown man, riding his own Harley, just like his dad. Because he will, that’s going to happen, if I stay here. And I think I need to do that now; stay here. I have friends, I have Sam, I have a support network, no matter how unconventional that may be. I have people around me who will help me through something I should be going through with Zeb. Because the closer it gets to my baby’s birth, the more painful it becomes because he won’t be there to hold my hand and see our son come into this world. He won’t be there. And that hurts, it really does.

I take another bite of burger and a mouthful of soda as I watch a fresh bunch of kids crowd around the bikes, all of them wanting to sit up on them, and I can’t help smiling as I watch some of the parents’ reactions. They kind of want to sit up on them too, I can tell.

‘Hey, beautiful.’

The sound of his voice still makes me jump slightly, even though I knew it was only a matter of time before I came face to face with him again. I guess I’ve just been avoiding it for as long as I could.

‘Hey yourself.’

I look up as he sits down beside me, takes my burger from me and helps himself to a bite. ‘That’s good. That’s really good.’

I retrieve my burger and throw him a slight smile. ‘I’m eating for two, y’know.’

‘You believe that myth, huh?’

I finish the burger and look back at the crowd of kids and parents outside the workshop. Hal’s started up one of the Harleys now, and it’s not just the kids who are looking on in awe.

‘I miss my bike,’ I sigh, wiping my hands on my napkin before throwing it into the trash.

‘You OK, Izzi? I mean, really OK?’

I don’t turn to face him immediately, because I was quite happy to hide behind that wall of small talk. It felt safe. I don’t actually want to go any place else, not with him. And I’m kind of wishing he hadn’t come back now. ‘I’m fine.’ I look at him, and he seems like a different man. He seems less on edge, less troubled, and I can’t work out why he’d come back here when it was this place that caused all his problems.
I
caused all his problems. So why is he back? ‘Really.’

‘You look well. Pregnancy suits you.’

I instinctively put a hand on my bump and I flinch slightly and then laugh as the baby gives me an almighty kick. And then I look up at Mack, but his eyes are down on my bump, and he’s got a look of amazement on his face as the baby kicks again, because it’s visible this time. You can actually see the kick happening.

‘Does that hurt?’ he asks, and I smile.

‘Not really. Just gives me a bit of a shock when he does it that hard, that’s all.’

‘He?’ His eyes meet mine, and I nod and smile again.

‘Yeah. I’m having a boy.’

‘A boy, huh?’

His eyes stay locked on mine, and for some reason I can’t explain I take his hand and place it lightly on my bump just as the baby kicks again, and he laughs out loud and splays his fingers as he drops his gaze.

‘Jesus… I mean, I ain’t felt nothing like that before…’

He raises his head and he looks at me, and I’m the one to break the stare. And he gets that, whatever this was, it’s over. And he slowly pulls his hand away and stands up.

‘I promised Sam I’d go help out, with something, so…’

‘Are you staying?’

He drops his gaze again and sticks his hands in his pockets, and I stand up, too.

‘Mack?’

‘I don’t know, Izzi.’ He looks up, and his eyes burn into mine. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing yet.’

‘Why’d you come back here? Didn’t it work out, wherever you were?’

‘It worked out just fine, darlin’, but sometimes constant sex and endless partying can wear a bit thin, y’know?’

I look down, and he reaches out and touches my cheek and I raise my gaze, and he pulls his hand away from my face.

‘I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to… I don’t know, why I came back… Jesus, that’s bullshit. Of course I know. I came back because of you. I came back because all those women, all that sex, all that freedom and nothing to do all day but ride and… I came back, because of
you
, Izzi.’

‘No,’ I whisper, because I don’t want to hear this, I am so not ready, to hear this. I don’t think I ever will be, and images of Zeb are rushing forward now, flooding my brain, and the pain of losing him hits me all over again. And I don’t think I can take it, it hurts way too much. ‘Don’t do this, Mack, don’t tell me that. Don’t.’

