Breene, K F - Jessica Brodie Diaries 01 (19 page)

I was pumping and grinding with
him. The song might have ended, but we didn’t stop. We changed pace for the
next song and continued our explorations of each other, no longer trying to
outdo; just trying to hang on. Sometimes we separated to our own dance in sync
with the other, and sometimes had our groins locked together, petting and
touching and surveying.

He was a rock star dancer.
Everything I put down he picked up. There was nothing I did that he couldn’t
keep up with, and visa versa. It was fantastic!

Finally the next song ended and we
came up for air. I was so turned on I wanted him to take me to the bathroom
like a common slut just to end the throbbing between my legs.

Before leaving the dance floor, he
tilted my chin up, my face pointed at his. My body tingled. Was this it? Was he
going to kiss me?

“You are dangerous, Jessica,” he
whispered soberly. He shook his head. “I... I’m sorry I got so... familiar with
you. I didn’t mean to let it get that far. I’m sorry. Please believe it won’t
happen again.”

When the words sank in, like a
one-hundred pound weight in the ocean, my eyes clouded with tears. That
admission made me look worse than a common slut. He let it get so far? Or he
let me get so far?

Was this why all the warnings about
him? All the warnings that I just ignored? Well, now I learned my lesson,
didn’t I?

I pushed him away, keeping it
flirty and friendly. I cleared my eyes as best I could with mass blinking,
attaching a dispassionate mask over my pain. I laughed, playing a part of our
spectators. I had already been dumped by one guy tonight, I was damned if
everyone would know about the second.

“William, Jesus, why the mush?
Relax! It's a competition and I ain’t loosin’!” I shrugged it off and walked
over to the others.

They were all looking at us with
shock. Ty and Adam blinked at me for a few seconds before switching their
astonished gaze to William, coming up behind me.

Candace was looking at me with a
knowing smile. Not knowing what was said at the end. Her gaze at William
contained not well hidden lust.

Well, apparently we made a show.

I took my beer from Candace and had
a big swallow. I turned to Adam. “Okay, what happens now?”

“You two get a room?” Ty offered.

Ouch.

I laughed, ever the actor. In
William’s mind, I would be paid for my services. Which meant we would not be
getting a room.

“Well, apparently his effort to
out-sex me wasn’t as easy as he thought.” I titled my head at William, whose
face was blank again, before saluting my beer and winking.

That broke the tension.

Adam smirked, then said, “Time to
be judged.”

The stairs loomed, but so did my
tears. It wasn’t long before I’d be a puddle if I didn’t get myself under
control. I needed to refresh.

“I’m going to hit the ladies room,”
I told Candace softly.

She didn’t have time to ask if I
was okay—I was already hurrying away.

I hit the restroom, did my
business, straightened up my hair, and stared at myself for a second. I looked
normal. Aside from the sheen of sweat, I looked the same now as when I left my
house earlier that evening. I looked fine, but it felt like a razor blade had
been applied to my heart.

The funny thing was, I didn’t know
why I was as upset as I was. I had been trashed and turned down by a million
hot guys. Some times after I spent the night with them. It was always
deflating, my ego taking the biggest hit, but it never ached like this. It was
like a Kung Fu master punched a hole straight through my chest, and was squeezing
my heart.

As I wandered around the downstairs
of the giant bar, staying to the shadows and away from all males, I
contemplated my heart pain. It was weird that love was always described as
being in your chest. Like gremlins got trapped inside my ribcage and were
nearly done eating their way out, leaving behind them a cavernous hole that
could be used for something like a fish tank, or planting a tree. In reality,
heartache had nothing to do with the muscle needed for pumping my blood. Right?
It was all in my head. Or my ego, which was still my head. So why did it feel
like a huge pressure was sitting on my solar plexus, making me want to cry so
hard I threw up blood?

It just wasn’t logical.

And all those thoughts meant I was
sobering up. That the pain was just beginning.

In fact, everything hurt more—feet
from these shoes, chest from the weight that was William’s rejection, head from
the nearing hangover, and eyes from…God only knew what.

