Breaking Down Sydney (Sydney West #2) (12 page)

Chapter Nineteen

When I arrived back to campus, I threw myself into school and work. I didn’t answer phone calls and I didn’t want to see a living soul, including my beloved Jason. I was on lockdown. All my walls were up. Not even the U.S. Army could get them to crumble. Amelia tried to talk to me, but I ignored her. Maybe my life would be better if I was alone because then no one could die on me.

There was a party at an apartment near campus. It sounded like a great place to drink and dance away my problems. I dressed in a tight blue dress with matching heels. Not a soul knew I was going. That was how I planned it.

As soon as I stepped into the house, the music became my heartbeat. The tempo was pounding, hammering into my ear drums. The beast within me wanted to come out. She craved alcohol. I headed to a small table in the back. The drinks were on a foldout table. Red plastic cups littered the floor. There was one on the table. It appeared clean enough. I poured myself some vodka and went to the dance floor. My hips swayed to the beat as I held my cup above my head proudly.

A man with barbed wire tattoos and an eyebrow piercing came my way. He cupped my hips with his beefy hands. I shoved him away. He smiled, grabbing my wrist.

“I like girls who fight.”

I kneed him in the balls. He bent forward, holding his family jewels and releasing my arm.

“I’m the type of girl who wins.”

“You fucking bitch,” he spat, stumbling in my direction.

“Yeah, so I’ve been told,” I replied, looking down at my fingernails before leaving that bastard behind.

I looked around the party and didn’t feel the vibe. Guys looked me over like I was a sweet treat, and all I felt was disgust. The music didn’t make me want to dance. The alcohol wasn’t making me numb. It kind of tasted watered down. The old me would’ve found something to do, someone to play with, but all I wanted was to go home and lay in bed with Jason’s arms around me.

“A little birdy told me I’d find you here,” a voice said from behind me.

I turned around and was blinded by someone foolishly dancing around with a flashlight. A masculine hand moved a piece of hair behind my ear. “What are you doing, Syd?”

Silver eyes pierced into me, making my soul ache a little. “Jason?” I blinked a couple times. My vision grew hazy. The music that once made me dance was giving me a terrible headache. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged. “Looking for you.” He nodded toward the direction that bastard went. “I saw you knee that guy. You trying to pick fights?” he joked, giving me a once over.

I snorted. “Dude was a douchebag. That’s what happens when you touch me without my say so.” I leaned into Jason, smelling the mint on his breath. “You always have my permission.”

Jason chuckled. It came from deep in his throat, making things low inside me clench. “That so?” He looked around at the chaos. “You wanna get out of here?”

I wet my lips and closed my eyes. The party scene felt wrong. I had no idea why I preferred to be alone. Nothing the old me enjoyed was fun anymore.

“Yes, please. I don’t even know why I came. There’s something wrong with me. I’m…lost.”

“You’re still in denial, Syd.” He pulled me into his embrace. “Let’s get you out of here.”

I nodded. We weaved in and out of the crowd until we were outside. The cool air stung my face. Jason took my key and opened the passenger side of my Charger.

As we pulled onto the road, I asked, “How did you get—”

“Amelia told me a few parties you might be at. She wanted to help but had to tutor someone, so Hunter drove me around. When I found you, I texted him,” Jason said, fiddling with the radio.

He picked a station playing a song by Evanescence. I watched buildings pass by and admired the reflection of the moon in Tempe Lake.

Jason stared out the windshield. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

“I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at my hands.

“Why did you go? I know you need distance, but you just took off. What if you got hurt? No one would know where you were and—”

I dug my nails into my palms. “I know. It was stupid and impulsive and something the old me would’ve done. But tonight…it wasn’t fun. The music hurt my head and the drinks sucked, but worst of all you weren’t there.”

He glanced at me, searching for an answer to a question only he knew. “Sydney, is this the last time you’re going to do this? I can’t take it anymore. I shouldn’t have to worry about where you are or if you’re okay. A relationship goes two ways, and at times I feel like I’m doing most of the work. If you don’t want to be with me—”

Fear struck me like an ice pick to the heart. I couldn’t lose Jason on top of my father. That would prove the old me right, and I wanted to get away from her.

“Jason, I’m sorry. I know I’m an idiot. You should be mad at me, I’m a fucking fool. But I do love you. I just do things without thinking. I’m a mess…” I hung my head, wishing I could disappear.

He shook his head, staring out the windshield a little too hard. “You’re not a mess, but I thought you were past all the partying. I thought that was something you did in California. I thought in Arizona you’d be different. More open, more…yourself.” Jason turned his head to give me a searching look, as if trying to figure me out.

I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Jason was wondering who I was. Hell,
I
was wondering who I was. Last year I’d say I was a part-time party girl who had her eye on the future. Now I had a dead father, a boyfriend who wondered where I stood, and my heart was all over the place.

Every part of me felt exhausted. I reclined the seat and raked my fingers through my long hair. “I’m tired of fighting. I know I’m a pain-in-the-ass and there are lots of girls who would kill to have you…”

I bit my tongue, remembering Amelia’s friends swooning over Jason at the mall. I’d be damned if he left me and dated one of those bubbleheads. It was hard to explain. I felt like I needed Jason and that feeling was foreign to me. For years I relied on only myself. No one could hurt me. I let my guard down, Jason stole my heart, and then my father died. I could never win.

Jason stopped at a red light. The scarlet glow filled the car. Jason ran a hand down his face and looked at me.

