Boy in a Band (A Morgan Mallory story) (46 page)

“Worried about the babies?” he asked.

“No, not really. I know Gayle is totally capable.” 

When I heard Mathew and Roxanne had arrived
, I took Ryan’s hand.

             
“Come on,” I said, excited to see them and to meet Roxanne.

Walking towards them
, Mathew caught sight of me. He smiled, holding my gaze. I was surprised, and then not so, when he gave me the head-to-toe checkout. I laughed really hard inside, to myself.
Good god, Mathew, some things would never change.
When we reached them, Mathew put out his hand to Ryan shaking his hand and then gave me a hug.

“Morgan
,” he said and held me longer than normal.

             
He rocked me slightly as Roxanne waited. I looked into her face; she was beautiful, with a very warm smile. I could feel the sting in my nose. Mathew pulled away and yet held my hand.

             
“Roxanne, this is Morgan,” he introduced us smiling.

             
“Nice to meet you,” she said with a bit of a southern drawl. “Mathew has talked about you so much.”

             
“And Ryan, her husband,” Mathew said dropping my hand and patting Ryan on the back.

             
“Congratulations,” Ryan said leaning in to give Roxanne a quick hug.

Well, that went well
I thought. I looked at Mathew. Knowing him, he wouldn’t tell her too much. I knew he wanted her to be okay with me. We talked a few more minutes before they were pulled away by someone else for congratulations. I watched as he greeted the next guests,
working the crowd, something he always was able to do well
.

Chapter 51

“Let’s get a table
,” Ryan suggested pulling me to him. “I thought he might not let you go.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” I said slapping him
good-humoredly.

“I
t’s always nice to see men admire you, when I know you’re mine.”

“Damn right,” I said.

              It was a sit-down dinner, and Ryan and I socialized with the people at our table while it was served. Ryan pulled out pictures of the kids. He was so obviously proud and the butterflies took flight inside me, swooping and swerving
.
The first dance came, and after that, Mathew sang a song to Roxanne. I flashed back to his playing for me over the years.
We’re just two lost souls, swimming in a fishbowl year after year.
And then I could hear “Best of my Love”.

             
“Let’s dance,” Ryan suggested.

             
We made our way to the dance floor and danced several songs, most of them fast, one slow. I wondered if Mathew had ever finished the song he started about me. I would catch glimpses of Mathew and then Mathew and Roxanne. I was happy for them, but my mind couldn’t help jumping back in time. Ryan seemed content to let me dance with other friends; he even got some of the older ladies out whose husbands refused to dance. I was enjoying myself. Leaving the dance floor after a dance with Bobby, someone grasped my hand. I turned around smiling, thinking it was Ryan.

“My turn
,” Mathew said, pulling me to him.

             
It was a slow dance, and he led me around the dance floor.

             
“I’m happy for you. She seems like a wonderful girl,” I said.

             
“She is, you’ll like her,” he grinned. “Ryan working out okay?”

             
I stared into his blue eyes.

             
“He’s great. I can’t believe it’s been five years already and two babies.”

             
“I wish I could see them, I love babies,” he said. “You like being a mom?”

             
I saw him sitting on the grass at Vasona Park, the day he asked me if I wanted kids. I didn’t know he loved babies; we’d only touched on it that one time.

             
“I do. It’s hard work, but it’s all good. Ryan’s a great dad and lots of help.”

             
He looked into my eyes searching and what I saw sent a tingle down my spine. Just a hint of the old Mathew, the one who could send me. I glanced quickly at his lips, then back to his eyes, and realized I’d maybe had too much wine. He grinned.

             
“You look great, Morgan. If I wasn’t married—” he stopped and we both laughed.

When the song stopped t
he band went right into a fast song. Mathew took my hand, walking us out onto the deck as the sun was starting to set. Bobby followed, joining us. The three of us caught up and laughed about old times. I envisioned us by the bonfire on the beach, “come” he’d yelled. As much as I loved Ryan I was still feeling the memories, Mathew had been such a big part of my life.

“Can I get anyone another
,” Bobby asked, holding up his empty glass.

              “Sure. Chardonnay,” I answered. “I’ll finish this by the time you get back.”

              “I’m okay,” Mathew said.

             
Bobby left, headed for the bar. We stood alone, suddenly seemingly out of words. I glanced over at him, searching for something to break the silence when he spoke. He was looking out towards the view taking in the beauty of the sunset. I felt like he wanted to say something.

             
“Morgan, you told me the day you got married that I never loved you. I said you were wrong, but I didn’t say how wrong.”

             
I watched his jaw tighten slightly as I waited for him to finish. He put his hands on the railing and leaned forward and then stood up again.

             
“I think I always loved you,” he said, turning toward me, staring into my eyes. “I just thought there was more.”

             
I blinked hard and looked away from him, staring out at the sun sinking in the sky. I felt my heart rise up into my throat. I took a sip of my wine, hoping it would push it back down. I thought carefully about his words.

“Why?” I asked softly.

              “Because I thought you should know.”

