Boo Hiss (18 page)

“No … no, not at all,” Lois replied the third time Martin asked her whether he’d freaked her out. “Seriously, it’s Skary. Someone sneaking up on you in the dark is usually no reason for concern or alarm.” She said this while clenching one hand over her wildly beating heart.

Martin smiled. “I just wanted a little bit of time alone with you. I didn’t want to say this in front of the entire cast.”

“Say what?”

He stared at the gravel. “I’m just quite fond of you, Lois. And it’s not like me to look at a woman. I haven’t looked at a woman in years. Didn’t even know I was still capable of it. But then you came into my life …”

Lois’s heart melted. Martin Blarty was not a man that she would’ve looked twice at a decade ago, but this was not a decade ago. This was midlife. At midlife, there are certain things that don’t bother you anymore, like the fact that a man is three inches shorter than you are. As a mature woman, your standards haven’t slipped, they’ve just deepened to include Volvos instead of Corvettes. There is nothing at all wrong with quiet dependability and a surplus of air bags.

Lois touched his hand. He almost flinched, but recovered nicely.
“Martin,” Lois said, “you are one of the kindest, sweetest men I know.”

Martins expression sagged. “But?”

“But what?”

“Theres always a ‘but’ after that statement.”

Lois laughed. “Were not in high school anymore.”

“Oh. Right.” He smiled. “The thing is, Lois, that I don’t have a lot to offer. I’m not a powerful man, and I don’t have a lot of talents beyond my small world of numbers.”

“You have more talent than you know, Martin. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“Credit can be dangerous in the wrong hands,” he joked, then shook his head. “See? Even my humor revolves around numbers.”

Lois laughed at his joke, but inside she was feeling somewhat conflicted. Though she was strongly attracted to the sheriff, his stupid antics weren’t giving their relationship much hope. He seemed to like her only if she pretended to be the fictional character of Lotus, whose dreamy eyes, silky hair, and knockout body were nothing Lois could compete with at this stage in her life. Was that all that man wanted? A hot young Jaguar?

Martin stood before her looking as awkward as a pocket protector on a tuxedo. Yet there was something about Martin … a strange, quiet confidence that rested in his gentle eyes.

“I’ve said something wrong,” Martin sighed.

“I’ll say,” Lois replied.

Martin glanced at her with a startle. “What did I say?”

“It’s what you didn’t say.”

The poor guy looked ready to pass out.

Lois continued. “I’m still waiting for you to ask me out again.” She folded her arms just for effect.

“Oh! Uh, yes, of course!” Martin slapped a hand to his cheek. “Lois, how can you think I wouldn’t want to go out with you? I’m waiting around in the dark for a chance to talk to you.”

“As I’m sure you’re well aware, Martin, women don’t always make a lot of sense. We’re not neat and tidy like a column of numbers. We’re more complicated … like the English language. How did you do in English, Martin?”

“I can’t say I did all that good.”

“Just remember. Like so many words in our delightfully eccentric language, women oftentimes have more than one meaning, if you catch my drift.”

Martin appeared not to.

Butch walked out of the coat closet like it was the men’s bathroom. “Hi Wolfe,” he said casually. “Have you put the sandwich stuff up yet?”

Oliver’s coat dropped to the floor, and Wolfe watched Butch walk toward the kitchen. He managed to get his feet working in order to follow him.

“What are you doing in my coat closet?” Wolfe demanded.

“Hi kids,” Butch said to the dogs, who gathered at his feet with expectant looks on their faces.

“Butch! Answer me!”

“Wolfe, calm down. You’re going to wake the dead.”

“Have you been in there the whole time?”

“For about an hour. I slipped in while you were upstairs talking to my sister. Then I heard a car pull up, so I stepped inside the closet. I
didn’t want my presence to be compromised. Turns out I made the right decision, since the car ended up being my dads.”

“Why would that matter?” Wolfe asked, eyeing the peculiar sway that Butch seemed to have over his dogs. “And why are Goose and Bunny being so friendly to you?”