“What do you want, Sydney? I don’t want to move on. I came to Arizona to be with you. You have hard edges like I do, but we can work past them. I know you feel like you had some say in your father’s death. I thought it was my fault my father took off. I thought over every move I did to see if I pissed him off so much he wanted to leave me and my sister in the dust.” He paused for a moment, closing his eyes. “But it wasn’t on me. It’s not on you. It’s on them. They were shitty dads and they tried to fuck us up. We need to be stronger than them and move past it.”

I rubbed my eyes, trying to make them stop burning. “I want you. You have no idea how much I want you.”

Fear clawed at my heart, ripping the already broken pieces into ribbons. This right now was what terrified me most—finding someone to love and having them taken away. Jason was my glue. Without him, I’d only be partly alive, partly human.

You need to stop fighting him. He cares about you.

The voice in my head always knew when to bother me, but was there a future for us? He was sweet, caring, and romantic. I was mean, cold, and lost. I couldn’t see how that could work out in the long run.

He saw your scars and didn’t run away. Instead, he followed you to Arizona!

I turned my head to look out the window. Since I was lying down, I had the perfect view of the sky. We were away from the city now. The stars were wondrous. It was like someone took a handful of glitter and threw it up into the black canvas.

“You’re not alone. You may feel alone now, but I’m here for you. Sydney, I fucking love you. Don’t you know that by now?”

My head hurt as if an invisible hammer was hitting me. I wished we could start the semester over. I’d do research on what a good girlfriend should do.

“Jason, I love you. I know you love me. I’m trying to learn how to show you how much you mean to me, but I…” What could I say? Tell him I was sorry that love was hard for me to understand? That everyone always fell away from me when I touched them? He wouldn’t understand.

My body was jostled around. Jason moved the car from smooth asphalt to dirt and rocks. He pulled the car off the road and put it in park. This conversation was about to get serious.

He let out a breath through his nose. “Life is hard, and too damn short. I learned that the hard way. One of the greatest friends I had was shot three years ago. He died before help arrived. You know why he died?” He looked at me, but it felt like he was looking through me.

I shook my head.

“He was at a party. A local gang thought one of their rivals was inside the house so they drove by, shooting anyone they could. Timmy was shot in the chest and bled out before the cops arrived. No one helped him. They all ran for cover and then fled so the cops couldn’t question them. Timmy’s life ended in seconds. Over what?”

“I’m sorry…” What did you say to someone who had lost someone that way?

He continued on. “I learned in that moment I didn’t want to leave things undone or unsaid. I got my eagle wings tattoo after his funeral. I then got serious about what I wanted out of life and focused on my future. You see, I turned Timmy’s tragedy into a positive. He made a difference in my life, and I thank him daily.”

So that was the story behind the tattoo. He told me it was for a friend, but damn, that was a terrible end. I wanted to trace the ink on his back with my fingertips and make love to him, forcing us both to forget what we’ve lost. I shook my head. Why did I always think about sex?

“What does that have to do with me?” I dared to ask, hoping the urge to jump his bones would pass.

He ran a hand down his face, gathering his thoughts. “For a while, I went dark. I didn’t speak to anyone. I hated the whole world and I thought God was against me. First my shitty father took off and now my friend was dead. It wasn’t until my sister took me to church that I found the answers I was looking for.”

“Are you suggesting I find some faith? I may not attend church weekly, but I still believe in God.”

“What I meant was my sister was there for me when I needed someone. I want to be that person for you. I know you have Amelia, but I don’t know if she understands the dark current that we’re in. We’ve both lost someone close and we both have invisible scars from our crappy dads. It’s a part of us now.” He paused, collecting himself. “There’s also your mom, but it’s hard to connect to mothers sometimes. With you being an only child—”

I knew where he was going with that. He was going to point out I was pretty much alone and that wasn’t a good formula for someone spiraling out of control.

Anger licked through my veins as I sat the seat upright. “So you’re saying my lack of siblings is my problem? That my inner demons will win? Maybe I should go by the name of Hamlet.”

I opened the car door and stormed out. There was nowhere to go, just desert for miles. The moon was high, but it was only a crescent, not giving enough light to travel far.

The Charger’s headlights were all that kept me from tripping over myself or a rock. I walked to the edge of the cliff and stared down to the valley where tons of plants and animals were sleeping.

Jason slammed the car door shut, but he didn’t approach me right away. The night was cool. I hugged myself to try to keep from unraveling.

“The new moon is coming,” Jason said softly.

I looked up at the sky.

Is my father up there somewhere?

I snorted and kicked a pebble off the cliff. “You’re an astronomy major now?”

“Nah, can’t a guy admire the sky and all her gifts?”

There was no wind. The weather remained still, like me. Below my feet was the valley, deep and vast. I wondered what would happen if I jumped. Would I die or wish I was dead, bones shattered and broken?

Without realizing it, I was tilting forward, daring gravity to push me. Jason gathered me in his arms and took me away from the edge.

I rested my face on his shoulder. His arms slid around me. My arms hung at my sides like they were useless noodles. “You seem to make my heart a better place,” I muttered into his shoulder.

“What?” He pushed me away. I stared into his eyes, but I couldn’t repeat myself.

“Nothing…”

Before I could do or say anything, Jason grabbed my face, slamming his lips against mine as if he needed me to live. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Without hesitation, he lifted me up so I could snake my legs around his waist.

I stopped the kiss before we got too carried away and ended up falling off the cliff together. “Why did you bring us out to the desert?”

His pressed his forehead to mine. I touched his cheek, feeling him grin. “Why do you think?”

I moved my fingers through his hair. “I don’t know,” I whispered.