Blurred Lies (The Blurred Series Book 1) (12 page)

“I don’t know. I just think you should...explore all your other options before committing yourself to meeting someone you met online.”

“What other options?” Now I’m just confused.

“Well, you’ve only just moved here. You just got a job. You’re meeting new people and making new friends. I think those new friendships are worth exploring before you take any unnecessary risks.”

“This is exactly what everyone else thinks about online relationships. You watch one TV show about people who lie and you think it applies to everybody. Well it doesn’t. Land is honest and he cares about me.”

“You don’t even know his name or where he lives, Natty. Don’t be naive.”

Now he’s just pissing me off.

“I am not naive! Our relationship is real,” I say with vehemence; standing up, no longer feeling like relaxing on a blanket in a park with this guy. I don’t even care that other people are close by. I can’t believe Ryan is being such a dick about this. My relationship with Land is as real to me as he is sitting right in front of me in this park. It’s not some illusion.

It’s not!
So why do I feel like I need to convince myself of that?

“You are naive if you think he’s the only one who can make you happy!” Ryan says with equal fervor. He moves to his knees and takes my hand, gently tugging on it so that I’ll move down to his position. I don’t.

“I don’t see anyone else trying,” I say, quietly, looking down at him on his knees.

He’s looking up at me. Staring straight into my eyes. It’s disarming.

“Look again.”

I realize his meaning and my eyes go wide. He can’t seriously mean him?

“Please, just sit back down with me, Natty?”

I sit without argument when he tugs my hand a second time. I put it down to being stunned into submission.

I look at him, warily. I think the guy I’ve had a major crush on for over half my life just asked me to let him make me happy. My brain doesn’t seem to be capable of processing that. It can’t compute.

Now at eye-level with him, I don’t have the upper hand. I feel inferior, like always. Not that I had any advantage when I was standing, but I, at least, had the illusion of being in control.

I feel a bead of sweat roll down my spine, and I know it’s not from the heat of the sun. My chest is getting tighter, my stomach churning, my throat constricting. He sees the panic in my eyes.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” he says, bringing his hand up to brush my cheek gently with his fingertips.

“Like what?” I manage to choke out.

“Like you’re scared of me. Like you want to run away,” he clarifies, softly. His eyes are pleading, and it does things to me I can’t explain. I’ve never seen Ryan look this vulnerable.

“What if I am scared? What if I need to run?” I whisper.

“Then I need to fix that.” He moves a little closer now.

“What if you can’t? What if I’m not fixable?”

He brings his free hand to my other cheek. My face feels hot under his touch. I’m getting goosebumps when I’m anything but cold.

“Maybe you’re not the one who needs fixing.”

“You’re going to make me betray him, aren’t you?” I say, pleading with him not to do it without actually saying the words. I can’t say stop, no matter how much my brain is screaming at me to say it.

“He’s hiding from you. He doesn’t deserve your loyalty. He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Do you deserve me, Ryan?” His face is close to mine now; his lips mere inches from my own.

“No, but the difference between him and me is I’m willing to admit it.” He’s not pleading with me now. He’s intense. In control.

There’s a look in his eyes that both scares and excites me in equal measure.

“If you tell me to stop, I’ll stop.” And with that, he closes the gap between us and kisses me.

His kiss isn’t forceful; it’s firm, but gentle. His soft lips caress me and an involuntary moan passes from mine to his. I feel the cool metal of his lip-ring and, suddenly, visions of my dream assault me, intensifying the moment.

He sucks gently on my bottom lip and the action automatically makes me do the same to his top one. My hands move to grip his biceps, in need of the support, and he moves a hand to my lower back, leaving a trail of heat from my neck to where his hand now rests. He finds the gap between my blouse and the waist of my low-cut shorts, gently stroking his fingertips along the bare skin there.

When he gently nips at my bottom lip with his teeth, I gasp and he takes the opportunity to move his tongue with mine. I don’t have much experience with this type of kiss, if any. I’ve certainly never felt this way during a kiss before. But it’s like I automatically know what I’m supposed to do, and Ryan’s low moan tells me I’m doing it right.

I’m so lost in the moment, I barely realize he’s moving me backwards so that I’m lying beneath him on the blanket. With his weight braced on one elbow, he uses his free hand to support the back of my head, making it easy for him to control the kiss completely, and-

“This is extreme on the PDA scale, even for you, Ryan.”

The shrill sound of the unknown woman’s bitchy voice is like nails on a chalkboard, or like a record scratching, interrupting the intense moment we were sharing.

What the actual hell!?

“Shit!” Ryan whispers against my lips. He quickly moves to his knees and takes my hands, pulling me to a more dignified sitting position, which I’m thankful for, but still -
what the actual hell?