Butch pulled out three strips of bacon from his pocket. “I never leave home without these. They’ve worked wonders in all parts of the world, taming animals and bribing people for information.” He fed the dogs the remaining pieces. “That’s why they didn’t alert you to my presence. They felt guilty for taking food from someone they obviously should have alerted you about. Bacon is one of the most powerful weapons in the world.”

Wolfe couldn’t begin to find words to dispel the stunned feeling that had paralyzed his body. Butch was slicing the bread. “I thought Dad would never leave. Someone’s going to have to talk some sense into that man. He has one love in his life, and that’s Mom. It’s understandable to lose one’s mind every now and then. Dad isn’t perfect, and the older he gets, the more he lets things slip. But I’m going to have to talk some sense into him.”

“You can’t do that. Nobody is supposed to know.”

“I was standing in the closet, Wolfe. I heard everything.”

“How are you going to explain that?”

“I’ll tell him you told me.”

Wolfe felt himself growing angry. He looked up at the clock. It was after midnight. He was exhausted. And now he had to deal with his brother-in-law hiding in his closet and acting as if that was perfectly natural.

“Besides being creepy, you’ve really violated my privacy. I mean, what if I’d been … you know … with my wife?”

“First of all,” Butch said with a chuckle, “I knew that wasn’t going to happen. You have houseguests, and I happen to know Ainsley’s well-planned schedule wouldn’t allow for that on the same night you have play practice. Second, I make it my business to know people’s schedules and habits. It’s what makes me as dangerous as I am clever. For example, I happen to know that every night before you go to bed, you come down and make yourself a sandwich.”

Wolfe fumbled a few words before finally blurting out, “Why in the world are you hiding anyway? Why not just stop by or call on the phone?”

“It’s classified.”

Wolfe suppressed a scream.

“I’m just kidding,” Butch laughed. “But that sounded good, didn’t it?”

“I want an explanation.”

“Look, I’ve uncovered some highly sensitive information, and the fact of the matter is that I don’t know what to do with it or how to handle it.”

Wolfe wanted to reach out and strangle the man.

“I’m serious,” Butch added. “Highly sensitive information,” Wolfe growled. “In Skary, Indiana.”

“It has to do with the snake.”

“I’m listening.” Anything that could get Melb and Oliver out of his house was worth listening to.

“Well, while Mr. Snake Expert had his ideas about how to capture that snake, I had some of my own. And I found it.”

“The snake? You found the snake?”

“For the next couple of days, it’s safe and hidden. But after that, I’m not sure.”

“Where is it? Let’s go get it!”

“Not so fast,” Butch said. “It’s not going to be that easy. First of all, if Leonard Tarffeski catches wind of this, we’re going to have ourselves a real fight. That man is an imposter, but more than that, he’s out for
money. All he cares about is capturing that snake and most likely selling it on the black market.”

“So? Lets give it to him and move on.”

“Wolfe, that snake is a boys pet.”

“He’s nineteen.”

“So what. He’s raised that snake since birth. Unfortunately, Tarffeski has convinced Dustin that he’s on his side. Dustin isn’t going to trust anyone but that snake charmer.”

“So we get the snake, return it to Dustin, and be on with it.”

“I know this seems simple to you, Wolfe, but you’re going to have to slow down and think things through.”

“Like what?”

“For starters, the snake looks to weigh about twenty pounds.”

“Twenty?”

“He’s huge. He must have been feasting on raccoons or beavers or something. And I’ve seen a lot of wacky things in my line of work, but I’ve never gotten chills like I did when those two heads were staring at me.”

Wolfe couldn’t resist. “You were scared?”

“My line of work doesn’t require the removal of fear. It requires the control of it.”

Wolfe sighed and leaned forward on the counter. “So why are you telling me all this? What does this have to do with me?”

“It’s a two-man operation. And more than anyone else in this town, you’ve got the experience.”

“I don’t have any experience with this.”

“Sure you do. You wrote a book about it.”

“A book about what?”

“Snakes. Don’t you remember?”

“I wrote a book that had a snake in it. And contrary to popular belief, just because I put it in a book doesn’t mean I’m an expert.”

“Well, the snake is a complete monster. Surely that’s in your arena.”

“I write horror but try my best not to live it.”

