Breaking Elle (21 page)

“Elle?”

My knees tremble at the sound of the voice. I turn in the direction of the gazebo where Reed stands half hidden in the shadows, arms folded across his chest watching me. His expression changes from worry to surprise and he smiles.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, smiling sadly.

“This is my spot remember?”
How can I forget
? His eyes glimmer under the summer moon, his hair disheveled as if he just woke up. “Are you okay?” He pins me with his gaze.

“I... I just couldn’t sleep.”

He shrugs, steps towards me, and then stops short. “Were you crying?” I nod my head, fighting back the tears. “Elle?” He steps into the light.

“I can’t. I just–” I suck in the sweet summer air. “–can’t”.
But you came here hoping he would be here. You felt something that night; that’s why you came back. Don’t ignore this.
He exhales a loud sigh that raises the hairs on the back of my neck, making my body weak. Why does he affect me this way? I shake my head not knowing what to feel, concentrating on the light that falls on his face, his eyes lucid and clear.

But I do know what I want; I want him to make me forget, and I can’t deny it. My heartbeat accelerates, my body trembles in anticipation of feeling the heat between us. Part of me wants to run, but the other part wants to stay to see how everything plays out, if he feels what I’ve been feeling.

“Why is this so hard?” I question, gesturing between us, trying to find my voice.

“I can’t fight this anymore, Elle. I can’t.
“ He approaches, our bodies inches apart.

“I can’t do this. I don’t know if I can trust anymore.” I turn to go, but he grabs my hand and turns me to face him. My breath catches in my throat as he places his mouth over mine. His hand slowly traces my arm, pulling me into him. I lean forward and kiss him back. His eyes widen then his lips part, his mouth warm and firm against mine. He stares at me. I feel his warm breath and see his incredibly tender blue eyes.

“Can you truthfully say that you don’t feel this? That this attraction is all in my head? He whispers urgently. “Don’t think, tell me. Tell me what your heart wants to say and not what your head is trying to make you believe.” He holds his breath, cupping my cheek in his hand. “Yes?” he murmurs.

“Yes,” I whisper. He kisses me again, deep and hungry, and when he slowly pulls away, I open my eyes. As he gently pushes the hair away from my face, he says, “You’re so beautiful.” He holds me there for a minute, searching my face, his breath soft on my skin as he traces the line of my jaw with his finger. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to do that.”

“What happens now?” I choke, feeling an overwhelming feeling of confusion.

He wraps me in his arms, his heartbeat thudding against my cheek as he exhales deeply. He pulls me away to look in my eyes. “Let go. Be reckless. Don’t look back. We can have each other if you want it. You’ll never get a chance like this again.”

I gently pull away. “I can’t do this. Why can’t I do this?” I sob, feeling the tears wet my face as he grabs me and pulls me back against his chest, rocking me back and forth.

“What can’t you do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore or what I’m feeling,” I turn searching his face for answers. I feel this overwhelming sense of danger that’s he’s going to suck me into pure chaos and confusion. But for some reason I need him. He needs me. We need each other. “I wish I could tell you everything, but I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t want temporary happiness.”

“Elle, don’t be scared. I can give you what you want because I want that, too.” He pauses and takes my hand. “I didn’t do this to you. I only want to take it away. Let me take it away. Give me a chance.” His hands are shaking, and his expression is so intense that I have to look away. “I’m not going to force you. I needed to tell you how I feel, and now that you know, it’s up to you. I’ll leave it up to you. I’ll follow your lead.” He whispers, slowly releasing me from his hold to decide.

I have to try. Deep down this is what I want. If I don’t give it a chance, I could lose this. I’ve seen the pain that my mom has endured and now my own pain with Cane. I can’t let what’s happened in the past jeopardize something with him. The emotions I’m feeling for him are overwhelming, but I don’t know if I can stomach any more pain or loss in my life. Part of me wants to be with him, but the other part needs time to heal.

I look up at him, “Reed.”

“Elle, you have my word. I know you feel it, what I feel.” His eyes churn with emotion as he waits. Unable to respond, I simply nod as he kisses me on the forehead. “I will wait for you, and when you’re ready, I’ll be here.” He smiles, stepping away from me. I can no longer reach him. I can no longer see him.

“Wait, Reed, wait,” I whisper painfully. I bolt upright in my bed, tangled in my sheets, tightly gripping my pillow and my face flushed with sweat. My eyes burn from crying so many tears, my body tenses trying to remember the kiss, his words, before the dream completely fades from my memory. I’ve lost Cane and now dream of Reed. He’s so unpredictable, so not for me. Maybe what I need to do is step away for a little while and focus on me, on what I need and truly want. Tomorrow will be the beginning of something. It will be rough, but if I don’t find myself now, I’ll be lost forever.

What the hell was Cane thinking? How could he hurt her like that? The look on her face when she ran out made me want to punch something. She didn’t deserve that, and I was glad I wasn’t the one who had to tell her. She would have found out anyway. Evelyn has a big mouth, and it would have been all over the center soon enough. I know the deal with that shit and it doesn’t feel good to get caught
or
to get hurt. Nobody wins.

