"That's where you're wrong. There's so fucking much to talk about, we could be here all night." I pointed to the sitting area in the suite.
"No, there's not. You know I'm not a druggie. I know you guys have zero faith in me. End of story." I could see the sadness in her eyes. There was a pit growing in my stomach, knowing we had done this to her.
"Bullshit. And you're going to listen to me. Sit." Rather than sitting on the comfortable couches, she went to the dining table. We sat across from one another, neither of us talking for what seemed like hours.
"Fine. Talk." She crossed her arms so tightly against her chest that I was expecting one of her breasts to pop out of the front of her loosely tied terrycloth robe. I tried to push that vision out of my head, knowing this was no time to start thinking with my dick.
"You can't quit." It was that simple in my mind, and I needed to see what her argument was before I said anything else.
"Um, I can. I did." Well, that was pretty to the point. I had to think on my feet to have a comeback for a non-argument.
"Well, we're not accepting it, not until you sit down and talk with all of us. I warned you at the beginning of the summer; Tanya was desperate to get you out. Now, regardless of the fact that she's not with us anymore, you're going to give her what she wants? That's not the Rain I know. The Rain I know doesn't go down without a fight." I leaned forward, my eyes never leaving hers as I waited for her response. Being that close to her and staying in business mode sucked. I knew it was pointless to bring up how sorry I was on a personal level since her priority had always been the band.
"It's not about her anymore," Her voice fell flat except when it began to crack as she held back tears. Part of me wanted the tears, to know she still cared. "You guys shredded me when you believed that I was using again. You did that. The night we got back when you thought those baggies were mine, Colt,
you
put that nail in the coffin. When Jon told me I had to get my shit straight and go to rehab, he put another nail in the coffin. When Travis, the person who knows everything I went through more than anyone else does, told me to get help, he added another. About the only person who hasn't done anything is Jared, and that's only because he's too damn new and scared to rock the boat."
She stood to walk away from me, and I jumped in front of her, afraid she was getting ready to run. "Stop, please." In a bold move, I reached for her, placing my hand on her cheek. Instead of pushing me away, she leaned her head into my palm. I allowed my thumb to brush against her soft lips. If this was the last time I got to touch her this way, I planned to savor the moment. "Sit down and talk to me. You've been running away and avoiding me for a month, and it's killing me."
Every intention I had of keeping our talk purely professional went out the window as soon as she leaned into my hand. She needed to know I loved her, even if I screwed up. It wasn't the first time, and it probably wouldn't be the last time.
"Can I put on some clothes first?" She looked down at her plush, white robe, and I allowed my eyes to follow her gaze. Even drowning in the white fabric, she was gorgeous. I could easily imagine pulling on the little tie and watching the front open, revealing every curve of her body.
"No need on my account." Might as well tell her the truth. I knew why she was getting dressed, because it was dangerous for her to look like that with the energy rebuilding between us, but I was perfectly fine with her current attire.
While I waited for her to get dressed, I pulled out my phone. Jon was probably wondering where I was, and I wanted to text Mark to let him know I needed more time. Once that was done, I jumped on Twitter. Everyone gave me shit for it, but I was a huge addict. I justified my social media addiction by saying it helped us stay in touch with our fans.
"You're worse than a girl with that thing, you know that?" Her mood seemed to lift marginally now that she was fully dressed, her hair pulled back in the ponytail that gave me a perfect view of the long lines of her neck.
I turned the phone to silent, so we could have some uninterrupted time. I didn't even want to hear or feel it vibrating while she was willing to give me the time of day. "What can I say? It's my connection to the world. And Jon wanted to know if you nailed me in the balls when I got here."
"I should," she said flatly. "Should line the three of you up and bring all of you to your knees." There was the Rain I knew. Anger and threats to the safety of our nuts was something I could deal with. Indifference was not.