He understood my question
.
Why now? Why tell me now?
I pictured him on the beach,
us
on the beach. I saw him leaning against the wall in the airport, smiling. I pictured us at the park by the elementary school. I could see us at Jack’s, saw us at the Hyatt. It was like a fast rewind in my head.
Love
had never been mentioned.
Why had he never said it?
“Did it make you sad?” Ryan had asked. This made me sad. I swallowed hard again and hoped my voice wouldn’t give away my emotion.

“Mathew
, I hope you found it,” I said, motioning with my head toward Roxanne.

She
was getting her picture taken on a lower deck, looking beautiful in her white dress, her blonde hair falling about her shoulders. The light was behind her, creating a halo around her. The beading on her dress caught the light from the setting sun and reflected a rainbow of pinks.

             
“I truly mean it,” I said, putting my arm around his waist and giving him a hug. “I hope you’re finished with searching for more.”

             
I looked back into his eyes. He smiled a little sadly.

“It’s why I didn’t come
to San Jose when you wanted to try; why I couldn’t come. I love too hard. Someone giving me their whole heart was a requirement,” I said.

             
Ryan walked up and looked out at the sunset.

             
“Am I interrupting anything?” he asked, noting we were talking very quietly.

             
I had to smile. There was not a jealous bone in his body until it came to Mathew. It was my same feelings about his first love.

             
“Not at all,” Mathew said.

             
Ryan watched as Mathew put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him for a hug.

             
“Morgan and I were admiring the sunset and my new bride.”

             
Ryan glanced down at Roxanne on the lower deck.

             
“Both are beautiful,” Ryan said.

             
“I appreciate you guys coming. How are the kids?” Mathew switched gears and dropped his arm.

             
“Good. They’re with Gayle at the hotel,” I answered.

             
Ryan was leaning on the railing looking at the commotion below.

             
“How is Gayle?” Mathew asked winking at me, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“She’s
doing really well.”

             
“Still angry at men?” he teased.

             
“Stop,” I laughed.

             
Ryan turned back to look at Mathew.

“You know she’s gay
, right?” Ryan asked.

             
“Exactly what I mean,” Mathew said, joking.

             
Ryan and he laughed.

             
“Matt,” Roxanne called from below.

             
I looked down, and she was motioning for him to come.

             
“Be right there,” he said and headed for the stairs.

             
We watched him walk down to Roxanne. He took her in his arms and kissed her passionately. The photographer started placing them for more photos.

             
“She’s pretty, but not as pretty as you,” Ryan said, leaning into me, wrapping his arm around me.

             
“You’re biased,” I teased. “Good response however.”

             
Mathew’s words ran around inside my head: “I think I always loved you. I just thought there was more.”
More. More girls
is what he’d meant; the part that scared me. He did understand me better than I thought. He was admitting to something that I had known.

              When we said goodbye to Mathew and Roxanne, we promised to stay in touch. Later at the hotel, I slipped into the room Gayle was sharing with the kids to kiss them.

             
“How was it?” she asked sleepily.

             
“The wedding was beautiful. They were beautiful, very classy,” I whispered.

             
“And Mathew?”

             
I sat down on the edge of her bed.

             
“It was great to see him. He still looks good enough to eat, in a tux no less, wow,” I said.

             
She yawned.

             
“He asked if you were still angry with men.”

             
“Did you tell him, just him,” she said calmly.

             
“Ryan reminded him that you prefer women.”

             
“You know I’m not mad at him. I hope he knows that,” she said quietly.

             
“You just called him on his shit, unlike me.”

I paused.
Tommy made a little whimper in his sleep and we both look at the bed where he slept. He was still, his sweet face raised up on the pillow, his lips moving just slightly.

“So cute,” Gayle whispered.

I was dying to tell her. I couldn’t tell Ryan, at least not tonight.

“
Mathew told me he did love me.”

“Loved you?”
Gayle asked sitting upright in the bed, glaring at me in the dark.

I could hear the disbelief in her voice. Similar to my own reaction.

“He did not?” she whispered, leaning toward me.

“Yeah
,” I said quietly. “He did.”

I could see his eyes, saw his seriousness, felt his touch.

              “What’s the point of that?” she asked.

             
“He said he wanted me to know. I suppose he was trying to be kind. I never thought he did; maybe he wanted to clear that doubt for me once and for all.”

             
“How did it make you feel?” she asked as she lay back down in the bed.

             
“Ah,” I said, rubbing the corner of my eyes. “Sad.”

             
I couldn’t back down my feelings as tears welled in my eyes. I was glad it was dark, but when I spoke again, my voice cracked. Gayle sat up again and looked closely into my face.              

“Then I have to remind myself that if things had gone differently
, I wouldn’t have this,” I said, sweeping my arm across the room. “I wouldn’t have Ryan and the kids.”

             
Ryan came into the room and I took a deep breath. He sat on the bed next to me and rubbed my back. Gayle reached for me hugging me to her, drying my eyes with her shoulder. It was dark, and he couldn’t see the hint of tears.

             
“You girls are going to wake the kids,” he whispered.

             
“We’re whispering,” I said.

             
“Come on, Morgan, you two can chat more in the light of day,” he said as he took my hand, pulling me up.

             
I smiled at her weakly from the doorway.

             
“Night, Gayle,” I said as he led me into our room.

             
When I curled into Ryan after we’d made love I felt at peace with the world, Mathew and I had ended up exactly where we were supposed to be.