Breathless (142 page)

I’d been rushing so I’d have time to take a hot shower before meeting everyone out, but my feet slowed the closer I got to my room. I wasn’t sure what felt more filled with lead, my feet or my heart.

I took a deep breath; as much air as my lungs could stand, and ran both hands through my hair as I walked the last few steps to the door. I hadn’t seen Dave in a month, and a year ago I would have been anxious and excited at the prospect. Three months ago, even. But, not today.

I knew tonight was going to hurt the shit out of Cade and I dreaded it. He was so open with his feelings and more and more, it was eating at me. My heart hurt every time I saw the adoration in his eyes and I was dying to tell him I was falling for him too. As much as I’d tried to fight it, I knew I wanted it as bad as he did, and that made it inevitable. He could have played the movie star role, so easily and brushed Dave aside to get what he wanted, but he didn’t. He was caring of other people’s feelings, and of mine, and that made him all the more special. He was genuine and real.

So now, tonight, I had the man who had loved me for more than four years, and the one who loved me without measure, in a way that felt fucking celestial; both of them, together in the same room. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to handle it. I didn’t know if I was a good enough actor to pull this shit off.

I dug in the back pocket of my jeans for the keycard to my room. I tried to steady myself and shoved it in the slot. The lights flashed and the lock clicked before I pushed open the door. Dave was laying on the big king bed, watching television. All I could think about was that the night prior, Cade and I were
practicing
on that very bed.

“Hey,” his face lit up and he jumped up from the bed. “There’s my girl! Happy birthday, Brook!” he said as his arms enfolded me warmly. I lifted my arms to loosely surround him as well, but my heart felt distant and involuntarily, I knew I was putting up a wall. My stomach lurched. I’d hoped that seeing David would vanquish the confusion I’d been having, but if anything, it only compounded it. And the guilt was huge.

“Thanks. How long have you been waiting?” I pulled out of his embrace and kicked off my shoes. I knew I sounded less than enthused as he moved to take me back into his arms and press a kiss to my mouth. I tried to respond but these were not the lips I wanted. I couldn’t help myself from comparing the two men. Cade was tall, with dark blonde hair and deep blue eyes, Dave was part Mexican with swarthier skin, dark hair, dark eyes and stocky. He was handsome, but couldn’t hold a candle to Cade.

I am so fucked.

My throat thickened as he moved his hands over my back and ass, like he’d done a million times. It was familiar, but now it was empty. His hands pressed me to him and I felt his erection pressing into my stomach.

“Forever. It’s been so long, Babe. Let’s do it before dinner.”

I pushed away from him. “How romantic. You just swept me off of my feet,” I said coldly. He didn’t deserve my hostility, but I suddenly didn’t want his hands on me, his mouth pressing me for kisses. His face fell a little and I regretted hurting him. None of this was his fault.

“I’m just really wiped out. I need to take a shower and get ready for dinner. The cast is taking us out.”

“Brook! You knew I was coming up here! Why do we have to go out with all of those people? You see them every goddamn day! If you’re tired, we should just stay in,” he said harshly.

I went to dig through my clothes and picked out jeans, a button-down shirt and clean underwear without saying anything. I knew whatever I said wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.

“Well?” Dave demanded.

“
Well
, these are my friends. They’ve become like my family. I’m isolated up here and we have all become pretty close. I want to spend time with them tonight. They’ve gone to all this trouble and this may be the only birthday I’ll ever get to celebrate with them. Don’t make a big deal out of it.” I shrugged.

“Who exactly has gone to the trouble, Brooklyn?” Dave’s perception was not something I felt up to dealing with right now. His dark hair fell haphazardly over his icy grey eyes and he pushed it back impatiently.

“The entire cast wants to celebrate with me.”

“Yeah, sure,” he said skeptically and I averted my eyes for fear he’d read the truth there. “I wanted to be alone. We haven’t had sex in months.”

“Guh!
Really?
Happy birthday, I see that you’re dead tired, but let’s fuck?” This was not new behavior. He’d always been direct about wanting sex, but this time it offended me. Something had changed. I knew what that something was, but I tried to push it back and to swallow the emotion rising up in my throat.

