Boston Boys [01] - A Life Without You (22 page)

“You said there were none available,” I point out.

“Yeah, they said that, but Henry says they bought a few last year and one still stands empty. It’s been promised to yet another sorority, but Henry’s trying to get that promise revoked because a) there are already three sororities in this school, b) a gayrority is new with a very important mission, and c) he got a feeling from speaking to the board members that they’re prejudiced. You and I know that’s not gonna work in Boston, so Henry’s prepared to go to court if he has to.”

“Sounds like one heck of a guy,” I say with a smile. Maybe this is the guy Eric is seeing? Or not, because there’s no Henry in our dorm.

“Oh, yeah. He’s like a politician, only hotter. He’s studying law, so this is right up his alley. Wouldn’t mind it if he took a visit up
my
alley,” he adds with a giggle.

I roll my eyes.

Eric stands up and gives my shoulder a weak punch. “Well, you slept until early this morning, showered, studied, ate at the cafeteria and thereby got some fresh air and a little exercise.

You’ve spoken to
moi
– your friend – but you need to socialize more. I mean, I’m losing some of my spark being cooped up with Emoman all the time. Let’s go.”

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“Aww, man, I don’t feel like going anywhere.”

“Come on, Emoman, it’s good for you.” He heaves me off the bed. “You should change, though, since it looks like you peed your pants.”

“It doesn’t! Just looks like I sprayed water over my front.” Eric keeps his solid stare.

“Fine, turn around.” I grab a new pair of pants from my drawer in one of Eric’s dressers. He has so many clothes that he couldn’t clear out more than one to hold my clothes.

His white eyebrows shoot upwards. “Whaaat? It’s not like I haven’t seen your junk before. You can’t seriously be shy about it now?”

“Turn around,” I say, insisting and change quickly when he turns his back to me with an exaggerated sigh.

The Box is full of boys playing a ring of Mercy. Josh is clearly the one holding the bets where he hovers over the participants with a small notebook in hand.

“The testosterone in here is making me all hot and horny,” Eric leers.

“Shut up,” one of the guys, Mark, grunts just before both his wrists bend and slam against the table.

“Way to go, Eric, keep distracting them. I’ve got twenty on Chester,” says Josh.

Eric snakes a hand around my waist. “Well, if you homophobes are so easily distracted, I could always make out with Adam.”

“No thanks,” I mumble and remove his hand.

“He’s a little shy,” Eric whispers to the boys with a wink.

Two more guys are out so it’s only three guys left with Chester in the middle battling each with both his hands.

“I bet he’s not so shy when you’re alone. I mean, you’re both fags, right?” Josh asks with no hint of malice in his voice, only casual indifference as he watches the quiet battle.

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“Well, I’m more of a peacock and he’s more of a duck. Not exactly the best match, but you know, we’re both guys.” Eric rubs his arm after my firm elbow shot at being called a duck. “See, I’ll never understand how you guys can stand being with girls.

I mean, they let you do it, what, once a week? Wouldn’t it be better to have a partner who actually
wants
to have sex once a day minimum?”

A fierce battle cry erupts from Chester’s throat as he slams both his opponents’ wrists on the table. Both cry out and rub their wrists once Chester lets go. But what has me standing shock-still is Chester’s glare of hatred when our eyes meet and I don’t think it’s hatred because we’re gay, because he’s been friendly enough with Eric knowing full well the guy’s gay.

No way.

No one other than Eric seems to see it because the others are cheering, groaning, and exchanging money.

No way.
Chester is Eric’s sex partner? I never would have guessed. What I don’t get is Eric’s smirk when Chester’s eyes meet his. Eric may be a flamboyant cock tease, but he’s not intentionally mean. Is he using me as a pawn in some game against Chester?

“I’m going back,” I mumble, only to turn around and stare right into Jesse’s angry glare.

Oh man, now Jesse also thinks that Eric and I are doing it. He was insecure about the two of us before, but now he’ll never let it go. That is, he
will
never let it go if he gets his head screwed on right and we get back together.

Instead of returning to Eric’s room I head out the front door.

