Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (20 page)

“I think I should go and talk to Jesse.”

“Like hell you will,” Eric says and darts off my bed. “First you need to eat, because you look like a ghost, and then you need to get stronger or you’ll just get sucked into your addiction again, and –”

“Addiction? I don’t have an addiction.” Eric puts a cup into a microwave.

“Adam, Jesse is your addiction. Seriously, dude. Being so completely obsessed with someone is messed up. You pass out for a month because he rejects you and they say that
I
have a flare for drama. I’ve got nothing on you, bro.” Obsessed? Am I obsessed? With Jesse on my mind every waking minute, his presence in my dreams almost every night, wagging my invisible tail every time he shows me any kind of attention, seducing him little by little until we were having sex every day. Kissing his soft lips, stroking his hot body, drowning in his scent. Yeah, I probably am a little obsessed.

“You missed the Centauri Publishing presentation. The owner is seriously hot,” Eric says with a dreamy look in his eye.

“Black hair, brown eyes, tanned skin – so my type.” He leans back against the wall. “They’re hiring an assistant for the summer, so I sent in my resume. I made one for you as well, but I had to make A Life Without You
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up a lot. You speak German and Russian, by the way.”

“Thanks,” I say with a snort.

“No prob.”

The microwave pings. Eric takes the cup and stirs it with a spoon. He stands over me until I finish every last drop of the soup and helps me to the white painted bathroom afterwards.

I feel a little embarrassed. He had to help me to the bathroom for a month, which means he had to – No, I’d rather not think about it.

“Did you have to carry me to the bathroom?” I ask.

“Nah, I just had to lead you there, sometimes support you.

You kind of did things automatically once I got you in here.”

“Well that’s good,” I say, feeling more than a little relieved he didn’t have to wipe my ass.

I don’t close the door while I pee. My body is so weak that I’m afraid to collapse. I flush, wash my hands, and gasp in horror when I look in the mirror.

“Yeah, not pretty, right?” Eric is leaning against the white panel doorway with his arms folded over his chest. “It hasn’t been easy watching you shrivel up like that. It was hard to get you to eat anything but soup. But you see what I mean about needing to get stronger, right?”

I’ve lost at least twenty pounds. My face is sunken, my blue eyes are huge, and my skin is white as sheet. I don’t look like a ghost. I look worse than a ghost; I look like a corpse.

“Though I’m seriously tempted to march you right over to his room just to show him what he did to you.” I graze my hand across my stubbly chin.

“He didn’t do this to me. I did this to me. I kept hoping –”

“The hell he didn’t. He’s been stringing you along this whole time.”

Eric walks over and brings out my shaving kit. There are a lot of items here that belong to me: my toothbrush, my cologne, my
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washcloth. Come to think of it, there were some clothes of mine on a chair by the bed.

“I have no idea how this thing between you started.” He applies shaving cream on my face and starts shaving. “I’m ticked off that you never told me, but he’s been keeping your hopes alive by having sex with you. It doesn’t matter if he loves you in some sick way because in the end, he was never going to choose you. I know I’m being harsh, bro, but it needs to be said.”
He doesn’t love me.

“How’d you know we were having sex?”

“I heard this annoying chirping voice leave the house that day and thought it had to be Jesse’s girlfriend, so I went by your room to see if you were okay. I ended up eavesdropping and heard the whole thing. He’s such a jerk.”

“Maybe he didn’t mean all of it,” I say and sit down on the toilet to make shaving easier for Eric.

“Probably not, but he said a lot of things that were unnecessary and as I said, he’s been stringing you along, so that makes him a jerk in my books.”

What exactly did Jesse say to me? It’s hard to remember. I mostly remember the piercing pain. I do remember him saying that what we had was just sex, but that was probably not true.

I know it was more than sex to him, even if it wasn’t love. Eric is right, though. He never meant to choose me. He was always going to choose her.

It takes me a week to gather enough strength to go outside.

Eric’s been cramming my brain with school texts, and I got a checkup from a doctor that Eric personally knows. I don’t have much appetite, but Eric makes sure I eat everything he brings me, including those nasty protein bars that stick to your gums.

