Blurred Lies (The Blurred Series Book 1) (9 page)

OffLand18 says: That’s great! I’m so happy for you :) I still feel like there’s something bothering you though?

I guess I need to tell him, so that he’ll understand why I need a distraction.

BabyDove94 says: We just found out my parents’ house sale has gone through and all their belongings have been moved to storage. I was in a really good mood after my unexpectedly good first day at work, and the news just... It’s a lot to deal with.

OffLand18 says: Oh, babe, I’m sorry. That’s really rough. I wish I could just hold you right now and make you feel better.

So do I. I just wish he was here, I wish we had a normal friendship that could grow into a normal relationship. I wish he could hold me until the tears stopped...but he can’t.

BabyDove94 says: I wish you could, too. I wish everything was different.

OffLand18 says: How do you mean?

BabyDove94 says: I just wish we’d met under different circumstances. I wish we’d met in real life, I wish you lived here, I wish we knew each other’s names, could see each other’s faces, could hold each other. I just wish everything was different to how it is.

Wow. That was a lot to unload on the poor guy. I hope he doesn’t feel guilty in any way. I hope he doesn’t feel responsible for things not being the way I want. We have equal responsibility for the way our friendship started and grew to what it is now.

OffLand18 says: One day, things will be different. I promise, Little Dove. One day you’ll know every detail of my life, and I’ll hold you as often and for as long as you’ll let me.

BabyDove94 says: Why can’t that be now?

OffLand18 says: I want it to be now, really, I do. There’s just things I need to do before it can happen. Nothing you need to be concerned with. Just know that I want everything you want, and I’ll do everything it takes to make it happen. Please believe me. I just want everything to be perfect when we’re finally together. Nothing holding us back.

What’s holding us back now? I want to believe him... I do! I just don’t understand what he needs to do that is
“nothing I need to be concerned with.”
How could it not concern me when it’s keeping us apart? I guess all I can do is trust him and hope that it all works out in the end.

If it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end, right?

BabyDove94 says: I believe you. I trust you. I just... I need you.

OffLand18 says: You have me. I need you, too. More than you’ll ever know. The five years I’ve known you have been the best I’ve ever had.

He’s the sweetest person I’ve ever known. Always willing to listen, give advice, and make me feel special. If I ever lost him, I don’t know what I’d do. I just hope I never have to find out.

BabyDove94 says: You say the sweetest things.

OffLand18 says: Because you’re the sweetest girl.

BabyDove94 says: Tell me about your day. Make me forget.

OffLand18 says: So which do you want?

BabyDove94 says: What do you mean?

OffLand18 says: Do you want me to tell you about my day or make you forget?

BabyDove94 says: Make me forget.

And for the next hour, Land makes me forget, with his sweet words and filthy imagination.

After talking to Land, I feel a little better; at least enough to stop the recurring tears and ease the ache in my chest. 

This time, rather than feeling guilty and ashamed after our...
conversation
, I stayed and talked some more with him and he made me realize that there’s nothing wrong with me feeling some semblance of good after everything that’s happened. After all, the good feelings are painfully short-lived, and only a small reprieve from life as I now know it.

After taking a few minutes to think, I decide to focus on happier things and make my way back out to the living room, hoping Nate is still out there. I want to tell him about my new job and how well I did today. I’m a little proud, regardless of how small the achievement, and I know he’ll be proud of me, too. At least after he’s moved passed the fact that I, sort of, lied by omission.

When I get there, I see Nate and Ryan talking in hushed tones in the kitchen. They both notice my presence at the same time, looking at me with that same sympathetic look I see in everyone’s eyes these days. I’ve had about all the sympathy I can take for one year.

The aroma of Mexican food lingers in the air, making my mouth water, and bringing my attention to the fact I haven’t eaten a thing since lunch.

“So what’s for dinner? I sure am glad I didn’t miss it. I’m starved!” I say, breezily as I make my way over to the breakfast bar. If it seems like I’m trying to pretend I wasn’t in floods of tears earlier, it’s because I am.

Nate looks a little taken aback by my change in demeanor, and why wouldn’t he? Just two hours ago I was balling my eyes out and declaring my need to be alone. It looks as though I should add ‘mood swings’ to my list of things these boys are going to have to put up with now I’m living with them.
Poor guys.

“Hey, Nat. I made tacos to go with the chips and dips you brought home. I didn’t know when you and Ryan were gonna show, so I waited a while to start cooking. You both have impeccable timing.” He assesses me then, like he’s trying to determine if my improved mood is real or not. “Seems like you’re feeling better?” he says as both a statement and a question.

