Boxed Set:Taming the Rocker - Vol. 1-5 (14 page)

I knew these girls too well.
I sat on my bed and looked over at my phone. The selfie of Lila and me was still on the cover.

“God damn…I miss you.” I almost didn’t recognize my voice. It was all anguish. I knew nothing would make me forget her. She was my one chance. And I fucked that up. Blew it because I acted stupid.
Ava, why’d you have to open that fuck-hole of a mouth?

But I couldn’t blame Ava. I had to face facts…I was to blame. I texted her again as I sat there. She didn’t respond. I thought about what I needed to do. I had to stop being such a sourpuss and go after her. I had to find her, pursue her, and apologize. It was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t begin to mend until I did.

I stared at my phone and said, “I’ll find you. You’ll see. You have to see. I’ll tell you how sorry I am, how much I love you.”

I fell asleep after that in a haze of booze. For the first time in a long while, I had a goal. Somehow, no matter what it took, I was going to get Lila back. 

Lila

Things with Alec were amazing so far. We had some great times. With each date, we grew even closer. I didn't know if it was real love, but damn…it felt so good to be with someone again. Alec offered me something new that felt so right. We had a very strong and wholesome relationship. My father and his family were thrilled to say the least.

However, I still felt like something was missing all the time. There were lots of things I wanted to change in my life. Something caused me worry and pain like no other. I didn't know what it was.

Chase never left my thoughts. It drove me nuts. The problem was this; no matter how much I tried to shake him off, I knew that I couldn't completely do it. I worried about it all the time. I tried to stop and focus on everything else but there he was. I was happy with Alec but felt horrible about Chase ruling my thoughts.

I just wanted to forget him.

Dates with Alec were a lot of fun. My Dad hadn’t been this happy since before my Mom passed away, and that had been a while ago. I hadn’t heard the grumbling sigh in forever. I knew my Dad loved seeing me with Alec. After all, he was my Dad’s chosen one. Both Alec and my father being there for me made things seem a bit more tolerable. I just couldn't shake this feeling that something was wrong. It continued to eat at me with each passing day.

I was never truly happy. I just didn't realize it until it was too late. The last time I was really happy was when I was with Chase. But, that was so long time ago and I couldn't imagine forgiving him for what he did. His actions were uncalled for and sickened me. I still thought he ruined everything in our relationship. I still had nightmares over what he did with that bitch Ava. I couldn’t shake it.

Did I want him to do those things to me?

I didn't know for sure. Maybe he went through a phase. Would he go through it again? How could I be sure he wouldn’t? Deep down, I was sure he wanted kinky things like that. I was convinced that he wanted to treat women like some toy or something. I didn’t want that. I could never put up with that. But what if I was wrong?

I had just gotten home from a date with Alec. He was such a perfect guy.
Who knew?
I never imagined he would make me happy this way. I loved him, and he loved me. I had no idea what I was in for that night.

I opened my door in order to change and go shopping for supplies. After I changed out of my dress, I walked out to the living room. Natalie was there. When she saw me, she grinned politely and asked, “Did you have fun?"

“Yeah," I replied immediately.

When I told her about what had happened with Chase and then the decision to be with Alec, she wasn't happy at all. What else was I supposed to do? She wanted me to be with Chase. When I told her that I couldn't be with a man like that, I knew she understood in some ways. I also knew she thought I was a prude. She’d had her fair share of bad apples. Sometimes, it seemed like she understood when a man fucked up. But she still wanted Chase in my life. That made me feel guilty when I was around her. She’d never liked Alec and didn’t care if he was the man that my Dad chose for me. I think that was part of why she didn’t like him.

"Good. You heading out to the store?" She asked.

"Yeah. Just to get a few things," I replied.

"Okay. Be safe."

I nodded politely and left her sitting on the couch. Since it was a college area, I didn’t have to worry about creepers around here. Besides, security was driving by every once in a while. As I walked, though, I felt odd like there was a presence nearby. I frowned and looked around, but didn’t see anyone. I thought it might have been some hobo or something. After all, the streets were pitch-black. I decided to just let it go and continued to walk.

I was right next to the park where I met up with Chase. I suddenly wanted to be with him so badly it hurt. I stopped dead in my tracks. With heaviness in my heart, I looked toward the park and realized all over again that I would still be with him if he hadn’t needed some twisted version of sex.

But why did he need that? Was it his lifestyle? That bitch…Ava?

I momentarily forgot about my supplies and did a bit of exploring. For reasons I didn’t want to explore, I went over to the swing set and sat down on one. The useless motion of swinging felt nice. It allowed me to think about what to do next. I wanted to stay here, but I remembered I needed to pick up supplies.

Suddenly, the earlier presence felt much closer. I twisted in the swing and almost yelped. My heart jumped in my throat as adrenaline hit. There was a man sitting nearby and staring at me. My mouth opened and a puff of air escaped before my breath caught. Excitement, dismay, and fear rooted me to the spot. It was Chase.

But this wasn’t the calm and collected Chase. He seemed very different. There was a brooding air about him even though his eyes lit up when he saw me. There was just enough moonlight for me to see how haggard he looked. I swallowed hard. I didn’t want anything to do with him. I knew what was about to happen. My heart was leaping with joy, but my brain was nowhere ready to forgive him.

Chase

My tour ended a couple of days ago and I finally got the courage to leave go see Lila. Touring was the same…I got to let off steam both normally and sexually. It didn’t help me forget her. I wanted her so badly that my whole body ached constantly. Nothing helped, not even alcohol.

