Breathless (140 page)

I never wanted to stop kissing him, and I sensed the tension building within him as well. The pain of the scene was a shallow echo of the real ache growing between us. We were living this, even if we didn’t mean to be. I certainly didn’t mean to care about him, but I couldn’t help myself. He was so real and down-to-earth. I tried to convince myself over and over that this was just the movie, nothing real, and we were just really getting into our roles. But, sucked in by those blue eyes, sexy mouth, and strong jaw… I was lost, and, more than that, Cade
got me
. He understood me like my boyfriend never had. I never dreamed a connection this intense was even possible.

David was sweet and giving, but didn’t excite me with the same degree of desperation. I wanted Cade… I dreamed about him. I was falling in love, even though I tried my hardest to tell myself it was only the feelings manifesting from the characters that were so convoluting. Yet, the yearning and wanting to give in to my feelings with wild abandon went way beyond the characters we were playing. I knew it, and so did he. That was the scariest part.

I mean; I loved Dave—I still loved him. He was a great person and we were comfortable together, but Cade… he was like a dream come true, like a flash fire that left me burnt to a crisp. A fantasy.

The conflict ate away at my insides. I had so much guilt over my feelings for Cade - guilt because I wanted him and I felt unfaithful to Dave, and guilt because I’d probably hurt them both or at least one of them. I couldn’t find a way around it, or a way to change how I felt. I was miserable, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t really want it to go away. How could I? It was intoxicating, suffocating, completely consuming.

Cade was already suffering, though it was amazing that he’d even notice me. We were both struggling. It was so clear and I wondered if the whole world could see it. It was in the way he looked at me, the way the electricity shot through me each time I was near him, and when he touched me, well I was done. When we kissed, it was amazing.. like nothing I’d ever experienced. I never wanted it to end. The way he smelled and tasted. It was amazing and unexpected.

Uhnnnng, God!
My thoughts troubling, I ran a hand through my hair in agitation.

Earlier in the day, during the shoot, each time we kissed it got hotter and hotter, beyond what the script called for, and the director kept correcting us. He was the one who knew what he was doing on set. I’d barely worked in the industry thus far, and his fame was already ridiculous. I tried to follow his lead.

It was so difficult not to shove my tongue down his throat, but this script called for those damn tortured, held back kisses. It was painful to the extreme. Well, check, check, check… we had the same thing working in real life. I could tell by his breathing, Cade was having the same difficulty holding back, too.

Finally, it was too much and we both lost our fragile grip on the restraint. My tongue came out to lick his lip, and he began to push me backward on the bed, his open mouth sucking so slightly on mine, and pulling my lower lip into his mouth. I was dying for more and my hand fisted in the front of his blue button down. This was the closest we’d come to French kissing and I wanted to go there badly.

No, we were in my room on the pretense of running lines for tomorrow’s scenes, though it was a joke. He was sheepish when he called and suggested we get together, but I didn’t have the strength to say no, and it wasn’t long before we were making out in full force, but this time, tongues were involved. It felt so good to give in, to feel his hard body pressed full on into mine. Somehow Cade found the strength to stop, taking my shoulders with both hands and pressing his forehead to mine, his breath leaving his body in a huff. “Brook… I need to leave. I have to go,
now
.”

“Ugh… No. No, Cade, don’t go,” I protested, my hands moved up his chest to clutch at the nape of his neck. God, I never wanted him to leave. Whether it was wrong or right, I needed him.

“I absolutely
have
to. I’m… you have to know how I feel about you, Brook. I’m in hell. The situation is killing me and yet, I can’t stay away from you. This isn’t about the film. It never was.” There it was; the truth that had hovered between us for weeks. And now we’d crossed the threshold, I wanted the finish line

Hearing his struggle, the pain in his voice squeezed my chest in a way that I’d never experienced. I reached up to touch his face and the soft, golden stubble scratched against the tender skin of my wrist. He turned and pressed his face into my hand and kissed the palm. “I’m working hard to be your friend and I’m not doing a very good job of it.”

“Does this happen to you a lot? Uh, I mean—” I stammered, “—things getting out of hand with costars?”

