Between Friends (23 page)

She never could remember anything that had happened the entire day in classes. Nothing until afterward when she’d walked to the nearest commuter station and boarded a train into the city, for the first time by herself. Dallas had had no idea how expensive anything was going to be and had only enough money for her train ticket and bus fare, and two dollars left over. She wasn’t used to the city and got off the bus by mistake a half mile from the street Alex had given her. She walked the rest of the way, both frightened and fascinated with the energy of the streets, of the people and overwhelming noise. The homes here were different. Smaller and closer together, mixed in with three- or four-storied buildings with apartments above and storefronts below. She knew she must have looked out of place, too wide-eyed, because men watched her. She could feel their gazes searching beneath her clothing and exposing her. This thing of her body changing and sloughing off the rest of childhood was terrible. And now men and boys wanted her,
not
because of herself, but her body. They were constantly in season … sniffing about for
anyone
in heat.

Dallas reached the address Alex had given her. There was no answer when she rang the bell in the tiny vestibule of the building. She panicked. What if she’d remembered it wrong? What if he’d forgotten, or had no intentions of showing up? How long should she wait? Dallas began to experience the utter foolishness of her mission. What was she going to do … except to return back home?

She left the building and glanced around the strange street. Suddenly it was no longer an adventure and seemed like an awful mistake to have come. She began walking aimlessly down the street, until slowly tears filled her eyes and ran down her face, blurring her vision. Suddenly she couldn’t stand the noise or the people or the city and wished she were home again. Dallas didn’t know what to do. She completely circled the block. Crossed beneath an elevated train. She passed signs with the name Bay Ridge. She had no idea where she was or how to get back to the rail line in Flatbush.

The houses were right on top of each other, and she began to feel closed in and crowded. It was dusk now, and chilly. She cried as she walked, scrubbing the heel of her hand, like a child, across her eyes. Sniffling up with nothing to wipe her runny nose.

Dallas arrived back where she’d started. She entered the building and again tried the bell. Nothing.

She sat down on the two steps in the foyer and then the crying continued. She was going to have to call her father. She was going to have to …

Someone rushed into the door and stopped short in front of her. Dallas raised her head and through her tears saw Alex. She just stared at him, and he at her. She was so glad that he’d shown up that she cried even harder, burying her face in her folded arms.

“I know I’m late. You been waiting long?” Alex hesitated. “Jesus Christ … are you okay?”

She couldn’t say a thing. Just shook her head and cried. Dallas heard him sigh heavily.

“Christ …” he repeated, a touch of anxiety in his tone. “Okay, okay … let’s go inside.”

She heard the jangle of keys, the front door being unlocked and opened. She stood up and blindly followed Alex into the building. It smelled musty and stale. She’d never known anything like it. She couldn’t remember if she’d ever even been in an apartment building before. Alex was already ahead of her, taking the stairs two at a time. Dallas reached the second floor as Alex continued up the final flight to the third level. By the time she got there she’d almost stopped crying because she was out of breath. A door stood open into an apartment, and she cautiously approached, peering inside. Dallas jumped when Alex appeared again, running his hand through his hair.

“Come on in,” he said awkwardly.

She stepped into the room past Alex, and he closed and locked the door behind her. Dallas slowly walked into the center of the room and realized that this was pretty much it. She glanced around at the large open studio space, but didn’t really notice very much. Nothing that she was ever able to recall later when she was alone again. Except for a love seat, a table, and a floor lamp. The bed. Not really a bed. A platform base with a mattress on top. The bed was unmade. She stared at it. It had never even occurred to Dallas that Alex might have a girlfriend. A wife! What if there had been someone with him that very morning—or the night before—in that bed?

“What did Nick do to you?”

Dallas spun around to face Alex. She felt immediately comforted because he looked the same as the first time she’d met him. Only … there was something older about him, too. In his eyes and the set of his mouth. His face didn’t look quite so thin. His mouth seemed …

“Nick? Nicholas?” Dallas repeated absently. She was suddenly wondering if Alex would look at her the way the boys at school did. He showed impatience, standing with his hands braced on his hips.

