Betrayed (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 2) (8 page)

‘I don’t want him to know, Zeb. He doesn’t
need
to know.’

‘So you’re protecting
him
from the truth but it’s OK for me to kill my own father? And if I don’t want no part of this, what then? Suddenly I’m not worthy of your trust no more? After every fucking thing I’ve done for you?’

 
‘I’m not saying that… This life isn’t an easy one, Zeb. It’s full of lies and betrayal and the only person you can really trust is yourself.’

I’m just fucking confused now. And I keep my eyes fixed on him as he moves a step or two closer to me, his hands still in his pockets, his expression dark.

‘I trust you won’t be seeing Kes again until I tell you to do so.’

That wasn’t a question. That was an order. But I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do. I just ain’t telling
him
that…

Mack

I’m minding my own business, leaning back against my bike, drawing on a joint when Sam pulls up in his ridiculously suburban black car. Who’s he trying to fucking kid?

‘You come to see someone?’ I ask, blowing smoke into the air as he shuts the car door and walks over to me.

‘You, actually. I need a word.’

I raise an eyebrow and take one more drag on the joint before throwing the remainder on the ground and stamping it into the concrete. ‘What about?’ I ain’t in any kinda mood today so this better be quick.

‘Remember what I told you, Mack? If you still want Izzi then you need to walk away – from this club, from this town, from this
life
, you can’t stay here.’

‘I ain’t doing this, Sam, OK? So take whatever bullshit this is and shove it.’

‘I think you still want her. And I think you’re already planning how that’s gonna happen…’ He stops talking and looks right at me, his eyes almost penetrating my fucking soul he’s staring that deep. ‘And I also think you know – you
know
, don’t you? You know that the only way you and her can ever be together is to leave everything you’ve ever known behind and start again. A whole new life. A brand new beginning.’

‘You’re talking crap, Sam.’

‘Just be careful, Mack.’

What the hell is this? What fucking right does he have to come here and lay this shit on me? ‘Anything else you want?’ I ain’t giving him what he’s looking for. He ain’t getting a reaction.

‘She’s happy, with Zeb.’

‘You know that, do you?’

‘You know different?’

‘Like I said, Sam, take this bullshit and shove it.’

I leave him outside and head into the clubhouse. My world really ain’t like it used to be. There are days now when I feel like all this crap’s going on around me but I’m just watching from the sidelines, looking in on something I’m slowly being pulled back from. I’m moving further and further away from everything I’ve ever known and I could easily stop that from happening, I just don’t want to. I
want
something different, but only if she’s with me. She made me this way, she turned me into this person and now I’ve gotta see whether we’re going full circle on this one. Or whether my life really is just gonna be fucked up for the rest of it.

‘Hey. Mack.’

Jesus, I need this, don’t I?

‘What?’ I turn around to face Zeb, his face only slightly cut and bruised from yesterday. Thought I’d done way more damage than that. Yeah. Really must be losing my touch.

He walks over to me, and I’m ready for anything he’s gonna throw at me ‘cause, man, I really ain’t in no mood. ‘Listen, brother, I just wanna say, I’m sorry. OK?’

What the fuck…?
‘Sorry?’

‘For what I said about you and Izzi. I put her straight, y’see. Told her where her loyalties gotta lie now. She’s my old lady and she gotta play by those rules.’

I narrow my eyes and stare him down. The fucking pricks are coming outta the woodwork today.

‘But when I said you weren’t fit to be President, no… I meant that. My wife, she’s messed with your head, she’s made you weak and I don’t think you’re ever gonna come back from that. I think you’re done here, Mack. So, here’s the thing. If Izzi ain’t ever gonna play that game no more, and you can’t let that go, then there’s really no place for you here no more. Is there?’

Fuck this shit! I’m freakin’ done with the assholes today.

I walk away without giving him anything, ‘cause he ain’t gonna play me like that. And right now I got somewhere I need to be. Somewhere where weak is the last thing I’m gonna fucking be…

Izzi

‘Here. You look like you could do with this.’

Cora hands me a tumbler with more than a decent measure of vodka in it and I smile my thanks and take a sip, scrunching my eyes shut as the liquid sears my throat.

‘You can talk to me, Izzi. I been around this life long enough to see the signs, to know when something ain’t right and you, honey – you’re showing those signs.’

I take another sip of vodka and pull myself up onto the counter, watching as Cora applies the last of her make-up. She’s on stage in a little while, and I’m going to hang around and watch her. I’ve been hanging around
Six
for most of the day, if I’m honest. I just needed to be somewhere Zeb and Mack weren’t, and it’s been nice, hanging out with the girls and watching them work. Do I miss being a part of all that? Not really. No. I think that time in my life was more messed-up than I believed it to be. And even if I wanted to get back out there, I can’t. Not now. Zeb wouldn’t allow it. ‘I don’t know what to do, Cora.’

‘About what?’

I cross my legs up underneath myself and look down into the tumbler, swirling the vodka round and around inside the glass. I don’t know how much to tell her. I don’t how safe it is to tell her anything, do I trust her? I need to, if I’m going to tell her how I’m really feeling.