Alcohol to the rescue. I didn’t
care that it was a terrible idea. I needed to numb the pain.

A shot later, I was chatting with
some cowboy with a giant belt buckle, drinking my beer and eyeing the door. I
needed my handbag. And my wrap—that thing was expensive.

“So, how about that number?”

I faced the man I was talking to,
not seeing him. “Sure, I’ll go get it.”

Off I went, in search of my elusive
phone number, no idea where I was going. Which really meant there was only one
option. I had to face the ass**le. But first, maybe a dance.

Luckily, the numbing haze was returning.
Gremlins were going to sleep. The shot punched the Kung Fu master in the nose,
so he buggered off, and the music was taking over for my heart. Good times.

Once I hit the dance floor, beer in
hand, the world was my oyster. I picked guys at random, dancing as hard as I
could without spilling my beer, and getting lost in it. When one buy got
irritating, I switched. I had plenty of options, and I officially became that
girl.

Sometime later I had danced with
nearly everyone in the world, two at a time occasionally—girls, boys, it didn’t
matter—and needed a refill. Since I didn’t have any money on me, or my handbag,
I had to go back to ass**le-ville.

“Dang it—get off!”

Pushing my way through man bodies,
I made it to the stairs. Except I was on the wrong side.

“Well, shoot.”

Hand on the railing, I went up, one
step at a time. It was a long trip, thanks to these damn heels. They were
really cute, though. Totally made the outfit. And my legs looked awesome.

Up on the wrong side of the tracks
they didn’t know me. The bouncer kept asking where I thought I was going, this
was the VIP area.

“Sir,” I reasoned. “I realize you
don’t know me from Gertrud’s mother, but I am trying to go there.” I pointed to
our booth across the giant expanse of air. “You see? The guys looking down?
Those guys. I am with those guys.”

He looked at me like I was a drunk
girl that didn’t know what she was talking about.

Oh wait...Yeah, he was looking at
me correctly. I didn’t even know if this side went all the way around to the
back.

Still, he was going to feel really
stupid when Apollo smote him on the spot.

“Gremlins,” I said to know one in
particular.

“Sorry ma’am, you have to go back
now.”

“Look, Sir Bouncer, if I go back,
that means I have to go down those damn stairs and I am liable to kill myself.
Then I have to go up the other staircase, and if I don’t kill myself going
down, I will certainly kill myself going up. And that, my large, muscled
friend, is a lawsuit waiting to happen.”

He just shook his head.

I sighed loudly. “Okay, what will
it take to convince you that I do actually have a table over there? How can I
get past this road block? I mean, my beer is almost done, my feet hurt—my
handbag and everything are over there.”

He looked around and scratched his
head. He looked down the stairs, then at my shoes. “Okay, ma’am. Why don’t I
escort you there? If no one knows you, you shit outta luck. That work for ya?”

“Yes. Lead on good Sir Bouncer.”

He shook his head and motioned for
me to go first. When we got closer, though, I saw that everyone I wanted to
avoid was at the railing. I decided walking home without money or a jacket was
better than seeing jerk-face again. So I stopped.

The bouncer was not privy to my
thought process, judging by his thick mass slamming me from behind. I bounced
off, fell forward and nearly took out some other VIP’er.

“Whoa there Missy. Where you off
to?” The stranger asked.

Too bad I was so done with boys at
the moment.

“Sorry. The Gestapo back there
doesn’t believe I am going to my table.”

The stranger looked at the bouncer
and smiled. “I can take you over. Wouldn’t want you gettin’ lost now.”

“Now wait—“

The chatter behind me cut off
suddenly. The stranger stopped his hard look and smiled at me. “All set?”

The bouncer was headed in the
opposite direction.

I got a wave of panic. Who was this
guy? What did he want? Why couldn’t I shake this fear of strangers Dusty cursed
me with?

“Shall we?” he asked, walking by my
side.

With a quick glance around, making
sure there were still people to hear me scream, I started walking quickly.
William may have been the world’s biggest ass**le, but he was still safety.

“So, pretty girl, what’s your
name?”