I leaned forward, trying to get her eyes to lock with mine again, but she was looking around, tentative. "Look, I know you're pissed—"
"No, I'm not pissed, Colt. I'm hurt. For the past five years, you guys have been my life. You were the only people I could count on to have my back no matter what. And when I needed you to stick up for me, you weren't there."
"We tried. I know you think we were all convinced you were using but that's not it." I reached across the table, expecting to meet with air, but she surprised me again, placing her delicate fingers against my palm. "Yes, there was a while when we didn't know what to think. That has nothing to do with our opinions of you as a person and everything to do with what you've been through. I could apologize to you every day, and it'd never be enough. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear to you from the beginning. I'm sorry if I accused you of using again. But most of all, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you."
The light caught the tears pooling in her eyes as she looked away from me. I wanted to take her tears, make her forget everything I had done to cause them, but I knew that wasn't healthy. She needed to cry. She needed the time to be angry, and I prayed liked hell she would eventually take the time to forgive.
"I don't know what to say," she sighed. "Part of me just feels like what happened is something I can't get over. I don't want to get back on that bus, wondering who I can really trust. I don't want to feel like everyone thinks I'm some colossal fuck up junkie. I don't think there's any way to get back to where we were before that bus pulled into the lot after summer."
I gently squeezed her hand until she looked at me again. She had to see me, see the sincerity in my eyes. "The only way to make sure we never get it back is to give up and not try. I don't think I'm the only one in the group who's willing to do whatever we have to do to prove to you how shitty we feel right now."
I lost sight of who I was fighting for, the band or myself, but I was fighting harder than ever before. In some ways, I felt like fighting for one was the same as fighting for the other since our relationship was so wrapped up in the band. She was too far away from me. After a month of distance, I wanted her to feel the heat of my body, the nervous energy coursing through my veins to the point I felt like I was constantly shaking, all because I'd lost her. I rounded the head of the table, crouching beside her chair.
"Maddie, I fucked up. Not only am I part of the reason you're leaving the band, I'm solely responsible for the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a month. I'm the reason I haven't had the woman I love by my side for the past thirty-four nights. I don't deserve your forgiveness after I questioned you, but I'm here tonight begging for it. I miss you."
There it was. There was nothing else I could say after baring my soul to her. She didn't scream; she didn't tell me to fuck off. Instead, she joined me on the floor, kneeling in front of me.
"I miss you too. So much it physically hurts," she said through her tears. I could feel my own tears streaming down my cheeks, letting them flow free. "I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But I can't let myself love someone who isn't going to be there for me through thick and thin. I need to know that the man I love will catch me when someone tries to knock me down. I don't know if I can convince myself that you can be that man after this."
She said she loved me. After everything I had put her through, she loved me. It was a wonderful feeling, but that didn't mean we were going to make it. I wrapped my arms around her neck, our forehead pressed together. "I want to be that man for you. I've done a shit job of showing you that, but I swear, if given the chance, I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to doubt me again. You're it for me. The first day you walked into my life, I knew there was something special about you. The past year has been the best of my life because you let me in when you made it clear you didn't open up to anyone. Four of the past five months were amazing, being able to tell you I love you and being able to make love to you." I wiped the tears from my eyes and face, no longer able to deal with the dampness on my face. "But baby, I meant it when I said the past month has killed me. I will do whatever it takes to
never
feel that way again. To never have to live with myself knowing I let you down."
Being that close to Rain for the first time in over a month, I couldn't help myself. I slowly leaned in to kiss her, waiting for her to pull away. Shocking me yet again, she leaned in, her lips brushing against mine, slowly at first before parting her lips. I bit her lower lip, giving her warning that I fully intended to kiss her deeply, passionately, for as long as she would let me.
"We good?" I asked through shallow breaths.
She pressed her lips firmly against mine as she shook her head. "Not by a long shot. I can't guarantee we'll ever be fine, but the new me says I need at least to think about forgiving you, so I will. Think about it, that is."
Rain broke our kiss, standing and reaching down to help me up. "Now, before we do something stupid, you need to go." Her hands felt warm against my chest, her body molded perfectly against my back as we walked to the door of her hotel room.