I step back from him, and I suddenly just want to get out of here, I want to go home and curl up on the couch and sleep. I don’t want to be here anymore.

‘Izzi…’

I don’t look at him, I don’t turn around. I need to find Cora, get the car keys from her and go home. And when she sees me her face becomes a mask of concern, she’s almost panicking.

‘Izzi? What’s the matter, honey? Is it the baby? Is something wrong?’

‘No, everything’s fine.’ I quickly pull myself together because the last thing I’m in the mood for is questions and a conversation about Mack. I just want to go home. ‘I’m just more tired than I thought I was. You were right. I should be resting.’

She doesn’t look too convinced, but she doesn’t question me, either. ‘OK… Come on, I’ll drive you home.’

‘No, it’s all right. I’ll drive myself. I’m not going to be much company, am I, if I’m going straight to bed. You can get a lift back with one of the guys, can’t you?’

‘Yeah, of course I can, but you really shouldn’t be…’

‘On my own? I’m gonna be fine, Cora. Really. I just want to go to bed, eat ice cream, and watch trash TV.’

She hesitates for a second, but then she finally gives in, fishes the keys from her pocket and hands them over. ‘You sure you’re OK? Because you really shouldn’t be driving…’

I just throw her a look, take the keys and head for the car before she can ask any more questions.

Mack Slayer’s back. And I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I’m
supposed
to feel about that. I don’t really know if I feel anything…

Chapter Twenty-Five

Izzi

‘You’ve really got to calm down in there, kiddo. Your mom would like a little “me” time to eat chocolate cake and ice cream and catch up on some
Grey’s Anatomy
, in peace. So, you know, a little break from the activity would be good.’

I open the fridge door and clutch my stomach as the strangest sensation cuts through me. And I don’t think that was a kick, I don’t know what it was, but it felt a little odd. I haven’t felt anything like that before. So I wait a second or two to see if it happens again, but it doesn’t. So I grab the cake and venture into the freezer for the ice cream. And I’m just on my way into the living room when there’s a knock at the door, and I let out a heavy sigh. It can’t be Cora, she’s got a key. So’s Sam. And I’m not really in the mood for visitors. But I head out into the hall to see who it is anyway. I’ll just play the tired and frazzled pregnant woman card, that’ll get rid of them.

‘I can’t have you run out on me like that, not without knowing you’re OK.’

I give another heavy sigh, but I don’t invite him in.

‘So?
Are
you OK?’

‘I’m fine. What’s not OK is everyone fussing around me like I’m made of fucking glass. I just want to be on my own, for an hour or so, is that so hard to understand?’

‘From what I can gather Sam ain’t that keen on you
being
alone, so if he knew…’

‘That
you
were here? With me? He’d be over here faster than you could say biker bitch. What do you want, Mack?’

‘I’m sorry, Izzi, OK? For saying what I said back there, my timing – it’s pretty crap.’

‘Did you mean it?’

‘I ain’t gonna lie, am I?’

‘It isn’t fair, Mack. Zeb’s only been dead seven months, and the only reason I have for getting up in the mornings now is this baby. I don’t give a fuck about anything else, I really don’t. Half the time I’m on auto pilot, just going through the motions, and if it wasn’t for my little boy, I’m not sure where I’d be. I was in self-destruct mode after Aiden and my dad died, Jesus, you know that, you were there, and I know – I
know
that if I’d lost this baby, I think I’d be dead, too. He is the
only
reason I do anything anymore. Nothing else matters.’

‘But it should. You can’t live like that, Izzi. You can’t shut yourself off like that…’

‘You need to go. I’m fine.’

He puts his foot in the way of the door as I try to close it, and I stare at him.

‘You need to go,’ I repeat, but he doesn’t move. And then that strange sensation happens again, and I step backwards into the hall, and he follows me, closing the door behind him.

‘Izzi?’

‘I’m fine.’ I take a couple of really deep breaths, and the pain subsides. ‘Just go, Mack.’

