Blind Faith (30 page)

There was long pause before Serena spoke, her voice thick with emotion.  “Even if I
convince myself I
’m
capable of taking care of a baby, how can I deal with the pain of knowing I
will
never be able to see my own child?”

“That’s any easy one to answer,” Leslie said gently.  “It will be a part of you and Will, conceived out your love for each other.  You
will
see your baby, honey.  You’ll see him the same way you see Will now; with your heart.”

“You’re pretty g-good at this mother s-stuff,” Serena stammered tearfully.

Leslie sounded just as weepy when she replied.  “It can get a little bumpy sometimes
,
but I promise you
will
never regret it, not for one single moment.”

Conscious that he
had
lingered longer than he should have and how embarrassing it would be if one of the men came to see what was taking him so long, Will decided it was time to make his presence known.  He took a few steps backwards, purposely rattling the empty beer bottles before proceeding to the kitchen entranceway.  Leslie smiled warmly before turning back to the cake she was frosting, but not before he caught the shimmer of tears in her eyes.  Pretending not to notice, Will took a stab at being humorous.  

“Rufus and I were nominated to fetch another round but I couldn’t get the lazy animal to help carry the bottles.”

“That’s because my dog has more pride than you do,” Serena laughed.  “Such menial tasks are beneath him.”

Will grinned as he deposited the bottles in the recycle bin.  “We’ll see how much pride his royal highness has the next time he wants one of those beef basted treats he’s so fond of.”

The rest of the evening was filled with
the same
light hearted banter he and Serena had exchanged in the kitchen.  There was only one uncomfortable moment when Sawyer asked why McKinley wasn’t there, causing a definite lull in the conversation.  Will caught the look of concern that flickered across Tony’s face when he glanced at Serena
,
as
well as
the almost imperceptive shake of his head when his eyes moved to his wife.  And if Leslie’s voice was a little too cheery when she explained McKinley had a previous engagement but sent her love, no one else seemed to notice.

It wasn’t until much later as Will lay in bed that he had time to think about the conversation he’d overheard.  Serena was tucked up close by his side, her soft skin still moist from making love, an occasional purr of contentment escaping her kiss swollen lips.  She’d barely said a word on the ride home and hadn’t offered more than a few sentences once they were inside the house.  He finally gave up the one sided conversation and left her sitting on the sofa in the living room while he went to let Rufus outside to do his nightly business. 

He’d waited by the door until Rufus was ready to come back in, hoping that all Serena needed was a little time to herself in order to shake off the somber mood she was in.  He suspected the things she
had
discussed with her mother were weighing pretty heavily on her because she
wanted
to share her feelings with him but couldn’t bring herself to do it.  Which left Will in a bit of a quandary.  His first impulse was to comfort Serena, to put her mind at ease and tell her all the things she wanted to hear.  But he wasn’t ready to talk about marriage or plans for the future yet. 

As it turned out, he didn’t have to say anything to Serena.  By the time he returned to the living room, she was gone.  He stood there for several minutes, staring at the empty spot on the sofa as if she would magically reappear.  Apparently, Rufus wasn’t nearly as fascinated by the vacant sofa as Will was because he stayed just long enough to determine Serena wasn’t there before trotting off down the hall towards her bedroom.

He considered spending the night in his own room since Serena obviously wanted to be by herself, but the thought of crawling into bed without her was about as appealing as taking a mule kick square to the chest.  Will turned off the light in the living room and headed for the stairs, veering left at the last minute with a purposeful stride towards Serena’s room.  He was a little surprised to find the door open and Serena perched on the edge of the bed as if she
had
been waiting for him.

“We need to talk,” he said.

“I know,” Serena rose to her feet, “but not now.  I need you, Will.  I don’t want to talk.  I don’t want to think.  I just want to
feel
.”

In truth, he was more than happy to forestall talking and make love to her instead.  It was different this time; more passionate, more giving, more…everything.  There was no doubt he
had
done as she asked and driven every troubled thought from her mind because she’d done the same for him.  He’d gotten lost in the taste of Serena’s kisses, the feel of her satiny skin, the sound of those soft, throaty moans as he drove himself into her moist heat.  But now that their hunger for each other had been satiated, Will’s mind began to function again.

“Serena, are you awake?”

“Hmmmm,” she mumbled.  “But if you’re thinking about going another round, I don’t have the strength.”

Will smiled in the darkness.  “The mind is willing but the body is weak.”

“Which means you’ve been thinking,” she said with a wistful sigh.

“I…uh…overhead some of the conversation you had with your mother.”

“I was afraid of that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No…not yet, anyway.  But there
is
something I want to ask you.  I
’ve
given it some thought and I want…no, I
need
to do something.  For me…for us.  But I can’t do it alone.”

“What is it you want me to do?”  Will asked, an icy sliver of foreboding boring its way into in his chest.

