Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (17 page)

I try to keep my frown all the way to the kitchen, but Eric’s not there. There is only Jesse eating from a bowl of MultiGrain Cheerios, completely immersed in a text book. Or so he’d like me to think. His eyes stare straight down at the page, not moving along the lines.

I clear my throat. “You okay?”

“Mhm,” he answers, swallows and scoops another spoon into his mouth.

“I mean, is your body okay?”

Jesse chews slowly and nods again.

It’s impossible for me to stay serious, so I have this huge grin on my face when I grab a bowl and spoon and pour myself some breakfast. God, if Eric saw me now, he’d know. At least the dorm’s an old house with thick walls and solid doors. We could probably be pretty noisy without anyone hearing.

I lean against the sink and eat standing up. I wonder what we were doing at the stroke of midnight. Probably kissing, maybe even on the bed. Jesse’s mine now. Mine alone. Now I just have to make sure he’ll want to stay with me forever.

“So, happy new year,” I say to him.

He mumbles with a nod.

What’s with the attitude? Is Eric near? I glance around but Eric might as well be dead in his room by the silence in the dorm.

A sneaking suspicion creeps from behind me.

“Jesse, do you regret it?” I ask, my voice low.

Jesse stops chewing, but still refuses to look up.

God, this is the worst. I can’t believe he’s pulling back again.

There’s no way I can accept that.

He swallows the food and takes a drink of his orange juice.

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“No,” he says, releasing a tide of relief in my body. “I’m just a little embarrassed.” His cheeks are flushed when he glances up from under his unruly hair.

I smile at him, thinking how adorable he looks in his loose black sports pants and red V-neck. Jesse’s shy smile widens and he looks down again.

We finish eating and move to the living room. There’s still no sign of Eric, so I sit next to Jesse and put my arm around him.

His back goes rigid and his fingers roll up into fists.

“Don’t worry,” I say. “There’s no one here.” My fingers caress his jaw line and chin and he doesn’t stop me when I pull him closer and kiss him. He parts his lips and meets my tongue in a deep, sensual kiss. I wrap my arm around his narrow waist, sliding my fingers under his shirt.

Jesse moans in my mouth. The tension in his body slowly disappears the more I advance. He tilts his head back to allow me better access to his neck.

“Jesse?” I whisper.

“Mm?”

His eyes are closed, his face slack. He seems to be lost in some kind of a haze.

“Was it painful?”

“No,” he whispers.

I don’t believe that. It was his first time after all. “Not at all?” I find his lips again and he shakes his head just as I sink my tongue into his mouth. I guess I prepared him well.

“Right now I’m a little sore, but not in pain,” he clarifies when we break apart.

“What was it like for you?” I whisper into his ear and suck on his earlobe.

Jesse shudders. “Like the other orgasms you give me, magnified by a hundred.”

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“The orgasms
I
give you?” I whisper with a smile, sliding my hand further up his back.

I pull him on top of me and he straddles my lap. He bends down and kisses me on the mouth.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “The orgasms you give me are so much better than the ones I give myself.”

He slides his tongue back in my mouth. My cock is hard against my jeans, so I slip my hand in to adjust it. Jesse sees it, pushes my head back and kisses my neck, grinding his crotch against mine.

There’s something I need to ask him, something about what he said, but my head is all cloudy. He’s ready to go again? We should go upstairs in case Eric decides to join the living.

Jesse’s lips are so soft on my skin. But it’s not just his lips, it’s his tongue that licks the side of my windpipe, his fingers that caress my face and hair, and his body that pushes against mine in blind lust. He wants it badly. He wants
me
badly.

“Ah, Jesse,” I gasp. “Wait.”

“You don’t want this?” he whispers, knowing full well that I do by the way he keeps nibbling on my skin.

He grabs my hands and slides them under his shirt. He dives in for another deep kiss and moves his sexy hips so that his crotch slides against the erect cock in my pants.

“Wait, Jesse, we should go upstairs,” I say and that magically brings him out of it.

He tilts his head downwards and smiles the tiniest smile with blushing cheeks. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Hey.” I lift his chin to catch his eyes. “Don’t be embarrassed.