‘No. No, I ain’t leaving you alone. Come on. I’ll make you some tea. You still like tea, right?’

‘Not the way you make it.’

‘Yeah, yeah, less milk, I know. I’ll never understand you Brits…’

I take another deep breath and follow him into the kitchen. ‘You’re still a fucking arrogant bastard, then.’ It’s not a question. Because he is.

‘Never really lost it, sweetheart.’

He fills the kettle and fetches me a mug from the cupboard and I lean back against the counter as I watch this little scene of domestic normality play out, and I feel my heart shatter all over again. Because it should be Zeb here, doing this, making me tea and looking after me. It should be Zeb, not Mack, I don’t want Mack. I want my husband.

‘Izzi?’

I didn’t even realize I was crying, not until he was right up in front of me, wiping my tears away with his thumb. And I push him away, it’s a reflex action; I don’t want him touching me. I want Zeb.

‘Jesus, Izzi, come on, darlin’. You’re upset…’

‘I’m fine. Sometimes I just… I just miss him, so much. Too much. I’m about to have his baby and I… I miss him.’

He bows his head and I feel a small stab of guilt. It isn’t his fault, none of it. And I know he’s only here because he cares, but, it’s confusing. And I don’t want that, I don’t need it. Not now. It’s too late.

And then I feel that strange sensation wash over me again, and I clutch my stomach and look down as a gush of liquid suddenly crashes to the floor and I try not to panic, but this is real now. This is happening.

My waters have just broken.

My baby’s coming.

And I wish with all of my shattered heart that my husband was here…

Mack

Jesus Christ! What the fuck was that?

I look at her, and the panic on her face is very, very real, she’s scared. And I gotta take control here, ‘cause I don’t think she’s in any fit state right now.

‘Mack…’

‘It’s OK, baby. It’s all right, we’re gonna get you to the hospital…’

‘No!’ She reaches out and grabs my hand and she squeezes it so fucking tight it freakin’ hurts. ‘There isn’t time. I can feel him, he’s coming, and he isn’t going to hang around.’

She cries out again, and she squeezes my hand even harder, and I pull out my phone and call Cora. She’s on her way, and she’s gonna bring Sam, but right now it’s just me and Izzi and I gotta take control here. I just ain’t got a fucking clue what to do.

‘I can do this, I can do this….’

She’s repeating that like some kinda mantra, and then she clutches her stomach and cries out again and she sinks to the floor, letting go of my hand as she falls to her knees. And I’m down there with her, of course I am.

‘OK, darlin’, we got this. All right? We got this, we’re gonna do this.’

‘I’m scared, Mack.’

‘I know, baby, I know.’

What the hell do I do here? I mean, I ain’t ever had to deal with this kinda thing before, but I can’t let her see how freakin’ lost I am. I need to be here for her, I need to deal with this.

She grabs my hand and squeezes it hard as she cries out again and I sit back against the cupboards and pull her between my legs. I ain’t Zeb, I can’t give her that, but I can try and give her some kinda comfort, it’s all I
can
do. And she leans back against me, her body almost sagging as the pain subsides, and her grip on my hand loosens slightly but it’s just minutes before it all starts up again, and she’s wracked with another wave of the kinda pain I ain’t sure I can even begin to understand.
 
And I just hold her, like I said, that’s all I can do, but the relief I feel as I hear the front door open and Cora runs in – man, am I glad to see her.

‘Izzi, honey, it’s OK, I’m here now. I’m here, and so’s Sam.’

She keeps hold of my hand, and she nods, and she looks so tired, so scared. And I’m scared, too. So fucking scared, of so fucking much.

‘You can go now.’

I look up at Cora, and I shake my head. ‘I ain’t going nowhere.’

‘I don’t want him to go,’ Izzi whispers, and she squeezes my hand again as another contraction takes hold. This little guy really is in a hurry to get out, so I don’t think any of us has got much time to sit here and talk about who’s staying and who ain’t.