His eyes whipped his eyes to mine and held. He shook his head. “Sex, sometimes. I’m not going to lie to you, Brook. But, I care about you.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but the look in his eyes stole my words away. He disentangled himself from my arms and moved off of the bed to sit on the edge.

“What are you doing for your birthday? I’d love to take you out.” He ran a hand through his glorious mane of dark blonde hair and I wished it were my hands touching it. I was always aching to feel it, tug on it and thread my fingers through the silken strands. “You know, with the whole cast to help celebrate. Anywhere you want to go. My treat.”

My heart fell. Dave was planning on coming to location for my birthday and I found myself resenting him and searching for any excuse to keep him away. I knew that was completely unfair but I was feeling protective of the little world where Cade was the center, and protective of the limited time we had left. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.

The fact was; I never wanted this shoot to end and the clock in my head was counting down at sickening speed. Sure, it was my first movie and I was excited for the actual filming, but my sadness that it would end was all centered around him.

The wrap was getting closer, looming like terminal cancer. Six weeks left, tops, and then he’d be gone and I wouldn’t see him until it was time to begin promoting the movie. Months. The thought made me feel weak; sick, that I couldn’t control my feelings, and already miserable at the thought of him so far away from me. I felt completely out of control of everything and I fucking hated it. I dropped my hand to his shoulder as he faced away from me and slowly ran it down his back because I couldn’t help myself. He shivered a little and I longed to continue touching him. I lowered my head and swallowed.

“Uh... um,” I glanced up and saw the understanding dawn on his beautiful profile, the pain flashing clearly before he tried to vanish it from my view. He stiffened and moved away from me, leaving me feeling cold and empty.

“Oh, right. How bloody silly of me. I should have known David would come for your birthday. It’s completely ridiculous of me to think that you would want—” He was suddenly pensive and withdrawn from me. I found myself wanting to reach out to him, pull him to me, and rewind the clock to ten minutes before when we were kissing on the bed.

I nodded and bit my lip, my throat aching.
How in the hell am I going to get through this?

“I’m… I still want to be with you. With all of you if… that would be okay.”

His chin jutted out and I could see him swallow. His brow dropped and he nodded ever so slightly before bending to scoop up his script where it had fallen carelessly on the floor. “Yes, sure.”

“Cade…”

“You don’t have to say anything. This is my own fault.”

My eyes widened as he walked to the door of my hotel room and I followed. “It’s no one’s fault. You didn’t—” I stopped, searching for words. “I mean we didn’t
plan
this.” I reached out to touch him as he waited by the door for me to finish what I was saying. My hand hovered over his back and then fell in silence to my side.

Cade put his hand to his head and clutched at his hair on the right side of his head. “Goddamn it!” he groaned. “I should have been more careful. When I found you disarming at the audition, I should have guarded myself more. I mean… I know this is just a job and that you’ve got a life and…
people
… to go back to. You have a real life. Not just movie after movie like me. You’re very lucky, Brook. Sometimes I hate this goddamned business.”

I felt tears well in my eyes, afraid to blink or they would roll down my cheeks. I wanted to scream that I didn’t want to go back to real life! I wanted to be like we were; constantly together and to stay that way forever. I wanted this to never end and I wanted every second of the time we had left. Panic started to well up within me, unfamiliar and frightening. I’d never been so confused.

“Cade…. Cade, don’t leave—”

“I don’t want to, but I have to. I’m doing this for you. Goodnight, Brook,” he said softly and turned to brush his thumb across my chin. “See you tomorrow on set. Um… I might lose it slightly, so please forgive me. I’ll apologize in advance, since I know I won’t be able to bloody help myself.”

“Cade… We can still hang out. Cade!” I pleaded. With that he was gone and I was left gasping, staring, as the door slowly closed after him. I realized my body was shaking, and I couldn’t breathe because, what had become a part of me, was walking down the hall and away from me.