“What? Oh, Jessica.”

“Jessica, huh, now that is a pretty
name.”

I looked at him with disgust. If it
wasn’t so much effort, I would have made fun of him. Jessica is a pretty name?
Well, yes, my mom thought so, but it is also extremely average.

Next he’d be asking if I liked his
boots, and then if I wanted to knock ‘em.

“Well, now, here you are.”

As we walked into the area, someone
yelled, “There she is!”

Several heads at the balcony turned
toward me, one of which was William. Instead of the blank look I was so used to
seeing, this time it was one of contempt.

I can’t do anything by your
standards, can I?

I thanked the stranger for the walk
over, and wandered away as he asked for my number. Let’s not fool ourselves, I
needed a guy with better lines.

I bee-lined for Candace. Brad
practically sprinted up to hand me a beer. I can’t say it wasn’t welcome, but I
needed boys to clear out. I just wanted to hang out with Candace and let my
troubles slip away.

“Jessica!” someone shouted.

Adam was waiting by the banister.
He motioned me over. I thought very hard about ignoring him. I didn’t want to
deal with him, his friends, or anyone but Candace. I just wanted to sit, relax,
and pretend I wasn’t mortified.

But Adam had always been nice to
me. He’d helped me out a few times by now, and I didn’t owe him rudeness. I
didn’t owe him my bitch side.

With Brad shadowing me, I walked
over.

“Where were you?” Adam asked
quietly when I bumped against him.

“I don know. Dancing. Drinking.
Peeing. Being stopped at the top of the stairs because I don’t look VIP like
all y’all.”

He ignored me. “Willie, put down
the pretty blond and come up here.” William was sitting next to Boobie McGee.

Bitch was going to get punched in
the mouth.

“What?” Adam asked. He had a giant
smile on his face and leaned all the way down to put his face right next to
mine.

“What?” I asked in confusion.

“What about bitches getting
punched? Jessie girl, are you violent?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I didn’t
even care that I had resorted to saying my thoughts out loud. Adam had pure
glee on his face.

“Shut up,” I muttered, shooting
William with angry eyes.

William, in his turn, glared back.

Over it!

Adam loudly cleared his throat.
“Okay drunk boys and girls, we got here the two contestants in tonight’s
dance-off. Let’s give ‘em a round of applause for probably the most interesting
dance-off to date.”

Interesting?

“Cert’nly the most entertaining!”
he continued. Everybody laughed. The males of the group, which were most,
nodded their heads.

“The judges have convened and the
winner has been chosen.” He paused to draw out the suspense. “And the winner
is...” He looked at William, which was smirking and looking at all the guys at
the table. I looked at Candace, who was smiling and chanting my name.

“JESSICA!”

“Oh my God!” I shouted. “I won!
Yay! I won!”

I lit up! I was so excited! I do
hate losing, but if William had won it would have been insult to injury. At
least I did something right.

With light feet I stuck out my hand
to William to shake. Beaming, I met his eyes. Then my grin faltered. All I saw
was distance. A great, wide open space. No friendship, no past, just good-bye.
The Kung Fu master gave me a spin kick to the gut as I stuck out my hand anyway
for good sportsmanship, my eyes burning from held back tears.

Why he then looked deep into my
eyes as he took my hand, I couldn’t say. He probably noticed that I was a
hair’s width from bawling. Or maybe checking that I wouldn’t brain myself on
the dance floor because not one, but two guys, rejected me in the same night.
Whatever it was, it had him lingering, my hand in his. Thank God for the
darkness.

When I got my hand back, I skulked
back to Adam, trying not to let my head droop.

“Well done,” he nodded at me, then
got a hug. If it was a little too tight, well, hopefully he could keep a
secret.

Next I found Candace, crawled into
the booth next to her, and let the night flow by.

Sometime later the lights started
blinking, showering our table with light. Everyone blinked and groaned, those
sitting down were too drunk to stand, too lazy, or too thrilled with the
entertainment Ty and I were providing. He was my new sidekick, and Candace was
our laugh track.