“Yeah, I think I am,” I reply with a small smile.

I glance at Ryan, who’s focused on making his plate of food, with a faint but noticeable smile tugging at his lips. 

For a brief moment, I wonder where Ryan’s been all day and night, but dismiss the thought as soon as it occurs. It’s none of my business, after all. Why would I care? 
Why?

“I wanted to tell you something earlier, actually; the reason why I bought the drinks and stuff.” That grabs Nate’s attention, but Ryan just continues what he’s doing, knowing full-well what I’m about to say, ‘cause he was in on it. I really hope Nate is happy about what I tell him, and doesn’t feel hurt that I kept it from him.

“Oh, yeah?” Nate asks, giving me his full attention, leaning with both hands on the edge of the counter.

“First, I want you to know I only kept it from you because I wanted to be sure I could do it...before I told you. I didn’t want you to worry.”

“Okay, well now I’m a little worried. Just spit it out, Natalie.” His tone has turned a little impatient, so I figure I need to just get this out, quick.

“Yesterday, I went down to Calli’s Café and asked about the job there. Calli gave it to me on the spot, and my first day was today.” I rush my confession; like the faster I get it out, the less upset Nate will be that I withheld the information.
 

Like that’s gonna work, genius.

I don’t think it worked. The look on his face is a mixture of surprised and pissed off.

“Natty, you know you don’t have to go get a job. You’ve got your writing, and I’ll take care of you financially.” He goes back to preparing his food, like those are just the facts of the matter - end of discussion.

This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell him before I did it. He’s so protective, he’d rather keep me in my comfort zone - away from triggers that could set off one of my
episodes
- than see me get out, meet new people and try new things. Like a normal twenty-one year old.

Losing my parents has made me realize how short life is, and how closed-off I’ve become from that life.

I need this job. I need friends. I need Nate to understand and let me live. But I don’t want to get mad at him for wanting to protect me. He’s just being the best big brother he knows how to be, but how do I make him see this is a good decision for me?

“Nate, I know you worry about me, and I’m grateful that you want to take care of me, but you can’t protect me from life. I need a life. Getting a little job next door may not be much, but it’s a start, and Calli said I did well today. I’m proud of myself, and I was really hoping you would be too,” I say the last quietly, perhaps subconsciously worried that he won’t be.

His expression softens and he gives me a sad half-smile.

“I am proud of you, Little N. So proud.” Realization seems to dawn on his features, and he continues, “I’m sorry for coddling you, and making you feel like you couldn’t tell me about this before now. If you want to do this, then I won’t stop you. Of course I won’t. Just know that if you need anything, I’m here.”

“I do know that. Thank you, Nate. You really are the best big brother.” I say with relief.

“You bet your ass I am. You’re not such a bad little sister, yourself. Now let’s eat some tacos before they get cold,” he says with a smile, handing me a plate over the breakfast bar. “And let’s talk about how Ryan made pancakes this morning, then guilted me into eating ‘em when I said I was just going to stop in at Calli’s on my way to work.”

My eyes go wide at that, but I remain focused on preparing my tacos, not wanting to acknowledge the fact that Ryan was in on my deception.

“Yeah, let’s talk about how I slaved over a hot stove making breakfast for an ungrateful bastard, who didn’t even care that I’d made four different flavors. Four!” Ryan states with mock-annoyance.

I giggle, which draws the attention of both of them to me, and I glance at Ryan, who’s smiling ruefully.

“Or, let’s talk about how my so-called best friend used four flavors of pancakes to keep me from going down to Calli’s for my usual breakfast this morning, because my
sister
was keeping her new job a secret from me.” He’s kidding, but the way he’s just laying it all out there is definitely making me feel bad about it. Nothing I don’t deserve.

“Busted!” Ryan whisper-shouts to me. Then, shoving a chip in his mouth, he directs his attention back to Nate. “Don’t get mad at me just ‘cause you missed your regular morning foreplay with Calli.”

Huh?

“My what?!” Nate spits back. He seems taken aback, but I think he’s...blushing. Is something going on between my brother and my boss? That could get so awkward.

“You heard me.” And with a smirk, Ryan grabs his plate of food and retreats to the couch, one of my dad’s beers in his other hand. That makes me smile.

“I have no idea what he’s talking about,” Nate states to me, emphatically.