Caden

I was torn. I never wanted the day to end and yet, I couldn’t wait to retreat to the safety and sanctity of my own room. Being so close to her, feeling her breath on my face as we hesitated, our face only inches apart, then our lips meeting and finally pressing her into the bed, my hands exploring her body… it was all I dreamt about. Endless times and it was driving me bloody mad that it couldn’t be real. I’d never wanted anything as much as I wanted Brook. But, what did I fucking expect? I was in love with someone that was already spoken for. I was a ridiculous fool, but it wasn’t like I even had a choice in the matter. And it was crazy. I’d never gotten close to an actress I’d worked with before. Not like this. I wasn’t even sure why or how it happened. I was taken by complete and utter surprise, left stupefied and unable to do a damn thing about it.

Bloody hell!
I was wound tighter than a drum. My body was aching the entire day and there was no way I could hide it from her. I felt her breath hitch. She clutched at my face and the back of my head, pulling my mouth closer, her body arching up to mine as I fell between her open legs. She was pulling and I was pressing … God. I closed my eyes and tried to swallow the dryness in my mouth.

“I’ve dreamed about touching you like this, for so long.” My character’s words echoed my own thoughts.

We’d reshot the scene over and over and I’d lost track of how many damn times or how many hours we’d been stuck in this small space, filming the first time our characters made out; just the two of us, and eight other people. I let out my breath in a disgust. Not the way I’d fantasized about finally being in bed with her. I knew it was wrong to even want that for real, but every cell in my body screamed with it. It was so strong it physically hurt.

We’d spent so much time together and gotten too close to remain objective or unmoved. It didn’t matter that I’d been able to remain unmoved on ten other films with ten other actresses. I felt so incredibly blessed just to have the opportunity to know her and learn about her life. We were so alike, with many of the same interests and she was so fucking smart. She wrapped around my mind like no one ever had and she was funny, confident and strong. She knew what she wanted, where she was headed, and she trusted herself completely. She didn’t care about making it big, and that in itself was brilliant. She was in it for the experience, and really cared about the quality of the film.

I loved the way she stood up to the director on more than one occasion when she didn’t agree with something. Brooklyn and I had very specific thoughts about the characters and we argued with Angus for days about how they should be portrayed. Finally, Brook had it out with him, telling him she wouldn’t do the film if we couldn’t play it the way we were feeling it.

“Look, this is about the pain, Angus. Don’t you get it? I’ve read the script ten times! I’ve read the novel! I feel this situation and I know Cade does too!” She had thrown down her journal on the table. We’d tried to calmly discuss it with the director all through dinner and were getting nowhere fast. “Ryan and Julia have too many obstacles to overcome to make it easy. Every move, every kiss… it has to hurt. It has to be pulled out of them both!”

“It’s my film. You work for me, so you will play it as I direct. The budget is too small for all of these reshoots.” Angus did not concede and I watched Brook’s face tighten. I leaned forward on the table.

“Martin, we just … we’ve worked on this for months, before we ever came to set and we both have the same ideas on how it should be played. I agree that a film can’t depict everything the book does, and that makes it that much more important to get it right. The pain is as tangible as the love. Don’t you get that? There are a lot of things that we can do, and to do it justice, we should. Wouldn’t you agree?” I’d tried to reason with him.

Martin Deering was an up and coming director, who had been nominated for an Oscar already. I respected him and his vision, but as Brook insisted and maybe because it was her and I, we had to play it the way it felt, and it fucking devastated us both.

“I’m through discussing this. I think you guys are great people and wonderful actors, but I need you to act the way I tell you to act,” he said, anger tightening and wrinkling his jaw.

Brook huffed and leaned heavily back in her chair, staring at Angus for a long moment. “No. I can’t speak for Cade, but I will not play it that way. I’ll drop the film if it comes down to that. I feel it’s an injustice to the fans to sell out like that. I know I’m new, but I won’t do films for the experience of acting. It’s about telling the story, and I know the author wouldn’t want it like this. I want to tell the fucking story and I won’t make it into a joke, and I won’t let you make either one of us into a joke. They have to bleed.” She was calm as she stood up and picked up her script, phone and journal. She turned to me. “Cade, call me later when you get finished here.” And, with that, she walked out, leaving me sitting there with a stunned Angus.