As I collected my handbag, then had
to awkwardly stand back up after I fell over it onto my face, Adam grabbed hold
of me.

“Hey, Adam. How’s it hangin’?” I
slurred.

“C’mon, Jessie, let’s get you
home.”

“Well, down the stairs at any rate,
huh? Death trap, those are!”

As I suspected, the stairs were a
fiasco. Adam nearly had to carry me. Half way down he said, “What the hell
would’ve you done without dad-gum help?”

“Someone always helps drunk girls,”
I mused. “It’s getting away from those guys that is tough stuff.”

Adam huffed. Then started a weird
sort of buzzing.

“Huh?” I said.

“How did you get here?” Adam must
have repeated himself, judging by the slow speech and thorough enunciation.

“Oh, that guy. The date. He dumped
me. Not even together, and he dumps me. Thought I was in the pursuit of money,
or some damn thing. I rent a pool house, Adam. In
Texas
,
were land is a forth the price of my home town, I am renting a pool house. But
yeah, I’m after money. What a f**king turd!”

He chuckled.

“What a shit night. Some parts were
okay, I guess. The end was, anyway. And you. You are cool. Cool man dango.”

“I need to get you home.”

“Funny story—I can actually get my
own self home. I have been worse off than this and made it home...somehow.
Don’t recall the details, but I made it. I am magic. Poof. Yes, sir.”

“Well, tonight you are sharing my
cab. C’mon.”

I struggled out of his grasp. “No!
I am not going home with you. Not with any man. No men! Need my own house. My
own bed. I need my own ride. Cab. Own cab. No mistakes. I’m too drunk. Please,
too drunk!”

He could’ve been hurt because I
suddenly felt bad. My sober mind was picking up the signals and feeding the
corresponding emotions to my drunk brain. It was still hazy, though. What was
happening was mostly a blur. But he kept his distance, so I must’ve stepped
over the line again.

“Jessica,” he said quietly, “I
ain’t gonna take advantage of you. I wouldn’t never do that. ‘Specially not
after that other weekend. This is my way of making up for...what happened. I
shoulda been watchin’. I knew what he was capable of. I knew he wouldn’t stay
gone. I shoulda been there, I--”

“Sorry Adam,” I cut him off. I
didn’t want to hear any more. I reached out to put my comforting hand on his
chest, but missed, hit off his arm, and face dived into him. I was met with
solid muscle.

Through his shirt I said,
“Ouch." It was too much work to struggle back up, so I kept talking into
his shirt, "Sorry. I am a super ass. Drunk arse to boots. Please don’t be
mad. I am not used to guys wanting to look after me. Men, they are strange,
yes?”

“Does that mean you’ll let me guide
you now? I’m not too sober, but I’m at least headed in the right direction.”

“Yes. Can you steer me like this,
‘cause man-oh-man, I am tired.”

A chuckle rumbled out of his chest
as his arm came around me. He tried to walk with me sleeping on his chest, but
after a few steps, when I actually did start to fall asleep, he straightened
me.

“Can’t sleep yet. C’mon now, gotta
walk.”

I moaned but started walking on my
own. Kinda. He kept a hand on me to keep me mostly erect. Truth be told, I
wanted to lay down on the ground and fall asleep, but I soldiered on.

That was, until we hit the crowded
bar. Everyone was yelling for one last drink. Laughing girls and desperate guys
prowled, looking for someone to take home. The party was still raging on. And
when a party is in full swing, I rally.

It was a huge failing of mine.

“Jess—now, c’mon. We gotta go,
c’mon,” Adam kept saying, over and over, trying to prevent me from talking to
everyone I saw.

Finally he guided me out outside.
That’s when I saw the horse’s ass. My chest hurt. Or was it my head that was
ultimately responsible?

“Willie,” Adam shouted, “you
gotch’ur own or do you wanna split one?”

William noticed me, then gave Adam
a searching look. I glared at him for both of us.

“She goin’ with you?” William asked
in a way I thought was too slow for normal speech.

“Volumes are spoken. Volumes,” I
said in a slur. “Everybody is looking at me. I have a speech problem. It is like
diarrhea. You, sir, are a douche.” I stabbed the air in William’s direction.

