Breene, K F - Jessica Brodie Diaries 01 (23 page)

“Well, anyway, I need to head off,”
I announced.

“Denied,” Adam said with
resolution. “It’s Friday; you ain’t got nuthin’ else ta do.”

“Well, pee for a start. Unless you
like a wet seat?”

Moose was first out of the booth.
He had always been the gullible one.

I took my time in the restroom,
wanting to sneak out but not wanting to be a coward, so just stalling in the
meantime. When I was headed back to the table, intending to say good-bye,
William met me in the middle of the bar. He stopped when he saw me and I
noticed he tried not to let his eyes stray past my face, but failed. It made me
feel marginally better about the night.

It was the small things.

"Hey, William. Uh, I'm going
to head out. So..."

"Would you mind staying for
one more beer? I was planning to leave after that, also."

"I probably shouldn't."

"Listen, Jess—Jessica.”
William looked hesitant. “About what you said earlier. Um...of, you know,
drought. You sounded somewhat...forlorn. It's not my business, but... I just
wanted you to know that if you needed to talk, I’m here."

Oh hey, thanks for the salt. I’ll
just pour it in the gaping hole in my chest.

I wanted to get mad. I wanted my
temper to flare and to say something witty and cutting. I wanted anything but
what was happening, which was to tear up. I let my head drop to hide my face,
my body shuttering to stop the crying.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I always
seem to say the wrong thing.” He moved closer to put his arms around me for
comfort.

“No, I’m okay. You just surprised
me, is all.” I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face. “I’m just going to say
good-bye to the others.” I turned and walked toward the table.

“Jessica!” He called.

I kept going. There was no point in
it. No point in anything concerning him. You just had to know when to say die.
It took me until the issue was decomposing to finally admit it, but I needed to
move on.

“Hey guys,” I said dejectedly, “I
might just head out.”

“Wait, Jess. I’ll walk you,”
Candace said as she scooted from the booth.

Waiting, I leaned against the wall,
needing physical support from that last exchange. I didn’t realize I was a foot
from Adam. When I did notice I started, then muttered a “sorry.”

“That shade ‘a blue don’t match
your dress,” Adam said.

“What?” I was not in the mood for
riddles.

“That layer of sad you got on. It’s
draped on you like a blanket. It don’t fit.”

I nodded, barely keeping from
rolling my eyes. “Okay, Adam. Well, I’ll see you around.” I pushed off from the
wall as Candace stood.

Before I got two feet, William was
in front of me, blocking my way. His delicious scent wafted to my nose, making
my stomach cringe and my sexual factors roar to life. It was so unfair the
effect he had on me.

He looked at Adam with facial sign
language. Adam, seeing my panic and silent plea for him to stay, cocked his
head, but nodded to William. As he walked away I thought I heard, “Make it
right, man. She don’t deserve this. Make it right.”

“I’m sorry, Jessica,” William said
to me quietly. Well, as quiet as you could in a crowded bar. “I was trying to
do the right thing, but I was an ass just there. Please don’t leave because of
me.”

My eyes misted again.

“Leave what specifically; the bar
or the country?” I said with a hint of the anger I hoped would hide the sorrow.

Surprise flitted through his blank
mask. “I...”

A tear rolled down my face and I
dropped my head again. More tears joined it. It felt like the gremlins had
finally gotten through. They ate and scratched their way out of my chest, which
was now emptying its contents like puke on my shoes.

Hope was fleeing for good. Cold
truth was floating down like ashes. It was done. The book on William was
finally, solidly closed. And it hurt as bad as losing my first love.

Suddenly Candace was there with her
arm around me. I was being led away from the table, not a sound being uttered
to stop me. She got me outside and hugged me firmly. I was trying to control my
crying but wasn’t doing a great job.

“Do you want me to go with you?”
she asked.

I shook my head. I didn’t know her
well enough to be consoled by her, sweet as she was.

She tucked me into a cab and sent
me home with a promise to call tomorrow.