You’re driving me crazy here. I just don’t want to give Eric a show if he’s conscious enough to drag himself out here.” Jesse smiles. “Yeah, that would be bad, though I’m tempted to make it clear to him that you’re off limits.”

“Jesse, there’s honestly nothing going on between us. I don’t understand why you’re so hooked up on that.” A Life Without You
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He gazes downwards with thinned lips before raising his eyes to mine. “Adam, how many partners have you had?” he whispers.

The question takes me by so much surprise that I feel my eyes widen. “How many partners? I’ve never been in a serious relationship.”

“That’s not what I asked.” He’s no longer whispering.

I don’t understand what this has anything to do with us, or Eric for that matter.

“Two boyfriends, a few one night stands, and now you,” I say, not knowing whether to smile or not.

“How many one night stands?”

I recognize the tone of jealousy in his voice. It’s the same as when he talks about Eric. How can he be so insecure about my sincerity for him?

“Jesse,” I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “Do we really have to talk about this?”

“Please, Adam, just answer.”

I sigh again. “I don’t know. I’ve never kept a count.” A small crease forms between his eyebrows. “That many, huh?” He pushes himself off me and stands up.

“No, not really. Jesse, why are you even thinking about this?” I stand up and take his hand, but he jerks it free.

“I just can’t help it, okay? I know it’s stupid to be jealous of something that happened before we even met –” He stops mid sentence. His eyes widen and then narrow suspiciously. “Or have you been with other guys since you met me? Maybe that Jazz guy?”

My surprise, disbelief, and pain- it’s all replaced by a repulsive feeling of anger that drums in my chest.

“What the hell? How can you even ask me that?” I grab his wrist and refuse to let it go, no matter how hard he pulls. “I haven’t been able to think about anyone other than you since the first moment I saw you, Jesse. How can you doubt that? Did
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Chirpy’s jealousy rub off on you when you left her?”

“How can I
not
think about this?” he yells back. “You spent so much time alone with Eric and you said yourself that you had fun together –”

“We spent the nights watching TV. I can’t tell you which movies because I was thinking of you every single minute, Jesse.”

“You said you had fun with him – what kind of fun?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I yell, turning my back on him for a moment while I try to compose myself. “We talked, drank beer, watched movies, ate, and then had that Christmas lunch at Rick and Benji’s and that’s about it.” I turn around to face him, feeling just a little calmer.

“Was Jazz there?”

I let out a cold laugh. “Yes, Jazz was there with someone else.

Look, I haven’t been near Jazz, and Eric and I just aren’t attracted to each other, so will you just give it up?” I back Jesse into a wall and make him stay there. He’s strong, but I’m not weak either and I have the added advantage of my height.

Jesse bares his teeth while he struggles to free his wrists. “I don’t believe he’s not attracted to you! I thought I was straight and I still couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Why would he be so persistent to have you as his study partner if he didn’t want you?”

“How the fuck should I know? Maybe because he thinks I’m fun to be around?”

Jesse chortles. “Yeah, right.”

“Hey,” I shout and then clamp my jaws shut to keep from saying something I’ll regret – namely that he’s acting like a girl.

Instead I force his wrists against the wall and stare down into his face. His tawny eyes gleam in the bright light that floods through the windows.

Jesse looks away with a sigh. His voice is calmer when he speaks again. “I don’t mean that you’re not fun to be with, it’s A Life Without You
133

just that I hardly ever see you two laugh together. It’s weird. You always have these serious faces whenever you talk, whether it’s in the library, in class, or in the dorm. There’s a smirk – at the most.

Sometimes I hear you guys even say mean things to each other and you bicker like an old couple. But when Eric’s talking to the other guys he goes all glamour and girly. Why?” My heart thrashes around in my throat as my anger fades.

When Jesse’s angry, when he’s being stubborn, and when he’s resigned he looks too cute. I release his wrists and pull him into a hug.

“Have you been spying on us?”

“No,” Jesse answers defiantly. “I’ve just noticed when I happen to see you together.”