“That’s not what I meant. I miss you.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve missed you, too.” I gave him a quick hug. “We’ve got time later, but now I need to get ready or we’ll be late. I’m going to take a shower.” I turned and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I didn’t want him coming in there while I was naked in the shower and I didn’t want more interrogations either.

By the time I got into the shower, silent tears were falling down my face and I raised my face into the spray, trying to lose the tears in the rush of water raining down. How could things have changed so drastically in such a short time? My whole world had been turned upside down by a shock of golden hair, a set of amazing blue eyes and a disarming smile, but it was more than that. Cade touched me on a deeper level. He and I shared a connection that couldn’t be defined or articulated, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. Jesus, I was going to miss him. I closed my eyes as pain swept through me again. The guilt I felt for the man on the other side of the bathroom door wasn’t helping, yet, it felt if I let Dave touch me, I’d be cheating on Cade and I couldn’t do it. My heart twisted painfully in my chest.

Truthfully, I wished Dave would disappear and I could spend the evening alone in my room. I needed sleep and I wasn’t up for what I knew would follow. I didn’t want to deal with his confusion at my obvious distance, or to watch the pain that I knew I’d see on Cade’s beautiful face all evening. A huge part of me was hoping that he wouldn’t show tonight, that he would choose to stay away to protect himself, but I knew him better than that. He would be there for me, no matter how he felt himself. I leaned on the side of the shower and bowed my head as I struggled to pull it together.

***

While David and I were in the cab that took us to the sushi restaurant where Cade had arranged my party, he pulled me close and I leaned on his shoulder, seeking comfort and to ease at least part of the guilt that was killing me. Dave had been with me since the seventh grade and we’d always had an easy, no pressure relationship. Only now, I was feeling pressure big time, but it wasn’t because of anything he was doing.

“What did your family send you for your birthday?” I felt uncomfortable with the small talk and would have been content with the silence.

I inhaled and sat up, moving away from him slightly. “Um, my mom sent me some clothes and my dad and brother are going to visit later in the month. I hadn’t really thought about it, and I don’t need anything. There isn’t anything that I want,” I said absently, looking out the window as the lights of the city flashed their reflections on the glass. Vancouver was a lot like New York, bustling; the streets crowded, people walking everywhere, but on a lesser level.

“Well, I thought we could take a trip to Cabo when filming wraps. Would you like to do that?” He was holding my hand and it burned my flesh like acid. It was all I could do not to pull away from him.

“Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”

“Brook, what is with you tonight? I’m here with your
friends
, like you wanted, so what gives?” His sarcastic emphasis of the word made me want to smack him.

“I told you. I’m just really tired. We’re going twelve to fifteen hours a day and today we were outside the whole time. It was cold and it’s exhausting, Dave.”

“I’ll talk to Martin and tell him to take it easier on you, okay?” I rolled my eyes but he couldn’t see me since I was still looking out the window. Like he’d have one ounce of pull over Martin because he’d been a production assistant on one of his films.
Yeah, right
.

“No. Please don’t. I can fight my own battles. Besides, this is a job and the tight schedule is required to bring it in within budget and time deadlines. It’s not the first time I’ve been wiped out on set.”

We pulled up to the restaurant, and I was grateful we’d be be surrounded by others, and I’d be able to avoid the personal conversation. He knew me very well, and clearly realized something was bothering me. Pretty soon, he’d be asking more direct questions that I didn’t want to answer, but I didn’t want to lie either.

The rest of the cast was already there when we walked in and all the guys stood. My eyes searched for a certain beautiful face that was conspicuously missing, and Dave noticed. He glanced at me to gauge my reaction. Over the past couple of months, he’d accused me of spending too much time with Cade, and he was skeptical when I told him it was mostly for the film.

I pulled away from Dave’s hand and went around the table and hugged everyone. “Thanks for being here, you guys. It means a lot to me.”

“Hey, David,” Wendy said, and pointed to two open seats that she had saved beside her. She and I me at an audition for another movie the year before and she was a friend to both of us. Dave took the one closest to her, and I silently hoped that she’d keep him occupied so I could talk to the others. Another wave of guilt rushed over me as my eyes searched the entrance to the restaurant, looking for Cade. My heart fell. Despite how I knew this would affect him, I realized how much I wanted him to be there. I always wanted him close.