I walk away from the campus into the surrounding woods and find a small clearing I used to go to when the weather was good.

It’s very close to our dorm, just a few feet from the back of it. I can see my old room from here, but I can’t bring myself to look closely at the windows. I don’t think I could bear it if I saw Jesse A Life Without You
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looking back.

I wear an extra sweater, but the chill I felt through the open window this morning has been replaced by warm rays of sun.

The log I sit on is dry and it feels rough against my fingers. So different from the touch of Jesse’s smooth skin.

I wonder how he’ll react when I see him again. I wonder how
I’ll
react. Will I break down again and cry? Will he be on guard? He probably knows how hurt I was and he’ll want to set boundaries to keep that from happening again. He may have flung me aside, but he still has a kind and caring heart and must have some remaining feelings for me. He’ll probably ask me to stay with Eric – no, to stay with
anyone
but Eric – but he’ll probably not want to be my roommate anymore. The thought alone makes my chest ache.

But if he didn’t love me, then why was he always so jealous of Eric? Was he just being possessive, making sure he could keep me all to himself? I didn’t admit it back then, but I think I always knew how unfair he was. If he’d have asked me to I would have stopped studying with Eric, but he wouldn’t cancel his plans to marry Chirpy no matter how often I begged.

My mind goes blank for a minute. I get the feeling that someone is calling my name. My whole body lurches when I realize that someone is kneeling by my side. And my heart skips a beat when I see it’s Jesse.

Is he real? Have I completely lost it?

“My God, Adam. I’m so sorry,” he says. He has my face cupped in his hands. He looks so pained when he reaches up and kisses my forehead with his soft lips. His scent fills my nostrils.

His fingers caress my face with silken tenderness. It feels so good.

I think this is real.

“Jesse?” I ask, just to be sure. My voice sounds unsure, surprised, and weak. That’s not my voice. This isn’t me.

“Adam, I’ve tried countless times to get Eric to let me see you but he’s been so stubborn. Please,
please
come back to me. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry.” He has his arms around me. He’s
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hugging me tightly. He’s kissing my temple, my cheek, and my jaw, sending all sorts of fireworks through my body and mind.

It takes me a while to understand what he’s saying. Everything is so overwhelming, the grass under my shoes that grew while I was out of it, the sweet scent of fresh air mixed with Jesse’s luscious cologne, the birds chirping in the trees. Chirping.
Chirpy
.

“Did you sleep with her?” I ask, my voice still not sounding like my own. Who is this person I’ve turned into and when did I turn into this person? At least I’m familiar with the sharp pain in my chest while I wait for his answer.

Jesse’s whisper is barely audible. “I’m sorry.” I turn my face away just as he leans in for a kiss and his soft lips land on my cheek.

“She is still your girlfriend.”

Jesse pulls away, voice still soft. “I’m going to marry her, Adam. You know that.”

“Then I can’t go back to you,” I whisper, surprising myself with my sudden decision, but I know it’s the right one to make.

“Besides, I have to get over these one-sided feelings of mine.”

“Adam, please. I love you. I do! I only said I didn’t to make you leave. That was such a huge mistake and I’m so sorry. I love you, Adam.”

Those words echo through my mind like a shout in the dark.

He loves me? He loves me. But if he loves me, then why did he intentionally hurt me so deeply?

“But you’re still going to stay with Anne, so how was that a mistake?” Here, I should be yelling, because I’m pretty sure the fissure in my chest is anger. But my voice sounds oddly calm, completely unaffected by everything I’m feeling inside.

Jesse’s eyebrows draw together when he sighs. “I’m so sorry for what I said to you, Adam. I didn’t mean it, I –” He stops when I raise my hand. I can’t listen to this. Not now.

I pull myself off the log with the aid of a narrow tree trunk.

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“You have no idea what your words did to me, Jesse. But it’s not just what you said. It’s what you did.”

“What do you mean?”

The wide eyes and honest innocence on his face has me wavering for a second. I sometimes forget about the sheltered life he’s led. There are things that he just doesn’t understand. I turn my back on him as I speak because I can’t say what I have to say if I look at him.