Adam’s chuckle rumbled through his
chest again. “Yeah, she’s at Peek’s place, right?”

“Yup. Out back in the cottage, but
Gladis will find you before you get that far.”

“Hey,” I said, “that’s what I call
it—the cottage. I think that is a title of a horror movie, too. The Cottage.
Everyone is looking again. Shut. Up. Jessica.”

“So, whatcha doin’?” Adam asked, an
insane ability to focus through all things.

“Well, there’s only one cab I see,
so let’s grab it.”

We, all four... wait... four?

Oh look, William was taking home
that ugly blond with the bad boob job. He planned on climbing
Mt.
Boob
. I am not good enough, but she
is?

“Oh hell no. It’s on like Donkey
Kong!” I said, rolling up my sleeves—which I didn’t actually have—and heading
straight for her. I was absolutely going to punch her. I barely remembered why,
but I was mad and hurt and pissed and mad—bitch was getting punched.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jessie girl.
Let’s take it down a notch. Slow your roll.”

“Adam,” I said, struggling against
the hand he had on my shoulder, “are you trying to sound…I don’t even know what
you are trying to sound, but it ain’t workin’ compadre.”

“Cool,” he said, to apparently
mimic a Californian.

With the cab right in front of us,
I relented my assault. Barely. Fighting was just too hard with Adam’s
opposition, and walking too hard without his help. He was almost as good as
Lump, but he didn’t talk me down while he was keeping me awake.

“I miss Lump.”

William got in the front of the cab
and I got in the middle with Boobie McGee on one side and Adam on the other. I
really wanted to say something to William, but didn’t want to embarrass myself
anymore.

I think I actually said Boobie
McGee out loud, though, because Adam tried to stifle a chuckle and I got a
glare from the girl next to me.

How do ya like me now?

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t
pay attention to the ride home, but I was the first to get dropped off.

“Alright, Jess, you need help
getting’ where yer goin’?” Adam asked, dragging me out of the car.

“’M good.”

William was there, too.

“Getting out to sit next to your
lady lurve?” I asked belligerently.

“Be nice, Jess,” Adam droned.

“Meh. He doesn’t deserve it. Hug,
Adam. Thank you.”

I was about to step away from Adam
and head toward home when William was in my way. God I was sad. Drunk and sad.
He made me sad. And now he was taking that horrible girl home. So gross.

Not letting tears come to my eyes,
I tilted my head back and met those beautiful blue eyes for what I hoped was
the last time.

“Good-night,” he said softly, his
breath dusting my eyelashes, his hand on my shoulder.

I could have easily hugged him. I
was pretty sure that’s what he wanted.

“You, too. Sweet dreams,” I said
sarcastically. Then I was walking away. Stumbling across the wide expanse of
grass, tears surfacing, then overflowing.

“Your home or mine?”

Gladis was silhouetted in her large
entryway, the door thrown wide, welcoming light and warmth a beacon.

“Yours!” I shouted back. She was a
mind reader.

“Do you ever sleep?” I asked, not
allowing myself to turn around when she waved at the cab.

“Looks like someone needs some
aspirin.” She laughed at me.

“Yes,” I was already crying.

The disappointments of the night
caught up to me and I just let it all out. Gladis had seen me through worse
nightmares.

She quickly closed the door and put
an arm around me. She escorted me to the parlor, sat me down on the cushy
couch, and went to get me coffee. Old people always thought coffee sobered a
person up. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that water was the real cure.
And sleep.

When she came back I drunkenly told
the whole story of the night. All the gory details. For some reason I was never
embarrassed to admit all to Gladis. She never judged.

When I finished, she said simply,
“This too shall pass.”

I sighed deeply. “But, Gladis, he
went home with Booby McGee! I am classier than her. Well, maybe not right this
minute, but I am prettier.”

“Oh, that doesn’t mean a thing. You
surely got him riled up with your dancin’, and the one thing you must always
remember, when it doesn’t count, mind, is that boys will be boys. Even those
that are gentlemen the rest of the time will still find a way to be bad news
some of the time.”