He turns to face whoever interrupted us, and I look up to see for myself. She’s a tall, gorgeous redhead with a perfect body and completely symmetrical facial features. I’m also pretty sure her sizeable breasts are fake.

I hope Ryan prefers real boobs
.
Real, and much smaller.

“Tina. Always a pleasure. What do you want?” Ryan sounds irritated with
Tina
, and I can’t say I’m not happy about that.

“Who’s this?” she asks with a fake pleasantness, ignoring his question.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but this is Natalie.”

“Well, I see you don’t waste any time moving on. When did you meet this one? Like, two days ago?” Now she’s getting bitchy. She’s obviously not happy that Ryan was kissing me, but I’m not happy she interrupted what was turning out to be the best kiss of my entire life.

I decide to get bitchy right back.

“Like, third grade,” I deadpan. The look on her face is priceless. She wasn’t expecting that. She came to this moment thinking she had the upper-hand and had known Ryan longer than me.

She recovers from my retort all too quickly.

“Well, I sure hope you haven’t been dating him since
third grade,
because he was still fucking me
last week
.”

I flinch at that and she shoots a devious smile in Ryan’s direction, then to me, silently congratulating herself.
Tina - 1, Natalie - 0.

“When you get bored of her, call me.” She winks at Ryan then turns and strides away on her long, toned legs, back to wherever it is she came from. I suddenly hate people who wink. I realize Ryan winks...a lot.

I hate Ryan.

No you don’t
.

Yes, I do. Shush!

“Dammit. She’s such a bitch. I’m sorry Natty,” he says, turning back to me and placing his hand on my knee in reassurance. I quickly brush his hand away, no longer wanting him to touch me.

“If you were sleeping with her last week and she expects you to “call her” I don’t want you touching me right now,” I say sternly.

“She was lying, Natty. She’s just jealous. Please don’t let her get to you.”

“You never slept with her?” I ask with hope. If he says he didn’t, I’ll believe him. But the look on his face tells me he can’t say that, and it’s so disappointing.

“I wasn’t with her last week. It’s been at least a month,” he clarifies, with his head down, like he’s ashamed he can’t tell me what I want to hear. He adds, “And I will never call her.” He looks into my eyes with that last statement; like he wants to be sure I’ll believe him.

I do.

A month? Well, I guess that’s better than a week. It would mean he ended it with her before I even moved here. I still don’t like knowing he slept with her. I know Ryan is no virgin, but there’s a difference between knowing it and having two big fake boobs shoved in your face.

If she’s the type of girl he’s attracted to, then why is he even giving me the time of day? I’m nothing like her. I suddenly feel inferior. I bet he has girls like Tina just lined up, waiting for his call.

“So how many others are there?” I don’t know why I ask, because I don’t really want to know.

“None. I mean, she’s the last girl I was...seeing. There were others before her, but I don’t mess around with multiple girls at a time, Natalie.” He sounds a little offended. Like my assumption that this gorgeous guy is a player is so outlandish.

“Is that what you want to do with me?” I ask, flatly; staring at no point in particular. Anywhere but at him.

“What?”

“Mess around,” I clarify.

“What? No! Natalie, look at me.”

I don’t look at him, so he makes me, hooking my chin with his forefinger. When my eyes meet his, they’re blurry, and I suddenly realize the blurriness is caused by the tears about to fall from my eyes.

He made me betray Land, and then made me forget Land all together, then Tina came along and pulled me, harshly, back to reality.

This sucks
.

“Natalie, please don’t cry,” Ryan pleads, brushing the errant tears from my cheeks. “I don’t want you to cry over something I’ve done.”

“I don’t want to cry over something you’ve done, either. I’d like to go home now.” I don’t want to stay in this public place while I have an emotional meltdown. I can already feel anxiety beginning to claw its way to the surface.

Mercifully, I haven’t had a full-on anxiety attack since I moved here, which is unbelievable given the circumstances, but I fear that’s about to change.

* * *

By the time we reach the sidewalk outside the apartment building, I feel like I can’t breathe and it has nothing to do with the motorcycle ride.

I’m off the bike and running up the stairs in the blink of an eye. I burst through the front door and run to my room, ignoring Nate’s concerned voice as I go.

“Nat? Natalie, what’s wrong?” he calls to me.

I just need to get to my room so I can go through this in private. I hate other people seeing me this way; even Nate.

When I get to my room, I don’t bother with the door as I know Nate won’t knock before entering when I’m like this, anyway.

He enters two seconds after me and grasps my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.

“Natalie, look at me. Breathe, okay?”