It was a long, dark walk to my
cottage. There was no Gladis waving out the window or inviting me in. I had no
one to make me some coffee and tell me encouraging words. I had only a dark
residence of solitude. Just like William read in me. I was so utterly alone and
lonely that I couldn’t stand it.

The next day I was super busy. I
woke up and had to get in some crying. I showered and cried some more. I got a
cab to pick up my car, which was now making some scary noises, then went to
visit Gladis and tried to convince her that I hadn’t been crying while we were
playing chess. I don’t think it worked. Then I went to the gym and worked
myself until I could barely walk.

The pain was so fresh, again. The
tear so real and jagged. It had just always felt so right with him. Like we
were meant to find each other. Deep down I thought he was the gold at the end
of the rainbow. That I’d had to fail with men, over and over, then move to
another place for independence, and was finally settling into what I was meant
to be. That equation seemed to work with him in it. Since that first meeting,
I’d felt it.

And now I had to face that I’d had
it all wrong. This town was just like any other. There was no more magic here
than in L.A. Less, probably.

In the late afternoon I was lonely,
so I went back to brave the hospital. Gladis still tried to press me for what
was wrong, but I wouldn’t budge. I didn’t really want to talk about it. I
didn’t want to leave her side, either, but I was not about to sit through a
sponge bath.

As I was walking through the
hospital lobby on my way out, I got a strange tingling in my stomach. It felt
like zombie butterflies trying to resurrect themselves. It really could have
been anything—gas, stress, nerves. It was very likely that my Id, that little
ego part of me, just woke up from a nap and realized I looked a disgrace and
shouldn't be in public.

I was nearly to the exit when I
heard: “Jessica, I wondered if I might have a word?”

I looked up to see William striding
toward me. Then down at myself.

I had sweaty, unwashed hair pulled
back in a ponytail. I had ruminants of day old make-up that I didn't completely
sweat off at the gym or wash away in the shower. I had half workout clothes,
equipped with boob flattening sports bra, and worst of all, sweats. Not the
cute sporty sweats basketball, soccer, or hip sports players wore. No. The
gray, holy things that your mother wore to the store on Saturday mornings
before she took a shower and did her make-up. The things you swore you would
never wear in public.

Great timing, as ever.

“Um, sure. Do you mind if we get
out of the hospital first? I hate hospitals.”

“Of course. That would be better.”

I was not quite sure what he wanted
to say to me, and I found that I didn’t much care. Come Monday, I planned to
organize my move away from this town.

We made it to my car without
William opening his trap. I was sure it was just an apology for making me cry
the night before. It wasn’t something I cared to hear.

“Did you want to talk to me,
William?” I asked, having opened my car door.

“Yes. Can we go somewhere for
coffee?”

Can’t we just get this over with?

“I guess. As long as it’s quick.”

He briefly looked hurt before his
face went blank again. “There is a place just up the road. Would you like me to
drive?”

“No thank you. I’ll meet you
there.”

It seemed like he wanted to say
more, but he curtly nodded and backed up. I got in my hoopty and attempted to
start her up. There were a few sputters and a valid attempt, then nothing.

“Not now!” I muttered at the car. I
tried again. Less sputters and a half-hearted attempt to turn over. Nothing.

“Fuuuuuuuck.” I put my head on the
steering wheel.

Was now a good time to ask the boss
for a raise so I could buy a decent car?

I got out and slammed the door.
William was standing a couple feet off, waiting for my reaction.

“What?” I asked snottily.

He shook his head and shrugged. “I could
look at it. I know a little bit about cars.”

I looked back at my pile of junk
and shook my head. “No point. It’s dead. I had just hoped it would last a
couple more months so I could get rid of it and get out of here.”

“To
Australia
,
you mean?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah.” I looked out at the parking
lot, full of cars glittering in the
noon
sun. Cars that actually worked. But unless I was going to take to grand theft
auto, there weren’t many options. “Well shit, I guess I wouldn’t mind a ride
after all. I’ll worry about this thing later. Maybe I can give it a little
water; bring it back from the dead. Again.”