Serena drew in a deep breath, expelling it slowly before she spoke.  “I told my mother why I was afraid to talk to you about our…relationship, our future together…”

“I heard,” Will cut her off.  “She was right, Serena.  I love you.  Whether you ever regain your sight or not, I
will
always love you, always be here for you.”

“I know,” she said softly, “and I have to accept that I might never see again.  But if there
is
a chance
to get my sight back
, no matter how small it is, I have to try.”

Will’s brows drew together.  “What do you mean, you have to try?”

“I mean, I haven’t tried to deal with the attack or my blindness, not really.  The therapists, my family, you – everyone tried to help me, but not once did I try to help myself.  I buried the memories and simply accepted I was blind because it was easier that way.  Rose is the only who recognized that, or maybe she was just the only one who had the guts to tell me.  She said that by taking the path of least resistance, in essence I had chosen to be blind.”

“Do you believe that?”

“I didn’t at the time.  I was so angry with her, I didn’t want to listen to anymore, but you know Rose.  If she has something to say, she’s going to say it whether you want to hear it or not.  The point is…when those boys held me down, I didn’t have a choice about what happened to me.  And I certainly didn’t
choose
to be blind as a result, but I think

Rose was right and that I never regained my sight because I chose not to.”

“On a subconscious level, you mean.”

“At first, yes.  The doctor called it hysterical blindness.  The physiological stress caused by the trauma of what I went through manifested in a physical manner, triggering what
should
have been a temporary blindness.”

“But it wasn’t temporary, and you think that’s because you
consciously
chose not to see?”

“In a way, yes.  I blocked out most of what happened, but when you and I talked about it that night you came to my room, I told you I remembered keeping my eyes closed so I wouldn’t have to see what…what they were doing to me.  And then afterwards, I didn’t open them because I
wanted
to stay in the dark.  I felt safe there.  It’s like when you were a kid and you pulled the blankets up over your head because the shadows looked like monsters and it scared you.  In your heart, you knew the blanket couldn’t protect you, but as long as you couldn’t see what was lurking in the shadows, you felt safe.”

Will was thoughtful for moment.  “If that’s true, then making a conscious decision to see again would restore your eyesight.”

“I wish it was that simple,” Serena said, “but I think the decision has to be on both levels.  That’s why I need your help.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I need two things.  First, I want you to tell me everything you remember about that night, from the time you got there until you found me in the cave.  If you can tell me who was there and what they were doing, maybe it will trigger something in my own memory of arriving at the party and why I went inside the cave.”

“It was a long time ago, but I’ll do my best.  What’s the second thing?”

“I know this sounds crazy,” there was a slight tremor in her voice, “but it’s the only way I can truly face this thing and rid myself of the past for good.  Will, I…I want you to take me there…back to the cave where the nightmare first began.”

Chapter 15

Serena got out of bed and reached for her robe, the numbness from Will’s flat refusal gradually giving way to the raw pain of betrayal.  Cramming her arms into the sleeves of the robe, she scurried off to the bathroom on shaky limbs, ignoring Will’s plea to come back to bed. 
No.
  He’d told her no!  Didn’t he have any idea how hard it was for her to make the decision to go back inside that cave?  Surely he must know how important it was to her.  Why else would she put herself through something like that? 

She
had
actually been proud of herself for asking him without sounding as fragile as she felt.  But maybe that was because she
had
also been confident he would agree to do it.  Serena swiped away a rogue tear with the back of her hand as she slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.  Despite the sharp, stabbing pain in her chest, a childish sense of satisfaction brought a grim smile to her face when she heard a loud clamor followed by a muttered string of expletives.  Will
was
obviously tr
ying
to maneuver his way in the dark, unsuccessfully by the sound of it.  Good.  She hoped he had a bruise the whole length of his shin!

There w
ere
a few minutes of silence while he presumably turned on a light to keep from mowing over any other pieces of furniture.  Mentally tracing his movements by the sound his bare feet made on the hardwood floor, Serena knew he was standing right outside the door even before she heard the tentative tap.  She drew in a jagged breath then pressed her lips firmly together to prevent an anguished sob from escaping.  She didn’t want to talk to him, not when her insides felt like raw hamburger and it was all she could do to keep from bursting into tears.

Will tapped on the door again, a little louder this time.  “Serena, honey…we aren’t going to resolve anything if you won’t even talk to me
.
”
 
Muttering something unintelligible when she replied with mutinous silence, Will didn’t bother to knock before opening the door and stepping inside.  “Come on, sweetheart, it’s late and we’re both tired.  Why don’t we go back to bed, get a good night’s rest, and talk about it in the morning?”

“You refuse to help m-me,” her voice wobbled, “what more is there to say?”

“I
do
want to help you, but not by taking you back to that place.  It’s too risky.  Serena, listen to me,” he moved a little closer.  “You don’t know what will happen.  What if going there is too traumatizing for you?  It could do more harm than good and I would never forgive myself if…
if…
”