“Yeah, Nick. What did he do? Did he try to …”

Dallas blushed and turned away. She shook her head.

“Did he hit you again?”

She gnawed her lip and hugged herself. “It wasn’t Nick.”

“It wasn’t?” Alex questioned, confused. “Then who …”

Dallas took a deep breath and faced Alex once more. She played with her hair. “It … it wasn’t anybody.” She felt awkward. It hadn’t occurred to Dallas that she’d actually have to say it to him. Ask him.

He gestured toward her with his hand. “Wait a minute. What do you mean, it wasn’t Nick. It wasn’t anybody? Then … what’s going on? Why did you call me?”

Dallas looked at Alex and her heart began to pound. She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t even form the words.

“Answer me,” he said firmly, annoyance sharpening his tone and making Dallas jump.

“I … I wanted …” She swallowed but felt the tears building up again. This wasn’t going to work. What she wanted, Dallas suddenly realized, perhaps even Alex could not give her.

He sighed, shaking his head in exasperation. “Dallas …” He walked toward her.

Dallas stood riveted, afraid to move. Was he going to get angry with her? Was he going to shake her? Alex took hold of her arms and made her face him squarely. He tucked himself down a little, bending his head so he could look her right in the eye. His voice once again tried patience.

“I’m not going to hurt you. You know that. I’m not going to be mad at you. No matter what it is. Just tell me. What happened?”

She stared at him. She felt so guilty and so ashamed. But she’d come this far on nerve and determination.

“I … want you to go to bed with me.” Her voice was barely audible.

Alex stood stone-still, not even blinking. “Say that again,” he slowly commanded, as if he didn’t understand the words, let alone the request.

Dallas took a deep breath. “I want you to … to … take my virginity.”

“You want me to …” Alex attempted.

His features contorted into an expression of utter disbelief. He released her as if her skin burned his hands. Alex began shaking his head as he squeezed his eyes closed and began muttering, “No … no, this isn’t happening. It
can’t
be …”

“But I want you to …”

“I don’t care what you want,” Alex thundered, glaring at her. “Are you crazy? Where did you get an idea like that? This isn’t how it’s done.” He combed his hands through his hair, and began to pace back and forth in front of her. “You don’t go up to some guy and say … and … and say …” He looked helpless again, and gave up, walking away from her. “Jesus … oh, man …
fuck
!”

“I know how it’s done,” Dallas countered, revving herself up for an argument.

“Good! Then you also know it happens when two people like each other, and they’ve been going together for a while, and …”

“I want you to do it.”

“Stop saying that, will you?” Alex demanded. He marched over to her and took her arm. He began to propel her back to the door. “Look … go home. You had a fight with your boyfriend, then make up with him. Or find somebody else.” He jerked open the door and stood aside for her to leave. “It just can’t be me.”

Dallas felt her shame spread, embarrassment creeping over her. And oddly, the more Alex objected, the more Dallas was convinced that she was doing the right thing. And she had no intention of being turned away.

When she just stood staring silently at him, Alex raised his hands in surrender. “I won’t say anything about this, I swear.”

“I know you won’t,” Dallas said, her voice stronger now, the tears completely gone. “That’s one of the reasons why I chose you.”

Alex snorted in disbelief. “You
chose
me? What is this? Some sort of lottery?”

“Please listen to me. I know what I’m doing. I know what I want. I know you don’t really care about me …”

“Dallas … it’s not that I don’t care about you,” Alex began slowly. “But we don’t know squat about each other. You can’t just go up to someone and say, will you bust my cherry …” She looked blank, and Alex cringed, coloring over. “You know what I mean.”

“I still want you to do it to me.”

“Why me?” he asked frantically. “You telling me there’s not one horny guy in your whole goddamn school that doesn’t want to screw you?”

“Yeah, lots of them,” Dallas admitted. “But that’s all they want to do. Be the first.”

“Well, somebody has to, Dallas.”

“I know, but … I want to decide who it is. And I don’t want it to be anybody from school. I thought about it, and … I decided that if I wasn’t a virgin anymore, then they’d leave me alone.”