Eric’s right; fresh air does feel good, especially when your mind is spinning like a unicycle. I walk to the back of the house, to a corner where I can be free from the glare of windows.

I know Jesse’s right there behind me. Not because I heard the door closing a second time – it only closed once – but because there’s this tension in my body, this primal need to back up a few paces to be near him. His draw is so strong that my hands start A Life Without You
173

shaking in my attempt to resist it.

“So, you and he are fucking now?” Jesse says.

“No, we’re not.”

The grass just keeps getting greener. The final exams start next week, which means it’s almost summer. The sun in the clear sky is so hot that I want to find a nice shade, but I can’t get myself to move.

“Whatever,” Jesse mumbles. It’s hard to make out if he’s angry, resigned, or being sarcastic.

What will happen once the exams are over? Jesse will go back to his parents’ farm – back to
her
. I will try to find a job somewhere and rent a cheap place to sleep. I don’t really care where I go or what job I’ll do. Factory work, bartending, office work, street sweeping, it really doesn’t matter anymore. It’s only a summer job, after all.

The door opens and closes but I don’t care if anyone hears.

Nothing really matters anymore.

“Why are you here?” I ask, still focusing on the bright green grass and leafy trees that ideally look so pretty against the bright blue sky but I can’t seem to appreciate at the moment.

Jesse’s voice is steady while he speaks, but there’s a firm tone behind it. “You infected me with an STD, Adam. Anne just called after going to the doctor’s.”

Of all the reasons he might be out here with me, this definitely wasn’t the one I was expecting. It’s enough to make me turn around and face him.

“An STD? I don’t have an STD.”

Then I see Eric leaning against the house.

“You!” – I point at Eric – “Why the fuck did you imply that you and I are having sex?”

Eric shrugs and pushes himself away from the wall. “We’re both single, so what difference does it make?” Difference? Jesse thinks that Eric and I are having sex and
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it makes a whole lot of difference to me. Not that it changes anything between Jesse and me. God, why can’t I just let go?

“Well, I don’t want people thinking we’re having sex because you have the worst taste in men. I don’t want to be pulled down to their level, okay?”

Eric laughs. “You’re still on about David Boreanaz? Seriously, most gay men adore him. The fact that you don’t makes me second-guess your gayness.”

“I’m not joking, Eric. I’m talking about you and –”

“Stop. Stop right there. Mine doesn’t want to be outed.”

“Well, mine didn’t either.” I gesture at Jesse who keeps snapping his eyes back and forth between Eric and me.

“Yours brought it down on himself. Besides, I haven’t outed him. If you’re talking about Benji and the guys, then I haven’t told them a thing. If others have noticed then it’s not my fault you two were being so blindingly obvious.”

“We weren’t,” I say between clenched teeth. “You were eavesdropping.”

“It was a good thing I was or you probably would have gone and killed yourself.” He glances at Jesse who looks both hurt and taken aback. “But what’s this shit about an STD? Didn’t you use a condom with that girl?”

“Yeah, I did,” Jesse replies, keeping his glare firmly planted on Eric’s casual posture. “But they’re not 100% safe.”

“Well,” Eric continues. “What type is it?”

“The condom?” Jesse asks.

“The STD, you idiot,” says Eric.

It occurs to me just now that Eric’s probably here to give me moral support. Or to protect me from Jesse and all I do is throw shit at him. But then again he might just be here because he’s bored.

Jesse peers down at a piece of paper. “Syphilis. I’m supposed to have all my partners notified and tell them to get tested. Of A Life Without You
175

course I told Anne I hadn’t had any other partners, so you’ll just have to get tested without bringing up my name, okay? But I guess you’ll need to mark Eric down as one of your partners.” Now he looks at me.

“Jesse, I don’t have syphilis. I don’t have an STD, so she must have infected you.”

Jesse thins his mouth and crumples his paper when he balls his hands into fists. “The symptoms don’t always appear right away, okay? They haven’t for me yet, but I’m not going to wait so I’m getting tested tomorrow. And there’s no way Anne could have infected me because she hasn’t been with anyone else, so that only leaves you.