I walked by her house; I had to make sure she was okay. I wanted to see her. When I saw Cane on the porch, it looked like she was saying goodbye. She looked so sad, but so gorgeous. That was painful. This girl is fucking with my mind, and I haven’t even touched her the way I want to. This is torture. I wish I could talk to her, comfort her.
Cane, man, what the hell were you thinking?
You’re a good guy, but not too bright to risk losing Elle, and like
that.
I’d be damned if I’d fuck up with a woman like that.

I wave down the bartender for another beer, trying to drown my own problems. I lost big time at the casino. I’m in a bigger hole than when I started. Shit is starting to go in the wrong direction. My luck hasn’t been this bad for a long time. Things are getting bad fast and I don’t have a plan. I have nothing. My luck needs to change and in a hurry.

“Hey!” Luke bellows, slapping me on the shoulder, freeing me from my mental wrestling match.

“Luke, am I gonna have to carry your drunk ass out tonight?” I frown, glancing over my shoulder into his bloodshot eyes. Looking past him, I notice the amount of people inside the bar has doubled since we got here.

“Na,” he answers, his arm slung over a stunning redhead in a black dress. “Cindy will take care of me, right Cin?” She flashes me a sinful look before she responds to Luke. I don’t react.
Cin, I laugh. Ain’t that some shit.
I turn back to my beer and my problems.

Luke flips his head in the direction of Cindy’s friend who’s playing pool. Her short dress is gaining the attention of every guy in the room. She looks over, giving me more of a show. Most nights I’d be off my stool, putting on the moves, saying all the things she wants to hear to get what I want. She’s a hot little piece of ass, yet I feel nothing tonight. Not a damn thing. I shake my head and return to my drink.

My shit’s all messed up.
I finish my beer and order a shot from the bartender. Times like this I wish I had someone. Life can get lonely when you don’t have that
one
person. I miss that. But I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who’ll be able to deal with my baggage. My shit is too much for me sometimes, let alone someone I might care.

“Hey, handsome.”

I don’t respond. I wait for the bartender to place my shot in front of me. I slam it down and order another one before I turn around.

“Wanna play?”
I wince
when the sweet syrupy voice fills my ears.
Oh man, why the hell do chicks do that?

I smile at the tall, slender brunette while keeping my eyes steady and north of her neck.
Fuck!
Normally, I’d be all over a chick like this. I don’t know if it’s losing at the casino, or Elle that’s got me all wacked out.

“Depends on what you wanna play.” I relent with a tight smile.
I can’t do this tonight.
I down my shot letting the burn hit my gut.
What the hell?
I yell for the bartender, order a couple more shots, and hand one to my new friend nodding for her to join me.

“To bad luck.” I raise my glass, sarcastically.

“It can change tonight,” she coyly bites her lower lip. She clinks her glass with mine before throwing back the shot, gracefully placing the empty glass on the bar as her bracelets jingle. “Come on, let’s dance.” She grabs my hand and I get this feeling of déjà vu as she pushes through the crowd onto the dance floor.
This is how it all started last time.

“I can’t.” I drop her hand, anxiously rubbing my brow.

She spins to me, a playful smile spreading across her face. “Just one dance. I promise I’ll be gentle.” She bats her eyelashes as she grabs my arm with both hands. The alcohol runs through my veins. My eyes blur as I notice her red heels, my favorite color. “Your friend told me you don’t have a girlfriend.” She gives me her best bedroom eyes and all I do is think of Elle-
in my bedroom.

“I don’t.”
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.
“Just one song.” I reply, not wanting to be a jerk. I never thought I’d see the day where I would decline sex. Not since Campbell. But even with her, I didn’t feel
it.
Nothing like what I feel for Elle
.
I can’t stop thinking about her. I know what I want now. I can’t wait for this song to finish so I can get out of here.

“What are you doing after this?” She asks.

“Leaving.”

“There’s a party at my friends’ house.” She peeks at me through her long lashes. “Come with me.” I numbly look into her desperate eyes.

“No, I have to go.” I could feel the five beers and the shots kicking in. I look down at her pleading eyes and pouty lips, thinking I can have this girl the split second I get in my truck. We’d never make it to a damn party or even out of the parking lot.

“Are you sure? I’ll order you another beer, and then you can decide.” She smiles mischievously.

I shake my head. If I have another beer, I wouldn’t be able to keep from gazing down her dress. If I had another one after that, we’d probably go back to my place. I’d take off her clothes, we’d roll into my bed, and all with my eyes shut because I’d be picturing Elle.

Cane just left the door wide open for me, for anybody. He must be going out of his mind right now, losing her. I know I’d be. I’m not going to fuck up again. If I do something crazy again, I can kiss my only chance goodbye. I decline the brunette’s invitation and take a cab home alone. If I’m going to have any possibility with Elle then I need to change my ways little by little starting tonight.