She turns in her chair and I feel her eyes on me, so I look up.

‘You’re asking yourself if you can trust me, aren’t you?’

I smile, but it’s a weak one. ‘Yes. Because I…’ I shrug and take another sip of vodka, waiting until it hits my stomach before I speak again. ‘Sometimes I wish I could go back, y’know? Deal with everything in a very different way.’

‘And not be a part of all this, huh?’

I bow my head and take a deep breath. ‘I guess I lived on adrenaline, because all I could see was that retribution I thought I so desperately needed. And when it happened… when I finally got what I thought I’d wanted… needed…’ I stop talking and throw back my head, taking another deep breath and exhaling slowly, my fingers wrapping tightly
 
around the tumbler. ‘It took a while, for that adrenaline rush to fade, for me to actually begin to settle down and realize just what the hell I’d done.’ I look at Cora, and her eyes – they’re kind. They’re probably the kindest eyes I’ve ever looked into since this whole fucked-up journey began. So, yeah, I think I can trust her. I think I have to, because I’m going to go crazy if I keep this bottled up inside for too much longer. ‘But now I’m seeing everything that little bit clearer.’

‘What did you do, honey?’

‘I killed a man.’

She says nothing to that. She doesn’t flinch, her expression doesn’t even waver, it’s like she half expected that answer. And she doesn’t push me on it, she doesn’t ask me to elaborate and I wonder if that’s because she already knows what happened; what I did, and my reasons why.

She rests her chin in her hand and her eyes stay locked on mine. ‘Do you feel like you belong here? In this world? In this
life
?’

‘I used to. I used to think there was no way I could ever go back, after everything I’d done; everything that had happened. I used to think that this was it now. And I thought I was OK with that, y’know? I had Zeb and Sam and a life that was treating me all right. I just… I just don’t know if it’s the life I want anymore; if it’s the life I
need
.’

‘And what about Zeb? You regret marrying him?’

I drop my gaze and finish the vodka, closing my eyes as the last of the alcohol settles in my stomach. ‘I don’t know. He makes me feel safe and yet, at the same time, he scares me. And sometimes I’m all right with that, because somewhere inside there’s this woman who still gets off on the risks and the fear this whole fucked-up world throws at me. Zeb turned me into that woman, and she’s still there, I mean, it’s going to be hard to ever rid myself of her. I’ll never completely be the woman I used to be, and I’m not sure I want to be her anyway. But I don’t know if I can be the woman Zeb wants me to be, either.’ I look back up at Cora. ‘I don’t really know who I am now.’

‘Do you love him, Izzi? Zeb. Do you love him?’

‘There are days when I love him so much, or that’s what it feels like. And there are days when I don’t know what I feel.’ I sigh quietly and put the empty glass down beside me, clasping my hands together in my lap, my eyes back down. ‘He came home last night, drunk and full of hell… Him and Mack, they’d had some kind of fight at the clubhouse, and I don’t know what had gone on or what it was about, but suddenly he’s laying all that macho biker shit on me – I belong to him now, I play by his rules… He accused me of still having feelings for Mack and I…’

‘Do you?’

My head shoots up and my eyes lock with hers. ‘Do I what?’

‘Still have feelings for Mack?’

‘Yes.’ The word slips out of my mouth so quickly, without giving me time to even think about what I’m saying, but as soon as it’s out there it feels as though a huge weight has just lifted from my shoulders. But I also know that, in this world, what I’m about to admit to means that weight will return, heavier and more dangerous than ever.

‘What you and Mack had…?’

‘Was a mess, Cora. It was a real, crazy mess, because my head was so fucked-up, I had no idea what I was doing. And he didn’t deserve the crap I put him through. And I regret what happened, I regret what I did; I regret pushing him away for something that only fucked me up even more. I’ve been stupid and I crossed lines I wish I hadn’t gone anywhere near and I regret… I regret losing him.’

‘Oh, honey…’ She reaches out and takes my hand and I like the way it feels when she squeezes it gently. It’s a true, pure, friendly gesture with no ulterior motive or hidden meaning and for a few, brief seconds everything feels normal in a world that is so far from that.

‘He wanted to leave this life, Cora. He was willing to give up everything for me and I threw that back in his face, and he still came looking for me. But it was too late.’

She squeezes my hand again and I bite down on my lip to try and stop the tears from falling, Jesus, I’m crying? I can’t do that. I can’t do
this
. I can’t risk it. I need to suck it all up and get on with the life I’ve been handed. I need to grow up, move on and be that person I have to be now.

‘It’s too late,’ I whisper, pulling my hand from Cora’s and sliding down from the countertop.

‘Izzi…’

She stands up and comes over to me, but I just want to go outside now and get another drink. ‘You won’t say anything to anyone, will you? About what I’ve said. I’m Zeb’s old lady, Cora, and I need to start working at that. I need to be his wife because anything else… anything else isn’t an option anymore.’

‘Isn’t it?’

I look at her, and there’s something behind her eyes that I can’t quite read. They’re almost sad, and that confuses me slightly. And then she reaches out and takes both my hands in hers but her eyes never leave mine.