As I reached the door, I turned in her arms, wrapping mine around her waist, planting tender kisses against her hair. "So, can I call Jon and tell him you're not leaving the band?"
"Call him. Tell him that you guys are coming up here tomorrow afternoon. Court's scheduled for ten, but I doubt that will take more than a few minutes after all of today's fun. We all need to sit down and have a long fucking talk before I just jump right back. As I said, you guys cut me pretty deep. I love you and I'm not sure I'm forgiving you just yet, so think about how hard it's going to be for me to forgive them."
Hearing her say it again made my heart burst in my chest. It was the moment hope felt restored, and I knew we would find a way through the storm we had been suffering through. "You love me?"
She rolled her eyes in the adorable way that only Rain could do, and I couldn't contain my laughter. "God only knows why, but yeah, I do. Now, get out of here before I change my mind."
I tightened my grip around her waist, wanting never to let her go now that I had her back. "You won't regret this, baby. I love you so much."
She leaned back, lifting her hands to my cheeks. "Like I said, still not sure I'm forgiving you. There's a lot for me to think about, so you need to go so I can think. I'll see you tomorrow. Ten, if you're coming to the courthouse, otherwise be here with the guys at one."
"I'll be there for you in the morning; they can meet us here later." I pressed my forehead to hers again, needing the contact with her. "Never again will I
not
be there for you. Love you."
"Goodnight, Colt. Love you too." She pushed me out the door and then leaned against the frame watching me walk down the hall. I could handle walking away from her only because I knew it was only until morning.
"She let you live?" Jon asked when I walked into the condo. He and Travis had come over to keep Jared company while I was off talking to Rain.
I tossed my leather jacket over a chair and grabbed a beer. I wanted something stronger to settle the nerves that had been in high gear most of the day, but I wanted a clear head for Rain's court date, so I planned to take it easy.
"Yeah, she let me live," I said, unable to wipe the stupid grin off my face. I didn't care if they gave me shit; Rain finally said she loved me, and she was going to try to forgive me. Seeing as I had to freak most of the evening, I decided to let them sweat a bit. I picked up the remote and turned on ESPN. I didn't give a shit about the baseball game they were showing; I just wanted a minute to myself.
"So, anything you care to share with us?" Jon kicked my foot as he walked past.
"Maybe," I said smugly. Yeah, I was being a dick, but they were the ones who insisted that I go on my own to talk to her. Of course, the way things turned out, I'm not sure I would have wanted them there, but they didn't need to know that.
Travis stood to go to the kitchen, slapping me upside the head on his way past. "Dude, I swear, if you managed to get in her pants tonight, you're a huge dick. That wasn't the point of going over there."
I laughed, not even these assholes were going to kill my mood. "Yes, I have one. No, I didn't get in her pants. But if I had, it would have helped the greater cause."
"Fuck you, dude." Jon handed out another round of beers and set up shot glasses on the coffee table. "Are these shots to forget or shots to celebrate?" He asked as he filled the glasses.
"Well," I started, dragging it out for effect. "She's willing to talk to us. She wants everyone at her hotel room tomorrow at one."
Jon held up his glass, and we all followed suit. "Here's to hoping," he said, tossing back the shot of Jack Daniels. "So, what else? You have to have gotten more than just 'be here at one' if you were talking that long."
I looked out to the balcony of my condo, imagining Rain moving in. She sure as hell wasn't going back to her apartment, not that it was an option since Mark said she broke her lease, but that meant she would need a place to stay. I couldn't think of a better place for us to work out our differences than living here, together. I wanted her back in bed with me at night, even if it was as friends. We had done it for years; there was no reason we couldn't do it again.
"No, that's pretty much all you need to know," I said smugly. I didn't feel the need to share the details of the more personal discussion we had. As far as I was concerned, there had been too many people in our relationship since before it even started, this was the time to keep things private.