He gestured for me to walk with
him. We walked a short way to a fairly new, dark silver Audi. Now, this was
what I was saying about just buying the top of the line.

“Nice car,” I said half-heartedly.
Not the time to be sullen, but I couldn’t help it. Some people had it all.

He kept quiet. Wise.

“You can change the station if you
want.” He indicated the radio as he settled into his plush leather seat. Some
sort of country was playing.

“It’s fine,” I said, still with a
shitty attitude.

I saw the coffee shop he was
talking about as it whizzed by.

“You missed the coffee place,” I
said without feeling.

“Do you mind if we go someplace
quieter?”

“Are you planning to take me out to
the dessert to murder me? Cause if so, I would really rather head to the coffee
shop.”

He chuckled. “I had not planned
that, no. One death is enough for today.”

“One death?”

He looked at me with mischief in
his piercing eyes. “Your car. Being in the hospital parking lot didn’t help it
any.”

“Oh. That’s what happens in
hospitals. People die.”

“That’s a pretty morbid assessment.
People are born in them, too.”

“It is morbid. My dad died in a
hospital. His body was riddled with cancer and tumors by the end.” I looked out
at the buildings and trees flying by. “He was in the hospital off and on for
about two years. I can only think of that experience whenever I walk into one.
God only knows what I am going to do if I ever get pregnant.”

“I’m sorry. It must have been hard
to visit Gladis.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know why I
just told you that.”

“I’m glad you did.”

I didn’t have the energy to scoff.

We passed the next while in
silence. I absently switched the radio to a top 40 station. We were leaving the
city by this time and I turned to look at him.

“It was nice of you and your family
to visit Gladis. Her children have only called. None have shown up.”

“I suspect she’ll have quite a few
visitors in the next couple days. Mark my words, when she’s back to full health
she’ll throw a party to thank everyone for coming. Her parties used to be
something to look forward to.”

“I hope she doesn’t throw herself
down the stairs next time just to have a party after.”

“She just might.” He paused for a
minute, then, “You two seem to be pretty close.”

“Yeah. She looks after me. In this
town I have apparently needed it. I owe her a lot.”

“I doubt that. She needs
companionship just as you do. I told you how she talked about you.”

We went up a hill and turned off
the road to a smaller hill. We followed that up to the top and turned off
again. He parked and got out. I followed suit.

This little spot over-looked
pasture land with cows spread out below us. The sun had started its slow dive
to the horizon millions of miles away. There was a splattering of clouds in an
otherwise clear sky.

“It is beautiful,” I said.

“It is. I come up here when I need
to be away from the city and farm. Do you mind sitting on the ground?”

“Not at all. I am obviously not in
my finest.”

He chuckled and we sat, overlooking
the valley.

“I am sorry if I hurt you last
night. And the night at Froggy’s,” he said softly.

“William, I don’t want to talk
about this.”

“I need to say this, Jessica. I
behaved badly and I need to explain.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Please, Jessica.” He was half
begging. I wasn’t sure if my new defense of numb could stand up to this.

I nodded once. He continued. “At
Froggy’s, I enjoyed dancing with you. I might have enjoyed it a bit too much,
which was the reason for what I said. I shouldn’t have made a spectacle of you
like that in front of everybody. People might have thought less of you because
of me. I am not in a position in my life to be tied down with anyone right now.
I am at the beginning of a few enterprises that need my constant attention.” He
paused and let out his breath.

Here it comes.

“I am being groomed to take over
the business, I have my breeding things going and I have obligations. I wanted
to get all that under way before I got involved with anybody.”

“William, I am not looking to get
involved with you.” Anymore. “Quite the contrary, actually.”

He hung his head a little. “I’m
coming to that.” He took a deep breath and continued, “I haven’t had the
problem of being attached since I broke up with my longtime girlfriend five
years or more ago. First love and all that.” He shook his head. “It went on
longer than it should have, and since then I banished women for the most part.
Not from my bed, but... It was how I wanted it. My priorities were set and life
was on track. Which was working quite well…until an impossibly gorgeous young
lady walked into me and then dove head first into a pile of dog food.”