“Look, either you help me get this snake and get it back to Dustin without Tarffeski cluing in, or you resign yourself to living with Jekyll and Hyde.”

Wolfe’s head pounded, and his eyes were burning with fatigue. After a few moments watching Butch eat three slices of bread, Wolfe finally said, “Fine. I’ll help you. But I need some rest.”

“We’ll start our operation tomorrow at o-nine-hundred.”

“Shall I open the back door for you, or would you like to leave out a window or something?”

“Cute. There are a lot of myths about what I do, Wolfe. But we do use doors from time to time.”

Wolfe walked him to the back. As Butch stepped outside he said, “And remember. Not a word about this to anyone.”

Wolfe’s eyes rolled back, but he wasn’t sure if it was from exhaustion or exasperation. He quietly closed the door and turned off all the lights in the house. Climbing the stairs with intentional quietness, he finally made it to the top and to his bedroom. Lifting the covers with a gentle hand, he slid under the sheets and for the first time since he’d decided to make a sandwich, he inhaled a deep breath.
Finally. Bed
.

He rolled over to take Ainsley into his arms, but to his surprise grabbed an empty pillow instead. Sitting up, he clicked on his bedroom lamp. Her side of the bed was completely empty! The bathroom light was off, and the door was open. He looked on the other side of the bed, just to make sure she hadn’t fallen out. Carpet stared back.

He hopped out of bed, checked the bathroom, then checked the closet. “Ainsley?” he whispered. “Ainsley!”

As he rounded the corner into the hallway, he ran right into her.
They both screamed, then covered each others mouths. Wolfe whisked her into the bedroom and closed the door.

“What are you doing?”

“What are
you
doing?” she whispered back.

“Coming to bed.”

“At this late hour?”

“I … I needed some time to wind down. Why aren’t you asleep?”

She moved past him and into bed.

“Ainsley? You didn’t answer my question,” he said, crawling in beside her. “Why aren’t you in bed?”

“I was checking on Melb.”

“Why? She’s sleeping.”

“I know. I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“Isn’t Oliver sleeping right beside her?”

“Yes, but he snores so loud, I don’t think he could hear if she needed help. I watched her breathe for a few minutes, though, and everything seems fine.”

“What kind of help would Melb need in the middle of the night? She’s sleeping!”

Ainsley rolled over in a huff and dragged all the covers with her. Wolfe sighed and turned out his light. He hadn’t read a lot of books on marriage and had pretty much been winging it with Ainsley since they first met, but common sense told him there was a rule that allowed a woman to discuss her own mental breakdown ad nauseam, but the man was not to mention it under any circumstance.

So Wolfe stared at the ceiling and listened to Oliver’s tuneful snoring.

C
HAPTER
18

A
S IF
G
OD WAS SHINING DOWN
on Ainsley this morning, Oliver had announced to her that he was going to take the morning off to spend some time with Melb. Ainsley was dressed by eight, and spent ten minutes gawking in the mirror at herself. It had been a while since she’d worn this much makeup, but she felt beautiful. Her hair was put neatly into place, and her cheeks shimmered with a soft pink.

Downstairs, even Wolfe commented. “You look radiant!” he declared, pulling her into an embrace.

“I’ve got to go to the church regarding one of my catering jobs.” She stepped back and noticed he was fully dressed. “Where are you going this morning?”

He shrugged. “I’m spending some time with your brother.”

“Why?”

“Well, it looks like he’s going to be around here more, so I should get to know him better.”

“That’s so sweet!” she said. They didn’t mention the fight last night, and sometimes it was better to just ignore things that happen in the early morning hour when one person is not right in the head.

Wolfe was obviously exhausted and had lost all common sense. He craved sleep more than Melb’s health, but Ainsley couldn’t blame him. She was exhausted too. However, Melb came before her needs, and that’s just the way it was. Wolfe would learn.

In the meantime, she had the important task of measuring the
church basement to see how many tables could fit down there. And she arrived right on time!”

“Good morning, Reverend!” Ainsley said as she flung open the sanctuary doors.

The reverend looked startled until he saw her. “My girl! How are you? You look as beautiful as ever.” He hugged her with warm arms.

“Thank you. I’m here to take some measurements of the basement.”