I don’t have the urge to throw myself into his arms anymore.

In fact, I want to get away from him as fast as possible. How can he accuse me of this so easily without even considering the possibility of Chirpy being unfaithful to him?

“You really think I infected you with an STD?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, it’s been lovely, but I’m bored now,” Eric says with a shrug. “Unless STDs can be transmitted through glares and emo aura I won’t have to get tested.”

Eric turns around the corner and soon after I hear the door click closed.

Jesse loosens his fists and shoves a hand into his pocket. He’s still got his eyes focused on the corner of the house. “I’m going tomorrow.” His voice, along with his facial features, softens.

“You should come with me.”

It scares me how I still want to put some distance between us. His body, his hands, his eyes as he turns his head and locks gazes with me don’t draw me in the way they used to. I hate to think about what that could mean because I
know
I’m still in love with him.

“Look, I did not give you any God damned STD. I’m not getting tested, okay? We both got tested back in January and I
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didn’t have anything then. Do you think I slept around while I was seeing you? How could I possibly have with all the fucking we did?” I don’t mean to sound so angry. Jesse’s mouth parts and for a moment he looks so sweet and innocent like he used to. It makes my heart twinge.

I don’t
want
to go with him to get tested. It means I’d have to spend some time with him and I’m not ready for that. But I suppose that other than my confusion about my feelings towards him is the fact that he has absolutely confirmed he
did
have sex with her and it makes my stomach turn. My lover had sex with another person and no begging on my account could have stopped it.

“Adam.” His voice is so soft that I close my eyes to keep the rush of memories away. Of him whispering my name, moaning it, crying it out in ecstasy.

I can hear the rustling of grass as he moves closer. I feel the movement of air just before his soft fingertips touch my face. It would be so easy to forget about everything and drown myself in him once again.

“I haven’t had sex with anyone since you,” I whisper. I hate that there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I’m turning back into the whiny-guy and I can’t stand being like that in front of Jesse. It’s not me. Or maybe it is. Maybe I’ve always been this sensitive deep down but never cared enough about anything to reveal it. After all, Jesse – if what he said is true – is the first and only person to ever love me since the day I was born. “I should already be having some symptoms by now if I had syphilis, don’t you think?” I open my eyes and look into Jesse’s beautiful, tawny ones. He, too, looks pained. It’s so hard to be angry with him when he looks like that. It’s so hard to push him away. “You saw my cock every single day for weeks. Did you see any sores?” I shudder as he runs his fingers down my cheek and over my parted lips. We stay like that for a long time and all I can taste is the still air between us and the salty moisture of my tears on his fingers.

“Adam,” Jesse whispers again, his lips moving closer to mine.

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I find myself bending downwards to be even closer. His lips hover over mine and for a moment we’re breathing the same sweet air. It’s been so long since I kissed those lips. “I’m sorry I was angry. I came down to talk to you about this, but then I heard what Eric said and…” His other hand goes around my waist and grabs a handful of my shirt. “I just can’t stand the idea of you being with anyone other than me.”

Jesse stays still. He’s waiting for me to kiss him.

My whole body feels weak, my knees, my hands, my heart, my head. I need him so badly. I need him to
breathe
. He is my drug, my addiction, my obsession.

Knowing what that does to me I barely manage to push myself away. I wipe my face with my sleeves before looking back down at Jesse. The disappointment and pain on his face makes me want to grab him and squeeze him tight against my chest. But if I give in now, everything Eric and I have worked for will be for nothing. Things will remain the same between Jesse and me. He will still have a girlfriend and he will still hide the fact that he and I are together. Honestly though? I would be content if he just dumped Anne. My voice comes in a whisper when I finally find it. “You have no right anymore, Jesse. If I want to see other guys, you have no right to ask me not to. You lost that privilege when you chose her over me.”

There I’ve gone and slapped him across the face with my words again, but I have to remain strong for myself. I can’t live with things if they stay the same. I can’t be on the side – I have to be his one and only.

Before Jesse can tempt me again with his words, touch, or presence, I leave.