Betrayed (The Worshipped Series Book 2) (18 page)

She watches me as I bathe her. I take my time and wash her from head to toe. We don’t say a word to each other as I clean her beautiful body. Once I am done, I kiss her on her forehead and I let her rest.

 I walk out of the bathroom and have to rush to grab my ringing phone. The last person I want to see shows up on the caller ID and it’s the last person I want to talk to right now. Unfortunately, I have to step back into my fucked up life. As soon as I hear the cartel leader’s voice, Roderick, I wish I would’ve let the call go to voicemail. I don’t have any answers for him right now, and I know he is not going to like that at all. I will have to play this one very good if I hope to survive this. I look back to the bathroom where I know Karen is at, and I take a deep breath. 

“What can I do for you Roderick?”

I soak in the tub thinking about what the fuck just happened. I can’t seem to figure out how everything escalated so quickly the way it did. I should’ve never let it happen to begin with. I should’ve….fuck I don’t know. Jason has so much power and control over me. I don’t like that. I can’t like that. It will only end in disaster if I let him do this to me. I can’t be with this dangerous man. He almost killed Frankie for God’s sake! 

I sink lower into the tub and try to clear all thoughts of Jason. But that fails very quickly when I flinch from the sting in my ass. I’m going to be sore from that for a week or two. My inner goddess is so fucking pleased with herself right now. She’s laying back on the bed her legs still spread wide open and smiling. I need to get better control of my inner self. I never thought I would be the kind of person who has to fight with herself on something like this. It’s crazy! Should I go find a damn therapist now? Probably won’t hurt. 

Jason is the most confusing ass known to man. I thought for sure he was actually going to hurt me. But no, he used sex against me. Hell that’s almost just as bad. I was consumed again by him and yes, he made me feel things, but fuck I didn’t ask for any of this. I don’t want any of this. Is it sad and pathetic that I keep trying to convince myself of that more than anything? 

The truth is, I loved every goddamn second of it.

I loved the way he controlled my body, the way he touched me, the way the hit me over and over with his belt. I loved every single moment of it. And knowing this, it’s not sitting well with me. I shouldn’t like any of this. I shouldn’t want him to do it again. I’m not sure what to do with this new found confession. I should feel afraid, or something other than fucking excitement. 

Maybe the turning point was when he picked me up off the bed. The way he held me close to his chest and the way he cared for me afterwards, it did something to me. He cared for me like I was so precious to him. As if I am the only one for him. But what kind of person does this make me? Am I a horrible person for wanting a man like Jason? I don’t know the answers are to that. I don’t know if I can forgive him for the things he has done. I just know I still freaking love him. 

I’m in love with a monster. 

These feeling I have for Jason have been there for a long time. I thought I was falling in love with him way before he kidnapped me. And I fought with myself with how he made me feel and deep down I knew how I truly felt. But what sane person wants to admit this? Jason has darkness inside of him. I can see it in him and I know that darkness takes over a lot of the time. I know that is why he attacked Frankie. Why he almost killed him. I’m still surprised I got through to him and was able to save Frankie. 

If there is a way to get away from it all I still don’t know if I will take the chance now. I know I fucked up today by calling Riley. I know Jason is going to keep moving us now. Even more than before. But that was before I was able to come to terms with my feelings for him. What if this is fates fucked up way in showing me the truth? I won’t stop fighting him. That’s just who I am. But I need to let him protect me and do what he thinks is right. Even if I don’t agree with any of it. Even if I don’t fully understand what’s going on. All of this is so confusing. Part of me wants to give into everything he wants. But the other part of me, doesn’t want any of this. This part knows how wrong and fucked up it is. 

I give up on trying to make sense of my feelings. It’s no use to try and figure it all out at once. I pull the plug in the tub and I dry myself off. I have to be careful on my ass, because it’s still stinging. I wrap the towel tightly around my body, as if it can somehow protect me and how I am feeling. As if it can protect me from the way Jason makes me feel. If only it were that easy. My life isn’t perfect, but all that has happened in the past few weeks is starting to take a toll on me. 

I walk out of the bathroom and see Jason isn’t there. I know better than to think he left. I know he’s close by. If he left, he would’ve tied me to the bed. 

I brush out my hair, not even bothering to dry it. California Nights by Best Coast comes to mind as I sit gently on the bed. I close my eyes as I let the song take over my mind and body. It feels so damned good to just let go for a minute. I haven’t let go of anything for a very long time. I have become a different person than I was when I was fourteen. I don’t know how to be Karen without the control. I don’t know if I can be the woman Jason needs me to be. Can I still be Karen without control in my life? There is a reason I am a control freak. A very good reason, and I have been this way for so long. 

So damned long.  

I stare at the wall in front of me and I try to push back the thoughts of Katie. I try not to think of her beautiful face, her smile, and the way her whole face lit up when she laughed. Katie and I were doppelgangers. We had the same dirty blonde hair. The same light brown eyes and the same body type. Even our facial features were almost identical. The biggest difference between us was Katie had freckles on her nose. Her cheeks were a little fuller than mine and she had the best personality. She was always laughing or making jokes. She was always helping people in her own way. Never once do I remember Katie being selfish or acting like a brat. 

I on the other hand, was the complete opposite. I was shy, quite, and was never quite sure of myself. Complete change from what I am today for sure. 

This one time she had asked our father if we could spend the weekend helping out at the local homeless shelter. When my father asked why she would want to do something like that, she replied, “Why not? Dad, we can help them. Even if it’s for the weekend or a day. They will be grateful for anything.” And we did help them for that weekend. She was all smiles and making the best time out of it. She never once complained about anything. 