‘You sure?’ Cora asks her, and Izzi nods and lays her head back against my shoulder. And I know I’m just her Zeb subsitute, and when she closes her eyes and squeezes my hand she’ll be pretending I’m him but I’m OK with that. I just want her to get through this any way she can. ‘OK… sweetheart, can you let me see what’s going on down there?’

‘Ambulance is on its way.’

Sam walks into the kitchen, and he’s like a wave of calm as he surverys the scene, but he don’t comment on it. He just heads off into the back room and comes out with an armful of towels, this ain’t fazing him one bit. I’m beginning to wonder if anything fazes him.

‘Oh, Jesus, fucking
Christ!
’ Izzi cries out again and I grip her hand and gently stroke her arm as she throws her head back against me.

‘Come on, darlin’. You can do this,’ I murmur, and she squeezes my hand and turns her head so it’s almost buried in my shoulder, and I feel a pain so raw flood through me.

‘You’re gonna have to push now, Izzi, y’hear me?’ Cora says, ‘cause she’s the one taking charge down there, she’s running this show now. ‘I can see his head, Jesus, this little guy’s in a hurry. You gonna do that for me, honey? You gonna push now?’

Izzi clutches my hand again, and she reaches for my other one, her fingers intertwining with mine as she rests our joined hands over her bump and I feel her bear down, and I breathe with her as she pushes, and this is some freakin’ crazy shit, man…

‘Good girl!’ Cora smiles, and she briefly looks up but I don’t think Izzi’s smiling back. Not yet. ‘It’s not gonna be long now, Izzi, he’s almost out. If you lean forward a bit you can see him…’

‘Where’s Sam?’ Izzi gasps, and as she slowly leans forward I lean forward with her, and I look down, and that crazy shit I was feeling before – that just got knocked right outta the park, ‘cause what I’m seeing now…

Izzi

I feel the tears start to stream down my face as I look down, and I see him; the first glimpse of my baby. Of Zeb’s baby.

‘One more push, Izzi. As soon as you feel the urge, you just give it all you got, sweetheart.’

‘Where’s Sam?’ I repeat the question, and Cora jerks her head back in the direction of the hall, and I can hear voices – familiar voices – so I’m guessing some of the guys from the club have turned up too, but as I feel that need to push overwhelm me again I cling onto Mack’s hand and I push so hard, and I hear him whispering encouragement and I really am grateful he’s here. Now. I needed someone to be here, like this, when this happened. I needed to be held, I needed a hand holding mine, I needed
this
.

‘
Sam!
’

I hear Cora yelling for Sam, and I lean back against Mack and he holds me, and I’m still crying because I miss Zeb so much my heart is breaking all over again.

‘
Sam!
He’s almost here,
come on!
One more push, Izzi, and I mean it this time. One more push and your son’ll be here.’

I close my eyes and feel Mack’s fingers close in around mine again as I breathe in deep, and I cry out in pain and relief and sheer exhaustion as I feel my baby slip out of me; hear his cries fill the room and I just break down. And Mack’s arms fall around me and he cradles me, he rocks me as I sob my heart out, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired and overwhelmed and so fucking over-emotional… I just feel like something’s happened that terrifies me more than anything I’ve ever had to face, this is something else. And I’m so fucking scared.

‘Izzi?’

I open my eyes and I look up, and Cora’s smiling, and she’s holding this tiny, tiny bundle and I instinctively hold out my arms and she places him in them, and I pull my baby boy to me. And he’s beautiful. He has Zeb’s eyes, and that just breaks my heart even more but this little man, he’s going to help me fix that. I lean over and kiss his forehead, and he’s warm and soft and I can’t believe he’s here. That me and Zeb – out of all that crazy, messed-up shit came him. We made him. We created him, God help him. But I suddenly feel such a powerful, fierce need to protect my son well up inside me, it’s filling me, consuming me, and I know now why I have to be strong. For him. He needs me. More than he’ll ever know. ‘Hey, baby boy. I’ve been waiting to meet you.’