Alex shook his head, looking both sad and amused. He reached out and gave the door a gentle push to close it again. “They won’t leave you alone, I can guarantee that. You just make it easier for them to run a line on you. Guys just have one thing on their mind.”

“I know.”

Alex continued to look at her for a long moment before muttering some profanity under his breath. He approached a bookcase and reached for a pack of opened cigarettes. Shaking one out of the pack, he took matches from his shirt pocket and lit it, inhaling deeply and blowing the smoke up toward the ceiling. Putting one hand into the pocket of his jeans, Alex walked to stare out the window. Dallas watched him. He wasn’t going to just send her home. But she was still a long way from convincing him that she really wanted him to do this.

“How come you couldn’t ask someone you know in school? All those young bloods … If all you want to do is get rid of your virginity, what’s the big deal?”

Dallas came toward him, but he didn’t turn around. She stopped, and then just sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. She realized that she still had her school knapsack hanging from her shoulder. Dallas shrugged it off and let it drop to the floor at her feet.

“Because it won’t mean anything to them. I’m sick of being a virgin and being treated like I have a disease. Everyone thinks I’m so different.”

He said nothing for a moment, and then finally turned around. “What do you mean, you’re different? How come?”

Dallas shrugged, blushing. “I just am, that’s all.”

Alex began to walk back to her. He stood looking down at her, forcing Dallas to crane her neck to see his face and expression. It was thoughtful. Not angry anymore. He made a vague gesture with his hand.

“Why did you call me? Why are you asking me to do this?”

“Because … I trust you,” she said in a small voice.

“How do you know that?” Alex persisted.

“You didn’t let Nicholas hurt me last year, when he tried to rape me. You didn’t tell Lillian. You didn’t make fun of me or call me …”

“Go on.”

“Nicholas called me a nigger,” Dallas whispered, and then looked at Alex sharply to see his response.

Alex winced and shook his head. He bent down and reached behind him, pulling up a chair to sit in front of her. He leaned toward her, bracing his forearms on his thighs. The lit cigarette dangled from his fingers, the smoke curling up between them in front of his face. “Dallas, how do you know I don’t feel or think the same thing about you?”

“I don’t,” she admitted honestly. “But I think I would know if you did. I always know when people don’t like me.”

He rubbed his forehead, his gaze wandering over her face. “I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like you,” Alex murmured.

“Does that mean you’ll do it?”

He frowned at her. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

Dallas nodded.

“Look … don’t you understand that going to bed with a man, having sex, is supposed to be something really special?”

“What’s so special about being a virgin? I bet the first time you were with a girl you couldn’t wait.”

He chuckled. “You’re right. My balls almost turned blue, I was so ready.” He caught himself and shrugged. “Sorry …”

“See what I mean? If you didn’t care what I thought or how I’d feel, you wouldn’t apologize.”

“That’s not the same thing as …”

“Please? I won’t be sorry. I know it might hurt a little, but I won’t blame you, honest.”

“You really think it’s not so important? And when your virginity is gone, things will be easier for you?”

Dallas shrugged. “How come it’s so important?”

Alex shook his head wryly. “I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t anymore.” He looked pensive for a moment, took a last drag on the cigarette, and stubbed it out in an ashtray that was on the floor by the foot of the bed. “My mother once told me that a long time ago if a girl lost her virginity before she was married, she was called a tramp.”

“The first time you were with a girl, did you think she was a tramp?” Dallas asked.

“Hell, no. I was too grateful,” Alex said slyly. “But you’re the first girl to
ask
me to do this.”

They stared at each other, and Dallas watched as Alex inventoried her face, a slight frown between his brows, his jaw tensing with his thoughts. He leaned forward again, clasping his fists together and resting his mouth and chin against them. After a moment he jumped up and walked to the window, but then returned to take up his seat again in front of her.

“It’s going to hurt …”

“I won’t mind.”

“Bullshit. You
will
mind,” he came back, impatiently. “But it can’t be helped.”

“You’ll do it?” Dallas asked, not disguising her eagerness.