That was one year before she died. 

I have to think of something else. I haven’t thought of that horrible day in God knows how long. I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting back the tears that want to break free. I cannot let them. I will not be sad for Katie. I will not mourn for her.  

I think of the first thing that pops into my head and I am glad for it. Although it’s one of Jason and I, I don’t try and stop the memory from surfacing. It’s actually one of my favorite times with him. A time when I thought he was Josh instead of Jason. A time when I thought he was the perfect man for me. 

It was our first date. He had been trying for weeks to get me to go out with him after we met at Jake’s Bar. I don’t know why at the time I always found an excuse not to go. Maybe I knew back then what kind of person he really was and deep down I thought he was hiding something. 

Was I ever right about that? 

I agreed to one date in the hopes he would stop calling me and randomly showing up at my door begging for a chance. I always kicked myself for leaving my damn wallet behind that first night we met. If it wasn’t for my forgetfulness, he would have never known where I lived. I didn’t know why he was so interested in me back then. I still don’t understand it. I reluctantly agreed and a few days later, he picked me up right at seven and took me to a small restaurant outside of town.  

I hadn’t known the small steakhouse even existed. The only times I had ever gone out was with Riley and we would either go to our usual spots close to home or to Jake’s Bar. I remember being excited. I never got excited with men. The last time I had been with anyone was back when I was in med school. 

That whole experience was a complete disaster. The guy, Brad, took me to a bar and got drunk. He tried but failed miserably at seducing me. He was all handsy and I was not having it. I still don’t know why I had even agreed to go out with him. It was a stupid mistake and after I took him back to his apartment, I never spoke with him again. He called countless times to try to apologize, but as soon as I heard his voice on the voicemail, I deleted them. He never made me feel an ounce of what Jason makes me feel. If anything the way Jason makes me feel has only gotten stronger. Maybe that’s why I started to focus solely on getting my degree and starting my career. Men weren’t my priority. I built my small practice from the ground up with the help of my parents. I never had a reason not to miss men or anything, until Jason barged into my life.  

Jason, or Josh as it was, seemed nervous on the night of our first date. I wasn’t sure why. He seemed so sure of himself and he put off a powerful kind of vibe. If anything I was the one who was nervous. I hadn’t been out on a date in a very long time, and I worried I had forgotten what to do. 

Russell’s, the small steakhouse, was very nice. It had a cabin feel to it and wasn’t overly packed. The tables were all made of oak wood and it smelled of cedar. On each table small lanterns burned bright with candles. Russell’s had an outdoor feel to it and made me miss the summer’s we spent at our family cabin. 

We were seated in the back of the restaurant at a table for two. I dressed casual, trying to show that it might not progress. I hadn’t wanted to go to begin with. I had on a white blouse and a pencil skirt with some heels. I looked more professional than sexy and I wanted Josh to know this wasn’t going anywhere. He may have caught my eye and bought me a few drinks at Jake’s Bar, but if he really wanted me, he was going have to work for it. 

When our waitress came to take our drink orders, Josh ordered for the both of us. That didn’t sit well with me at all. I am perfectly capable of speaking for myself and I kept thinking what had I gotten myself into when he asked, “What’s that sour look for?”

“I can order myself thank you very much,” I told him with a bit more sass than I intended to.  

He laughed and I gave him a questioning look. I didn’t understand why he thought what I said was funny. What had I gotten myself into? I didn’t need to be out on a date with a demanding man. That’s the last thing I needed in my life. He mumbled something that I didn’t really catch. I thought he said something about not being what he expected, but I wasn’t for sure. 

Our waitress came back a little later with our drinks. I looked at Josh and he wasn’t paying a bit of attention to the cute blonde waitress. She was begging for his attention, but he was looking right at me. His gaze made me squirm in my chair for some reason. I didn’t know why that look affected me so much. Josh ordered his food and the waitress turned to me for mine. 

“I would like the New York strip. Medium, just a touch of pink. Don’t overcook it. I want a fresh salad, none of that left over stuff, and make sure my fries are freshly cooked as well.”

The waitress gave me the eye roll and turned without so much as a thanks or an offer of getting us anything else. She didn’t even bother to take our menus with her. I let out an annoyed sigh and set my menu on the other side of the table. I felt Josh’s stare and I turned to him. 

“What?” 

“You’re a bit of a control freak.” At least he’s honest. 

“And? I know what I like and how I like it. Nothing wrong with that.”

What the hell was his problem? I hoped he wasn’t the type of guy that was intimidated by a strong woman. It wouldn’t work out well for us if that’s the case. Josh leaned in closer to me and I had to stop myself from closing the distance between us. I could smell his cologne and fuck he smelled good. It had been way to long since I had been with anyone. That was why I reacted that way. That had to be it.

“Something tells me there’s more to you than you let off,” he told me and placed his hand on my thigh. I resist the urge to brush off his hand. I normally don’t let strange men touch me, but at the same time, I liked that his hand was there. 

“What else do you think you know about me?” I asked him. God was I flirting? I don’t flirt. Ever. 

He laughed and told me all the things I wanted. He told me all the things I needed to hear from a man. We spent a few hours at that little steakhouse. And I will admit, I was surprised it had gone as well as it had. I thought for sure I would’ve ended up leaving, or slapping him in his face for being just as blunt as I was. It was actually really nice to have someone who got me so quickly. But at the same time, I had to keep myself guarded. I didn’t know him, and there was something off about him. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but he would always steer the conversation about me or something else other than himself.