We ordered the first round of drinks and my eyes glanced at the empty chair at the end of the table.

“Brook,” Ethan Ranfeld caught my attention. He played the brother to Cade’s character in the film. “How was it today? I talked to Cade, and he said it was an ordeal. What a way to spend your birthday.” His handsome face was relaxed and he smiled.

“Yeah. It was cold and one of the production assistants fell off a curb and broke her arm. The sidewalk was slippery and her legs just flew out from underneath her.”

“Was that the concert scene?” Shelly asked. Shelly was a pretty girl with dark hair who was cast as my best friend in the film.

“Yeah. Cade and I were running too close to the edge, I guess. The assistant moved backward to make room, and didn’t watch what she was doing. I felt really bad for her.”

“Speaking of Cade, where is
the man
tonight, Brook?” Wendy shot out and nudged Dave in the shoulder. I stiffened slightly. She had the hots for Cade and had not bothered to hide it.

“Um, not sure. I thought he’d be here.” I hoped the disappointment wasn’t evident in my tone. “We were both exhausted, so maybe he decided he’d rather sleep.”

Dave leaned in to me and whispered, “Why the hell does Wendy think you’d know where he’s at?”

Shit.

“Well, probably because we worked together today,” I said impatiently.

“Sorry, I’m late. I fell asleep.” As if on cue, Cade walked toward me, took my hand and pulled me up from my chair for a hug. “Happy Birthday, Brook,” he said softly before letting me go and moving toward the open chair between two of the guys. Dave shot me a dirty look and then his eyes followed Cade as he moved away from me.

“I would have understood if you wanted to keep sleeping. I almost did, too,” I smiled at him from across the table.

Dave flung his arm around me and pulled me close so he could kiss my temple. My eyes were on Cade and he glanced away, trying to talk to Ethan. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I wanted to. Ethan’s eyes glanced at me and then back to Cade’s face and he nodded.

Dinner progressed with Dave hanging all over me, and Cade doing his best to keep his eyes off of us. On the occasions that I’d catch him looking toward me intently, and his jaw visibly stiffened when Dave would call me baby, or pull me in for a kiss. I felt very uncomfortable; it wasn’t like Dave to be the doting boyfriend, and I knew it was his frail male insecurity that was putting on a show for Cade’s benefit. My stomach clenched and started to ache, causing me to pick at my food.

Cade’s expression was painful. He hid it well and the others were oblivious to the tightness around his mouth, or the way he looked down with a frown as he listened to the casual conversation. But, he couldn’t hide it from me. Even though he was good at laughing and trying to seem as if he didn’t have a care in the world… I knew. Maybe it was the movie, or maybe it was residual shit that was carrying over; the problem was, I wasn’t certain. I didn’t know for sure at this point, but I knew that hurting him; hurt me. It was eating me alive.

We were almost finished with dinner when Cade abruptly stood up, his chair scraping across the wooden floor, after Dave had nuzzled my neck one too many times. “Um, I’ll be back in a bit,” he said and turned to leave. I knew he’d be going out to have a cigarette. At least, I
hoped
he wasn’t leaving. Suddenly, I knew I needed to go find him.

Dave’s arm was heavy as it lay across my thighs and I lifted it off of me, and took a drink of my soda. Shelly was watching me and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she understood what I was going through.

“I’m going to use the restroom, Dave. I’ll be back.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Wendy asked expectantly.

“No, thanks.” I quickly got up and went to find Cade, hoping the others wouldn’t notice that I walked right past the bathrooms. I went out the side door and found him in the courtyard, sitting on a bench, with his back turned in my direction. It was pretty with a lot of trees and a few tables with candles on them. The white lights that were strung in the trees were the only lights, and it left the atmosphere pretty dark and romantic. He didn’t hear me approach as he pulled on his cigarette and ran his hand through his hair. He was agitated.

“Hey…” I said softly and he turned, his clear blue eyes widened when he saw me.