“I...can’t,” I gasp out between attempts to inhale. My throat and chest are so tight, I think my heart might implode from the pressure.

He looks around the room and I know he’s looking for something suitable for me to breathe into to bring me down from the hyperventilation, but he finds nothing. Instead, he sits me on the bed and kneels in front of me, holding my hands in his.

“Just focus on me. Breath just like I do, okay?”

He starts inhaling deeply through his nose and out through his mouth, and I try to copy his actions. I stare at his kind, blue eyes, focusing on them and nothing else.

Just as I feel able to draw a full breath, Ryan bursts in, panicked and confused.

“God, Natty. Are you okay?”

“Was she with you? What happened?” Nate demands.

“Yeah, we just came back from the park.”

“What happened?” Nate asks, impatiently.

“I…” Ryan begins to formulate an answer to Nate’s question, but I realize in that moment that Nate can’t know what really happened. I don’t think he’d be happy...about any of it. This whole mess would change their friendship, entirely.

“Just...leave,” I manage out, now able to take in a little more air than before.

“But, Natty, I need to know you’re okay,” Ryan pleads.

“Please...make him leave, Nate… I don’t want him to see me...like this.” I breathe deeply again as more tears soak my face. I can feel Ryan’s eyes on me, begging me to look up, but I can’t.

“Please, man. Just go. I’ve got her. She’ll be okay,” Nate tells Ryan, and then I hear the door click shut.

* * *

After I’d calmed down and was able to breath normally again, I told Nate that I wasn’t sure what brought on the panic attack and surmised that it was just the new surroundings, amount of people and social situation. He seemed to buy it, and I told him thank you and that I wanted to be on my own for the rest of the evening.

I texted Ryan to tell him those same things, and to not tell Nate what happened at the park, then switched my phone off, not wanting to know whether he replied or not.

Now I’m sitting in front of my laptop, wondering if I should log on and tell Land everything. The guilt from betraying him today is killing me, but the guilt I feel at the thought of hiding it from him is even worse.

But what about the theory that what you don’t know can’t hurt you? What if telling him is actually a selfish act on my part? After all, I’d be telling him in order to assuage my own guilt, not because he would really want to know.

I log on anyway, still undecided about what I’m going to say.

OffLand18 is online.

Here goes nothing.

BabyDove94 says: Hi.

OffLand18 says: Hi.

BabyDove94 says: I’m sorry for how I acted last night. It was uncalled for.

OffLand18 says: I’m sorry for pushing. If you want to tell me things that happen in your life, you’ll tell me. If you don’t, you won’t.

BabyDove94 says: There are some things you don’t want to know.

OffLand18 says: You’re probably right. But I’d listen anyway.

I think about what Ryan said earlier, then. About how Land doesn’t deserve my loyalty. That he’s hiding from me.

BabyDove94 says: Would you listen if I said I need to know your name, date of birth, place of residence and a picture of you?

OffLand18 says: I’d listen.

BabyDove94 says: But would you give them to me?

OffLand18 says: I can’t. We’ve been through this. Please don’t push it.

I come to a realization when I read his words;
he doesn’t deserve me.

BabyDove94 says: Then I can’t wait for you. Until you can be completely open with me, I won’t put my life on hold for you.

OffLand18 says: Okay.

Okay!? That’s all he has to say to that? I can’t believe this. Ryan was right.

The thought brings tears to my eyes, and I let them come. The tears silently fall as I type what could be the last message I’ll ever send to my best friend.

BabyDove94 says: If that’s all you have to say after everything we’ve been through together, after everything we’ve shared, then I don’t think I can carry on having a relationship of any kind with you. Your refusal to share anything of importance with me, after all these years, hurts. It physically hurts. I can’t keep hoping we’ll move forward and being stuck in the same place day after day. I can’t do it. I won’t. If you let me walk away right now, then you’re not who I thought you were, and I’ll be forced to say goodbye. Don’t let that happen, please.

OffLand18 says: I’m sorry, Little Dove. Please believe I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Goodbye.

OffLand18 is offline.

What? No!
I can’t believe he just said goodbye. I thought he’d give me something, anything, or at least try to talk me around until I conceded to allow things to stay as they have been. He just...left me.

More tears fall and my chest hurts, but not from anxiety. This time it’s worse. Like someone is squeezing my heart as hard as they can in their fist. That’s what Land is doing. He’s squeezing it so hard I can barely feel it beating.

When I climb into bed, I still can’t seem to stop the tears. In fact, now they’ve turned into body-wracking sobs. I’m so tired of crying.

Crying.

Crying.

Crying.

I don’t know how to deal with the sadness that seems to be emanating from my very soul.