The problem was that I didn’t know how to go about getting her back. After trying to reach her with no response, I really didn’t know what to do for a long time. I stayed away to give her space. That almost drove me crazy. She had to know how I felt, but she didn’t respond to me. For a long time, booze replaced her as my lover.

By the end of the tour, I knew I had to speak to her. I needed to convince her that I really loved her. I couldn’t live without her. Would she give me a second chance? I didn’t care how long it took. My future depended on getting her back. I needed to set things right.

After our last tour in Germany, I talked to the manager and asked about getting a break for a little while. He could see the desperation on my face and knew I was going downhill fast. He immediately agreed and gave me two weeks to figure out what to do. It was a very small time-frame and I knew things could go to hell. I just knew that I couldn’t keep going on like that without seeing her.

After he agreed, I packed everything and left. In my mind, I wasn’t coming back until she was with me. My determination was at an all-time high. I had a goal again and it felt good, but I was still worried.

The plane took off. I was back in Chicago within hours. I didn’t waste any time. While we were still in the air, I had decided against tracking her down. That was the best thing to do at this point. I knew where she lived. I just didn’t want her thinking of me as a stalker and I didn’t want to make a scene. I wanted to win her back the right way, not by showing up uninvited at her apartment. I didn’t mind begging for forgiveness, but I didn’t want her roommate involved. I didn’t know if that girl was still around, but I remembered her attitude from the first time we’d met. I didn’t need that noise.

That’s why I went to the second best location. I went to the park where we first met and where she realized she wanted to be with me. I didn’t know where else to go. The park seemed like the best place to think and was close to the college. Maybe I’d see her. At this point, hope was better than nothing.

I sat there and stared at the swing, remembering our date all over again. I couldn’t believe my eyes when she appeared. At first I thought I was hallucinating, but I wasn’t drunk. When she looked over and saw me, I would swear I saw excitement. Then fear replaced it. She looked really nervous. I just hoped we could talk to each other without hurtful words.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice was gruff, not nice like in the past.
Has she changed? Oh, shit.

“I just came to enjoy the night air. What about you?” I used the voice she had loved so much…soft with a certain pitch. I only hoped she would respond to me and not start screaming at me.

“Same here. But why are you here? Didn’t I already tell you that we’re through?” Her tone was pretty harsh.
Please don’t shut me out.

“I wanted to talk to you about that. Listen, Lila, I fucked up. I was stupid for letting you go. I’ve been stupid in a lot of ways. You’re so damn beautiful and smart. And strong. I know I could never live up to what you want.” Shit! This is not going good. “I fucked up, Lila. I really need us to talk about this.”

The response I received cut through my heart and mind like glass.

“I’m not interested. Goodbye.”

Lila

What the hell? Seriously, Chase?

Why did he come here and torment me like this? I mean, he fucked up! And I was just beginning to heal. I started to move away. The park was suddenly flooded with moonlight, showing the hurt and pleading look on his face. I knew he wanted me to stay, but I just couldn’t. I had to run while I could.

“I have school first thing tomorrow. I have to get up early. I don’t want to spend the night talking. Besides, we did a lot of talking the last time we saw each other.” My tone was ice cold and flat.

I knew I sounded really harsh, but I had to make him understand. I couldn’t be with someone that I would wonder when they would let me down and someone that had his awful past. 

I can’t take this. I have to get away from him.

I quickly walked away, trying not to break into a run. I swore I felt the sadness radiating from him. I muttered to myself, “I don’t give a damn.”

I knew walking away and never looking back was what both of us needed. Anything else would just lead him on. I couldn’t have that, not now. He needed to leave me alone. I didn’t want him anymore.

Yet, as I went to the grocery store and paid for my supplies, my mind kept wandering to the way he looked and sounded. I hated how I felt. My stomach was a sour ball of nerves over leaving him there. I knew forgetting about him would be hard. I just needed to continue with my life.

A lingering thought started eating away at me as I gathered the rest of my groceries. It was a thought that I didn’t expect to ever have.

Maybe I should have stayed.

Chase

I wanted to keep talking. I needed her to stay. But she got up and walked away without even a glance back. It was hard not to run after her and stop her. Judging by her expression, that wouldn’t help either of us.

Shit! Why didn’t I tell her that I loved her with all my heart? Why didn’t I tell her that nothing was the same without her?

I sat by the swings and watched the one she’d sat in slowly moving. I didn’t dare stop it. She’d set it in motion, just like my heart. Part of me wanted to cry. I knew tears were no use. I had to let her go for now. It was the hardest thing to watch the swing move ever-so-slowly. I knew it would soon stop, just like we had. I hated sitting there watching it. I felt like we were stopping all over again.
I have to try again another day. I can’t let us stop. Fuck that Goddamn swing.

I kicked it to set it in motion again. The chains jangled and the seat went all wacky. It looked angry, just like she had. My eyes widened. She might have sounded cold and calm, but she was really just angry. I realized that she was trying to be a bitch to me on purpose.
Lila isn’t usually a bitch. She’s covering her own hurt. Sure, she could be abrasive at times, but never that bitchy.
Thinking back, I remembered her tone changing before she’d walked away. She’s got a lot of pent-up pain. More than ever, I knew we needed to talk.

I went back to my hotel and thought about it. Even though it didn’t go according to plan, I still felt better after seeing her. She looked really tired and stressed before she even saw me. She never looked that way while we were dating. It had to be something else. Why did she choose the swings to get some fresh air? I didn’t know if I was building up something from hope or not. I wanted to know what was up. That would require dragging up crap that might just create even more tension than before.

Still, as I sat in my hotel room I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Hope and pain, back and forth, drove me crazy for a bit.
Shit…if this is what being in love is like…it’s fucked up!