“Uh-huh,” I respond with an
I’ll-believe-you-but-no-one-else-would
tone. Taking my plate of tacos and the bag of chips with me, I go to sit next to Ryan in the living room, leaving Nate standing at the breakfast bar with a
WTF
look on his face.

Ha!
Nate and Calli, who’d have thought it?

* * *

We ate dinner together, laughing and joking, and afterward we all pitched in cleaning up in the kitchen. Calli wasn’t mentioned again, so I still don’t know what’s up with that.

Around 11:00pm, we all called it a night and I called dibs on using the bathroom first. Now I’m lying in bed, finally catching up on my reading. I’ve been neglecting my new favorite romance lately, and I’m relieved that tonight I can concentrate on it long enough to enjoy the story.

At 12:30am, a notification pops up on my phone, effectively interrupting a rather steamy chapter, which I was thoroughly enjoying. I focus on the notification, and realize it’s a text message. Seeing who it’s from, I quickly tap it to open the full message.

Ryan: I’m really proud of you. I just wanted you to know that.

Well, that was unexpected. I’m surprised at how happy it makes me to know Ryan, of all people, is proud of me. I never would have done it without his help, though, so how proud can he really be?

Me: Thank you. That means a lot. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Ryan: Yes you could have, and I was nowhere around today. That was all you.

Ryan: And why are you awake right now? Are you ok? I told you to tell me if you were ever feeling upset and couldn’t sleep again. If I can’t trust you to let me know, I’m gonna start checking-in on you.

Me: Thank you. And I’m fine! I’m awake because I was reading. Haven’t had chance to read much lately. It kinda distracted me from sleeping.

Ryan: Oh yeah? So what are you reading?

Me: It’s just a romance novel. Nothing you’d have heard of.

Ryan: So what’s it about?

Me: Uh...a love story. Hence ‘romance novel’. Duh.

Ryan: Is it one of those smutty ones, or the ones that send people into a fit of depression in the end?

Me: Well I haven’t got to the end, so I don’t know if it’ll make me depressed.

Ryan: Ha! So it’s a smutty one, isn’t it?! Tell me the truth Natty, come on.

Ugh. This is weird.

Me: Fine. It might be a little smutty. But it’s totally an important part of the storyline.

Ryan: Translation - it’s a lot smutty and you love every minute of it.

Me: I do not!

Ryan: So I was right - it is a lot smutty! There’s no shame in that Natty. I love porn too.

Me: It is not porn! And I don’t love it!

Ryan: Fine. In that case, you won’t mind sending me a screenshot of the page you were last reading.

Oh, Gah!
The last page I was reading was a full-on sex scene. It probably would seem smutty to someone who doesn’t know the characters and their story. If I don’t send him it, he’ll assume it’s porn, and if I do send him it, he’ll assume it’s porn.

How did I get myself into this situation?

Me: What if I don’t send you it?

Ryan: Then I can only assume you’re reading porn.

Me: How would you even know I was sending you the last page I read? I could pick any page I wanted.

Ryan: If it’s not smutty, I’ll know it’s not the last page you read. If the last page you read wasn’t completely filthy, you’d have just sent it to me without hesitation to prove your point.

Dammit!
He’s got me there. I’m between a rock and a hard place. The brave thing to do would be to send it to him. He’s going to make fun of me either way. Anyway, there’s no shame in reading a good romance novel!

Screw it.

Me:

No turning back now.
Crap!

Ryan: Jesus, Natty. This shit’s even turning me on, and I’m a guy. We usually need visuals.

Me: You don’t know their story. You don’t know the characters. And it’s just one page. You can’t possibly understand!

Ryan: It may be porn with a good storyline, but it’s porn none-the-less, Natty. And I quote “She was so wet, he entered her in one hard thrust, then stilled as she quivered around him, adjusting to his considerable length.”

There’s only one word to describe this:
mortifying!

Ryan: This might even be better than porn. I may just have to download it myself. Or maybe you can just screenshot the really good bits, like this, and text them to me.

Me: OMG stop! This is so embarrassing.

Ryan: Ha ha. I’m just messing with you, Nat. I know tons of girls love reading this stuff. It’s just fun to get a rise out of you is all. There’s nothing wrong with the books you read ;)

Me: I know there’s nothing wrong with them!

Like I need him to validate my reading choices.

Ryan: Do you want a man like the one in this book?

Me: Doesn’t every girl want a man like the one in the book?