“I mean that I kept hoping you’d choose me in the end, but you didn’t.” My hands are already shaking and there’s tightness in my throat that will reveal itself if I’m not careful.

“You’re not being fair, Adam. You always knew I was engaged.

You knew it, and yet you chose to be with me. I’m going to stick to my plans, especially now that Anne and I have… But it’s not easy because I’m in love with you.”

God, there he goes and says it again. Do I believe it? I want to, but whether or not he loves me is irrelevant. There should be nothing between us, but currently there
is
someone standing in the way. If he truly loved me, he’d do what needed to be done for us to be together.

“You don’t love me, Jesse.”

I hear him stand up and walk towards me. He’s standing right behind me with only a few inches between us. I can’t face him; if I do, I’ll give into anything he asks of me.

“I’ve felt like shit since I yelled at you that day. It’s been playing in my head over and over and I just want to take it all back. God, it’s hell to be in that room and look at your empty bed. I tried to get Eric to let me see you. He said that you’ve been sick, but I never imagined…I never thought…” He sighs and I hear him rub his face with his palm. “Please, just
please
come back to me.” The strain in his voice tugs at my hearstrings. It’s so painful it sends tears prickling at my nose. Somehow I manage to swallow down the tears – to stay detached on the outside although I’m shattering all over again on the inside.

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“Adam, I-I was attracted to you even before I kissed you that first time. Ever since that night I moved in I thought you were joking about being gay. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I had to drown myself in alcohol before I got the nerve to kiss you. Then I had to drown myself some more because it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I love you, Adam. I’m so sorry I said I didn’t. Please, believe me.”

I flinch when his hand touches my shoulder. I want to turn around and fling myself into his arms, drown my pain in his presence and go back to loving Jesse. Maybe he really does love me, but that doesn’t change anything.

Jesse rests his forehead between my shoulder blades and wraps his arms around my torso.

“Can’t we just go back to the way things were? We’ll make love every day, just like we did. We’ll –”

“Jesse,” I interrupt, free myself from his arms and step away, my feet dragging like they weigh a thousand pounds. “This wasn’t just some fling for me, okay? It was – and still is – just some temporary fun for you that’ll end once college is over.” I gather what little courage I have and turn around. It’s hard to look at his face. His dirty-blonde hair looks lighter in the sun, but his beautiful eyes are lacking their usual sheen. When I look at him closer I see that his skin is paler and his body thinner. He hasn’t been taking good care of himself.

He starts shaking his head, so I continue, and now I hear the anger rise in my voice. “I let myself believe that we could be together in the future, like you so pigheadedly plan to be with Anne. Love isn’t just a physical attraction. It’s not about quenching one’s desires. I love you, Jesse – no, I
loved
you.

“I don’t know how the hell I feel about you now, but I put your needs before my own. Hell, I put your
life
before my own.

I’ve been retreating into this ‘closet’ for you so people won’t find out you’re living with a gay guy and start connecting the dots.

It makes everything feel so wrong because I never used to hide the fact that I’m gay. ‘Taking whatever I can get’ from you isn’t A Life Without You
161

enough for me anymore. I can’t live like that and you’re damn selfish if you expect me to. It’s all or nothing for me now.” I hate this. I hate seeing his eyebrows slant upwards, the sadness in his eyes, the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallows hard. Talking to him like this goes against every fiber in my body, but Eric’s done a good job at opening my eyes to my self-inflicted illusions. I have to make Jesse understand that I can’t accept being second in his life.

“If you can’t be comfortable with us being boyfriends…” –

the term has Jesse’s eyes widening – “…if you can’t break up with Anne and really commit to me, then we can’t be together at all.”

I walk away and hear the rustling of grass when Jesse follows.

“That’s not fair, Adam. Everyone expects me to marry Anne.

My mom expects to have grandchildren. I can’t just go and tell everyone that I’m in love with a guy. How do you even tell people that?”

I push through the bushes and find Eric leaning against a tree with his hands folded in front of him, thin white hair slowly wafting in the breeze.