“But why not me?”

“Oh honey, he has more respect for
you than that. And more respect for me! I said gentlemen would be boys when it
doesn’t count. With you, it counts. You are connected to his family, so he
wouldn’t dream of smearing your name.”

“I am not connected to anybody
here.”

“You are connected to me, and I am
connected to that boy’s family. He would have another thing comin’ if he used
and discarded you like a piece of trash! I would have his skin, for one. And he
knows it, too.”

I continued to cry through the
pain.

That night and for the next couple
months following I slept poorly. I often dreamt that I was falling or being
chased. I always woke up right before I hit the ground or the person caught me.

I stayed away from anywhere William
might be. Candace was repeatedly frustrated that I wouldn’t go out with them.
We did a girl’s night here and there, but when I would hear that Ty was going
to show up I would take off.

I just didn’t want any contact or
any reminders of William until I was over the whole experience. Any at all. He
was the crack dealer to the gremlins, allowing them to rip me up during the day
and in my dreams at night. He was the fury to my Kung Fu master who
occasionally connected well-placed blows. Bottom line, it just hurt too much.

I didn’t even stop to ponder why I
was so far gone on a guy I had just met. Yes, he was my rock, my safety blanket
with the whole life altering Dusty situation. But I was working that out with
Dr. George. Finding a sense of power in myself, which diminished my desire for
William’s safety net, but it had no effect on my desire for William as a man.

He was also the most gorgeous guy I
had ever met. Granted, there were, of course, better looking men in the world,
but not to me. He had that right amount of manliness, that body, those broad
shoulders, that smell, those eyes, that ability to reach into me and pull me to
him—

Those thoughts felt like an arrow
piercing my chest.

Regardless, those were just looks,
and looks go. So why would I be hanging onto this? It just didn’t make sense.
This whole stupid thing didn’t make sense.

At Gladis’s urging I was dating
again. I was told, "Get back in the saddle, young lady! Get up when life
knocks you down!"

Somehow that stranger from the bar
managed to find out who I was and call me. That guy that said Jessica was a
beautiful name. And because I was a glutton for punishment, I had gone out with
him a couple times. I couldn’t say I was really into him. He was good looking
with
Auburn
hair, wide set brown eyes, probably six
feet, and great sense of style. He had a slight build—not as thin as me, but
thin for a guy.

He seemed to have gobs of money.
Usually that was a good thing, but he splashed it around and made a big show of
it. We went to nice restaurants that were expensive just because they looked
gaudy—the food was not great. He drove a Porsche that had fairly cheap leather
interior. He tried to show off his new Gucci watch, or his Prada sunglasses,
but they were put on the market a couple seasons before and were probably on
the sale rack, which isn’t impressive to those who know designers, of which I
was one, even though I could never afford the clothes or accessories.

But I got back in that saddle, like
Gladis said. I dated again. Got flowers. Got praised and fawned over. But I
didn’t get laid. I let him spend a little money on me, enjoyed a few bits of
otherwise dull conversations, and headed home. A couple kisses, no feeling, no
petting, definitely no sex!

Gladis never said boo about me
dating him, but I could tell she wasn’t real enthused. He had good manners and
always stood up to code with whatever rules Gladis had, so he wasn’t like
Randall, but she just never seemed to say anything nice about him. She never
said anything at all, actually, which meant she probably had only discouraging
things to say.

So no sex with him, and no sex with
anyone. Gladis had me worried I would be viewed as some kind of “painted lady”
or something. I didn’t even know what that meant and I was afraid of it.

Instead of dating and going out, I
started working out a lot instead. Every day I hit the gym or dance classes.
Why not? What else did I have to do?

When my body needed a rest, or
after I was done working out, I would cook or read. I either had Gladis and
Lady over to eat in my place when I was cooking, or went to the Big House when
I wasn’t.

Three months this carried on. Three
long, miserable months. Gladis was getting worried about me, and Dr. George,
whom I had stopped seeing, called “out of the blue” for a follow up
appointment.