“You too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Katelyn is downstairs doing that exact same thing.”

Ainsley started toward the basement door.

“Wait,” the reverend said, gently grabbing her arm.

“What’s the matter?”

He guided her to a pew where he offered her a seat, took the pew ahead and turned around to face her. “I need your opinion.”

“Sure. What about?”

“Things are changing mighty fast around here, Ainsley. And I know I’m old and probably out of touch with a lot of things, but I can’t help feeling a little overwhelmed.”

“What kinds of things are changing?”

“The basement, of course. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s just a new thing. We’ve never really catered to children, you know? When I was growing up, I sat right next to my parents through a two-hour sermon, and I remember listening to the whole thing from the age of six. Now we’ve got murals and drink bars and televisions. It seems like the whole religious world is passing me by.”

“Reverend, this is your church. If Katelyn is suggesting something you don’t like—”

“No, not at all. She’s been very gracious, and frankly, she has brought
a lot of life and activity to this old church. I’m not complaining. I just hope I can keep up.”

“You’ll do fine,” Ainsley said, patting him on the arm.

“I’ve been praying for a long time for this church. And I know God well enough to know that it’s a rarity to have a prayer answered the way you think it should be. I always imagined my powerful, charismatic sermons might be a big draw someday, but it looks as if it may be the new cappuccino machine.”

“Reverend, your sermons are always powerful.”

He batted his hand in the air. “No matter. God will use me how He wants. I can serve coffee just as well as I can serve up a good speech. And if it means people will start attending church, who am I to stand in the way of that? So the whole world passes me by. So I’m left standing in the dust of the technology age. So I still prefer a cup of black coffee from an old pot. God is still God and I’m still on this earth at His beck and call.” The reverends shirt pocket vibrated. “Excuse me,” he said, and he answered his cell phone.

“Corner booth by the kitchen,” Butch told the waitress at The Mansion Restaurant. Wolfe followed them both and took his menu as he sat down.

When the waitress left, Wolfe said, “Most people like to be away from the kitchen.”

“Wolfe, this booth was chosen with our utmost privacy in mind. If we’re by the kitchen, it’s too noisy for other people to hear what we’re saying, and like you said, this is usually the most isolated part of the restaurant.”

“Why couldn’t we meet at the new coffeehouse?”

“Because that’s the exact wrong place to meet. Most people are there alone, pretending to read newspapers while they eavesdrop on conversations.” He looked up as the waitress approached. “Two poached eggs, two pieces of toast, a glass of orange juice, and ten slices of bacon. For you, Wolfe?”

“Just some coffee.”

The waitress returned to the kitchen, and Butch said, “All right. There’re some things you’re going to need to know.”

“Like where the snake is.”

“Not so fast. One thing at a time. First of all, you’re going to need to be trained in the handling of boas.”

“Why would I need that?”

“Because you’re going to be handling a boa.”

“I’m not touching any such thing.”

“Just listen, will you? If we’re going to do this, we’re both going to have to approach this snake like the pet that it is. So the first thing you should know is that although a boa’s bite can cause a lot of bleeding, it isn’t fatal and doesn’t hurt more than a cat scratch. And in fact, it won’t even bleed if you can manage to keep your hand or arm completely still when the snake strikes.”

“Sure. No problem.”

“Don’t be sarcastic, Wolfe. I’m just giving you the facts.”

“A plan would be nice.”

“The first part of the plan is to make the snake familiar with us. We’re not sure how much Dustin handled the snake, but we know it was probably handled at least a little. However, it’s been gone from that environment for so long, it may not be used to human touch.”

“You’re not serious. We have to touch it?”

“Wolfe, how on earth do you think we’re going to capture it? With pleasant conversation and an invitation for cheesecake?”

“I’m not touching it.”

“Hear me out. The first thing we have to do is find a large, cloth bag a little larger than a pillowcase because it’s definitely not going to fit in a pillowcase. We place the bag near the snake. It will be drawn into it because it’s dark. Once it is in there, we close the bag, and then we begin to start touching the bag. We sort of stroke the body of the snake until it gets used to being touched. After that, you will remove the snake and hold it against your warm body—”

“Or your dead body.”