“Mhm,” I tease and hug him tighter. “I don’t know why he acts differently. He’s very serious when it comes to studying and we throw good-natured insults at each other sometimes, but that’s just how we communicate. It’s nothing to be jealous of.”

“Yeah, but it’s like he can only be himself around
you
. He shows you sides of himself he never shows others. It drives me nuts.”

“Maybe it’s because I don’t let him get away with the crap he comes up with,” I say. “Most people don’t know how to behave around him, but when I’m with him I’m there on my own terms.

He’s tried stretching my patience in so many ways, but I just don’t let him get away with it and always say things as they are. I think he likes that I don’t sugarcoat what I say to him. But I’ve honestly never felt any sort of desire from him – he just wants me as a friend.”

Jesse sighs. “Fine, but it also makes me mad that you’re so experienced. I didn’t realize just how experienced you were until after last night. I mean, I wasn’t thinking about it when we were…you know…doing it, but this morning I was thinking that you must have had loads of partners. I just hate it.” His fingers clasp the shirt on my back. His jealousy is rather sweet, even though it’s more than a little naive. He’d voiced his
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disapproval of my previous partners before, but I had no idea it had been eating at him. Does this mean that his feelings for me are as strong as mine are for him?

I loosen my grip and find his lips to kiss. He struggles a little, but eventually gives in. I place my hands on either side of his face and force him to look me in the eye while I speak.

“Would you rather I sweet-talk him and laugh with him all the time?” I ask with a curled lip.

“No.” He laughs and turns his face away. I pull it back towards me.

“I can’t change the past, Jesse. I can only decide on the present and the future. But don’t you think I got jealous when I thought about you and Anne together? It killed me inside every time. These past two weeks have been hell for me. The thing is that I had a legitimate reason to be jealous and you didn’t. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” he whispers. “But she and I haven’t had sex, so you really don’t have to be jealous.” My hands drop to my sides when I release his face.

Jesse looks down and mumbles. “She wanted to stay a virgin until legally wed.”

“But – but you guys experimented, right? Like, with blowjobs and stuff?”

His hair tickles my chin when he shakes his head. “She took this vow of purity in front of her dad and God. She wanted to break it during Christmas, but I knew it was because she’s worried that I’ll cheat on her if she doesn’t sleep with me, so I stopped her. She’s the religious type, so this thing’s important to her.” I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. It pains me that he cared for her so much that he kept his hands off her, but it also relieves me knowing that he wasn’t sleeping with her. And since they’d been together for years…

Jesse glances up. “The only sexual experiences I’ve had have been with you. Even the tongue kissing and yeah, that bathroom A Life Without You
135

blowjob. Pretty lame, huh?”

“No,” I breathe through a smile. There’s a steady stream of pleasure from my heart to my brain. A very rare feeling of complete happiness. “I’m your first.” I grab Jesse and kiss him deeply.

“But I’m not
your
first,” Jesse whispers on my lips.

I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes.

“You’re my first love. That’s a huge ‘first’ and way more important than a first sexual partner. I love you, Jesse.” I kiss him gently, then passionately. “I love you so much,” I whisper against his mouth.

He’s struggling again, just a little, trying to push my body away from his, but his lips and tongue are still moving with mine.

“I know you don’t feel as strongly, so I’m not expecting you to say it back, but this is how I feel about you. I love you like I’ve never loved before. Like I will never love again.” Jesse stops struggling, loops his arms around my waist, and hugs me tightly. “Adam,” he whispers so gently that my throat tightens with emotions.

He’s lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders. I didn’t have to be so jealous of Anne.

“How did she take it?” I ask while we bask in each other’s embrace.

“How did who take what?” Jesse asks.

“Anne, when you broke up with her.”

By the way his muscles tighten in my arms I already know.

“I-I didn’t. We didn’t. We’re still…”

I release his body slowly and he moves back to look at me.

He’s still planning on marrying her, which means that he’s not planning on having a future with me. I scarcely allowed myself to believe that he’d broken up with her, but now that I know he hasn’t it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest all over again.