“It sounds extreme. But once we get it in the sack, we can probably transport it. It’s going to take both of us though.”

Wolfe massaged his temples. “I can’t imagine holding a snake, much less a two-headed snake.”

“I won’t lie. It was freaky. The sack will help. We won’t have to look at it’s heads.”

“How in the world do we get to the snake in the first place? Won’t it hear us coming?”

“Snakes don’t have ears, Wolfe. But they do feel vibrations. That’s where my training will come in handy. I can teach you to walk without making a sound.”

Wolfe downed his coffee. This was not the solution he had in mind for the mother of all maternal crises, but it was the only one that seemed somewhat plausible.
If the snake’s caught, Melb will have to return home and Ainsley will have to return to normal
.

Butch was slicing his eggs. “You know what I’ve found in life, Wolfe? There’s not much to fear. I’ve been in some of the most dangerous situations imaginable, but God delivered me. And even if death had
corne, my life would’ve continued on in a better place. Is a two-headed snake going to get your heart pounding? You better believe it. But just think of all the great stories you can tell about how you handled a two-headed snake. Surely that’s fodder for a book.”

“I’m not looking for fodder,” Wolfe lied.

“Well then you must be looking for a way to get your life back to normal.”

He couldn’t even pretend to lie about that.

“So will you help me?” Butch asked, finishing up his breakfast and stuffing bacon into his jacket pocket.

Wolfe leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. A lot was riding on this, mostly at a personal level, but the town was still reeling from it too. It would sure make the sheriff’s job easier. Plus, he couldn’t deny, there was a certain amount of manliness at stake.

“Okay,” Wolfe sighed. “I’ll help you. But I am not holding the snake against my warm body’”

Butch nodded and pushed his plate back. “We’ll just have to get creative.”

“That’s what scares me. So where is the snake?”

“At Gordon and Alba’s farmhouse, in the basement.” Butch stood and threw down a few dollars. “I’ll be in touch.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’ve got to go see my dad, talk some sense into him about this fling he thinks he needs.”

“You’ll do no such thing!”

“He’s my dad, Wolfe. I don’t think you have a lot to say.”

“Your father came to me and confided in me about a personal matter. He expects me to keep it private.”

Butch laughed. “Private. That’s funny.”

“What’s so funny about it?”

“Nothing is private, Wolfe. And by nothing, I mean nothing. I can access anything from anybody anytime I want.”

“Good for you. But you are not going to talk to your father about this. Unless he spills the beans to you, you’re not going to talk to him about it.”

“You’re going to physically stop me?” Butch said, puffing out his chest.

“If I have to.”

“I’d like to see that. I have four black belts.”

“Well, I have knowledge of a certain snake. And its whereabouts.”

Butch’s chest deflated. “You got me. Information is one of the most deadly weapons around. All right. I’ll back off Dad. For now. But all bets are off after we find that snake.” Butch moved past him.

“Butch, what’s the deal? Don’t you want your father to find companionship?”

“Why? He’s got me.”

“Hi,” Ainsley said. She stepped down the basement stairs as timidly as a mouse-hunting kitten. She didn’t want to admit it, but this Katelyn Downey made her unsure of herself.

“Oh, hi,” Katelyn said. She was covered in paint and had ratty old overalls on, but the look did nothing to ruffle her perpetual air of perfection. Setting down her paintbrush and wiping her hands on her rag, she met Ainsley halfway. “Good to see you.”

“Thanks. You too,” Ainsley said. How did she get her hair to do that? So perky. Before now, Ainsley’s seemed admirable because of its lack of split ends.

“You sound tired. Are you feeling okay?”

“Oh, yeah, fine. Just up with the … the.

“Kids? I know how it feels. It can wreak havoc on your eyes.” She smiled and avoided Ainsley’s gaze. Ainsley touched the puffy patch of skin below each eye. She didn’t think they were that noticeable. “So? What do you think of the mural?” Katelyn asked.

“It’s nice. Makes this room look so colorful.”

“We’re going to be adding purple carpet. We’ll have a TV in that corner, a puppet castle over there, and then of course a little beverage bar. All proceeds go to God, which will teach the kids to give.”